


Dearest and Nearest

by AStrangeDaze (TerraRising)



Series: A Study in Our Sentiments [1]
Category: NU'EST, Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Decisions, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Gen, I can't take all the tension from the eliminations right now and decided to write this instead, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Violence, Ongniel, Slow Burn, like very VERY slow, mature themes, ongniel end game, profanities
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-27
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2018-11-05 11:09:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 79,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11012220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TerraRising/pseuds/AStrangeDaze
Summary: Daniel doesn't understand why none of his relationships seem to work out. His friends try to help but are secretly exasperated. Seongwoo is endlessly patient.Also known as: How many chapters does it take for Daniel to realize he's been in love all along.





	1. Chapter 1

_“It’s enough right? Parting ways here is the best for both of us, right?”_

_“What…did I, did I do something?”_

_A slow shake of the head. A rueful smile marring lips that used to always light up with a welcoming grin._

 

**_“Let’s break up.”_ **

 

_He was silent. The thousands of protests, of pleas that were bubbling up from his throat, threatening to spill from his lips, deserted him all at once._

 

 

 

 

_“…okay.”_

 

* * *

_Bzzzz. Bzzzz.                Bzzzz. Bzzzz._

With a groan, Jisung reached out blindly to grab his vibrating phone, only succeeding in knocking it off his bedside table. Groping around on the floor aimlessly, it took him several tries before he managed to grasp it and he answered it blearily, barely awake enough to realize what he was doing.

 

“Hello?” he yawned into the receiver.

 

“….. _hyung_ , sorry, did I wake you?”

 

“Niel? Yeah, uh it’s okay. Are you alright, why are you calling at,” Jisung pulled his phone away from his ear, squinting at the too-bright screen to check the time, “holy shit, dude, why are you calling at four in the morning.”

 

Jisung sat up, suddenly wide awake when Daniel stayed silent on the other side of the phone, “Is everything alright? Are you okay? Did something happen?”

 

“….I’m okay. Just. Hyerin broke up with me.”

 

_Shit._ Jisung started to pull on the first sweater that he could see, “I’m coming over.”

 

“No, _hyung_ , it’s okay, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have called this late.”

 

“Don’t be ridiculous, you call us any time there’s anything you need at all, I’ll see you in a couple minutes.”

 

“…okay.”

 

Hanging up so that he could stop stumbling around his room, Jisung grabbed his keys and then headed over to Taewoong’s room, knocking three times quickly.

 

A few moments later, Taewoong’s door swings open and he stands there, bright-eyed and wary, “Did you break the toilet again?”

 

Jisung’s mouth drops open in outrage, but he doesn’t have time to waste being offended now, so he reigns himself in forcibly.

 

“The toilet is fine. Daniel just called, Hyerin broke up with him.”

 

“Shit. Is he okay?”

 

“He said he was, but he also caved in and called me at 4am in the morning so I’m choosing not to believe him on this one.”

 

“Okay. Okay, do the others know?”

 

Jisung watches fondly as Taewoong rushes back into his room to grab a familiar green hoodie. Wait a second.

 

“Hey, that’s my hoodie!” he exclaims.

 

Taewoong snorted, pulling it over his t-shirt with a grin, “I told you, if you keep leaving your stuff in my room then it’s mine.”

 

“Urgh, whatever. I texted the boys, Jaehan said they’re going to grab some food and then join us at Daniel’s place.”

 

* * *

 

Half an hour later finds them situated in the living room of Daniel’s apartment, take-out containers covering the coffee table as they arranged themselves around their heart-broken friend.

 

“What happened?” Jaehan asked while wrestling the six-pack out of Jinwoo’s hands, “Actually won’t we wake up your roommate like this?

 

Daniel shook his head, “A bit late to be asking now, but no _hyung_ , Seongwoo is out of town for a project shoot.”

 

“Figures that’s why you finally ended up calling us over,” declared Jisung as he threw himself onto the couch beside Daniel, “but seriously, Daniel-ah, what happened?”

 

The boy in question sighed explosively, burying his face into a cushion, “I don’t know. We were fine! Or well, I thought we were fine.”

 

“Okay, let’s start from the beginning,” piped in Jaehan, “Did you guys fight at all over the last week? Did you forget a date, or didn’t spend time with her?”

 

“No, well, not really. I mean I couldn’t grab lunch with her on Monday because I promised Woojin I would go over his English assignment with him. But I apologized and she said it was fine, she even came to hang out in the café with us for a bit. Tuesday and Thursday I was with you guys and the rest of the dance crew, but we didn’t have plans anyways.”

 

“And Wednesday and Friday?” asked Jinwoo, casually stuffing three mandu into his mouth immediately afterwards.

 

“Wednesday she wanted to go out, but I always get dinner with Seongwoo, it’s our thing. I offered to have her join us instead, but she said she didn’t want to intrude,” at Jinwoo’s nod, Daniel continued, “And Friday I was hanging out with Seongwoo again after I got off from my shift. We always hang out before he has to go out of town.”

 

“And she wasn’t upset?”

 

“She didn’t act like she was. But that’s why I took her to that restaurant she mentioned she wanted to try two weeks ago, I wanted to make it up to her. Everything seemed fine: we caught a movie beforehand, we ate, she laughed at my jokes like always. And then she told me we should break up, flagged down the waiter, and left after paying the bill.”

 

There was silence until Taewoong decided to bite the bullet, “Did you ask her to stay?”

 

“No,” Daniel laughed bitterly, “She had already made up her mind. I didn’t, I didn’t want to force it if that wasn’t what she wanted.”

 

Jaehan and Jinwoo determinedly looked away after glancing at Jisung, waiting for their _hyung_ to step up and lay things out. Jisung looked around, betrayed, staring accusingly at Taewoong who only shrugged and wrapped an arm around Daniel’s broad shoulders. For a second, Jisung cursed the gods for creating a Daniel who loved so easily.

 

“Okay, don’t take this the wrong way Niel, but that’s the fifth one this year.”

 

“I know.”

 

“And you love her.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“And Kim Jaehwan before her?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“And Park Jihoon before that?”

 

“ **Yes**.”

 

“And Lim-“

 

“ **YES**. To all of them. _Hyung_ , what is your point? I didn’t call you so you could rub all my failed relationships into my face.”

 

“Okay, okay, sorry,” Jisung held his hands up in defense, “Okay, let me try to put it in a different way.”

 

Looking around the room only to be met with helpless shrugs, Jisung glared at his useless friends and tried again. “Alright, say we were hanging out one day, okay? And then I told you that I didn’t think we should be friends anymore. We weren’t fighting or anything. What would you do?”

 

“What? But you’d never-“

 

“Just answer the question, Niel-ah.”

 

“I’d punch you.”

 

“Okay, fair enough, but after that?”

 

“I’d make you tell me why you said something that stupid. And I’d make sure you knew you were stuck with me.”

 

“And if Taewoong, or Jaehan, or Jinwoo said that to you? If Seongwoo or Woojin said they didn’t want to be associated with you anymore?”

 

“The same,” Daniel said resolutely, “Except maybe not punching Woojin, he’s too small. I’d be mad but I wouldn’t let you guys just walk out on me like that.”

 

“Then why did you just watch Hyerin walk out tonight?”

 

“I,” Daniel choked on his words for a moment, looking pained, “I do love her though. I do.”

 

“I’m not saying that you don’t,” said Jisung gently, reaching over to clasp Daniel’s shaking hands between his own, “But maybe you didn’t love her that much. Maybe you didn’t love her or any of them enough to be unable to imagine a life without them.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Taewoong pulled Daniel more firmly against his side and the younger male slumped against his shoulder in a daze, emotionally exhausted.

 

“So what do I do now?” he wondered out loud, “How do I ever find someone I love enough?”

 

“Hey, it’s okay man, these things take time; they don’t just happen. Maybe take a break from dating for a bit. Spend some time with yourself as the priority,” suggested Taewoong.

 

“But whatever you decide, we’re here,” promised Jaehan solemnly.

 

Jinwoo nodded earnestly to add his support for that statement. Normally he would have cracked a joke to lighten the mood, but seeing the pained look in Daniel’s eyes made it seem grossly inappropriate.

 

“Okay,” Daniel agreed, turning to press burning eyes into his _hyung_ ’s neck, “Okay.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how angst was supposed to help me cope but here it is anyways!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daniel mopes. A lot. Everyone else is worried.

Daniel spent the rest of his week in a daze, functioning completely on autopilot.

 

He sat through all his classes and showed up at his part-time job at the pet shelter, but even the stray cats he was always so fond of playing with couldn’t cheer him up. The cats themselves, sensing that something was wrong, were also more docile than usual, draping themselves over him in a haughty claim while surveying the room to find the source of their human’s grief.

 

Seeing him like this, his friends silently arranged to have someone stay with him whenever possible or forced him to sleep over at their place instead of going home to an empty apartment. Having already enacted this protocol to deal with a heartbroken Daniel several times now, their execution was pretty masterful at this point, if Jisung did say so himself. It was one of those things he almost wished they didn’t have to be so good at, but watching Daniel do the equivalent of sleepwalking through his routine for an entire week, he shuddered to think about what would happen to the normally cheerful boy if he were left alone.

 

Given that Hyerin and Daniel were both minoring in performance arts, the boys had already run interference more times than they could count, redirecting Daniel to longer, more remote routes to his classes. The number of close calls had them automatically closing ranks around their friend, forming a wall to block his vision every time his ex-girlfriend passed by within view. Luckily, Daniel seemed to be too busy moping to really take notice of his surroundings. Once he was out of earshot, Jinwoo complained loudly of the amount of times he almost had a heart-attack, thinking Daniel was going to see Hyerin and fall even deeper into his depression.

 

 _This_ , Jisung thinks as Jinwoo continues to gripe about this situation not being good for their continue health, _was going to be a very long week._

 

* * *

 

 

On Thursday, when Daniel almost dislocates his thumb during one of the routines he was zombie-dancing through, everyone decides to just call it a day and cut their losses, hustling him off to a clinic.

 

The doctor on duty at their university’s clinic took one look at the despondent air about Daniel and pursed her lips at him disapprovingly. Although they tried their best, members of the dance crew still injured themselves more often than they would like, and either as a patient or a helping hand, Daniel wasn’t exactly an uncommon sight at the clinic.

 

“You should know better than to try doing tricks when your mind is wandering like this, you’re lucky it was just a subluxation and not a full dislocation,” Dr. Choi scolded while instructing Daniel to turn his hand this way, testing the mobility of his other fingers, “Because this isn’t the first time you’ve injured that thumb and to stop you from doing anything else to make the injury worse, I’m going to have to put it in a partial cast instead of splinting it. Ice it every two to three hours for the next couple of days until the swelling goes down completely. When you shower, wrap that hand in a plastic bag so it doesn’t get wet, okay?”

 

Daniel mumbled out an answer and Dr. Choi sighed, looking towards Jisung who had accompanied him into the examination room instead.

 

“I’m going to give you the pain killers for your friend; in his current state, I wouldn’t put it past him to accidentally take them twice. They double as anti-inflammatories, he can take them as needed for the pain but he shouldn’t have them on an empty stomach and no more than one every 4 to 6 hours. Bring him back here in a week for a follow up; if everything goes well we can remove the cast then, but he isn’t to put his weight on that hand for the next month, understand?”

 

“Yes, _seongsaengnim_!” Jisung snapped out a playful salute, drawing a reluctant smile from Dr. Choi’s lips, “We will make sure he follows your instructions! Thank you for all your hard work today!”

 

“Yes, yes. Now shoo, Nurse Kim will set him up with the cast. I don’t want to see any of you injured in the next little while at least, got it?”

 

She gathered up her chart and nodded as they bowed respectfully in her direction. “Boys these days,” she shook her head ruefully as she went to see the next patient, “So reckless.”

 

“Come on, Danny-ah,” cajoled Jisung, pulling him towards the nurse who was waiting patiently, “Let’s get that cast on and then go for some food, okay?”

 

The pink-haired boy allowed himself to be manhandled onto the examination table and sat there compliantly, staring sightlessly at a worn out diagram on the wall that listed out all the bones and muscles in the human body.

 

With a sigh, Jisung bowed his head politely to Nurse Kim and then pulled out his phone, shooting off two successive text messages to Seongwoo.

 

 

_Hey Seongwoo, hope the shoot is going well_

_Didn’t want to bother you but Hyerin broke up with Daniel last weekend_

_He’s so out of it, he partially dislocated his thumb today_

 

 

Honestly, one of them should have contacted Seongwoo earlier, but Daniel had snapped out of his stupor long enough to beg them not to, not wanting to distract his friend while he was working. Seongwoo had landed a gig as an actor in a series of five-second ads for an up-and-coming organic energy drink brand when he caught the casting director’s eye while standing in for a friend filming a mineral water commercial.

 

While the shoot would normally have been in a studio, the producer-and-director team for this shoot was known for being exacting and a little eccentric, choosing instead to drag their small team on a week-long sabbatical across the country to different natural landmarks so that the ads would be “authentic and in touch with nature”. From what Jisung remembered of his conversation with Daniel, Seongwoo was due to return Sunday night if the shoot went smoothly.

 

His phone _dinged_ , light pulsating softly, signaling a new text message had been received. As expected, Seongwoo’s name popped up as soon as he unlocked his phone.

 

 

_Sorry can’t call, we're shooting right now._

_How is he? Is he okay?_

 

_Right thumb in partial cast, follow up is in a week. Non-weight bearing for the next month._

_Emotionally though, he’s a bit of a mess._

 

 

Jisung texted back quickly, smiling at the almost instant reply he got back.

 

_Okay, thank you for looking out for him._

_I’ll leave him in your capable hands. Will head back as soon as possible._

_Of course, we’re his friends too._

_Don’t rush, Daniel won’t forgive himself if he caused you any trouble._

_He’s never trouble_

_Have to go, talk later. Keep me updated pls_

_Will do, good luck with the shoot!_

_Thanks. Take care hyung._

 

 

It was unspoken that the _take care_ was meant more for Daniel than himself, but Jisung understood loud and clear. Looking up to see that Daniel’s cast was almost done setting, he slipped his phone back into his pocket and made his way over to reception to pick up the prescription.

 

By the time he was back, Nurse Kim was just wrapping up, reminding the pink-haired boy to keep the cast dry.

 

“Come on, Daniel-ah,” he pulled the boy towards where the rest of their friends were loitering outside the building, “Let’s get some food in you so you can take a painkiller. How’s kimchi jjigae sound?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Between Jisung, Jinwoo, Jaehan, and Taewoong, they managed to make sure Daniel got through the rest of the week without any other injuries, bullying him into taking the medication when he was being particularly stubborn and making sure he ate and slept regularly.

 

Jisung or one of the others continued to text Seongwoo updates every now and then, reassuring him that Daniel was doing as well as he could given the situation.

 

Unfortunately, even best laid plans were fallible and the operations of the Kang Daniel Protection Squad™ ground to a halt on Saturday night.

 

Jinwoo had an assignment, Jaehan’s parents were visiting for the weekend, and both Jisung and Taewoong had been assigned late shifts at the convenience store that they couldn’t get out of.

 

In short, none of them could stay with Daniel.

 

“ _Hyung_ ,” asked Jaehan with a furrowed brow, “Do you think he’ll be alright?”

 

Jisung sighed heavily and scratched at the back of his head in agitation as if the sight of the closed apartment door had personally offended him. Taewoong laid a steady hand on his shoulder in comfort and replied in his stead.

 

“Let’s not worry too much. Our Daniel is strong and it’s been a week. I think most of the shock has worn off by now; he’s not going to do anything silly. At worst, we’ll come back tomorrow morning to find he’s lying in the exact same position as when we left him.”

 

* * *

 

 

Inside the apartment, Daniel laid on his bed, staring at his ceiling despondently. Part of him felt guilty for worrying his friends and knew that he was being a little over-dramatic with the whole situation, but he couldn’t stop thinking about the break-up.

 

Well, not just the break-up. While he was heartbroken over his girlfriend of three months suddenly leaving him, the larger part of his thoughts were preoccupied with what Jisung had pointed out.

 

_Why hadn’t he tried to ask her to stay?_

 

In all the tearjerkers and romantic comedies, the male lead always ended up begging the heroine not to leave him at some point. In fact, with his string of break-ups, Daniel wouldn’t be surprised if he life was running according to the script of some B-list rom-com.

 

If he followed the script, he should have leapt to his feet and begged for another chance, should have given a moving speech or performed some grand gesture to convince her to stay. Hyerin would have been moved, she would agree to try again or that she was only testing the strength of his love for her. The entire restaurant would applaud and he would dip her in a cheesy seal-the-deal kiss montage.

 

But he hadn’t.

 

He had frozen up. He had agreed.

 

He had given up on her the moment those words passed her lips.

 

_If he gave her up so easily, did he really love her at all?_

 

Turning onto his side, Daniel clutched at his chest, fingers bunching up the material of his pajamas over where he heart laid while his cast caught on some loose threads awkwardly.

 

It had to be real though, why else would it hurt so much?

 

 

If it wasn’t true love, why did it hurt to breathe when he caught sight of her in the lecture hall despite his friends’ best efforts?

 

 

If it wasn’t true love, why was he choking on his own tears even now?

 

 

If it wasn’t true love, then why does it feel like he’s drowning without her?

 

 

 _Because you’re afraid you’ll never find the one,_ that traitorous little voice whispered, _because you’re afraid that you’ll never find someone who loves you enough._

_You’re selfish; you just want your own happy ending. You never really cared about them at all,_ the voice continued to hiss viciously.

 

_How else can you fall in love so quickly again?_

 

_And again._

 

_And again and again._

_You’re **heartless** , **disgusting** , why would they ever want you when they realize what you’re really like? _

Daniel’s body shook with the force of his sobs as all his most damning doubts invaded his mind. He pressed his fist into his mouth, hoping to muffle his sobs, but failing.

 

_Why do you keep trying? They’re all just going to leave you in the end. You’ll never anything other than a **disappointment**. _

He falls asleep on top of his sheets, tears soaking into his pillow, too tired to pull the blankets on top of himself properly. For a second before he drops off, he thinks he can hear keys jingling at the door but the apartment remains silent. It’s only his imagination after all, even his friends are sick of him by now.

 

 _It’s only right that I’m alone,_ he muses sleepily, _I deserve it._

 

 

_I deserve this._

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Light falls right onto his closed eyes and Daniel’s face scrunches up in displeasure. His eyes feel puffy from crying himself to sleep and he had forgotten to draw the curtains last night, just another thing he can’t even do right. Pathetic.

 

Shifting away from whatever was tickling his nose, Daniel flings his right arm over his eyes to block out the light, yelping in pain as he forgot about the cast he had on. He tries to lift his other hand to rub at the tender spot on the bridge of his nose, only for it to bump into something too warm and solid to be a pillow.

 

Opening his eyes slowly, he’s met with the sight of messy dark chocolate locks resting right under his nose.

 

Eyes the same colour and intensity of a starless night blink up at him sleepily, fine lips curling upwards into a warm smile as a slender arm comes up to brush against the reddening spot on his nose gently.

 

“Hey,” Seongwoo whispers softly, hand moving to stroke Daniel’s cheek tenderly.

 

For a second, Daniel is speechless.

 

“ _Hyung,_ " he croaks out weakly, wincing at how raspy his voice sounds, "You’re home early.”

 

“Of course,” Seongwoo’s words ring out like a promise, his features soft and lovely in the morning light, “How could I leave you alone like this? I took an overnight train and came back as soon as I could.”

 

“Oh,” Daniel can’t help but smile back, helplessly fond, “I’m-I’m glad.”

 

Seongwoo shifts himself upwards, carding one hand through Daniel’s hair soothingly while his other arm wrapped around his friend, holding him tight.

 

“Get some more sleep, Danny-ah, you look so tired,” he coos, “I’m here now, you’re not alone anymore.”

 

“Okay,” Daniel mumbles, snuggling closer into Seongwoo’s arms, giving a happy sigh when the arm around his waist tightened obligingly.

 

Already the subtle notes of Seongwoo’s cologne seem to cocoon him, the rest of the world melting away. He drifts off to the gentle rhythm of Seongwoo’s fingers carding through his hair and the soothing familiarity of his roommate’s heartbeat.

 

It felt like coming home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently I'm on a roll now and posting way past midnight is my new thing. Thank god for weekends.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are alright, until they aren't. 
> 
> Also, cafés are more trouble than they're worth and Seongwoo might just invest in a really nice coffee machine by the end of this day instead.

The next time Daniel wakes, it’s to the feeling of someone playing with his hair and low chatter over his head. Slowly opening his eyes, he finds that Seongwoo had gotten up at time point and was now seating up, propped against the headboard while he spoke in low tones to Jisung and Taewoong. His friends had let themselves in some time in the morning, commandeered the computer chair and a stool from the dining area so they could join Seongwoo in Daniel’s room. The three so immersed in their conversation that they didn’t even notice Daniel waking.

 

Inexplicably annoyed that Seongwoo wasn’t so much as glancing in his direction, Daniel reached out to wrap his arms around his roommate’s waist, pulling the other boy closer so he could hide his face against a firm thigh.

 

Seongwoo startled a little at the sudden movement before chuckling lowly, fingers threading through Daniel’s hair, pushing his fading pink fringe out of his partially smooshed face.

 

“Look who’s awake!” he teased, “You ready to join us or are you going to go back to sleep like that?”

 

Daniel’s answering mumble is muffled into Seongwoo’s leg but the other boy answers without hesitation, “It’s Sunday, you idiot, you don’t have classes. Why else do you think we let you sleep this long?”

 

“Daniel-ah, aren’t you even going to greet us? So rude!” complained Jisung, slouching forwards against the backrest of the chair he was rocking back and forth on.

 

Daniel only groaned, refusing to move even as Seongwoo’s fingers start prodding at his side.

 

“Why are you all heereeeee,” he whined, “It’s too early, too early. Go home.”

 

“Ya, Daniel-ah, it’s almost noon. After we spent the whole week looking after you, this is how you treat your _hyungs_? You want to kick us out? What is this disrespect?! Get up you brat, get up right now!”

 

Daniel winced as Jisung’s ranting rose in both volume and pitch. Annoyed, Jisung threw himself off the chair, pitching himself onto the bed and on top of Daniel’s unsuspecting form. The youngest wheezed painfully, air knocked out of him in an instant while Taewoong cackled at his misfortune from a safe distance.

 

“Up!” commanded Jisung, grabbing Daniel by the ear and pulling without remorse, “You barely look like a person anymore, aish, no more sleeping; I don’t know why you spoil him like this Seongwoo. Go take a shower and come back when you’re human again!”

 

The younger boy yelped as he was shoved off the bed, “ _Hyung_! Don’t be so rough with an injured person.”

 

“You’re going to be disabled soon if you don’t fix your attitude,” Jisung threatened, pulling a change of clothes from Daniel’s dresser and chucking it at the boy, “Shower. Now.”

 

“Okay, okay,” Daniel gathered up his stuff in a haphazard pile and hightailed it to the washroom.

 

“And keep that hand dry!” Jisung shouted after him, sitting back down with a huff.

 

Taewoong snickered, patting his friend on the back. Seongwoo laughed freely now that Daniel was awake, spreading out on the bed to take advantage of the space Daniel had been forcibly vacated from.

 

“You’ve worked hard this week, _hyung_ ,” Seongwoo joked, reaching out to poke the fuming Jisung in the knee, “Let’s go to that café that opened up last month when Daniel comes back out, you said you liked their food, right?”

 

Jisung nodded, appeased at the offer of food, “I don’t know how you deal with him every day, you really spoil him too much. That’s probably why he moved out of our apartment and moved in with you instead.”

 

Seongwoo laughed, the bright sound seeming to dispel the somber mood that still lingered in the air around Daniel’s room more effectively than sunshine. “Ah, _hyung_ , he was doing me a favour when my last roommate left, I needed someone to split the rent with me. Don’t be mad, it’ll be my treat at lunch, okay? I got some good things from the shoot too; it’ll help when you’re pulling all-nighters.”

 

Jisung was quick to agree, widening his eyes dramatically and pouting as if he was ten, fifteen years younger.

 

“Seongwoo-ah,” he wheedled, wiggling around in his seat, “You got paid well for that shoot, right? Treat your _hyung_ to dessert too, I have no more money after paying tuition and the waffles at that café are really good.”

 

Taewoong smacked Jisung on the shoulder, “You’re so embarrassing sometimes, _hyung_ , begging your _dongsaeng_ to treat you so shamelessly.”

 

Turning to an amused Seongwoo, Taewoong grinned cheekily, “I don’t need dessert, so treat me to dinner too, okay, Seongwoo-ah?”

 

“Ya!” exclaimed Jisung, bolting up and tussling with his friend, both of them trying to put the other in a headlock first, “Who’s the shameless one now?”

 

“Why don’t you two start paying for yourselves and stop trying to extort Seongwoo?” grumbled Daniel, towel thrown across his shoulders even though water continue to drip from his hair onto the singlet he had on, “You both get paid as TAs on top of your part-time gigs, don’t act like you’re actually broke.”

 

“I don’t want to hear this from the person who mooches off Seongwoo the most,” declared Jisung, sticking his nose up high in the air.

 

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” Seongwoo insisted, drawing his legs up and out of the way, waving Daniel to come sit with him on the bed.

 

The younger boy automatically settled on the bed, leaning back to rest against his roommate’s legs. Instinctively, Seongwoo reached over to pull the towel from around Daniel’s shoulders and started to dry his hair, “How many times have I told you to dry your hair properly? You’re going to catch a cold like that.”

 

Daniel threw a grin over his shoulder, “But _hyung_ , you always do it for me so I don’t have to worry, right?”

 

“See? The person who is the most shameless does not get to speak!” insisted Jisung, “All I wanted were waffles!”

 

Seongwoo snorted while Jisung continued to complain about how shameless all his friends were in the background.

 

“Only waffles?” baited Taewoong.

 

Jisung fell silent for half a second, considering. “And carp bread! Kwon- _ahjusshi_ on the next block makes the best carp bread.”

 

“Okay, okay,” Seongwoo said decisively before the argument could start up again.

 

He stretched quickly, standing up and throwing the used towel into the laundry basket in the corner, then absentminded handing Daniel a sweater, “Let’s all go eat, I’m starving.”

 

* * *

 

 

Going to the café turns out to be a terrible idea of astronomical proportions.

 

At least, Jisung is sure everything is going to end in tears and _goddammit!_ they were finally making progress. At the sight of Hyerin perched on one of the stools at the counter and chatting with the barista, all traces of Daniel’s previous good mood vanish in the fraction of a heartbeat.

 

“Should we go somewhere else?” Taewoong offered tentatively.

 

Daniel shook his head determinedly when everyone glanced over to see his reaction.

 

“No,” he declared, mouth set in a grim line even as he edged himself slightly behind Seongwoo subconsciously, “We go to the same university, I can’t avoid her forever.”

 

“Okay, if you’re sure…..I’ll go order,” Jisung offered, “You guys go grab a table.”

 

“I’ll come with you,” Seongwoo moved away from Daniel with a supportive smile, “It’s my treat after all. Text us your orders, okay?”

 

“Okay,” the other two echoed, with Taewoong quickly pulling Daniel towards an empty table hidden partially by a large planter.

 

Jisung and Seongwoo stood in line, the older unable to stop himself from glancing towards Hyerin. He ordered quickly when the reached the register, Seongwoo pulling out his wallet to pay as promised.

 

Taking the credit card, the cashier snuck shy looks at Seongwoo before daring to ask, “Umm, excuse me, are you an actor? A model? You look very familiar…”

 

Just then, the mineral water commercial he shot came up on the flat screen TVs, zooming in on Seongwoo’s face as he took an exaggerated swig of the drink and flashed a dashing grin at the camera. The boy in question could only laugh sheepishly as the cashier blushed, asking timidly for a picture.

 

Seongwoo posed obligingly, drawing the attention of her coworkers and the other patrons around them.

 

_“Hey, is that?”_

 

_“Yeah, that’s the guy who was just in the ad right? Wow, his face is really small!”_

 

_“Did you take a picture of him?”_

 

_“Yes, yes, wow he is handsome.”_

 

_“Who do you think he is? New actor? Model?”_

 

Whispers broke out around them as Seongwoo shifted a little uncomfortably. He bowed slightly to the flustered cashier, keeping a bright smile on his face, and moved to collect their order. Jisung could hear the group of girls behind them in line giggle and sigh over how handsome he was as they tried to take pictures discreetly with their phones. Looks like they might have to leave for an entirely different reason.

 

The cashier apologized several times under her breath for causing a scene, slipping a few coupons for 25% off on their tray as an apology even though Seongwoo tried to tell her it was no issue.

 

Jisung fought back a shiver, suddenly feeling the intense gaze of someone from behind him. Whipping around, he realized the gaze wasn’t directed at him but rather at Seongwoo.

 

Less than two feet away, Hyerin was staring at the younger male, an uncharacteristically cold look on her face, lips pursed and twisting.

 

In that instant, Jisung couldn’t see any trace of the cute visuals Daniel used to gush about, but the hardness in her eyes vanished so suddenly that Jisung wondered if he had imagined it all. Sliding off her stool, she was all smiles and Jisung blinked rapidly, feeling like he was hallucinating.

 

“Seongwoo- _oppa_! Jisung- _oppa_!” she called, making her way over to where they were waiting for the last of their food.

 

Both boys glanced at each other skeptically but had no other choice other than to return her greetings.

 

“Congratulations on the ad, Seongwoo- _oppa_ , I never did get to congratulate you. Did your shoot go well this week?”

 

“Ah, yes, it went well, thank you. You look well.”

 

The last words sounded like an accusation even though Seongwoo’s smile was as charming as ever. Hyerin was unmoved, matching him smile for smile. Jisung was suddenly reminded of that nature documentary he watched back in 7th grade, showing how animals bared their teeth as a warning to each other rather than in greeting or to display any positive emotions.

 

“Thank you, last week was a little unfortunate but I’m sure we’ve all moved passed it.”

 

For a second, Jisung was positive Seongwoo was about to see if he could bat Hyerin across the room with the plastic tray he was gripping with white knuckles, but the younger boy didn’t do anything other than hold himself more tensely. Hyerin continued on as if she hadn’t just narrowly escaped a severe brain injury, “I’m sure you’re happy now, yes?”

 

“I beg your pardon?”

 

“Oh, the shoot went well and,” she responded airily as her smile slid seamlessly into a smirk, “I gave you what you wanted. Isn’t that right?”

 

"What I wanted?"

 

"Yes, aren't you glad?"

 

The tension was palpable and Jisung started to edge away from the two having a stare down, nudging Seongwoo lightly with his foot. The other boy exhaled slowly, managing to scrounge up a tight-lipped smile for the benefit of their audience. “I’m not sure what you mean, but I’m glad you’re well. Enjoy the rest of your day, we have to get back to our friends.”

 

The girl bobbed her head in acknowledgement, somehow managing to look charming while tilting her lips in a condescending angle, “Back to your _friend._ Of course. Have a good day, Jisung- _oppa_ , Seongwoo- _oppa_.”

 

She turned on her heel smoothly, her figure a whirl of peach-coloured skirts, and walked back to pick up her bag from the counter. Waving at them mockingly, she slipped out the door while everyone continued to stare at the two of them.

 

“Come on,” Jisung grumbled, turning away from the curious crowd, “Let’s go eat. I feel like I just aged ten years, what on Earth was that about?!”

 

“No idea,” Seongwoo muttered, readjusting his grip on the tray, “but I better not see her again. I don't think I can be responsible for my own actions if she speaks like that about Daniel again. _A little unfortunate._ The nerve.”

 

Jisung nodded his agreement, “You and me both. Wow, I hate to say it but I'm glad she broke up with Daniel if that’s how she really is. The way she just changed like that was terrifying...”

 

“Yeah, but let’s not tell him if he didn’t see that, okay? I don’t want him to start getting all moody again.”

 

“Agreed, food and you can scold him about his thumb. He wanted to keep b-boying on that hand, did you know that?” Jisung disclosed gleefully, happy to distract Seongwoo from more murderous thoughts and also to get Daniel in trouble at the same time. 

 

“He **what**?!”

 

“Are you talking behind my back again?” came Daniel’s complaint immediately as they set the trays on the table.

 

Taewoong snorted, “They didn’t even mention names yet and you automatically assume. Is it because you’re always guilty for something?”

 

“Daniel-ah,” Seongwoo started with a smile.

 

Daniel looked up and shivered; Seongwoo only ever smiled like that when he was upset at him. He glanced at Jisung who only grinned back at him, waiting for Daniel to start digging his own grave. Turning his best smile at Seongwoo seemed to have no effect at all.

 

"Yes, _hyung_?"

 

“What’s this I hear about you trying to _b-boy with a dislocated thumb?”_

 

_Ah, shit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my, would you all look at that! A post before midnight (does this count as twice in a day?), what on earth is going on?
> 
> (No really, I'm doing this more for my own health, I have work tomorrow and I'm exhausted from how much time I spent not-sleeping yesterday night. Biological clock also refused to let me sleep in on the one day I have off.)
> 
> This might be it for a while, guys! Work and no late nights means substantially less time to keep writing whatever this is turning out to be.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Communication is great. But it only works when people actually talk to each other. Also cake is the solution to everything. Well, almost everything.

By the time Jisung and Taewoong part ways with them, citing a backlog of unmarked papers ( _I wonder why that is, huh, Taewoong? it certainly isn’t someone who’s grateful)_ , Seongwoo is still refusing to talk to him in more than monosyllables. Daniel’s usual aegyo is met with a singularly unimpressed stare, skinship only rates a raised eyebrow and frankly Daniel is starting to feel offended.

 

“Ahh, _hyung_ ,” he complained again, “Why are you being like this? I’m fine, see? The cast comes off in a few days and I’ll be good as new. You’re making this into such a big deal.”

 

Seongwoo was silent for a moment before turning his full attention ( _finally!_ ) towards Daniel. The sweet taste of victory is cut away from him abruptly as he registers the solemn abyss of Seongwoo’s eyes boring into his own. “ _Hyung?”_ he asked, wondering why his voice sounded so small and unsure. _It was only Seongwoo hyung, right?_

 

Seongwoo _hyung_ who was always supportive and quick to smile, who took care of Daniel where other _hyungs_ might have taken advantage of him, who got upset at him sometimes but always forgave him. Seongwoo _hyung_ whom he had felt an instant connection with ever since he was assigned as Daniel’s mentor in his first year of university, who had quickly become his best friend despite the age difference, small as it might be.

 

Seongwoo who had never before been seriously angry with him like this.

 

“Daniel.”

 

On the busy streets, Daniel has to strain to hear Seongwoo’s voice. He tries to tell himself that his shiver was because of the wind and not the absence of a small syllable at the end of his name. It doesn’t help at all.

 

“If you think that this is something small, then I don’t know what to say. I’ve always told you that you need to take care of yourself; your health isn’t something so easy to replace. You want to pursue a career in teaching and in dance. How are you supposed to do that if you keep being so reckless even after you have been injured? Am I supposed to just stand here and watch you potentially ruin your future without saying a word?”

 

Daniel was silent, not even daring to look up at Seongwoo as he felt hot tears pushing at the back of his eyelids. Seongwoo’s calm and rational words made him feel like a child who had done something wrong, like he was five years old again and being scolded by his mother for playing with a terrified stray cat that had scratched up his arms after she had told him repeatedly not to touch it. _It wasn’t fair_ , he thought, _I am careful, this was just one time. A bad situation._ But he couldn’t find any words that his leaden tongue could wrap around, nor any words that could placate his _hyung_.

 

This wasn’t how the day was supposed to go either. Seongwoo was finally back after being gone for an entire week. They were supposed to hang out and have fun, catch up on all the things while looking at pictures of all the places Seongwoo had visited. If they went home now, Daniel knows that Seongwoo would have brought back gifts, tiny trinkets from every destination that Daniel kept in a hoard on his bookshelf.

 

He had it all planned in his head. They could spend a few hours at the arcade until Seongwoo started scolding him for not studying, badgering him about assignments that weren’t due for a couple of days yet. And then they could grab take out on the way home and Daniel would persuade Seongwoo to watch a drama while they were eating and then seamlessly turn it into a movie night before Seongwoo remembered to ask about his assignments again. Seongwoo would glance at him partway through the second episode with that fondly chagrined look that said he knew what Daniel was doing, but would let him get away with it because Jisung was right, he did spoil Daniel a lot.

 

Now he couldn’t even bring himself to look at his best friend.

 

When Daniel still didn’t respond, Seongwoo moved forward, clasping his shoulders gently.

 

“I guess you’re much too old for me to be telling you what to do, right?” he sounded defeated and Daniel wanted to take back whatever it was that he’d done to put that tone there, “I won’t nag then, I know you don’t like it. I’m going to go now; I’ll see you at home tonight. I haven’t seen Jonghyun in a while and I promised I’d visit. I’m sorry if I was too harsh.”

 

Seongwoo hugged Daniel but pulled back before Daniel could even raise his arms to reciprocate. For the second time in a week, Daniel found himself watching helplessly as someone he cared about walked away from him.

 

For some reason, this hurts more.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Turning the corner, Seongwoo slumped heavily against a wall where he knows Daniel can’t see him. He raked his fingers through his hair in frustration, why did he have to go and say that? Just when Daniel was getting better with the break up, did he have to go and be difficult like this?

 

 _Over-protective,_ he hears Jisung- _hyung_ ’s voice in his head _, you worry too much sometimes, Seongwoo-ah._

 

But how can he help it when his best friend is the most reckless person in the world? Well-meaning, yes, but part of Daniel seems to still be that child convinced he’s invincible. Seongwoo has lost track of the injuries Daniel comes back sporting with a grin, as if they’re badges of honour and not clear signs of dubious decision-making.

 

Because he absolutely had to do that dance move on the ledge, _hyung, it looked so much cooler that way when we shot the video. Don’t you agree?_

 

And he had to actually climb that tree to save a cat, who needs to wait for animal control or even a _proper ladder, the cat was so scared, hyung! Don’t worry, my leg will be fine in a few weeks, Choi-_ _Seongsaengnim said it was just a hairline fracture and I heal fast!_

 

Pulling out his phone, Seongwoo forced his hands to stop shaking as he dialed Jonghyun’s number from memory. _Hello?_

 

“Jonghyun-ah, are you busy? Can I come up?”

 

_Sure, just let yourself in. Code is the same, Minki and Dongho are home too._

 

“Okay….I’ll be there is five.”

 

_….Seongwoo-ah, did something happen?_

 

Seongwoo took a deep breath and then exhaled in slow-measured breaths like Jonghyun had taught him so long ago. “Hyung, I think I messed up.”

 

* * *

 

 

After Seongwoo walks away, Daniel starts heading back to the apartment, clinging to the words that Seongwoo had said desperately, going over each syllable with a fine-tooth comb.

 

Seongwoo had said he would see him back at the apartment, right?

 

He was coming back, this wasn’t like with Hyerin.

 

Seongwoo was just meeting up with Jonghyun- _hyung_.

 

It was fine.

 

It was normal.

 

Daniel just needs to go back to the apartment and wait for Seongwoo to come back. He would apologize for whatever it was Seongwoo wanted him to apologize for and then he would be forgiven and he would have his best friend back.

 

He doesn’t know how long he walks for, doesn’t realize how long he has wandered until he finds himself outside the patisserie with those tiny strawberry and yuzu cakes that Seongwoo loves so much. Daniel can remember Seongwoo passing by, pressing his face close enough to the display window to leave an imprint, while sighing over how he couldn’t eat the cakes as he often as he would like without putting on weight.

 

Before he even realizes what he’s done, he’s pushing open the door and stepping inside. Immediately he’s hit with the warm scent of butter and sugar and he can feel his mouth start to water even though they just ate.

 

“Welcome to Du- ah! _Hyung_!” a bright voice calls from behind the counter.

 

Daniel blinks and looks up to see Jihoon standing there in a baby blue uniform, the white cap that all the other employees wore sat lopsided on his head.

 

“Jihoonie-ah,” he calls back, wincing slightly at how familiar he sounded but Jihoon didn’t seem to mind at all, beaming at him cheerfully.

 

“It’s been so long, _hyung_ , I thought you promised not to be a stranger,” he pouts.

 

It’s a terribly tempting look on him, a look that used to make Daniel want to hide him from the rest of the world and then fix whatever was wrong. Now that feeling is still there, albeit muted, and a traitorous part of Daniel’s brain forces him to reconsider just why they’d broken up.

 

“Sorry, I’ve just been very busy. I didn’t know you worked here though, what happened to your other gig?”

 

“Ah, the boss had a family emergency and had to go back to Jeju-do, the shop is closed for the next few months. But I still need the money so my friend, Samuel, got me a job here with him!”

 

“I didn’t get you the job,” called a smaller, blond boy coming out from the back with a tray of artfully glazed blackcurrant tarts, a peevish look on his face “You’re the one who just followed me here and bullied the manager into giving you a position. I never asked you to follow me here!”

 

“Ah, don’t be so cold Samuel!”

 

“You just want to get in my cousin’s pants, don’t you deny it,” the now-named Samuel hissed, looking not unlike a soaked kitten trying to be intimidating, though Daniel supposed it was hard to be intimidating in baby blue with a sailor-themed cap on your head.

 

“Don’t listen to him, _hyung,”_ Jihoon declares with a wink, “He’s just jealous because I like Jinyoung more. What can I get for you today?”

 

Daniel glances over the assortment of cakes and tarts, while a scandalized Samuel raves about how he is _the absolute farthest thing from jealous, how dare you try to insinuate otherwise_ , eyes coming back to the strawberry and yuzu cakes over and over again.

 

“Two of the strawberry yuzu cakes, please, and a Mont Blanc too,” he finally decides.

 

“Coming right up!” Jihoon slides the back of the case open and carefully removes the requested cakes, placing them into a pre-folded box, “Did you fight with Seongwoo _hyung_?”

 

Daniel’s head snapped up so quickly he was surprised his neck didn’t snap, “What?”

 

“Ah,” Jihoon waves off his shocked response easily with a laugh, “it’s just that the strawberry yuzu cakes are Seongwoo _hyung’s_ favourite. And you looked upset and kind of lost when you came in.”

 

“How did you know that?”

 

“That you fought? Or that they were his favourite?”

 

Daniel shrugged, embarrassed by how loud he had been, “Either. Both.”

 

“ _Hyung_ ,” he could almost taste the judgment in Jihoon’s voice, “You almost bit my head off that time I accidentally ate the cake you saved for him. It was kind of hard to forget.”

 

“Oh. Did I do that?”

 

“Yes,” Jihoon deadpanned, hands never stopping as they packaged up the cakes, “That was the first time you ever got mad at me. I was terrified, I didn’t even know why you were so upset.”

 

“Ah,” Daniel trailed off, “sorry….”

 

“Oh, don’t worry about it now, just go home and make up already. You look miserable.”

 

“Is it that obvious?”

 

“Yes,” wow, Jihoon was not pulling any punches today Daniel marveled, “you’re dragging your feet and there’s a extra slump to your shoulders, _hyung_. Why did you fight? Was it about your break up with Hyerin- _noona_?”

 

“How do you even know about-“

 

Jihoon waved him off impatiently, his tone dismissive, “I know people, _hyung_. Besides, you weren’t exactly subtle the way you were all week, and Hyerin- _noona_ went crying to Soyeon- _noona_ right after she broke up with you and everyone in that bar heard _everything_.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Oh, indeed. Heartless and oblivious as ever, I see, _hyung_ ,” Jihoon teased, “Here you go, two strawberry yuzu cakes and a Mont Blanc. That’ll be ₩14,500!”

 

“What-“

 

Jihoon shook his head at him, tsking. “Friendly discount,” he pushed the box into Daniel’s hands and winked, “Just take the cakes and go home, _hyung_. I’ll see you around?”

 

Daniel swallows and then nods, paying with a weak smile, “Thanks Jihoonie, I’ll see you around.”

 

“I’m holding you to that this time!”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Okay, so to rehash this quickly, Daniel hurt himself because Hyerin broke up with him, and then you found out he not only got hurt but almost kept dancing with the injury and you lost your composure and lectured him in the middle of the street. And now you’re scared that you’ve made him upset again right after the Hyerin thing and won’t want to talk to you anymore. Did I miss anything?”

 

“No, that’s it,” Seongwoo sat slumped against Jonghyun, Minki beside him listening with wide eyes, “I screwed up didn’t I?

 

“I wouldn’t say screwed up,” Jonghyun hedged cautiously, “But that was a bit of an overreaction, yes. How is this any different from all the _other_ things that Daniel has done to himself over the years?”

 

Seongwoo sighed, looking to Minki as if he might be able to provide an explanation. The currently blond male just raised both delicate eyebrows at him and got up with a smile, “I’ll get you some water while you mull that one over, Seongwoo.”

 

He groaned, leaning his head against Jonghyun who patted his arm absently, “It’s not. I don’t know why I got so upset.”

 

“I think you know why you got so upset,” called Dongho from across the room, not looking up from his tablet, “this is hardly the first time for you either. You just never confronted him about it. Or yourself.”

 

Seongwoo set his face mulishly, jaw jutting out slightly, “I don’t know what you mean.”

 

“Seongwoo-ah,” chided Minki, placing the glass of water on the coffee table and sinking into the couch beside him, “Don’t act the fool now. It doesn’t suit you.”

 

“I thought we agreed not to talk about this,” he whined, cringing away from Jonghyun’s flick to his nose.

 

“No,” his friend replied, poking him in the forehead instead, “ _You_ decided not to talk about this. We just thought you’d realize how stupid it was and finally talk it out. Who would have thought we’d be here three years later and you’d _still_ be trying to pretend the elephant in the room doesn’t exist and definitely isn’t pink.”

 

“I just want to be friends without ruining anything,” Seongwoo breathed his answer into the air so softly it was almost lost immediately, “I told myself that was all I needed.”

 

“Even now?”

 

“Yes. He doesn’t see me that way. It’s okay, I accepted this a long time ago.”

 

“I don’t think you did,” Minki said carefully, though his eyes were fierce and bright, “I don’t think you ever gave yourself a chance at all. I understand why you think you have to do this, but I also think that you’re wrong, Seongwoo-ah. You deserve more than this and you’re only hurting yourself by being stubborn.”

 

They watched, startled, as Minki stood up again abruptly and made for the door.

 

“I’m going to find Minhyun and Aaron. Don’t wait up,” he declared, exiting the apartment without another word; even Dongho looked up at this, a measured look on his face.

 

“I’m sorry,” Seongwoo's sigh echoed the sound of the door closing behind Minki, “I didn’t mean to make him upset.”

 

“It’s not your fault, you know Minki doesn’t like it when people around him are upset and he can’t fix things. But Seongwoo-ah, are you really sure you want to keep doing this?”

 

Seongwoo strained his eyes so he could look at Jonghyun’s face without having to move from his position.

 

“Yes.”

 

“….okay. Okay. Visit more often from now on, okay? I know Minki stormed out but he’ll still be worried. So you need to come back and show him you’re alright.”

 

“And,” Dongho piped up, giving up on the game he was trying to beat, “He’s going to tell Minhyun, who’s going to tell Hyunbin when he visits, and then they’ll all feed off each other and be as worried as possible without telling you. So you definitely need to come over, okay?”

 

With a small smile, Seongwoo agreed, “I will. Promise. Thanks guys.”

 

“Don’t mention it, now, can someone beat this level for me? I’ve been stuck on it for an _hour_.”

 

“…….Dongho- _ah_ , are you really still playing _Tsum Tsums_?”

 

“Shut up. Neither of you get to judge me - _hey, stop laughing!”_

 

 

* * *

 

 

Daniel exits the patisserie to the sound of Samuel insisting Jihoon isn’t allowed to give discounts like that, only to become promptly derailed as Jihoon starts musing out loud about what he should wear when he _meets up with Jinyoung tonight_.

 

Looking down at the cake box in his hands, Daniel heads home for real this time, oddly bolstered by Jihoon’s words. Jihoon had seemed so certain that whatever Daniel and Seongwoo had been fighting about would resolve itself that he was starting to really believe it too.

 

It was going to be fine now; he was just letting his bad mood from the last week taint everything. Balancing the box carefully in one hand, he pulled his phone out and shot off a quick text to Seongwoo.

 

 

 

_When are you coming home?_

 

 

The reply was almost instant and Daniel doesn’t bother fighting back his grin.

 

 

_Be back in an hour._

_Need me to grab dinner?_

 

_Please~!!!_

_Can we get fried chicken?_

 

_Sure._

_From Lee-Ahjumma’s place? Your usual?_

 

 _Yes! You’re the best hyung~_ ♥

 

 

_Okay. See u in a bit_

 

_Hurry home! ^o^ I want to eat chicken!!_

 

_Be patient or I’m getting all the side dishes you don’t like_

 

_Ah, hyung~ Don’t be like this~_

 

_Save your aegyo, I’ll see you soon_

 

_I’ll be waiting!_

 

 

Daniel tucked his phone back into his pocket, resisting the urge to bounce home, mindful of the cakes he was holding. Today was turning out to be a good day after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mid-week update! I thought it was going to be end of the week, but what would you know. (I totally didn't reread all your comments trying to stay motivated, nope.) 
> 
> Also known as: the chapter where all the other trainees just decided to crash the party and show up. Who's even driving this bus anymore because it sure as hell doesn't seem to be me.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reconciliation does not equal solution. Seongwoo finds himself suffocating in increments.

Fishing out his keys, Seongwoo barely manages to insert his key into the lock before the door is flung open, yanking the metal out of his hand and sending it flying somewhere inside the apartment. Anything he is about to say in complaint is cut short by the sight of Daniel beaming at him, smiling so widely his eyes were reduced to half-moon crescents.

 

“ _Hyung,_ you’re back!”

 

Daniel’s pink hair is tousled and falling into his eyes, he’s wearing his favourite sweatpants and only one sock, but what stops Seongwoo in his steps for a moment is the fact that Daniel is wearing a very familiar black knit sweater. A black sweater with zippers at the sleeves, one that was just starting to fray at the collar, and is stretched just a little too tightly across Daniel’s shoulders.

 

Realizing he has stood frozen in the doorway for more than a few seconds, Seongwoo does the only thing that he can think of at that moment and shoves the bag of fried chicken at Daniel blindly.

 

“Hold this,” he manages to spit out, “and move back a little. How am I supposed to get through the doorway with you in the way?”

 

Daniel shuffles backward, grin never fading from his face. “Ah, _hyung_ , you were taking so long.”

 

“I told you in an hour or so, you’re always so impatient,” he responded, busying himself with putting his shoes away, counting to ten in his head before he let himself look up and met Daniel’s eyes again.

 

Daniel is quick to snag Seongwoo’s sleeve with his free hand, pulling him into the living room and dropping the bag of take-out on to the coffee table. Seongwoo notices that there are already plates and napkins laid out and he snorts lightly, “Were you that hungry? We didn’t eat that long ago, you know.”

 

“It didn’t feel like an hour though, it felt much longer than that. Hey, what do you want to watch? Did we finish the drama we were watching last time?”

 

“Don’t you have work to catch up on?”

 

Daniel shoots Seongwoo a betrayed look over his shoulder, nose crinkling in a manner that is absolutely _not_ adorable at the word ‘work’.

 

“ _Hyung!_ This is the first day you’re back and we can hang out, why are you trying to make me go back to my room and study already?”

 

“Because you always leave all your assignments till the last minute. And I _know_ you didn’t get anything done in the week I was gone.”

 

“Yeah well,” Daniel looked down, fiddling with the remote dejectedly, “It’s not like I could concentrate.”

 

Seongwoo viciously squashes the urge to wrap the other boy up in a hug, determinedly staying in his spot on the couch, opting instead to start opening up the take out containers, setting out the side dishes neatly.

 

“That doesn’t mean that you can just abandon your school work, you’re a student still,” he scolds instead, “and you’re certainly seem to be fine now.”

 

A warm weight settles over his legs, Daniel having thrown himself across Seongwoo’s lap with a cheeky grin.

 

“It’s better now that you’re back,” he says matter-of-factly, as if every word he utters isn’t wrecking havoc on Seongwoo’s mind, “I don’t like it when the apartment is empty.”

 

Staring at the boy smiling up at him, Seongwoo feels his brain shut down momentarily as he grasps desperately for some semblance of a normal reply. “It was hardly empty. I know Jisung _hyung_ and the others didn’t leave you alone for a moment in case you decided to be more of an idiot than usual.”

 

“It’s not the same!” the pink haired boy whined, burying his face against Seongwoo’s stomach, seeming not to notice the way his friend held himself absolutely still, tension coursing through his frame.

 

 _Maybe he shouldn’t have visited Jonghyun after all_ , Seongwoo gripes silently to himself, trying not to let his inner turmoil show on his face. It was always worse right after they pushed, making him hyper aware of the _possibilities_ , the forbidden suddenly no longer content to be pushed to the corner of his mind and ignored as was the norm. Or maybe he should have just stayed at Jonghyun’s for the night and avoided this confrontation for as long as possible, but Seongwoo already knows that there was no way he would have left Daniel alone in the apartment after their little tiff.

 

Seongwoo opens his mouth to tell Daniel to sit up and eat, but then Daniel shifts just a little too _close and_ Seongwoo’s mind fails him. What comes out instead is, “You’re wearing my sweater.”

 

Daniel turns his head, one eye peeking up at Seongwoo. “Yeah, it’s comfy. And the zipper at the sleeve makes it easier for my cast, see?” he holds up his right hand to demonstrate.

 

Seongwoo swallows hard, silently berating himself. _Of course he didn’t mean anything by it, you idiot, you’re the only one making a big deal of this._

 

“You’re going to stretch it out.”

 

His protest sounds weak even to his ears and Daniel seems to know already that Seongwoo doesn’t really care, that he’s complaining just to keep up appearances, and gets up to finish picking out a movie. He wonders if he’s fooling anyone at this point, if Daniel already knows and is just humouring him out of pity.

 

By the time Daniel has made his selection and returned to sit beside him on the coach, humming to himself and filling his plate eagerly, Seongwoo still doesn’t have an answer. In fact, he’s never going to have an answer. If it was that easy he’s sure he would have found an answer months ago, years even maybe.

 

_You’ve never let yourself even hope, why start now? If you’re not going to ask, then stop moping._

 

The snarky little voice in his head sounds suspiciously like Minki and Seongwoo can’t help but huff out a little laugh. Daniel turns to look at him curiously, cheeks bulging with chicken like a scavenging squirrel’s, sauce smeared at the corner of his mouth. Seongwoo can’t help it when the corners of his mouth twitch upwards fondly; he’s reaching out to wipe the sauce away when he remembers to stop himself. Instead he awkwardly diverts his hand to grab a napkin, pushing it into Daniel’s hand.

 

“You have sauce on your face,” he points at the corner of his own mouth, “right there.”

 

“Oh!” Daniel sticks his tongue out, trying to lick the sauce away and ignoring the napkin entirely, “What about now?”

 

Seongwoo rolls his eyes, giving up and snatching the napkin back to wipe away the sauce, purposely keeping his movements brisk and as impersonal as possible. “I’ve seen five year olds with better table manners than you.”

 

That only earns him another dramatic pout and Seongwoo turns away with another roll of his eyes.

 

“Start the movie already, the food is getting cold.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Seongwoo was still mad at him. Daniel could tell even though Seongwoo was also trying his hardest not to upset Daniel by making it obvious in clear consideration of Daniel’s recent break-up. Daniel appreciates the thought so he decided to do what he did best, which was steamroll over any pauses in their usual flow by sheer force of will and pretend everything was fine.

 

Still, it’s leaving him feeling awkward and lonely even though Seongwoo is sitting less than two inches away from him. In the eight months since they’ve become roommates, Seongwoo had never held himself apart from Daniel quite like this. In fact, after the first couple of weeks after they first met, Daniel had already bulldozed over any personal barriers between them and Seongwoo had never seemed to mind or bothered to reinstate any sort of boundaries between them.

 

Now those two inches feel like a chasm the size of the Pacific Ocean, the sight of what should be a tiny space causing a frown to take up residence on Daniel’s face. From the moment that Seongwoo had stepped in through that door, he hasn’t initiated any physical contact. At all.

 

At first it had not been too glaring of a difference because Seongwoo still allowed Daniel into his personal space. But there was no reciprocation, no warm weight of an arm thrown over his shoulders or quick ruffle messing up his hair. When Daniel caught Seongwoo aborting his attempt to clean the sauce on his face and instead handing the napkins to him, he had felt a weight settle over his chest again.

 

Seongwoo was still mad.

 

So Daniel had stubbornly refused to use the napkin in retaliation, deliberately making a display of ineffectually cleaning off the sauce to provoke a response. When Seongwoo had reached over to clean the sauce off in exasperation, it had felt like a small victory. But all too soon, those invisible walls that were never present before were up again and Seongwoo had retreated to _his side_ of the couch. Daniel decided right then and there that he really didn’t like it when the couch had sides, even as a part of him insisted he was making a mountain out of a molehill.

 

They finished the rest of the movie in relative silence. Daniel resisted the urge to push against the unspoken boundaries and just drape himself over Seongwoo like he would normally whenever he is feeling particularly tactile. It was a near thing, but he managed. Just barely.

 

 _After the movie,_ he thought to himself, glancing at Seongwoo out of the corner of his eye, _after the movie, I’ll bring out the cakes and apologize properly and it’ll be fine then._

 

 

* * *

 

 

When Daniel runs into the kitchen declaring that he has a surprise, Seongwoo cleans up the take out containers, stacking up the plates to be washed afterwards. He looks up again at the sound of Daniel drawing closer and has a plate of something pink nearly shoved into his nose.

 

“Surprise!” Daniel chirps, sounding very pleased with himself.

 

Seongwoo stares for a moment at the sight of his favourite cake, the strawberry on top a little crooked from Daniel’s over-enthusiastic handling, but otherwise intact. He lets a hand fly to his mouth dramatically as he flopped to the side, crying fake tears of joy. “My favourite!” he cries, “Omo, Danny-ah, how did you know I was craving this? Thank you!”

 

The pink-haired boy rubs at the back of his head, embarrassed for all of two seconds before he preens like a cat that ate the canary and got away with it too. “Ah, I was just passing by and it reminded me of you, _hyung._ You haven’t gone there for a while, right?”

 

Seongwoo nods and digs in eagerly, knees bumping with Daniel’s casually as he tries not to devour the entire cake in a single bite. It’s still gone much too quickly and he’s left staring mournfully at the empty plate while Daniel snickers.

 

“There’s a second one in the fridge if you want it _hyung_ ,” he announces teasingly.

 

Seongwoo’s head snaps up, “Really?!”

 

“Yes, yes,” Daniel laughed, “Would I ever lie to you about cake?”

 

“It’s not like you haven’t before,” Seongwoo reminds him, mind racing in directions it is _not allowed_ _to go in, thank you very much_ , nibbling at the fork absently.

 

Daniel didn’t have to buy him cake after their one-sided fight. Part of Seongwoo feels guilty, but the side of him that is determined to enjoy basking in the pink-haired boy’s affection for once quickly beats it into submission. Was this entirely a friendly gesture?

 

 _Does he dare?_ Seongwoo wonders, watching Daniel try to catch the final crumbs of the Mont Blanc he had demolished with his fingers and then, failing, leaning over to swipe at his plate with his tongue. _A chance,_ Minki’s voice insists, _don’t you deserve a chance?_

 

Seongwoo’s mouth drifts open as he tries to find his voice.

 

He’s beaten to the punch.

 

“Oh! I saw Jihoonie today at the patisserie!” Daniel announces with an excited grin.

 

Rummaging around for a napkin, Daniel thankfully misses the sight of Seongwoo’s mouth clicking shut, jaws clamping down with the ferocity of a bear trap on the leg of an unsuspecting hiker.

 

_Jihoonie._

 

“Oh?”

 

“Yeah, he gave me a discount, isn’t that great? And, oh, you wouldn’t believe it! They switched the uniforms to this sailor-theme for promotions and some of the staff looked pretty uncomfortable. I don’t blame them, Jihoonie is lucky he looks cute in that get-up. I think the blond kid with him wanted to burn those sailor hats they had to wear.”

 

“What a coincidence, that’s nice of him,” Seongwoo struggles to keep his voice steady, wondering if he sounds as faint as he feels, “Maybe you should work there then. That get-up sounds great for some blackmail.”

 

“Ha, ha, _hyung_. Very funny. But yeah, it was unexpected but nice to see him again, you know?” the pink-haired boy continues, “I didn’t realize I missed talking to him until now. He was pretty peeved at me for not staying in contact too.......maybe I’ll see if he wants to hang out sometime next week?”

 

“That sounds great,” Seongwoo stands, taking the plate from Daniel and collecting everything else still stacked on the coffee table; he needed to get out of the living room right now.

 

“You need any help with the dishes, _hyung?_ ”

 

“No, you have a cast on still. Can you take the trash out though? It’s starting to overflow and it'll stink up the apartment if we leave it for any longer.”

 

“Sure,” Daniel clambered to his feet, making his way to the kitchen and accepting the neatly tied-off bag from Seongwoo, “I’ll be right back.”

 

At the sound of the apartment door clicking shut, Seongwoo lets out an explosive sigh, bracing his hands against the edge of the sink and letting his head drop forward in defeat. Who was he even kidding, did he really think he would ever be considered when Daniel had let guys like Jihoon go?

 

Park Jihoon who was known across campus for being cute and lovely and everything that Seongwoo very much was not?

 

_A favourite friend. His hyung. Only ever that and nothing more._

 

But that was fine. Seongwoo had known this already. Daniel would get over Hyerin in a week or two and then later he’d fall for some other cute girl in his class or some sweet guy he bumped into at a coffee shop.

 

And Seongwoo would cheer him on like a best friend ought to, would meet a kind stranger whom would introduce themselves with a smile (because Daniel always fell for the ones with the loveliest smiles), and get used to coming home to find an extra person curled up beside Daniel in their living room. He had done this before, he could do this again.

 

He picked up a plate and started scrubbing at it with much more force than was warranted, not even bothering to put on the rubber gloves to shield his hands from the scalding hot tap water. His fingers turned bright red in a matter of moments as he resolutely scoured the innocuous plate, rubbing every last trace of cake and cream from its surface. By the time he moves on to the cutlery, his hands are smarting painfully; Seongwoo ignores it all.

 

He could do this.

 

 

* * *

 

 

After his shower, Daniel changes into his pajamas quickly and quietly makes his way over to Seongwoo’s room. Seeing the sliver of light shining out from the crack at the bottom of the closed door, he steeled himself and knocked softly. “ _Hyung?”_

 

“Yes?” Seongwoo’s soft voice calls out, slightly distorted by the door.

 

Daniel pushes open the door cautiously. Seongwoo is sitting on his bed, eyes riveted to the novel in his hands, the glasses that he seldom wears having slid down the bridge of his delicate nose. He’s only wearing a loose grey tank top, the band of his boxers peek out from where the covers are pulled up to his lap. It’s an obnoxious pink, the pair that Hyunbinie had bought Seongwoo as a gag gift for Christmas last year; the younger boy would no doubt be ecstatic to learn that Seongwoo was actually wearing his gift.

 

When Daniel doesn’t speak, Seongwoo glances up at him over the tops of his glasses. Daniel is suddenly reminded of just why his best friend is a model; it must be criminal to look that striking in such mismatched clothes and a pair of slightly crooked glasses.

 

“Did you need something, Danny- _ah_?”

 

The sound of his name called so affectionately breaks him from his stupor and Daniel pulls his pillow out from behind him, hugging it to his chest while shuffling uncertainly in the doorway, flashing his best puppy-eyes at his friend.

 

“Can I sleep in your room tonight? I don’t want to stare at my ceiling anymore.”

 

For a moment Seongwoo is silent, expressionless, and Daniel is certain that he isn’t forgiven, that Seongwoo will tell him " _Not tonight"_ and send him back to his room to wallow in his loneliness.

 

Instead his roommate sighs and shakes his head; he marks his place carefully and snaps his novel shut, setting it on the bedside table with a quirk to his lips.

 

“Sure. Why not?”

 

Daniel perks up immediately, closing the door and skipping over to the bed before Seongwoo can change his mind. His _hyung_ replaces his glasses in the drawer of his bedside table and slides it shut smoothly, rubbing at the bridge of his nose distractedly.

 

“You okay sleeping on the inside? I have class early in the morning; I don’t want to have to climb over you to get out.”

 

“That’s fine!” Daniel beams, chucking his pillow at the wall and clambering over Seongwoo’s lap to get to the other side of the bed.

 

He burrows under the blankets and looks up at Seongwoo who stares at him for a moment before getting up again to turn the lights off, leaving only the lamp on the bedside table to illuminate the room.

 

“Next time, turn off the lights when you’re already by the door,” he grumbles good-naturedly before slipping under the blankets as well.

 

“Sorry, sorry,” Daniel breathes in the familiar scent of their detergent and Seongwoo’s cologne, in too good of a mood to be bothered by his _hyung_ scolding him.

 

Seongwoo only huffs in response, mumbling something about Daniel never actually listening to him, before reaching over to turn off the lamp with a soft click. The moment Seongwoo is settled beside him, Daniel turns on his side to face his friend. It takes a moment for his eyes to adjust to the dark, the only source of light being the tiny slivers of moon-glow and streetlamps filtering through the cracks of the blinds.

 

Slowly, he can make out Seongwoo’s eyes gazing back at him, liquid orbs oddly luminous and riveting. He grins, reaching out to poke at each of the moles on Seongwoo’s cheek playfully out of habit.

 

“You have a constellation on your face, _hyung_.”

 

Seongwoo bats Daniel’s fingers away with a huff, “So you’ve said before. Stop poking my face all the time.”

 

This close, Daniel can almost feel Seongwoo’s breath in the space between them with every reply.

 

“Yeah, but it isn’t fair. This must be why you’re a model,” he traces each of the points carefully, squinting slightly to focus on them, “Even your moles are pretty.”

 

“This is why we don’t watch rom-coms, you get ridiculous after every time.”

 

“I’m serious!” Daniel whined, shuffling closer to head butt Seongwoo impishly.

 

They fall silent, Seongwoo closing his eyes, giving up on trying to keep Daniel’s fingers away from him. Pressing his finger gently into the mole closest to Seongwoo’s lips, Daniel whispers into the space between them.

 

“Hey, _hyung?_ ”

 

“Hmmm?”

 

“Can we name this star after me?”

 

Seongwoo’s hand comes up to grasp Daniel’s hand with a groan, pulling the offending limb away from his face and holding it hostage underneath the covers. “Go to sleep, Danny-ah,” he mumbles sleepily.

 

Daniel quickly readjusts his hand so that their fingers are interlaced more comfortably, squeezing Seongwoo’s hand. He grins into the dark when Seongwoo squeezes back.

 

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is the longest chapter yet? Just by a bit, but it is!
> 
> On another note, who else is as frustrated as I am after this chapter?


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things continue on as normal until suddenly, the rules of the game changes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did someone order express delivery? =D

Seongwoo wakes up to find that Daniel has decided to sleep almost completely on top of him at some point in the night. The weight is comforting and he strokes the fading pink mop softly, wishing that he could wake up like this every morning, but also certain that his heart can’t handle feeling this full while knowing it would never be more than Daniel seeking comfort.

 

He extracts himself from Daniel’s octopus-like limbs with practiced ease, moving just slowly enough not to wake the other boy and quickly substituting his pillow into Daniel’s arms so he has something to cling to. The younger boy mumbles incoherently in his sleep, burying his face into Seongwoo’s pillow and drooling slightly.

 

Seongwoo goes through his morning routine quietly and Daniel sleeps through every minute. Shouldering his bag, Seongwoo finds himself awkwardly standing over the sleeping boy, not wanting to leave, but also not knowing what he was still lingering for. He crouches down beside his bed, putting himself at eye-level with Daniel and reaches out towards him, intending to trace his sleep-slacked features, only to stop short.

 

His hand hovers over Daniel’s cheek indecisively before he draws it back with a self-depreciating sigh.

 

Getting to his feet, he sets the alarm for 8AM, recalling Daniel has class at 9:30 AM on Mondays and knowing the boy takes forever to actually drag himself out of bed. He lets himself out the door with a near silent click.

 

On the bed, Daniel turns over, burrowing his face deeper into Seongwoo’s pillow, seeking that familiar scent and frowning when he doesn’t find the corresponding warmth.

 

He doesn’t wake until the alarm goes off two hours later.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The rest of the week goes by normally, they fall back into their usual routine easily and Hyerin’s name remains a forbidden taboo within their friend circle. On Wednesday, Daniel’s cast is removed without any further complications, though Dr. Choi gives Daniel another firm talking to about the dangers of practicing tricks when he’s not concentrating.

 

When Jisung snickers at Daniel’s browbeaten face, the younger boy retaliates by shoving his newly-healed hand into his face, forcing his  _hyung_  to smell it.

 

Jisung screams and chases him around the block, screeching about the stench and  _Oh God, you haven’t washed that hand in a week, how dare you touch me with that you little brat!_

 

Everyone else watches the chaos unfold in amusement, glad that Daniel was mostly back to his usual cheerful self. Taewoong moves away from the group discussing where to go for food and sidles up to where Seongwoo is standing, asking under his breath, “You guys okay?”

 

Seongwoo looks at him quizzically, “What do you mean,  _hyung_?”

 

The other boy just gives him a  _look_ , “Jisung might have thought it was all in fun, but I know you guys probably fought about Daniel’s hand on Sunday after his comment. Everything okay?”

 

“Oh. That. Yeah, we’re fine.”

 

Silence hangs between them for a moment, Taewoong still looking at Seongwoo skeptically before his gaze shifts towards sympathy. He clasps Seongwoo on the shoulder and smiles wryly, “Daniel is a bit of an idiot sometimes, but he’s lucky to have you. Just don’t….don’t forget to take care of yourself too, okay?”

 

Seongwoo looks away, staring at the cracks on the pavement under his feet. “Of course,” he reaches up to pat the hand Taewoong has on his shoulder, “Don’t worry  _hyung_ , I’m fine.”

 

The look he gets in return suggests Taewoong doesn’t believe him in the slightest but he doesn’t push, instead casually throwing an arm over Seongwoo’s shoulders and steering him over to join everyone else who was not running wildly around the block.

 

“So,” Taewoong starts with a mischevious look, “Jisung got his waffles. How about that dinner?”

 

Seongwoo laughs helplessly, nodding, “Sure,  _hyung_ , sure. But just you, I’m not feeding everyone else!”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

On the following week, after his last class of the day, Seongwoo cautiously pokes his head into Jonghyun’s shared apartment and only to be immediately yanked inside. He finds himself shortly bulldozed by the force of the human-hurricane that is Choi Minki and regretting keeping his promise of visiting soon.

 

“You’re coming out with us tonight,” the blond terror declares, shoving clothes that are decidedly not Seongwoo’s into his arms and pushing him into the washroom, “Get changed. We’re not taking no for an answer.”

 

“Minki-ah,” Seongwoo’s protests are promptly ignored as he gets another shirt thrown into his face.

 

“Change,” Minki demands, already done riffling through the contents of what looks to be three closets and moving on to a fourth, clothing spilling out into the corridor.

 

“Minki, I’m not going to fit into any of your clothes.”

 

“No, but you’ll fit into Minhyun’s, you’re around the same size.”

 

“Just put them on, or we’re never going to hear the end of it,” Dongho calls from his room, “Minhyun’s not going to mind. They’ve been plotting for days.”

 

“Where’s Jonghyun?” he asks, craning his head to peer inside Dongho’s room.

 

The other male snorts. “Hiding. You know he hates going out.”

 

Seongwoo finds himself nodding, wishing that was an option for him as Minki manhandles him back into the washroom with more clothes that have materialized from the void of clothing. Dongho makes no move to save him despite the obvious cry for help written all over Seongwoo's face, choosing instead to wiggle his fingers mockingly in goodbye as Minki shuts the bathroom door behind Seongwoo determinedly, cutting off any hopes of escape. Seongwoo looks down at the pile of and sighed, might as well get it over with.

 

Twenty minutes and seven outfits later, Minki is finally satisfied with his 'look'. Seongwoo is immediately shoved into a seat in front of a vanity, eyes closed in resignation as the blond hovers over him with eyeliner, wondering why this was more exhausting than any of his shoots.

 

Dongho wanders into the room, settling down to watch the show with a grin, fiddling absentmindedly with his phone.

 

"How come Dongho doesn't have to dress up?" Seongwoo complains.

 

Dongho grins, "That would be because I'm not coming with you guys."

 

"How is that fair at all?! I never agreed to this!"

 

"Unlike you, I'm not pining after someone so hard that I haven't dated anyone for over two years," Dongho's tone is so triumphant that Seongwoo almost risks Minki's wrath for screwing up his make up to reach out and smack him, "Besides, I promised to meet up with my mentee and his friend tonight. Gonna show them around so they don't get eaten alive when they go out by themselves later."

 

"You should just bring them with us," Minki says without turning his head away from Seongwoo, "Have you met them, Seongwoo? They're adorable, and they're pretty much _both_ Dongho's mentees at this point. They follow him around like two baby chicks trailing their mother."

 

"No I haven't, I didn't even know you were mentoring this term, Dongho."

 

The man in question throws his arms up in a lazy stretch, tilting his neck from side to side until it gave a satisfying crack. "It's a new development, a last minute thing. Guanlin is foreign and his application got delayed. His friend was a late enrollment as well, so they didn't have anyone to assign to them by the time all the paperwork got sorted out so they called me and some other guy in. Somehow I kind of did end up with both of them, but they're good kids so I don't mind."

 

"Which," he interjects smoothly to cut Minki off, "is exactly why I'm not bringing them when you're still on your little rampage. I can't trust you not to sacrifice my baby chicks for your cause."

 

Minki turns his most devastating pout towards Dongho but is easily brushed off, much to his irritation. "I grew up with you, Minki-ah, you're going to have to do better than that."

 

The three-toned chime of their apartment door sounds, followed by the whir of the mechanical lock opening, interrupting any argument that may have escalated.

 

"Look, your newest sacrifices of the night. Or willing victims," Dongho teases, "At least you'll have company Seongwoo."

 

" _Hyung_!" Hyunbin falls into the apartment, tripping over the shoes in the welcome area, long arms wind milling to keep his balance.

 

The three of them stop to watch as he barely avoids landing face first and kicks off his shoes, bounding over while Minhyun walks through the doorway at a much more sedate pace. Hyunbin stops just before he collides with Seongwoo, helped by Minki who reaches out to halt his momentum lest he ruin the work he had put into Seongwoo’s face.

 

“Ya, Hyunbinie, stop bouncing everywhere. Minghyun-ah, how much sugar did you feed this kid?”

 

Minhyun snickered, draping his jacket across the back of one of the chairs as he walked through the dining area to join them. “Not that much, he’s just excited about tonight, aren’t you?”

 

“Yes!” Hyunbin grabbed Seongwoo’s shoulders, pouting, “You’re finally coming out with us, _hyung_ , you’ve been so busy, it’s been ages.”

 

“Hyunbinie, stop,” Seongwoo tried to pry the younger man’s large hands off him so he wouldn’t be jolted from side to side as Hyunbin practically vibrates in place, “God, where is all this energy coming from, you’re making me feel old. Minhyun-ah, this is definitely more than “not that much” sugar, you liar.”

 

“Hyunbinie-ah,” Minki steps in between them, “Let me finish his eyeliner first, or we’re never going to be ready. He’s been sitting here like a great big useless lump. You’d think we’re asking him to sacrifice his soul, not spend a night out with friends.”

 

On cue, Minhyun loops an arm around Hyunbin’s chest easily, pulling him back to rest against the chest of the much calmer boy. As always, Hyunbin goes easily where Minhyun directs him, leaning against him complacently while still blinking large mournful eyes at Seongwoo.

 

“You don’t want to come hang out with us, _hyung_?”

 

Seongwoo groans, finally admitting defeat as Minhyung and Minki exchange a victorious smirk. “Ah, stop looking at me like that Hyunbinie, I’m coming, I’m coming. Next time just tell me so I’m prepared, Minhyun’s sense is style is, _eh_.”

 

“And what, pray tell, is wrong with my sense of style?”

 

“Your normal clothes are fine, but the ones you wear to go out…..you dress so greasily,” Seongwoo pulls an exaggerated face while glancing down at the blue pearl-sheen dress shirt Minki had decided on.

 

“Ya, you take that back, you punk! Take it off if you don’t like it then,” Minhyun surges forward, grappling with a laughing Seongwoo while Minki screeches at the both of them, whacking Minhyun with the eyeliner brush.

 

“Don’t you dare! It took me forever to get him in that, you’re not ruining it now!”

 

“Why are you so insistent today anyways, Minki-ah?” Seongwoo stops to glance at the blond suspiciously, “Where are we even going?”

 

“Oh,” he responds airily, smiling so innocently Seongwoo’s hairs started to stand on end – nothing quite spelled trouble like when Minki was trying extra-hard to look innocent and guileless, “Just going to our usual bar. Meeting a few friends.”

 

“Minki,” Seongwoo frowns in warning.

 

“Oh, stop it,” Minki points a finger straight at Seongwoo who goes cross-eyed trying to focus on it, “You keep saying that you have no future with Daniel. So fine! Be that way, but get out there and live a little. Meet someone nice. _Enjoy_ yourself. The world does not end and begin with Kang Daniel!”

 

Minki suddenly deflates a little, wind knocked from his sails by the vulnerable look his words has painted over Seongwoo’s features. Leaning closer, he clasps Seongwoo’s wrists in his hands earnestly, “Just give yourself a chance, okay? Maybe you’ll meet someone nice and finally move on. Or maybe it’ll just be a new friend. Just a chance. Please. We’re all tired of seeing you hurt like this all the time.”

 

Seongwoo stares at Minki, and then slowly looks around the room to see Hyunbin and Minhyun nodding along to the blonde’s appeal. Dongho raises an eyebrow as if questioning why Seongwoo even needs to ask whether they really feel this way. He closed his eyes, mind drifting to Daniel who has held his heart for so long without even knowing it.

 

If he was honest with himself, he is more than a little tired of feeling so worn down all the time. Daniel makes him fall deeper with every smile, every touch, every innocent request to sleep in Seongwoo’s bed for the night.

 

He’s broken Seongwoo’s heart so many times, effortlessly rearranging the pieces to suit his liking, and then breaking it apart all over again with words he might not even recall speaking.

 

At the end of it all, Seongwoo is tired of his heart aching all the time and having to smile through it like it was alright. Tired of unraveling from a smile or coming undone from the absent brush of fingers.

 

Lifting his gaze to meet that of his worried friends, he offers them a tremulous smile.

 

“Okay. Okay.”

 

Their answering smiles are brighter than sunlight, warming his weary heart, "That's all we ask."

 

 

* * *

 

 

Daniel dropped himself heavily into the empty chair in Jisung’s office with a sigh that threatens to shake the ceiling and bring it down around their ears.

 

“You break that chair, and you’re buying me a new one. An ergonomic chair. With all the add-ons,” Jisung declares without looking up from the papers he was marking, marking down his critique in a practiced scrawl that only his lab mates had enough practice at reading to make out accurately.

 

Jinwoo looks up from where he had taken over the couch two hours earlier, camped out with a microbiology textbook and throwing the occasional question over to Jisung, “What’s up with that heavy sigh now?”

 

“Seongwoo _hyung_ has been acting kind of weird,” Daniel announced, spinning himself in aimless circles, arms handing off the armrests uselessly.

 

“And what exactly do you mean by ‘weird’, Daniel?”

 

“He’s been kind of distant? I don’t know; he’s still around most of the time unless it’s for a job, but it’s just been a little different. I told him about this really cute exchange student in my class, Justin, and he just nodded and walked away. Okay, like, he asked about him, but it felt like his mind was on something else.”

 

Jisung and Jinwoo just looked at each other silently, “Anything else?”

 

“He doesn’t really hug me as much anymore. And yesterday he told me I couldn’t sleep with him because I move around too much at night and he needed the sleep.”

 

“You know,” Jinwoo pointed out, “Not wanting you around to kick him while you’re sleeping is a perfectly valid reason. I don’t see why that’s weird.”

 

“But he’s never minded before!”

 

“Maybe he had a test the next day. Or a photo shoot to do and he couldn’t show up looking like a bruised peach,” Jisung throws his hands up in exasperation, “You know most people don’t sleep in the same bed as their friends anyways.”

 

“But we do!” Daniel insists.

 

“Does he ever ask to sleep in the same bed as you?” demands Jisung.

 

“Well, no, but he never says no when I ask.”

 

“That’s because he’s too nice and you take advantage of him,” the older male kept going, working himself up into lecturing-mode, “Have you ever thought that maybe you’re taking too many liberties? How is he supposed to explain to his boyfriend if he asks why you’re in Seongwoo's bed?”

 

Daniel sits up so fast the chair he was on flipped over, dumping him on his butt, but he doesn’t seem to notice it at all. “Seongwoo’s _dating_? Since when? Who is this? Why didn’t I hear about this before?”

 

Jisung turns his head, staring down his nose at him judgmentally, “Ya, Kang Daniel, does he need your permission to have coffee with someone?”

 

Daniel glowers back mutinously, mind racing. Seongwoo was dating someone. Someone that Daniel didn’t know of.

 

Seongwoo was keeping secrets.

 

A lump forms at the base of his throat, pressing down, down, down towards his chest, crushing his larynx and robbing him of speech. It feels like someone has punched him, like a truck had run him over and then continued on its way while he lay stunned on the road. Seongwoo was dating; why does it feel like Daniel’s world was being tilted on its axis?

 

“Daniel-ah,” Jinwoo cuts in softly before they end up at each other’s throats, “Why are you reacting so badly? Isn’t this a good thing? I don’t think Seongwoo has dated anyone even casually for the two, three years I’ve known him. Why are you so upset?”

 

Daniel remains silent, wordless, flabbergasted; his world is shifting under his feet.

 

Jisung looks at him with something akin to pity, but perhaps closer to disappointment.

 

“Daniel-ah. Listen to me; I’m only going to say this once. Seongwoo has been nothing but supportive of each and every one of your relationships. He has been there to pick you up again every time anything went wrong, and he spoils you beyond reason for reasons I can’t even begin to comprehend. You know this. Don’t you think it’s time you tried to do the same for him?”

 

Daniel’s face stays sullen, lips twisting in distaste. He is lost to them, lost in the traitorous voids of his mind, in his darkest, unspoken secrets. He does not hear Jisung's warnings, he has made himself deaf to anything but the furious pounding of his heart, to the sound of blood and anger rushing past his ears.

 

“Who is it?” he finally asks, voice a low growl.

 

Jisung watches him almost clinically, pulling apart the micro-expressions that Daniel isn’t even aware is playing across his face. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to tell you this right now.”

 

“ _Hyung_ ,” Daniel’s voice is hard, almost animalistic, “Who is it.”

 

Taewoong strolls in with his hands tucked into his pockets as if he was meant to be here and Jinwoo hadn’t sent an emergency text to him five minutes ago. “Ahn Hyungseob. Freshman,” he announces nonchalantly, ignoring the betrayed look Jisung shoots him and the hiss to be quiet, “He’s been pining after Seongwoo for weeks now, it’s cute. Who knows? Maybe Seongwoo will start dating him for real. It’s their second coffee date today, right?”

 

Daniel gets up wordlessly and storms out of the office, door banging shut behind him with a force that led the surrounding offices to poke their heads out in concern.

 

“ **What** ,” Jisung demands, whirling on Taewoong furiously, “ **was that?!** ”

 

Taewoong looks him boldly in the eyes, “I am tired of Daniel doing this. I am tired of seeing that look on Seongwoo’s face, like he’s never going to be good enough, that look that says he believes this is all he deserves. Maybe I think he needs to stop taking Seongwoo for granted.”

 

“But not like this! You are setting a ticking time-bomb off and it’s going to explode in everyone’s faces!”

 

“It’s been a long time coming, _hyung_ ,” Taewoong retorts, refusing to back down, “I’ve talked to Jonghyun and Minki about it. None of them think that what they have is healthy and Minki was the one to introduce Hyungseob to Seongwoo. That boy looks at Seongwoo like he personally hung the moon and the stars in the sky. It’ll good for Seongwoo, and Daniel is just going to have to deal with it.”

 

Jisung just glares, pointing at the door, “Get out there and fix it! Right now!”

 

“No.”

 

“Fine,” Jisung bit out, abandoning the stack of papers on his desk to grab his jacket, shrugging it on hastily, “If you’re not going to, then I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What just happened? I ended up writing this like I was possessed, the obsession is real.
> 
> Just want to take a moment and thank everyone who has been following this! All the kudos and kind comments give me so much strength and motivation to finish this. I absolutely love hearing from each and every one of you, it really means a lot.
> 
> See you all next chapter! ^_^


	7. A/N: Not an update, please read

 

 

Hi Everyone,

 

When I first started this story, it was with the intention of it being a quick, mainly "fluff" filled piece; a one-shot rom-com, if you will. (It was tagged with that in mind, but I also suck at tagging so maybe don't look there for direction)

 

As you can all probably tell, it has since spiraled out of control and I have been rather conflicted in regards to where I want to go with this story.

 

After thinking long and hard about this (some of which has been hinted at in my responses to some of your comments), and I have finally decided that I will be taking it down a more serious/mature route.

 

I apologize if this disappoints anyone, but it is something that I feel strongly about. If you no longer wish to follow this story, I completely understand. The rating and tags for this story will be updated soon to reflect this change.

 

 **If anyone is uncomfortable with this turn of events, I do advise you to stop reading after Chapter 6.** I don't mean to be dramatic, just, I figured a fair warning is better than springing it on you guys.

 

That being said, if you're here for the fluff and happy(er) feels, I will be posting an "alternate ending" under _Things Left Unsaid_ that will pick up where Chapter 6 left off, please do keep an eye out for that if you're interested! The lighter side-stories will be posted there as well.

 

So that's enough of me rambling! Thanks for sticking around, and I apologize if I scared anyone in an "Oh God, is this being discontinued?" sort of way (｡≧ _ ≦｡)""

 

Thank you again for everyone who has left support and kind comments along the way, it really, really ~~completely, totally, absolutely~~ means a lot and I have honestly been taken-aback by the amount of positive feedback this story has gotten so far. You guys have made writing this twice as fun  <3

 

 

With Hope,

TR

 


	8. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bad decisions are made and nobody is perfect.

Daniel makes it as far as the front foyer of the building before he stops and chucks his beanie at the ground in frustration. A few students passing by shoot him wary looks, detouring in a wide circle around him as he stews. Daniel doesn’t have the time to apologize; he’s fighting an impossible battle that he’s certain to lose already. He lives in a goddamn university town! There were coffee shops on every block, how on earth is he going to find Seongwoo?

 

He pulls out his phone, fumbling it for a moment as it catches at the corner of his pocket, pacing as he dials Seongwoo’s number. The digits are as good as etched into his heart and his fingers finish dialing in an instant from sheer muscle memory. He holds it to his ear, he feels crazed and he knows he’s probably terrifying some of the students around him but he doesn’t care. He paces to the rhythm of the dial tone, running his free hand through his hair in agitation as the phone rings and rings before dropping off to voicemail.

 

“Dammit!”

 

Daniel lets out an explosive breath, bending down to retrieving his beanie as he dials again, making for the doors when he sees the security guard starting to side-eye him.

 

“Pick up the phone Seongwoo, come on, pick up your phone.”

 

_Hi, you’ve reach the voicemail of Ong Seongwoo, I can’t take your call right now, but leave a message and I’ll get back to you._

 

“Pick up your goddamn phone!”

 

Some part of Daniel knows he will be mortified that he left such a message on Seongwoo’s cell when he calms down, but then he hears Jisung calling his name from the elevators and he forgets it all. He makes a mad dash through the doors, knowing that Jisung would do everything in his power to stop him if he catches up. But he can’t stop, won’t stop, every cell within his body is screaming that he needs to find Seongwoo and that he needs to do it now.

 

Barreling down the street, he spots the first bus heading the direction he needs and sprints towards the stop. He barely makes it onto the bus, squeezing pass closing doors with a mumbled apology to the driver and the girl he jostled in front of him. Flashing his bus pass, Daniel pushes his way up to the windows, eyes darting around wildly as he tries to scan every coffee shop they pass for a trace of Seongwoo’s figure.

 

None of them match.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When his stop comes up, Daniel quickly shoulders his way through the afternoon crowd, letting his feet lead him down the familiar street. He’s only visited a few times, but he has more than a few friends who live in the same building. Schooling his features so he doesn’t look crazed, he gets in with a nod to the security guard and then he’s at the elevators, jamming his finger against the button repeatedly.

 

Seconds tick by but drag on like eternities. With a huff, Daniel turns and pushes open the door to the stairwell, bounding up the steps fueled by a mad rush of determination and adrenaline.

 

Second floor.

 

Third floor.

 

Fourth floor.

 

Fifth floor.

 

Sixth floor, out of the stairwell, and then a sharp right turn. Down to the end of the corridor and the second last unit on the left. Daniel presses on the doorbell but before he knows it, he’s pounding on the door like a madman.

 

A moment later the door swings open and Jonghyun is there, staring at his sweating and disheveled form with a worried frown, “Daniel, is everything okay?”

 

“Where is he?!”

 

“Where is who? Hey!”

 

Daniel pushes past Jonghyun, barreling into the apartment where a surprised Minki and Minhyun are seated on the couch, the show they were watching put on pause when Jonghyun went to open the door.

 

“What-”

 

Daniel strides over until he’s looming over Minhyun and Minki, blocking the television from view. “Where is he?”

 

Minki’s expression flits from confused and surprised to anger before carefully blanking out, his features hard. “I’m not sure what you mean.”

 

Minhyun chooses to stay silent, staring at Daniel’s heaving figure with a disapproving look.

 

“Where is Seongwoo? You set him up with that, that  _thing_. Where is he?”

 

Minki’s lip curls in distaste, “I don’t know who you think you are, barging into our home and speaking about our friends like that.”

 

Daniel continues on as if he doesn’t hear Minki, turning to Minhyun instead. “Where is Seongwoo?”

 

Not one to back down, Minki stands up, shifting until he’s face to face with Daniel with a glare fierce enough to send a lesser man running for the door. Behind him, Minhyun shifts a little uneasily, knowing how stubborn and confrontational Minki can get. What worries him though, is the wild look in Daniel’s eyes; the younger boy looks almost feral and Minhyun is almost positive he barely even knows what he is doing at this point.

 

 _Scratch that,_  Minhyun winces as Daniel grabs Minki by the lapels of his shirt and starts to shake him in his desperation,  _he is definitely out of his mind right now._

 

Jonghyun is quick to intervene, striding over and pulling Daniel off Minki with a disapproving stare. He pushes Minki behind himself, although it is unclear whether this was to protect the slighter blonde or to stop him from jumping down Daniel’s throat and murdering him for daring to manhandle him.

 

In an unexpectedly aggressive motion given his usual peaceful demeanor, Jonghyun grabs Daniel by the scruff of his neck, one hand clamping down around his jaw and forcing the younger man to look him dead in the eyes. “Kang Daniel, you either calm down and pull yourself together or get out of my house. Do you understand?”

 

Daniel remains tense underneath Jonghyun’s hands but stays silent and makes no further move to lash out. Jonghyun doesn’t let go, though his tone softens just a touch. “Now, what is all this about?”

 

When all Daniel does is mumble, Jonghyun gives him a stern shake, “Try that again, Daniel-ah.”

 

“I don’t know where Seongwoo is,” Daniel answers through clenched teeth, “Taewoong said he’s dating someone Minki  _hyung_  set him up with.”

 

“Oh, so  _now_  I’m Minki  _hyung-_ ”

 

“Minki, not now,” Jonghyun’s tone is warning even though he keeps his eyes on Daniel who immediately bristles at Minki’s words.

 

“Can I trust you to stay calm? Yes or no, Daniel, I want you to answer me.”

 

All eyes are on Daniel who is struggling with himself, leaving a long stretch of silence that has Minki shifting impatiently, eventually reaching out to link arms with Minhyun to ground himself. But Jonghyun? Jonghyun has the patience of the ocean and to protect his precious people he would out wait mountains; what chance did Daniel have?

 

“Yes.”

 

“Good,” Jonghyun slowly releases Daniel from the vice grip he had on him, “Now sit down and we’re going to discuss this like civilized people.”

 

If Jonghyun purposely maneuvers himself and Minhyun between Minki and Daniel, well, no one can blame him, although he sorely wishes that Dongho and Aron was home. Daniel sits, unable to keep still; he’s tapping his foot hard enough to shake the couch, eyes darting between the three of them playing judge and jury and executioner. Minki is still holding himself tensely, he wears offense around himself as easily as one of his many designer jackets and both his roommates can already tell he is not going to let Daniel off easily.

 

Minhyun and Jonghyun exchange wary glances before Jonghyun shifts forward to catch Daniel’s attention, Minhyun discreetly sending a simple  _Come get Daniel_  text off to Jisung while Daniel is distracted.

 

“Now Daniel, is there a reason why finding Seongwoo is so important that you tore into our apartment?”

 

“He’s not picking up his phone,” is the clipped response they get.

 

“That,” Minki cuts in, “would be because he’s on a  _date_. That’s just manners, but clearly you wouldn’t know that.”

 

“ _Minki_ ,” Jonghyun’s frustration leaks through and Minki falls silent with a huff, crossing his arms and settling for shooting Daniel dirty looks instead, looking for all the world like a cat whose tail has been stepped on.

 

Turning back to Daniel, Jonghyun tries to keep his voice calm, “Daniel, was there something important that you needed Seongwoo for?”

 

“……No,” admitting it leaves a sour taste in Daniel’s mouth and he grimaces, “But he didn’t tell me. About the date. And he always picks up his phone.”

 

“He’s not picking up because he’s busy, Daniel-ah, be reasonable here. There’s really no reason for you to go tearing through town to find Seongwoo. We promise he’s not in any danger; his date is a very charming young man, not someone who’s going to take advantage. We would never have introduced him so someone who wasn’t going to treat him right.”

 

If anything, Jonghyun’s explanation seems to make things worse. Daniel clenches his jaw and turns away, expression flitting between sullen and furious. That seems to be the last straw for Minki who opens his mouth to speak despite Minhyun who reaches over to touch his wrist softly and shaking his head.

 

“Will you grow up and stop acting like a three year-old who had their favourite toy stolen? God, I don’t know what the hell Seongwoo sees in you. So you can date and screw around all the time, but he’s not entitled to any happiness?”

 

“I don't – this has nothing to do with you.”

 

“Nothing to do with me?” Minki’s voice grows incredulous and shrill, “Nothing to do with me, except you stormed into  _my_  house and started screaming at us. You are not Seongwoo’s only friend and I’m sick of you acting entitled to him.”

 

Incensed, Daniel shoots to his feet, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, I do not treat Seongwoo like that.”

 

“No? So you aren’t throwing the mother of all tantrums because he didn’t pick up his phone? Because he didn’t tell you one thing?”

 

They’re in each other’s faces now, screaming and gesturing wildly, fighting against Jonghyun and Minhyu who are trying to keep them apart and failing.

 

“He lied to me!”

 

“Seongwoo doesn’t  _have_  to tell you anything! What right do you have to demand things of him?”

 

“I’m his best friend!”

 

“So what? He needs to ask permission or something? With a best friend like you, he sure as hell doesn’t need enemies.”

 

“Shut up, you don’t know anything about us!”

 

Minki scoffs, sneering at Daniel derisively, “Oh come off your high horse. You’re just clinging to him because we all know you’re going to pick up the first piece of ass you’re attracted to and you need him there to console you when you get dumped again in two weeks. Seongwoo's better off ditching you and finding someone less pathetic.”

 

When the three-toned chime to the apartment door sounds, no one notices, eyes riveted to the fight unfolding before them.

 

“Oh, fuck you!”

 

Jisung and Seongwoo walk in just as Daniel breaks free of Jonghyun’s grip and punches Minki in the face.

 

“Daniel!”

 

Everyone is frozen in shock; even Minki who has been goading Daniel can’t seem to believe the younger man has actually resorted to physical violence. Daniel himself is unmoving, arm still outstretched comically, mind racing before it finally sinks in exactly what it is that he’s done.

 

“Kang Daniel.”

 

And exactly who is here to see.

 

Turning slowly towards the door, he sees Seongwoo staring at him, eyes completely devoid of warmth and lips set in a hard line.

 

“ _Hyung_ ,” he says weakly.

 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

 

Daniel flinches and it’s a full-body thing; he can feel the shame welling up from the depths of his soul, dread spilling out from his pores. “ _Hyung,_ ” he tries again, trailing off under the intensity of Seongwoo’s stare.

 

“Apologize. Right now.”

 

Daniel automatically bows, body bending beyond ninety degrees at Seongwoo’s command, “I apologize Minki  _hyung_ , I was out of line.”

 

Seongwoo rushes past Daniel’s bent form, not sparing him another glance as he hurries to Minki’s side; Daniel doesn’t dare to look up.

 

Joining Minhyun and Jonghyun with a terse nod, Seongwoo reaches out to gingerly run his fingers over Minki’s rapidly swelling cheek, hissing softly in sympathy. “Minki-ah, are you okay? Do you need some ice?”

 

The blonde nods, still dazed, and Seongwoo runs for the kitchen, returning with an ice pack. Jonghyun had gone to grab a towel at the same time and they wrap the ice pack before carefully pressing it to Minki’s cheek.

 

“Does it hurt a lot, Minki?”

 

“Not a lot,” he answers slowly, “Just…a little.”

 

A shadow looms over Daniel who is still bowed and he looks up to see Jisung staring at him with an unreadable expression on his face. He straightens when Jisung nudges him but keeps his head ducked, murmuring an apology that goes unacknowledged. He trudges over towards the couch where Minki is sitting, bowing again, “I’m really sorry Minki  _hyung_ , I shouldn’t have done that no matter what. I hope you can forgive me, I promise it won't happen again.”

 

Minki sniffs and looks away until Jonghyun prods him gently, gesturing with his head towards Seongwoo’s darkened features as he glares at Daniel. With a sigh, Minki mutters out an acceptance of the apology, although every line of his body makes it clear that forgiveness is the last thing he wants to offer Daniel right now.

 

“Does someone want to tell me what is going on?”

 

Seongwoo’s question is met with an apprehensive silence as everyone exchanges uneasy looks, glancing between Seongwoo and Daniel uncertainly.

 

“Daniel? What about you?” Seongwoo’s voice is deceptively light, “You left me a voicemail asking me to  _‘Pick up my goddamn phone’_ , then Jisung tells me you’ve stormed into Jonghyun’s shared apartment and we rush over, only to find that you’ve decided to punch Minki in the face. What do you have to say for yourself?”

 

“I-” Daniel breaks off quickly.

 

The weight of Seongwoo’s disapproval and disappointment is choking him. In the rare times that Daniel had been on the receiving end of Seongwoo’s disappointed stare, it had never failed to make him feel like the scum of the earth and today was no exception. Every justification has fled his mind, leaving Daniel with a tongue that weighs fifty pounds and enough regret to fill a prison block.

 

“Nothing?”

 

 _Nothing_. Daniel’s words are ashes in his mouth, reason burnt to cinders by the flames of his rage and leaving behind only a gritty, choking regret. He stares at Minki’s swollen cheek and wonders if he really did that, if it’s possible to turn back time and try this again.

 

He hangs his head in shame and Seongwoo lets out an explosive sigh.

 

"Go home."

 

Daniel's head snaps up but now it is Seongwoo who refuses to look at him. "What?" he croaks.

 

"Just go home, I just – God, I can't even look at you right now."

 

" _Hyung_ ……"

 

"Just go."

 

Daniel glances around the room, flinching as he is met with unsympathetic faces all around. When he makes eye contact with Minki, the blonde shifts just a little to slot himself behind Seongwoo who immediately wraps a comforting arm around him.

 

**"Go."**

 

He goes. Seongwoo still doesn't look at him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The sound of the door closing behind Daniel’s retreating form seems to break whatever spell was on the room. Minki slumps against Jonghyun dramatically from where he’s sandwiched between Seongwoo and his roommates, “Did that actually just happen?”

 

“Unfortunately,” Jisung sits down heavily with a groan, burying his face in his hands, “I am so sorry guys. I should have stopped him, and I am going to _murder_ Taewoong when I get home, I swear to God.”

 

“Hey,” Minhyun sits up with a frown, laying a supporting hand on Jisung’s shoulder, “Don’t blame yourself for something he did. It’s not your fault, but I do want to know what Taewoong is being murdered for.”

 

Seongwoo links his arm through Minki’s, leaning against him so the two of the rest like dominos on Jonghyun, “Is anyone ready to tell me what’s going on now?”

 

“Urgh, okay,” Jisung sighs, “I guess I should start. Basically Daniel was in my office complaining about you being a bit distant? And Jinwoo and I were trying to talk to him and accidentally let it slip that you were on a coffee date…and Daniel did _not_ react well. He started demanding who you were seeing and neither of us wanted to say anything with him flipping out, but then freaking Taewoong comes in and just spills the beans and I swear to God he is going to die for this because _I told him telling Daniel was a terrible idea._ And now look what happened! I thought he was going to track you down and then beat the shit out of your date or something, but holy crap I can’t believe he punched Minki instead, what the hell!”

 

By the end of his speech, Jisung is rambling and so clearly agitated that Minhyun gets up to sit beside him, throwing an arm around him, making gentle shushing sounds until the older male flops backwards dramatically, crushing Minhyun’s arm against the back of the couch.

 

“Okay, so what happened when he got here? Why did he even come here if he was trying to find me?”

 

When no one speaks, Seongwoo slumps sideways further until he is sprawled across Minki and Jonghyun, head in Jonghyun’s lap. He stares up at his friend pleadingly, “Jonghyun-ah, what happened?”

 

“Ah, don’t look at me like that!” Jonghyun complains, blocking Seongwoo’s face with a hand, “I think he just figured if anyone set you up on a date, it would be us? He barged in after banging on our door and started demanding where you were and freaking out about how you weren’t answering your phone. We had managed to calm him down at one point, but then he started arguing with Minki and, ah, well, _that_ happened.”

 

“I’m not apologizing for what I said,” Minki announces imperiously, “That little shit had it coming, I don’t care if you like him Seongwoo, he’s a right terror. He doesn’t even see you as a man but he has the gall to storm in here like he has the right to stop you from seeing anyone else.”

 

Seongwoo sits up, slowly wrapping himself around Minki and burying his face into the blonde’s neck, “I’m so sorry he punched you because of me, Minki-ah, does it still hurt?”

 

Minki draws back from Seongwoo sharply, dropping the ice pack in his haste, “Don’t you dare apologize for him, Ong Seongwoo. If you have to apologize, you apologize for your poor taste in men. Next time, I’m going to punch him right back.”

 

“Woah, woah, woah, okay,” Jonghyun rushes to interject, “There is not going to be a next time. No one is punching anyone.”

 

Minki turns, jostling Seongwoo who is still hanging off his shoulders, looking fit to spit nails, “I will punch him if he deserves it and don’t you dare get in my way.”

 

“If you had stopped talking,” Minhyun reminds him, “It wouldn’t have come to this.”

 

“I already said I’m not apologizing for saying what needed to be said.”

 

“I am positive you did not need to tell him that he only keeps Seongwoo around because he keeps getting his ass dumped and that Seongwoo should ditch him.”

 

Seongwoo’s arms drops from where why are resting on Minki in shock, “Minki-ah, you said _what_.”

 

“ **Not. Apologizing**.”

 

“Oh my God.”

 

“It needed to be said,” Minki insisted, “Now, how was your date with Hyeongseob? I better have been punched for a love that was worth it.”

 

“It was our second coffee date,” Seongwoo deadpans, “Are we really going to ignore what just happened?”

 

“Yes,” Minki waves his hand as if the motion alone disperses all the tension hanging in the air, “Your lover boy is insane and you need to leave him or at least let me hit him the next time he flips out. We’re moving on now. How did it go?”

 

“Urgh, it was…good? He’s sweet, we got along well, and he seemed understanding when Jisung ran in and almost dragged me out of the coffee shop.”

 

“Aaaaannnnnddddd?” Minki wheedles.

 

Seongwoo rolls his eyes, poking Minki on his forming bruise.

 

“Hey!”

 

“If you’re this nosy, clearly it doesn’t hurt that much,” Seongwoo snaps back, “We’re going out for dinner next week, happy?”

 

“Yes!” Minki throws his arms up, narrowly missing Jonghyu’s eye, “I told you there were plenty of fish out there in the sea!”

 

He turns to grab Seongwoo by the shoulders, leaning in so close that their noses press together while Seongwoo tries to pull away from the fanatic gleam in Minki’s eyes, “You are going to date the shit out of him, and forget about Daniel, do you hear me? And if it doesn’t work out with Hyeongseob, we will find you someone else!”

 

“Ya, let go of me you crazy person,” Seongwoo squirms, placing a hand on Minki’s chest to push him away.

 

The two of them tussle around and things almost seem like they’ve gone back to normal when Jisung awkwardly gets up to excuse himself, saying that he needs to get back to marking and let Jinwoo know what had happened. They wave to him as he exits the apartment, Jonghyun being the one who bothers to get up and see him off properly.

 

When Jonghyun returns to the couch, Minki and Seongwoo have fallen apart and decided instead to pull Minhyun into their pile of limbs, sprawling on top of him. Jonghyun raises an eyebrow and then shrugs, laying himself on top of the three who have taken up the entire couch.

 

“Ah! Jonghyun, move! Move! You’re sitting on my kidney,” Minki yelps, while the others laugh.

 

“And you’re not good for my heart,” he retorts, shifting just enough that Minki sighs in relief, “Don’t do that again, okay? You need to learn to hold your tongue sometimes.”

 

“….I should have told Daniel about Hyeongseop,” Seongwoo muses, “Maybe then he wouldn’t have reacted as badly. I just didn’t want to make a big deal out of it in case it didn’t work out.”

 

“Seongwoo-ah,” Minhyun calls from somewhere underneath him, “you shouldn’t have to take responsibility for his mistakes. That was hardly a reasonable response either.”

 

“Exactly! Stop making excuses for him; it was just a coffee date, you would have introduced them if you actually started dating.”

 

“Minki-ah, make up your mind, either Hyeongseop is the love of my life, or he’s only worth two cups of coffee.”

 

“He can be both,” Minki declares stubbornly, “Two cups of coffee that turns into an epic romance. I bet there’s even a drama about that somewhere.”

 

“Either way,” Jonghyun interrupts, “You’re not allowed to feel guilty about any of this. None of this was your fault.”

 

“Precisely,” Minhyun chimes in, voice muffled, “Three against one, Seongwoo is officially not allowed to blame himself. Now can you guys move? I mean this is kind of comfortable in an _‘I’m slowly being crushed with love’_ way, but it’s actually getting a little hard to breath.”

 

“Just a bit longer?” Seongwoo asks quietly.

 

“Fine,” Minhyun grumbles, “the things I do for you.”

 

“You can always stay the night,” Jonghyun offers, “You know our door is always open to you.”

 

“Thank you, but I should probably talk about this with Daniel sooner rather than later. You know how he gets when he stews.”

 

“If by ‘how he gets’ you mean ‘impulsive and possibly violent',” quips Minki, “then yes, yes we do know. God, I still can't believe that crazy asshole punched me over that. Why are you in love with him again?”

 

“He’s not usually like this,” Seongwoo protests weakly, “He’s not a violent person.”

 

“No, but he is passionate and impulsive. Seongwoo-ah, the way he reacted……that’s not normal,” Minhyun advises.

 

“Yeah,” Seongwoo breathes, “I know."

 

His mind is racing through all the possibilities even as his body is anchored here by the three of them. In a moment he'll have to get up and leave the comfort and safety of his friends' arms. In a moment, he'll have to go home and confront his fool of a best friend. Seongwoo turns until his face is buried in the nape of Jonghyun's neck, breathing in the scent of his friend's shampoo. Minki's arm around his waist is a warm weight and Minhyun is solid beneath him, real in a way all the _what ifs_ plaguing him are not. He doesn't want to leave.

 

"As long as you need," Jonghyun answers his unspoken plea, "take as long as you need."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't have a chance to respond to all your messages because this chapter was fighting to happen, but thank you all so much for the support <3
> 
> To clarify, this is still ongniel endgame and sorry again for scaring anyone! I hope you enjoyed this chapter (because I have no idea what just happened, haha)


	9. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some feelings are discussed, while others are decidedly not.

Seongwoo opens the door to their apartment, heart migrating halfway between his ribcage and his throat, and dread heavy in his stomach. It had been an exercise of self-control to leave the safety of his friend’s home and come back to his own. He had left while careful to keep a smile on his face, hoping to lessen the worried frown on Jonghyun’s face; his friend hadn’t looked like he was convinced for a second but had kept silent and let him go with a brief hug.  

 

The door swings open and an unlit room greets him, the weak strains of the setting sun barely allow him to make out the inside of the apartment. Daniel isn’t home then, and Seongwoo tries to ignore the guilt that he feels for the sigh of relief he cannot hold back. Taking his shoes off, he steps into his slippers, moving further into the apartment towards the windows to open the curtains. No sense in wasting electricity when their bills were already running on the higher end this month.

 

Reaching out to draw the curtains back, Seongwoo freezes at the sound of a muffled sob.

 

“Daniel?”

 

He receives no response but he stays silent, and sure enough, there it is again, the sound of someone crying.

 

“Daniel-ah, are you home?”

 

Seongwoo abandons the curtains, turning to follow the stifled sobs back to its source. The living room is empty and so he makes his way towards their bedrooms.

 

_Crunch._

 

Seongwoo pauses as his foot crushes something fragile, there are jagged edges pushing into the sole of his slipper and wetness seeping into his socks. He’s stepped onto a broken glass, water is still spilled in the hallway and Seongwoo lifts his foot gingerly, left hand groping alongside the wall for the light switch even as he feels his heart starting to race again.

 

Worry gnaws at the edge of his thoughts, between the crying, the shattered glass at his feet, and the fact that Daniel hasn’t answered him, Seongwoo is already expecting the worse.

 

With the light on, he carefully steps around the pieces of broken glass, hurrying to Daniel.

 

“Daniel-ah, are you okay? You’re scaring me,” he calls out again but receives no response.

 

The door to Daniel’s room is shut but his own is ajar; Seongwoo makes it to the doorway and feels his heart shatter like so much broken glass.

 

Daniel is curled into a ball of misery, clutching one of Seongwoo’s sweaters and crying into his pillow. All thoughts of being angry or upset at Daniel’s earlier behavior has fled his mind and Seongwoo sits down beside his distraught friend, reaching out to carefully brush his thumb over eyelids swollen from tears. Daniel stiffens at his touch before launching himself at Seongwoo, clinging to him even as his sobs shake both their frames.

 

“Shhh, shhhh, it’s okay, it’s okay, I’m here, I’m here now.”

 

Seongwoo’s soft comfort only serves to make Daniel cry harder, burying his face into the crook of Seongwoo’s neck and soaking his skin with tears.

 

It feels like an eternity of Seongwoo just holding Daniel, running soothing hands up and down his back and whispering reassurances into his ear. Slowly Daniel’s tears start to die off although he stays latched onto Seongwoo tightly, grip tightening every time Seongwoo so much as shifted.

 

“Daniel-ah,” Seongwoo tries again, “Are you hurt anywhere? Did you cut yourself on the glass?”

 

Daniel shakes his head, rubbing his tear-crusted eyes into Seongwoo’s neck, still refusing to pull away.

 

“Can you tell me what’s wrong?” Seongwoo pleads, stroking Daniel’s hair softly.

 

Daniel stays silent for a while longer before he mumbles something into Seongwoo’s collarbone; Seongwoo makes an aborted twitch, the sensation of Daniel’s lips brushing against the sensitive skin near his neck sending tingles down his spine.

 

 _Focus,_ he chides himself, _this is hardly the time to get distracted._

 

“I can’t hear you like that Daniel, can you say that again?”

 

“You’re mad at me. You don’t want to see me anymore.”

 

“Oh sweetheart,” Seongwoo breathes, turning to press a kiss to Daniel’s temple, “I didn’t mean it like that. You know I didn’t mean it like that.”

 

Daniel’s voice is small, tension still coursing through his frame, “I did something bad though. Minki _hyung_ is right, you deserve a better friend.”

 

“No, no, no,” now is it Seongwoo who pulls Daniel closer until the boy is a heavy weight in his lap that almost crushes his legs; he doesn’t care.

 

“You made a mistake, that’s all. You shouldn’t have punched Minki, and you need to apologize again and make up for it, but that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.”

 

Their new position seems to agree with Daniel who curls into Seongwoo completely, straddling his lap and tucking himself as close to the other boy as possible. Seongwoo strains his abdominal muscles a bit to sit up for a moment and reposition his pillow so it cushions his spine from the unforgiving edge of his headboard.

 

“Can we talk about why you hit Minki, Daniel? That wasn’t like you at all.”

 

Daniel snuffles into Seongwoo’s neck, arms stubbornly wrapped around his torso as he answers reluctantly. “I was scared. I couldn’t find you and you didn’t pick up your phone.”

 

“That doesn’t explain why you punched Minki though, Dani-ah.”

 

“He said you should leave me. That I not good enough for anyone. They’re trying to find you someone else so you’ll leave me. And you went.”

 

The last three words hang like an accusation in the air and Seongwoo sighs heavily, absentmindedly massaging the tense muscles in Daniel’s neck.

 

“Daniel-ah, even though Minki said that – and it isn’t true, okay? –you still shouldn’t have punched him. You need to stop and think more. Climbing a tree to save a kitten because you weren’t thinking is one thing, but punching someone is another. That can’t happen again.”

 

“I know,” the younger boy sounds miserably, “I wasn’t thinking, I just, I didn’t mean to actually punch him. I’m sorry, I’ll apologize and make it up to Minki _hyung_ , I promise.”

 

“Good,” Seongwoo struggles to keep his voice firm with how dejected Daniel sounds, “And I’m not leaving you. You’re my best friend, okay? Just because I’m dating someone doesn’t mean we’re going to stop being friends.”

 

“But if you find someone, something more important, you might leave.” _Like them._

 

The unspoken words are suspended around them, and the implications haunting Daniel weighs Seongwoo’s heart down until every unspoken syllable drags unforgivingly at his heartstrings. Like always, Seongwoo can feel the accompanying rage building in his stomach and he curses the people who raised Daniel even though he will always be grateful for them having brought this boy into the world.

 

Steeling himself, he pulls back from Daniel who resists but finally goes with a whine. Framing Daniel’s face with his hands, Seongwoo leans in until their foreheads press together, staring into Daniel’s eyes steadily.

 

“Never, ever, ever,” he intones, a promise enshrined in every word, “Not now, not tomorrow, not ever. I’ll always be your friend, you hear me? Even when we’re grey and old. You’re never getting rid of me.”

 

“Promise?”

 

“Always.”

 

“ _Hyung,_ are you dating him now?”

 

“Sort of?” Seongwoo flops backwards, feeling drained, “We’re having dinner next week.”

 

“….do you like him?”

 

“Ah, that’s still a bit early to say. But we get along, and he’s very sweet, so I’m going to see where this goes.”

 

“ _Hyung,_ ” Daniel shifts from where he’s still seated in Seongwoo’s lap, gaze serious, “Can you, can you tell me when you decide if you’re dating him?”

 

“Of course I will, but only if _you_ promise you’ll talk to me when there’s a problem instead of just reacting like you did today.”

 

“I promise,” Daniel hums.

 

“Are you just going to stay draped over me like this?” Seongwoo asks in amusement when minutes go by but Daniel makes no move to get up.

 

“I’m tired,” the other boy complains, snuggling closer stubbornly, “I don’t want to move.”

 

“Daniel-ah, one of us has to clean up the broken glass that’s still all over the floor in the hallway.”

 

“Oh, I forgot about that,” Daniel chuckles sheepishly, still not budging, “Ten minutes?”

 

“You mean you’re going to fall asleep and my legs are going to lose all feeling and then thirty minutes later, I’m going to end up cleaning the glass because you won’t wake up?”

 

“ _Hyung_ ,” he whines, “stop moving.”

 

“Spoiled brat,” Seongwoo teases.

 

“You love it,” Daniel mumbles sleepily, already starting to drop off to the comforting sound of Seongwoo’s steady heartbeat.

 

“Yeah,” Seongwoo admits aloud, with only a silent room to stand witness once Daniel’s breathing evens out, “Yeah, I do.”

 

 _Ong Seongwoo,_ he berates himself, _What are you even doing right now?_

 

 

* * *

 

 

Two weeks later, Seongwoo announces that he’s officially dating Hyeongseop. Daniel tries to smile and be supportive, ignoring the niggling feeling in his chest that might be anxiety or something else even less pleasant.

 

He smiles and shakes Hyeongseop’s hand the first time that they are introduced. The other boy is younger, cute with a bright refreshing image and eyes only for Seongwoo. He’s a little quiet and shy at first, but laughs freely when he warms up to the group.

 

Hyeongseop is an undecided major right now, but he wants to do something ‘that can help people’. He’s already been on two missions with Habitat for Humanity and plans on going again during his summer break this year. Seongwoo told them all this proudly while Hyeongseop laughed, embarrassed, hiding his face behind his hands and then against Seongwoo’s arm while all their friends cooed over how precious he was.

 

Daniel thinks he hates the other boy a little for being so goddamn _perfect_ , and resents him for being so nice that Daniel feels like he’s kicking a puppy every time he even considers being mean to him.

 

He holds his words back, unsure why he feels a growing unease even though Seongwoo keeps his promise to Daniel unfailingly.

 

They still have Wednesday night dinners, they still hang out, still watch dramas late into the night on days where neither of them have class early the next day. It’s just that these days, Seongwoo and Daniel has become interspersed with Seongwoo and Hyeongseop and not matter how hard Daniel tries, he can’t quite get used to walking in to the sight of Hyeongseob giggling and half in Seongwoo’s lap as they watch a movie on the couch.

 

In fact, when he had walked in today to see Hyeongseop in their apartment _again_ , he had quietly excused himself and went down to meet Woojin earlier at the café than their appointed time.

 

“Woojin-ah,” Daniel calls over the chatter in the café, gnawing absent-mindedly on the cap of his pen as he looks over the younger boy’s assignment, “Hypothetical question.”

 

“ _Hyung_?” Woojin looks up from where he has been fiddling with the buttons on his uniform jacket, waiting for Daniel to finish editing his essay.

 

“If your best friend started dating someone else, is it weird to be upset that they seem to be over all the time?”

  
“Someone else?” Woojin frowns, tilting his head in a cute puppyish way that makes Daniel want to coo and scritch him under his chin, “Was Seongwoo _hyung_ dating someone else before?”

 

“What, no, I meant, just if your best friend started dating somebody,” Daniel flounders for a moment, “And I said this was a hypothetical question, who said this was about Seongwoo _hyung_?”

 

Woojin rolls his eyes, turning his attention back to the melting whipped cream on his mocha. “I’m younger than you _hyung_ but I’m not blind," he points out dryly, "If you’re uncomfortable with Hyeongseop _hyung_ being over all the time, just tell Seongwoo _hyung_ ; I’m sure they’re not trying to make you feel awkward. Or maybe you just need to get to know him better, Hyeongseop _hyung_ is very nice.”

 

“A bit too nice,” Daniel grumbles, crossing out one of Woojin’s sentences with a more force than necessary.

 

“Did you say something _hyung_?”

 

“Nothing, here look at this sentence, you’re mixing up your verb tenses again. And over here, you want to emphasize your point, so word choice is important.”

 

Daniel forces himself to focus on going over Woojin’s assignment. He was probably just overthinking things, and maybe he’ll take Woojin’s suggestion and talk to Seongwoo.

 

Maybe.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Daniel doesn’t end up talking to Seongwoo about it.

 

Instead he talks to Jisung about it.

 

He talks to Jinwoo about it.

 

He talks to Jaehan about it too and by the time he goes to talk to Taewoong about it, his friend has already heard Daniel’s spiel so many times through the grapevine that he cuts Daniel off half way and recites it word for word with the most unimpressed look on his face.

 

Daniel pouts, crossing his arms with a huff while Jisung snickers in the background. “Well?” he demands, contemplating chucking a cushion at Jisung who still hasn’t stopped snickering but the older boy is already hogging all the cushions.

 

“You sound like a jealous girlfriend,” Taewoong deadpans.

 

Daniel sputters in shock while Jisung straight up cackles from behind him. “I am not jealous,” he hisses, glaring fiercely at his friends.

 

“You don’t like how Seongwoo’s boyfriend is over all the time because it feels like he’s cutting into your time with him. You also don’t like the fact that everyone else likes Seongwoo’s new boyfriend. Heck, you don’t like Hyeongseop because he’s _too nice_.” Taewoong lists off, “Daniel-ah, if you have a nice, rational explanation for how this all makes sense _other_ than jealousy, I’m all ears.”

 

“If I had an answer, I wouldn’t have to ask you guys!” he gripes instead, huffing until his cheeks puffed up comically, “I’m not jealous. But isn’t he just _too_ perfect? I mean, it’s weird! He spends his free time volunteering at soup kitchens, he’s never upset or mad at anything, he’s always helpful even to complete strangers who are rude. It’s just _weird_.”

 

“No,” Jisung pipes up, “That's just Hyeongseop being an absolute sweetheart. Daniel-ah, stop complaining. Aren’t you glad that Seongwoo found someone that’s good to him?”

 

“I suppose, but–“

 

“But nothing,” Jisung cuts him off firmly, “Look, I get that you’re not really used to having to share Seongwoo’s time because he hasn’t dated much in the time you guys knew each other, and definitely not in during the time that you guys have been really close, but you have to back off a bit, okay?”

 

“Besides,” Taewoong adds before Daniel can complain again, “Think about it this way. When you were dating, did Seongwoo complain about how you spent less time with him?”

 

“No,” he admitted grudgingly.

 

“Exactly. He found other things to do and other people to do them with. You’re his best friend, and Hyeongseop is his boyfriend. Seongwoo isn’t going to stop being your friend, but he’s also not going to stop dating Hyeongseop unless that’s something he wants. Don’t make him choose.”

 

Daniel stayed silent, ignoring the looks his friends were exchanging over his head. He knows they think he’s being ridiculous, heck, to a degree Daniel agrees with them. But he can’t put into words that uncomfortable feeling building in his chest, like something was growing inside and nudging his heart out of its rightful place and his rib cage seems like it’s expanding but also like it’s too small to hold all of him at the same time.

 

“I’m not jealous,” he repeats to himself.

 

The looks his friends shoot him are utterly unsympathetic. “Of course you’re not, Daniel-ah. Come on, let’s go to the arcade and take your mind off things,” Jisung offers.

 

“Maybe you should start dating again,” Taewoong suggests, hands behind his head and he waits for them to lace up their sneakers, “Then you won’t even notice that Seongwoo is around a little less often.”

 

Jisung glares at Taewoong. “Do not even,” he hisses, “I haven’t even taken my pound of flesh for your last terrible idea, do not start.”

 

“It’s a valid idea!” Taewoong protests.

 

“Hey,” Daniel frowns, “What’s wrong with me dating?”

 

“Nothing,” Jisung raises an eyebrow, “Except you’re going to send them running by complaining about how your roommate spends too much time with his boyfriend. Which is a _great_ start to any relationship. Why don’t you think of a way to properly make it up to Minki for your ridiculous behavior instead? That should take up your time.”

 

Daniel winces, “Yeah, about that.”

 

Jisung pauses for a moment, closing the door behind them with a long-suffering sigh, “What did you do?”

 

“I’m kind of banned from their apartment for the next month or so?” he admits self-consciously.

 

“And why is that?”

 

“I, umm, I apologized. I brought them all cupcakes to say sorry for the trouble.”

 

“And?” Jisung prods, “Cupcakes don’t get you banned.”

 

“ _ImighthavespenttheentiretimeafterwardscomplainingaboutHyeongseop_ ,” Daniel admits in a rush.

 

“Oh Lord give me patience,” Jisung exhaled, eyes turned heavenwards, “Let me guess. Minki took personal offense and but you didn’t stop even though Jonghyun tried to play peace keeper and then you guys argued again until you got thrown out.”

 

“Yeah…He said I’m not allowed to come back until I ‘have my head screwed on properly’ and ‘stop being such a petulant brat’, so Jonghyun _hyung_ just told me not to agitate Minki _hyung_ for the next little while.”

 

“I am never leaving you two in a room alone together,” Jisung declares hotly, “Not ever in my life. Praise God for creating Jonghyun, I don’t even want to imagine what would have happened if he wasn’t there. Okay, arcade, right now. I need to shoot some aliens or something before my blood pressure goes through the roof.”

 

“ _Hyung_ , that’s not how blood pressure works though.”

 

“Shut up and start walking.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Weekend update! 
> 
> Can anyone tell how much I stress-write post-rankings? and pre-rankings? (GodsomeonesendhelpIneedhelp)


	10. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A breaking point. A turning point.

Seongwoo breaks his promise to Daniel on a crisp November morning.

 

The sun was out and shining, providing just enough warmth that winter jackets still weren’t a necessity just yet. Daniel picks up his phone without a second thought when Seongwoo’s designated ringtone sounds, waving to his exiting classmates absentmindedly.

 

“Hello?” he answers, holding his cell to his ear with his shoulder so he could keep his hands free, carelessly shoving his textbook into his backpack and yanking on that stupid zipper that always got caught.

 

“Niel-ah,” Seongwoo’s voice sounds a little static-y over the receiver, “Sorry, can we cancel for tonight?”

 

Daniel freezes for a moment; today is a Wednesday.

 

“Sure,” he agrees, keeping his voice light purposely, “Did something come up with work?”

 

Seongwoo is silent for a moment, the sound of traffic filters through and Daniel can hear the grainy chorus of some indie-pop song in the background.

 

“No, it’s not work. It’s just, uh, there’s a fundraiser Hyeongseopie was helping to organize that’s tonight? His _sunbae_ was supposed to MC the event but he came down with strep throat so he asked if I could step in as an MC since I have some experience. They can’t really find anyone else on such short notice, so I just, umm, is it alright? We’ll reschedule?”

 

Blood rushes to Daniel’s ears and for a moment he can’t hear anything. Not Seongwoo over the phone, not the sound of the lecture hall doors closing as the last student leaves, not even the sound of his own heartbeat thudding through his veins and rushing through his arteries. Seongwoo is cancelling their weekly dinners for Hyeongseop. Seongwoo who had promised nothing was going to change.

 

 _So much for that promise_ , Daniel thinks bitterly.

 

It’s not that they haven’t had to reschedule before. Competitions, deadlines, work, and group projects; all these were bound to land on a Wednesday night at some point. But it had never been because of _someone_ else before.

 

“Daniel?” Seongwoo voice is doing that breathy thing where his words seems to stick a little longer to his tongue, a sure sign that he’s nervous.

 

“Yeah, don’t worry about it _hyung_ ,” Daniel forces the words through his throat even though his esophagus feels like it’s closing up, “I’ll see you at home?”

 

“Yes, yes, of course, thanks Niel-ah, talk to you later!”

 

Daniel stays immobile even after the call has ended. He’s only vaguely aware of the sound his phone makes as it clatters onto the desk in front of him when it slips from its place upon his shoulder. His entire body feels stiff and numb, his eyes are burning and he has to remind himself to keep breathing. For a moment he wonders if he’s going into anaphylactic shock but then he remembers he’s not allergic to anything. He tries to laugh at his own folly but no sound comes out.

 

Slowly he picks his phone back up and dials Jisung’s number. The twenty seconds the dial tone rings for feels like forever.

 

“Hello?”

 

“…. _hyung_.”

 

“Daniel-ah? What’s wrong?”

 

“…… _hyung_ , where are you right now?”

 

“I’m at home, why? Is something the matter? Are you okay?”

 

Jisung’s sounds concerned and a part of Daniel urges him to reassure his friend that he’s alright but he can’t find the words for it. Licking his suddenly dry lips, he swallows and asks, “Can I come over?”

 

“Yeah, sure, of course you can. You didn’t answer me though, Daniel-ah, is something wrong?”

 

Not knowing how to answer, Daniel hangs up after forcing out a one final sentence, “I’ll see you in a bit _hyung_ , thanks.”

 

Grabbing his backpack, Daniel slings it over his shoulder; that stupid zipper is still stuck but it’s closed enough that nothing will fall out and that’s all that matters right now. Daniel strides out of the lecture hall, phone heavy in his pocket, the buzzing of Jisung calling back seems to burn through the fabric of his jeans and into his skin. He ignores it.       

 

Fifteen minutes. Jisung’s apartment is only fifteen minutes away.

 

It can wait fifteen minutes.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Staring into the bottom of his empty cup, Seongwoo squints at the drying rings of tea staining the white ceramic edges as if it could tell his future. To his right, Minhyun nudges him gently. Across from them, Hyunbin is debating the differences between mocha and a half-and-half with Jaehwan, with Jaehwan insisting they’re the same thing for all intents and purposes, and Hyunbin arguing that it makes a world of difference.

 

“Seongwoo-ah,” Minhyun nudges him harder when he doesn’t respond, “You okay?”

 

Seongwoo sighs loud enough that Hyunbin and Jaehwan pause in their argument to stare at him. “Did I do the right thing?”

 

“What did you do _hyung_?” Hyunbin asks, pushing the plate of cookies towards Seongwoo as if that would make everything better.

 

Seongwoo considers them for a moment before grabbing two and making a show of trying to fit them both into his mouth at the same time, chewing wildly in Hyunbin’s direction. Their youngest snorts and shoves a cookie in his mouth as well, chewing messily to match his _hyung_ while Jaehwan cringes away from them both in disgust. Seongwoo leans over to purposely stick out his cookie-covered tongue at his friend, snickering when Jaehwan balls up his napkin and chucks it at his face.

 

Minhyun’s raised eyebrow prompts him to finally swallow his mouthful, sighing in disappointment that his distraction was already over. Grabbing a spare napkin, Seongwoo starts to pull it apart, “Minki told me that maybe I needed to step back from Daniel now that I’m dating Hyeongseop. So when Hyeongseopie told me they needed a last-minute MC for the charity fundraiser tonight, I called and asked Niel if we could cancel our plans.”

 

Their table is silent except for the sound of Hyunbin coughing as he tries not to choke on his cookie. Jaehwan absentmindedly reaches over to thump him on the back, not looking away from Seongwoo.

 

“ _Hyung_ ,” Hyunbin croaks out, voice rough from avoiding what would have been the lamest death ever, “Today is Wednesday.”

 

“I know.”

 

“But, you never cancel Wednesday night dinners.”

 

“ _I know._ ”

 

Hyunbin sits back, stunned. “Oh my God. Seongwoo _hyung_ is cancelling his fixed plans with Daniel _hyung_ ,” he lunges at Jaehwan, shaking him, “Quick, check the news! The world must be ending!”

 

Seongwoo just groans and collapses into a blob of conflicted feelings on the table, ignoring the fact that he’s resting his face in a puddle of half-dried latte.

 

“Seongwoo-ah,” Jaehwan’s eyes are wide as he completely ignores the mess of limbs that is Hyunbin clinging to his shoulders and babbling nonsense, “Daniel never cancelled Wednesdays with you even when we were dating. I don’t think he _ever_ cancelled for any of his dates.”

 

“I knooooow,” Seongwoo groans into the table, “I feel like a horrible person.”

 

Sitting up suddenly, he starts to dig around for his phone, “Should I call him back? I should call him back and tell him that it was all a mistake. But I already promised Hyeongseobie!”

 

Turning to Minhyun as the last calm within the storm, Seongwoo shoves the phone at his friend, “Minhyun-ah, what should I do?!”

 

“First of all, I’m offended that you cancelled for Hyeongseop when you never even cancelled for us,” Minhyun starts off.

 

“Minhyun-ah, don’t be like this now, help me first!”

 

Minhyun just rolls his eyes and snatches the shredded mess of napkins balled up in Seongwoo’s hands, using it to wipe away the splotch of latte before it became a permanent fixture on Seongwoo’s cheek.

 

“Minki has a point, you do need to step back a bit,” he glances at Seongwoo and then amends his words, “okay, maybe a lot. I’ve told you before that your codependency was only going to come back and bite you in the ass. But cancelling your fixed plans so suddenly……maybe you should have done it slowly? Like lowering dosages of a drug for addicts; going cold turkey is dangerous.”

 

“Wait, so who’s the drug and who’s the addict?”

 

“Either of them, both of them. Does it matter?”

 

“So I should call him back?” Seongwoo asks loudly, pointedly ignoring the peanut gallery that was Hyunbin and Jaehwan, already starting to dial Daniel’s number.

 

Jaehwan reaches over and swipes the phone from his hands, ending the call. “No, you already did it, stick to your decision. Yes you should have eased him into this slowly, but I’m telling you right now, if you want things to work out with Hyeongseop, you need to not make your life about Daniel anymore.”

 

Seongwoo opens his mouth to protest but Jaehwan cut him right off. “I am speaking from _experience_ ,” he stresses the last word, giving Seongwoo a look, “There is no room for another relationship between you two unless you guys back off.”

 

Seongwoo wilts in his seat, “I did say I was sorry for that, Jaehwan-ah. I tried to give you guys space, I swear.”

 

Jaehwan rolls his eyes and slides the phone back across the table once he’s positive that Seongwoo won’t try to call Daniel again, “I know you did. But that space wasn’t enough for a dandelion to grow in the cracks. It’s better this way anyways, we’re better off as friends, all three of us.”

 

“I still can’t believe you dated Daniel _hyung_ , Jaehwanie _hyung,_ ” muses Hyunbin, “eighty percent of our department doesn’t even dare to dream about dating either of them because they’re convinced Daniel _hyung_ and Seongwoo _hyung_ are already married.”

 

“If I remember correctly,” Minhyun interjects, “you were one of them, and I’m pretty sure it’s your fault it went from fifty percent to eighty.”

 

“In my defense,” Jaehwan adds, fiddling with his straw, “I met Daniel before I transferred to this university. I had no idea they were like _that_ or I would have never said yes when he asked me out.”

 

“Like what?” Seongwoo asks, frowning, “Was that supposed to be an insult?”

 

“Words cannot describe the ridiculousity that is your relationship with Kang Daniel,” Jaehwan deadpans, “I honestly have no idea how you two managed to function like this for three years.”

 

“Ridiculousity is not a word.”

 

“It is where you two are involved.”

 

“Either way,” Minhyun cut in, “I’m glad you’re taking your relationship with Hyeonseop seriously.”

 

“I wouldn’t have started dating him if I wasn’t going to try,” Seongwoo protests, shooting a betrayed look at Minhyun, “That wouldn’t have been fair to him. Is that what you really think of me?”

 

“I’m not saying you would do it on purpose, but sometimes you can’t avoid it when feelings are involved. They’re not so clear-cut and easy to control.”

 

Hyunbin snorts, “If it was easy, we would have been to the wedding by now.”

 

The youngest yelps and ducks when Seongwoo starts pelting him with unopened salt packets. “I’m only telling the truth!” he protests as Seongwoo runs out of salt and moves on to prepackaged jam and butter.

 

“Just see how it goes, Daniel agreed so maybe it’ll be fine,” Minhyun offers, completely ignoring the fact that his friends were making an absolute mess out of their table.

 

Across from him, Jaehwan just sighs, lifting a hand to massage at the bridge of his nose and scooting away from the chaos as if the slight distance he put between them would absolve him of all responsibility. “I call dibs on not cleaning this mess.”

 

“I’ll clean up the table if you clean up their relationship,” Minhyun proposes.

 

“No deal.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Daniel spends the entire walk over to Jisung’s apartment with his mind running in self-defeating circles. When he gets to the apartment, the door is already unlocked and Jisung is sitting on a chair he placed directly across from the front door, sipping a cup of tea with a look on his face that was seventy percent worry, thirty percent irritation, and one hundred percent accusatory.

 

“You couldn’t have picked up your phone?”

 

Daniel winces, “Sorry _hyung_.”

 

Jisung somehow manages to look down his nose at Daniel who is standing while remaining seated, “So are you going to tell me what’s going on now or are we going to just stew in silence for another thirty minutes.”

 

“I think I’m losing Seongwoo _hyung_ ,” Daniel blurts out.

 

“Is this about Hyeongseop again?” Jisung deadpans.

 

“Seongwoo cancelled tonight. For Hyeongseop.”

 

Jisung’s eyebrows shoot into his hairline, mouth dropping open until his chin nearly touches his chest. “He did what?!”

 

Daniel just walks over to throw himself onto Jisung’s couch, burying his face into the cushions, “I’m losing him. I know it.”

 

“What on earth are you screeching about this early in the morning,” Taewoong comes out from his room with a yawn, scratching at the stubble on his chin.

 

“It’s almost noon, you degenerate,” Jisung quips.

 

“Sue me, you know I had a late shift last night and my first class today doesn’t start until 2 PM,” Taewoong snaps back, “Now, why is Daniel trying to suffocate himself with our couch cushions?”

 

“Seongwoo cancelled Wednesday night dinner for Hyeongseop.”

 

“Oh, shit, really?” Taewoong fumbles the coffee pot for a moment, “Wow, I guess he’s serious about Hyeongseop, huh?”

 

“ _Hyung_ , it’s not funny,” Daniel complains, voice still muffled into a cushion, “I’m losing my best friend.”

 

“Daniel-ah,” Taewoong walks over to perch himself on the arm of the couch, “I thought we were over this. You guys have two different roles in Seongwoo’s life; you’re not losing him.”

 

“It feels like I am though.”

 

“But you’re not,” Taewoong insists, “At the end of the day, it’s just dinner and Seongwoo will make it up to you.”

 

“But it’s not _just_ dinner, it’s _our thing_ ,” Daniel sits up, frustrated that Taewoong didn’t seem to understand the severity of Seongwoo’s betrayal, “I’m losing him.”

 

Tired and still half-asleep, Taewoong’s patience runs out faster than the lukewarm coffee he drains from his cup, “Goddammit Daniel, you can’t lose something that you never had in the first place.”

 

“Choi Taewoong,” Jisung hisses, making sharp cutting motions at his own neck, the threat of bodily harm clear in his eyes.

 

“What are you talking about?” Daniel asks, eyeing Jisung strangely before turning his attention back to Taewoong.

 

Fed up with tiptoeing around the issue, Taewoong throws caution to the wind, “Daniel-ah, no one treats their best friend like you treat Seongwoo. And definitely no one treats their best friend like Seongwoo treats you. You need to take a long hard look at how you’ve been behaving up until this point. When I said you were acting like a jealous girlfriend, I meant it.”

 

“ _Choi Taewoong._ ”

 

Jisung is torn between tackling Taewoong and shooting worried looks towards Daniel who sits frozen like a statue.

 

“And that is my cue to leave!” Taewoong books it towards the door, completely ignoring the fact that he’s still in his pajamas and that he hasn’t even brushed his teeth, “I’m going to request sanctuary with Minki, later!”

 

“You do not get to just run out and leave me with this mess,” Jisung screeched even as Taewoong escapes through the door, “Get back here!”

 

“ _Hyung._ ”

 

Hearing Daniel’s voice sounding so small, Jisung whips back around, hurrying over to the couch. “Yes?”

 

“ _Hyung_ , what was Taewoong _hyung_ talking about?”

 

Jisung grimaces, unable to hide his expression from Daniel this close. The younger man lurches forward, gripping Jisung’s forearms tightly, a fevered glaze over his eyes, “ _Hyung._ ”

 

Jisung groans before forcing himself to meet Daniel’s eyes. “Daniel-ah,” he says solemnly, “I think you already know what he meant. You’ve always known.”

 

Daniel shook his head in denial, starting to get up to follow Taewoong out the door, “No, that’s not true.”

 

Grabbing Daniel by his shoulders, Jisung cuts off his escape.

 

“Daniel, listen to me. No,” he tightens his grip when Daniel tries to flee, “ _listen_. Not everyone you love is going to leave you. Your parents were the exception, not the norm. You can’t keep running away all your life.”

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, we’re not talking about this. I am not running away!”

 

“Dammit Daniel,” Jisung lets go, throwing up his arms in frustration, “If you run now, then you’re really going to lose him!”

 

At that declaration, Daniel slumps over as if he was a puppet and Jisung’s words has cut all his strings at once. He looks pitiful, but Jisung hardens his heart, “Say it.”

 

“No, I’ve already lost him. There’s no point.”

 

“No,” Jisung demands, “What did Taewoong mean? What did all of us mean for the past I don’t even know how many years?! I want you to say it.”

 

“No.”

 

“Say it, Daniel,” his friend reaches over to physically shake him before giving up on that endeavor and sitting on him when Daniel makes an aborted movement towards the door, “I’m not going to let you leave until you admit it to yourself. Say it.”

 

In the stillness, the ticking of the clock sounds obnoxiously loud and Daniel can hear every hitch in Jisung’s breath as he fights against his urge to break their impasse.

 

In this calm in the eye of the storm, Daniel fancies he can feel each of his cells dying and then another being reborn in its place. For a moment he imagines that if he stays still long enough, he will become a brand new person who isn’t weighed down by these feelings, these regrets.

 

In the silence, he recounts every smile, every laugh, every brush of fingers, every tender touch, and he breathes his confession into the air like a prayer.

 

“I’m in love with Seongwoo.”

 

It changes everything.

 

_It changes nothing at all._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should really have gone to sleep instead of forcing the last scene out, but I was so close! Hope you guys enjoyed that, haha.
> 
> <3


	11. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To be enough.

For the first time in forever, Daniel finds himself sitting alone on the couch in the dark on a Wednesday night. It’s half-past twelve, Seongwoo still isn’t home; the television has been switched off for an hour now but he can’t bring himself to get up and turn on the lights. The apartment he shares with Seongwoo is eerily silent, the shadows cast through the blinds haunt his walls like his inner demons given life, and Daniel is forced to remember why he hates being home alone.

 

From a very young age, Daniel’s notion of the world was different from most of his classmates.

 

Home was just a place to sleep. Dinners were silent and lonely. Parents were distant figures. Family was cold, aloof; the pictures shown in school textbooks and storybooks baffled him. What were these people doing smiling all the time? Why were they together so much?

 

Looking at him now, no one would have ever guessed that as a child, Daniel was quiet, serious, and solemn. That he would grow up to be this cheerful, fun-loving young man, but one who still carries with him an almost crippling hatred and fear of dark, quiet, lonely spaces.

 

When he was a child, Daniel didn’t realize how different his family was from everyone else’s until grade school. His teacher had told them to draw a picture of dinner at home and grew concerned when Daniel’s picture showed only himself at the table, walls shaded blue and black all around, and with none of the embellishments children were prone to adding. She showed him sample pictures of families together, stick figures with smiling faces and bright colours, and asked him if he had anything he would like to talk to her about. Daniel had just shook his head, confused.

 

Being a new teacher and passionate about the well-being of her students, Daniel’s homeroom teacher called his mother in the afternoon to express her concerns. That night when he gets home it’s the first time Daniel can recall his mother initiating physical contact with him that isn’t grabbing his sleeve and dragging him along the streets. She slaps him across the face, eyes hard, and tells him not to tell tales to his teacher ever again.

 

That night, Daniel threw out those pictures of happy families his teacher had given him. Envy burned in his chest until tears shook his tiny frame. He cried deep into the night. Nobody came to check on him, not even once.

 

Daniel learns the power of a smile after that. As long as he is smiling, no one will ask questions. Everyone liked a happy and bright child; if he was smiling his teacher didn’t worry and his mother didn’t get angry because nobody asked uncomfortable questions.

 

Somewhere along the line, Daniel thinks that maybe if he could _be_ that happy child, could get good grades, could be talented, then maybe, _just maybe_.

 

It doesn’t matter in the end.

 

He’s nine years old when his mother drops him off with his grandmother and never looks back. Hidden behind a creaky wooden door, he listened as his mother argues with her mother. _I never even wanted to have a child_ , he heard her yell, _I didn’t work this hard and get so far in my career to throw it all away for some kid. If his family has any complaints, they can take it up with their son. He’s never even in the country for longer than it takes to make a flight connection. We don’t have time for a child._

 

 _Halmeoni_ sighed and tried her best to raise him, and for that Daniel will be grateful forever. Through her, he learns about warmth, discovers that family can have colour, and Daniel smiles and keeps smiling until he thinks maybe he’s going to be okay, that maybe he’s finally learnt how to smile for real.

 

In his secret innermost dreams, Daniel wishes that his parents will come to visit and after seeing what a bright and talented child they had, would want to stay, to be a part of his life; to realize that they wanted him after all.

 

The year that Daniel turned twelve, _halmeoni_ passed away in her sleep, silently leaving his life on the coldest winter night his twelve year old self has ever lived through. He lived on his own in her empty house for almost two months before anyone realized what was going on. His teachers were shocked, the neighbourhood appalled, and Child Services is called shortly. Daniel just pasted on a careful smile when they ask if he’s alright; he stopped feeling that night after _halmeoni_ didn’t get up again, how could he be alright?

 

He stays with a neighbor until the police call to let him know that his parent has come to pick him up. Under the watchful eye of his classmate’s mother, he is escorted to the police station and meets his father for the first time in his life that he can remember.

 

His father is tall, imposing, with broad shoulders and a strong jaw. The lines on his face come from frowning and not smiles, his gaze is clinical and cutting as it sweeps over Daniel. The barest twist to his lips afterwards is telling; he has found what he saw in Daniel to be lacking, it is an expression Daniel knows intimately – his mother used to have that same expression when she looked at him.

 

Daniel didn’t realize how badly he had wanted his father, this perfect stranger, to hold him and tell him that everything was okay until he’s sitting in his new room. Alone. The darkness makes it feel as if the walls are closing in on him, and suddenly he’s tired, he’s scared, he just wants his grandmother back.

 

He doesn’t find his grandmother again (could never find his grandmother again), but does find a neighbourhood _hyung_ who takes him under his wing and fusses over him just as much as _halmeoni_ used to. Yoon Jisung _hyung_ took one look at the fake smile on Daniel’s face, called him out on it, and then dragged him home with him, refusing to let him leave.

 

The rest of Jisung _hyung_ ’s family pretty much adopt him afterwards and if it wasn’t because he had to keep up appearances, Daniel doesn’t think his parents would have cared that he spent more time sleeping on the floor of Jisung _hyung’s_ room than in his own bed.

 

Yet every moment spends he basking in the warmth of his _hyung_ ’s family, he can feel some part of his heart cracking, knowing that eventually he’ll have to go back to his own house, that place bereft of any feeling of a home. Perfect test scores never merit more than a glance. Trophies from dance competitions Jisung had dragged him into are thrown out for cluttering up the living room. Nothing he can do can make his parents turn around and look at him, to actually see him, and Daniel desperately wants to stop caring, to stop wanting, but he _can’t_.

 

By the time he graduates high school, Daniel hasn’t seen his parents for more than five minutes in almost two years and Jisung _hyung_ is a memory that visits once in a while, busy with university and life (and Daniel has learned since that when life comes calling, everyone is going to answer even if that means leaving him far, far behind).

 

He stands in front of the mirror in his graduation robes and stares, gaze critical, categorizing every part of himself. He’s an honour roll student, class president, a member of a national-level dance team, and he’s leaving with two scholarships to his name. He has grown into his father’s broad shoulders, he has his mother’s eyes, but his smile is all his own, he thinks (but he’ll never know for sure; there is no basis for comparison after all).

 

What difference does it make?

 

There is no one there to celebrate his graduation, no proud parent, no “I knew you could do it, son”, just a bank book to a chequing account and one line on a piece of paper that reads he had better graduate from a good university sitting on the table of an empty dinning room. Daniel laughs and laughs and laughs to himself and wonders why he ever expected anything different.

 

He goes to the same university Jisung _hyung_ went to, chasing after the only certain warmth that he still has in his life. Orientation was new and terrifying but Daniel smiles his way through it and his classmates are welcoming. He exchanges phone numbers with more people than he can remember the faces of and gets invited to parties and mixers left and right.

 

Sometime during or after his first party, he wanders into a random room, drunk out of his mind having overestimated his tolerance, running from wandering hands and mocking laughter, and passes out on a bed that isn’t his. In the morning when he wakes up, disoriented, there were gentle hands stroking his hair, someone holding up a bucket for him to throw up in, and then a voice asking him if he’s okay and offering water and an aspirin. He squints through a splitting headache and too bright sunshine, to see the concerned face of an attractive stranger.

 

To this day he doesn’t recall what he said then in response, but he thanks whatever upper powers out there that arranged for him to stumble into this room out of all the rooms on the floor because it is there that he meets a stranger with an unusual last name.

 

Ong Seongwoo seems to have fallen into his life out of the blue, by fate or design, and somehow, _somehow_ , he stays. Seongwoo _hyung,_ who turned out to be one of the mentors for his year during orientation and the unlucky bastard who got kicked out of his own bed by a drunk out of his mind first year, ends up becoming his best friend. A best friend who listened and didn’t care if Daniel was a mess of a human being sometimes, who took care of Daniel in a way that he had long since forgotten was possible. Seongwoo _hyung_ who loved to make people laughed, who hated to see Daniel sad, and did everything he could to make sure Daniel was alright.

 

Daniel discovers a newfound appreciation and love for skinship when he realized that Seongwoo doesn’t mind it when Daniel wraps himself around his _hyung_ and refuses to let go. Then it’s as if Daniel is trying to make up for lost time, to fill up his quota of touch for the past twenty years in the span of two. Now that he’s rediscovered what warmth could be like again, Daniel couldn’t convince himself to let go if he wanted to.

 

He’s addicted to it.

 

And Seongwoo just hugs him back, learns how to maneuver himself around in the times Daniel cannot help but cling to him persistently, learns how to hold Daniel together when he runs into those inexplicable moments where he suddenly feels like he’s falling apart.

 

Seongwoo becomes the second person to learn about Daniel’s family and the first person that he tells willingly. The night he tells his story, bolstered by shots of liquid courage, haltingly, painfully, is also the first time Daniel sees Seongwoo get angry. Really angry, not like those times he was upset that Daniel left candy wrappers all over his bed or even that time Daniel hid a cat in Seongwoo’s room because his own dorm didn’t allow pets and it had peed all over Seongwoo’s pillow.

 

Seongwoo’s face goes blank; he looks like he’s shutting down, pulling away, and in that moment Daniel was terrified that Seongwoo was going to leave him now that he knew what a disappointment Daniel. That Seongwoo will finally have realized what his parents knew from the moment that he was born – that Kang Daniel was not meant to be loved.

 

He’s wrong though, he had never been more glad to be wrong in his twenty years of existence, and instead Seongwoo _hyung_ hugs him within an inch of his life, hugs him until his legs are numb from being awkwardly bent out of the way and his ribcage feels slightly bruised but nothing, no amount of discomfort would wipe that smile off his face. That night marks the first night that Daniel falls asleep beside Seongwoo, and what started off as an accident after emotional exhaustion quickly becomes a bad habit Daniel doesn’t want to fix.

 

Somewhere along the way, Daniel stopped wondering what it would be like to live without Seongwoo and started to hope that what they had could last forever. He’s heard of best friends growing apart, of people who never see their university friends when they’re grown, but then he looks over at Seongwoo _hyung_ and knows that will never be them. Most nights, Daniel prays to a God he isn’t sure he believes in to let him keep this one good thing in his life, to please let him be enough, just this once.

 

Then one day Daniel wakes up and turns over, eyes still bleary from sleep, mind fogged over by dreams, and the sun filtering through the blinds of the window strikes Seongwoo’s face _just_ so that Daniel feels his breath catch from how lovely Seongwoo looks in the morning light. In that moment his heart feels so full, Daniel doesn’t think, he leans over and stretches out just enough to brush his lips against Seongwoo’s own.

 

It feels like perfection, like coming home.

 

It also feels like terror settling into his bones. Suddenly he was wide-awake and holding his breath, praying that his _hyung_ doesn’t wake up. He doesn’t stir and it’s more than a small miracle, but Daniel has greater worries at hand now.

 

How could he? How did he dare to assume?

 

Why was he so greedy? Why couldn’t he just be happy with a good thing? Why did he always have to ruin things?

 

Daniel remembers thinking that God is cruel to give him something, someone so beautiful in his life, but also the knowledge that he can never have them the way he wants to. Because Daniel has already learnt from the depths of his soul that as surely as the sun rises from the east, nothing he loves will ever stay.

 

Now Seongwoo who had been his salvation is also his greatest temptation and Daniel would have gladly fallen into sin if it didn’t mean he would also lose his personal paradise.

 

Everything else he could give up, would let go of, but not this, not Seongwoo.

 

So Daniel makes himself a deal. He buries his feelings deep within himself until even he can barely recall that one breathless, perfect moment that they could have been more. Surely, if they are just friends, Seongwoo will stay? As long as he doesn’t know, as long as he never knows, then surely Daniel cannot be punished for once having been greedy and having wanted what was not his to take?

 

He rooted himself to Seongwoo’s side, soaking in every second, memorizing every touch, immortalizing it in preparation that one day the worst will happen and he will be alone once again. Months passed, and then a year, and then another. The longer he gets to keep Seongwoo, the easier it had been to breathe.

 

His bargain was safe. His pact was working. He just needs to uphold his end for eternity and tell himself that this must be enough.

 

Sitting here now, alone in the darkness again, Daniel lets himself shatter into pieces, into dust that quietly settles in the ruins of his heart. There was no happy ending, no deal with any devil that could take back what is already done – why did he ever think otherwise?

 

Daniel almost misses the soft clang of metal as the lock to their apartment turns and the creak of the door as Seongwoo eases himself inside quietly. Daniel sits at attention, feeling all his nerves dancing, alive. He’s on his feet before he knows it, making his way towards the door.

 

Seongwoo stands there, halfway through kicking his shoes off and startles at the sight of Daniel standing in the dark.

 

“Niel-ah, is everything okay? Did I wake you? Why didn’t you turn any lights on?”

 

Seongwoo’s voice is like a balm to his soul but all Daniel can think is that he’s back, he came back, and Daniel reaches out to hold him and then just barely remembers to stop himself, that he isn't allowed to touch.

 

And like all those times before, way back in the beginning, Seongwoo steps easily past the distance that Daniel cannot not bring himself to cross, fitting easily into his arms. Daniel can feel his entire body slump forward, he has no strength left in this moment, but Seongwoo just holds up his body weight as well without a single complaint. No words pass between them, just Seongwoo’s breath tickling the short hairs behind his ear, and the soothing motions of a hand running up and down his back, warm, solid, and real.

 

Daniel sighs to himself as Seongwoo’s arms tighten around him; this is enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea how we went from plot to just backstory and angst. But it happened anyways. 
> 
> Officially, I'm blaming the impending final episode for turning me into a wreck of emotions, I'm only sorry I'm making you all suffer with me (pleasedon'tkillme).


	12. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One step forward, two steps back.

Something has changed between him and Daniel.

 

On the surface, their relationship still carries the veneer of their old easy camaraderie, but Seongwoo knows differently. He feels like they’ve taken a dozen steps backwards, but only Daniel knows exactly how many steps have been retraced and Seongwoo is left guessing, floundering for an appropriate response.

 

Guilt claws at his stomach; Seongwoo knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is to blame, that it was a single cancelled Wednesday night that has triggered this episode. Ever since that day, Daniel has been withdrawn. It may not be obvious to others, but Seongwoo wasn’t his best friend for nothing; he has picked up and meticulously categorized every tell and little cue over the years.

 

Daniel hovered consistently on the edges of Seongwoo’s personal space, orbiting around him but never making the final step forward. It has been a week and Seongwoo cannot recall a single time that Daniel initiated physical contact with him ever since.

 

He can only watch helplessly as Daniel lingers whenever they are home, drifting close to Seongwoo but holding himself stiffly, just a little apart when he used to never hesitate to wrap himself around Seongwoo. It reminds him of the first few months they knew each other, when Daniel would pause every time they touched accidentally and then look at Seongwoo as if silently asking if it was okay.

 

Noticing Daniel’s figure at the edge of his peripheral vision, Seongwoo took a fortifying breath. It was okay, he’d done this once, he could do it again. Until he could find a way to fix things, until he could get through to Daniel again, Seongwoo would take responsibility for the damage that he had wrought.

 

In the mean time, well, his lips twisted in a sardonic smile hidden from Daniel’s view, he was a master at pretending by now, wasn’t he?

 

Besides, if Daniel couldn’t come to him, Seongwoo would just have to go to Daniel.

 

Opening the fridge to snag two bottles of water, Seongwoo turns around with a careful grin.

 

“Niel-ah,” he makes his way towards the doorway where Daniel is, smoothly throwing an arm around Daniel’s shoulders and pulling the younger man into his side, “You’re not busy right now, right? There’s a video I wanted to show you.”

 

Seongwoo ignores the little twitch Daniel gives before the tension leaves his frame and he leans against Seongwoo, “Yeah, sure _hyung_. Living room?”

 

“Naw, let’s just watch it on the tablet, bed’s comfier,” Seongwoo steers Daniel into his room, shoving him lightly onto the mattress before he joins him, shuffling awkwardly on his knees towards his desk to nab their shared tablet.

 

Daniel is frozen, eyes wide as Seongwoo sits with his back against the headboard, tugging at Daniel’s form until he scoots backwards to sit between Seongwoo’s legs as directed. Seongwoo wraps an arm around Daniel’s chest, pulling the younger to lie against his chest and hooking his chin over Daniel’s shoulder, propping up the tablet against Daniel’s thighs.

 

“Comfortable?” he asks, being the one wrapped snug around Daniel for once instead of the other way around.

 

For a second, Seongwoo wonders if he’s pushing too fast, too far, if Daniel is going to spring out from his arms and bolt for the door. But then the moment passes and Daniel goes boneless, melting against him with a content sigh. He turns to nuzzle into the crook of Seongwoo’s neck and Seongwoo twitches with a light laugh at the ticklish sensation.

 

“Yeah, just perfect.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Something had happened, Jisung isn’t certain what is it, but something had snapped Daniel out of his funk. He wishes he knows exactly what is it, but Daniel is back to being a fully powered bouncing ball of sunshine, latched on to Seongwoo even tighter as ever.

 

Jisung also realizes with growing horror that a Daniel that has been made forcibly aware of his feelings is in fact an absolute terror.

 

“No,” he half-shouts, trying to keep his voice down in the library even as he’s slamming his hands down on the table, “You are not crashing their date.”

 

“But everyone keeps saying that I should get to know Hyeongseop better, and to do that I need to spend more time with him,” Daniel retorts.

 

“We both know that’s a lie and you are not trying to ‘get to know him better’,” Jisung hisses, ducking down hastily when one of the librarians frown in his direction.

 

“You’re the one who told me if I didn’t try now, I’d lose him,” Daniel points out unrepentantly, turning his best smile towards the librarian until they just shook their head and left the boys to their devices.

 

“No,” Jisung responds, “I told you that is you kept running away from your own feelings, you were going to lose him. _I did not tell you to start forcing yourself between Seongwoo and his **boyfriend** and to devolve from a human being into a parasitic pink leech._ ”

 

Daniel pouts at the unflattering description, “Now that was mean _hyung_.”

 

“You invited yourself to the last three dates they have been on. You deliberately stayed home last week so that you could join their movie night. _You_ _ran home half-way through practice when you heard that Hyeongseop was coming over yesterday_ ,” Jisung lists off Daniel’s recent offenses, “And that's just the incidents that I know of! What on earth are you going to do next? Shove your face in-between them when they’re about to kiss?!”

 

At the contemplating look on Daniel’s face, Jisung lunges across the table to grab him by the shoulders. “No, absolutely not, do not even think about it.”

 

“But _hyung_ –”

 

“ **No** ,” Jisung insists, recalling the slightly strained look on Hyeongseop’s face that last time he had happened across Daniel forcibly turning the younger boy’s date with Seongwoo into a friendly outing by sitting down with a bright smile and refusing to leave.

 

He stares down Daniel until he acquiesces, grumbling as he turns back to his textbook. They get in another hour of two of quiet studying before Daniel excuses himself, heading off for his next class while Jisung wraps up his preparations for his upcoming lecture.

 

Standing in front of the photocopier, Jisung taps his fingers against the machine absently, waiting for it to finish spitting out all two hundred and fifty copies of his handout. It takes longer than he would like and Jisung checks his watch, lips twisting as he tries to calculate how fast he can run to the lecture hall while carrying the stack of papers.

 

Just then, his phone vibrates, letting out a soft chime to signify a Kakao message. Glancing at the printer, which doesn’t seem like it’ll finish up anytime soon, Jisung fishes his phone out from the pocket of his jacket.

 

Tapping the screen to check who it was from shows a notification of an unread message from Jaehan, an image file. Jisung swipes through his lock pattern to unlock his phone and then stares at the picture that Jaehan has sent him. The quality of the picture isn’t the best and Jisung recalls Jaehan complaining about needing a new phone because the camera on his current phone was so bad.

 

It takes him a moment to figure out what he’s supposed to be looking at and he blinks, zooming in on the upper right hand corner to enlarge the image. It’s a picture of Seongwoo and Hyeongseop sharing a massive stack of waffles with soft-serve ice cream and fruits on top. Jisung frowns, wondering why his friend has started stalking the couple. Hitting the back button returns the picture to its original size and he's about to message Jaehan back, asking him why he sent that picture when Jisung sees it.

 

At the bottom left corner of the picture, a familiar pink mop of hair can be spotted, heading towards the couple. Jisung stares at the picture in disbelief; he can feel his left eyebrow twitching in irritation as he closes his eyes, completely exasperated with the situation.

 

Grabbing the stack of handouts and tucking them under his left arm awkwardly, he tries to text while sprinting towards his lecture hall, narrowly avoiding an overly amorous couple making eyes at each other in the doorway as his fingers fly across his keyboard.

 

 

_Where is this?_

 

_Waffle House, the one near the Social Sciences building_

_Are you there right now?_

_Get him out of there!_

 

_Can’t, I have to meet my prof to go over my research project and I'm already running late  
_

_I think Taewoong’s class finishes around now though?_

 

Jisung crinkles his nose at the sight of Taewoong’s name; the other had yet to take any responsibility for the mess he left behind previously. He contemplates it for a moment before flipping over to his contact with a sigh.

 

At the very least, Jisung knew for sure that Taewoong was supportive of Seongwoo’s relationship with Daniel and wouldn’t stand by to let Daniel play human wrecking ball like this. Dialing Taewoong’s number, Jisung awkwardly opens the door to the lecture hall with his elbow, both hands occupied as they were, and shoulders it open. He nods at the Masters student that takes care of this section with him, drops off the stack of handouts on the podium, and then excuses himself quickly just as Taewoong pick up the phone.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hey, Taewoong, how far are you from the Waffle House? The one near the SocSci building.”

 

“What?” Taewoong sounds confused, “Hang on, I’m just getting out of my lecture now.”

 

Ducking into a small seating area by the windows that is thankfully empty at this time, Jisung waited impatiently for Taewoong to focus on their conversation.

 

“Sorry, what was that _hyung_?”

 

“I said, how far are you from the Waffle House near the SocSci block?”

 

“Ummm, like five minutes? Did you want something from there?” Taewoong responds, sounding more than little perturbed.

 

“I need you to get over there and remove Daniel from the premises. Like asap.”

 

“……did something happen? Is he okay? I’ll head over there now.”

 

“He’s not going to be when I’m done with him,” Jisung mutters threats under his breath, “Daniel’s supposed to be in class. Instead he’s crashing Seongwoo’s date with Hyeongseop. **Again**.”

 

“…fuck,” Taewoong breathes into the receiver and for a moment his cursing is obscured by static.

 

“Yeah, I know,” Jisung snaps back, less than amused and knowing he has to get back into the lecture hall before the professor showed up, “Look, this is him rushing in like a maniac and _you_ set him off last month with that whole ‘you can’t lose what you never had’ crap. Fix this mess, I have to run.”

 

Another rush of static lets Jisung know Taewoong is sighing heavily, “Yeah, okay, I’ll go and drag him out by his ear if I need to. I’ll keep you posted.”

 

“Okay, I’m counting on you. Talk to you later.”

 

Jisung hangs up with a groan, part of him wishing he could shirk his responsibilities to go knock some sense into Daniel’s head. Slapping himself lightly, he tried to shake off his funk, “Okay, Jisung, focus, lecture first, and then you can give that brat a piece of your mind.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Seongwoo stares as Taewoong suddenly popped out of the woodwork, announcing that there was an emergency that they needed Daniel for _right now_ and dragging him out the door without giving him a second to protest. Turning back to Hyeongseop who was also staring wide-eyed at the sight, he smiles sheepishly before reaching across the table to hold his boyfriend’s hand.

 

“Hyeongseopie-ah, I’m so sorry about this.”

 

Hyeongseop laughs, squeezing Seongwoo’s hand back, “It’s okay _hyung_ , I knew that you were popular. Your friends are very enthusiastic, Daniel _hyung_ especially.”

 

Seongwoo can see that Hyeongseop’s smile got a little tighter when he mentioned Daniel and he sighed, pulling his boyfriend’s hand across the table to press a quick kiss to his knuckles. “He can be a bit much sometimes, I apologize for my best friend. Next time, if him tagging along bothers you, just tell me and I’ll ask him to leave, okay?”

 

He watched as Hyeongseop nods hesitantly, playing with Seongwoo’s fingers as he opened his mouth and closed it again, as if holding something back.

 

Seongwoo pulls his hand back so that he can scoot his chair around the table until he’s seating next to Hyeongseop. He gathers the younger boy’s hands in between his own and looks at him earnestly, “Hey, what is it? Is there something wrong?”

 

Hyeongseop sighs a little, his sweet face wearing the expression of a reluctant puppy, “I don’t want to, just, it’s kind of….I know you guys are close. I don’t want to say anything that might make things weird. Between us, or between you guys.”

 

“Hey, hey,” Seongwoo fusses over the younger boy, pushing his bangs back with an encouraging smile, “You can tell me. It’s okay. If you don’t tell me, I can’t help fix the problem, right?”

 

His boyfriend ekes out a small smile in return, taking a deep breath to steel himself and letting it up while puffing up his cheeks cutely. Seongwoo chuckles to himself at the sight, nodding reassuringly when Hyeongseop turned to face him.

 

“ _Hyung,_ ” he starts off softly, playing with Seongwoo’s fingers again and dropping his gaze to his lap, “did you and Daniel _hyung_ use to date?”

 

Seongwoo freezes and fights to keeps his shock off his face at the unexpected question, “No, we never did. What makes you say that?”

 

Hyeongseop purses his lips a little before letting out another sigh, “It’s just that…the way Daniel _hyung_ has been acting……I don’t think he likes me being around much? And he seems…jealous? So I was wondering…and everyone says that you guys were dating, but then you asked me out so I figured they were just rumours. And in the beginning Daniel _hyung_ used to avoid me a lot, but now he’s always, well, he’s always here? And I just, I don’t know, I shouldn’t have said anything, I’m sorry for bringing it up.”

 

 _Jealous? Why would Daniel be jealous?_ Shaking the thought away, Seongwoo focuses on his nervous boyfriend who’s glancing up at him from under his lashes, lower lip caught between his lips.

 

“Hey, no, don’t apologize,” he soothes, scooting even closer until he can tuck the slighter boy against his side, “I’m glad you told me. We’re just friends, but Daniel, he – ah, I’ll talk to him okay? I don’t want him making you uncomfortable. If you aren’t okay with him inviting himself along, I’ll make sure it stops.”

 

Hyeongseop nods against Seongwoo’s shoulder. “Okay,” he whispers, “But _hyung_ ……”

 

“Yes?” Seongwoo prompts, “What is it?”

 

The younger boy looks up at Seongwoo, a calm almost resigned look on his face, “Did you know? You smile a lot more when Daniel _hyung_ is here.”

 

Now it’s Seongwoo’s turn to feel out of depth, he stares at Hyeongseop uncomprehendingly, wondering how things got to this point so suddenly. “What do you mean?” he croaks out.

 

“Just that you seem a lot happier with him than when you are with me,” Hyeongseop offers with a wry smile, “And I just, can we take a break?”

 

Seongwoo doesn’t know how to respond, hadn’t prepared himself for this being a possibility. Being honest, between trying to fix things with Daniel, trying to be a good boyfriend to Hyeongseop, keeping up his GPA with his graduation around the corner, and the increase of job offers in the last couple of weeks, Seongwoo has been stretched pretty thin. Physically, school and work were running him ragged, while Daniel and Hyeongseop’s needs were wearing him out emotionally.

 

Minhyun had taken one look at him last week and made an off-hand comment about how worn he was starting to look, which Seongwoo had tried to laugh off. His friend hadn’t been convinced at all and had enlisted Hyunbin to kidnap him after class, frog marching him over to his shared apartment where they had forcibly bundled him up until he ressembled a human burrito. Minki had drifted into the living room shortly, given off a little shriek at how deep his dark circles had gotten and then ran off, only to return shortly armed with eye masks and face masks that he piled onto Seongwoo’s face before pushing him down to take a nap on the couch.

 

The fact that Seongwoo had drifted off within a minute was telling of how exhausted he had been, and he hadn’t even stirred when Minki removed the sheet mask for him twenty minutes later. That nap on Minhyun and Minki’s lumpy coach had been the best he’d slept in a while and now he can feel all the fatigue he had been steadfastly ignoring coming back with a vengeance.

 

In the end he can only echo Hyeongseop’s words. “A break?”

 

Hyeongseop looks grateful that Seongwoo was finally responding and Seongwoo beats himself up a little over how long he must have zoned out for.

 

“Yes, just…I think we both need to figure out if this is the best thing for the both of us. Don’t get me wrong,” he rushes to explain, “I really like you _hyung_ , you’ve been great to me and I really want this to work out, but if the one you really want to be with isn’t me......”

 

Hyeongseop smiles but the expression looks so sad that Seongwoo can’t resist wrapping his arms around the younger boy, attempting to give any comfort he can. “Okay, okay,” he whispers into the other boy’s temple, “If that’s what you want. We’ll take a break. But Hyeongseopie-ah, I never ever ever meant to make you feel this way. To make you feel uncertain in our relationship. I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

 

“It’s okay _hyung_ ,” Hyeongseop’s laugh sounds as if it’s tinged by tears but Seongwoo is too scared to check if he really is crying, “I know you would never hurt me on purpose. But I do think that a break is best. Can we talk again in a week? Give each other some space and time to think about it?”

 

“Absolutely. Anything you want. And if there’s anything you need before that time, you call me, okay?”

 

“Thanks _hyung_. I will.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Hyeongseop squeezes Seongwoo back tightly before pulling away and pulling his jacket on, he keeps his head down, trying to hide the fact that his nose is red and his eyes are teary.

 

When he walked in here today for his date with Seongwoo, he had not been expecting it to end like this. But the doubts have been eating at him for a while now, and once he started talking he couldn’t stop.

 

He looks over to see the stunned expression still on Seongwoo’s face as his boyfriend (they were still boyfriends for now, right?) shrugs on his own jacket and pulls out his wallet, heading over to the counter to pay the bill. Half of their waffle stack still sits on the table, the melted ice cream turning it into a sad drooping mess sometime during their conversation. Neither of them had been in the mood to continue eating or salvage anything from the crumbling tower.

 

Part of Hyeongseop is proud that he had the courage to bring up this topic with Seongwoo _hyung_ , but part of him is sad because even though he had asked to take a break, it feels more like they’re just delaying an impending break up.

 

JungJung and Euiwoong have been beating him over the head about having enough self-respect not to be with someone who is in love with someone else for the past two weeks. He had been over the moon when Seongwoo had first asked him out after Minki and Hyunbin introduced them, having been admiring his _sunbae_ from afar for months now; it was like a dream come true. Hyeongseop wonders for a moment why self-respect is so hard; wouldn’t it be easier for him just to go along with this all and pretend?

 

But then again, he swallows, recalling that uncomfortable feeling building in his chest every time Daniel would invite himself on their dates and Seongwoo would just give him that hopelessly fond smile, eyes soft and tender in a way they never were when he looked at Hyeongseop. Then again, it really is for the best.

 

Seongwoo hadn’t even been able to give him a straight answer. He hadn’t told Hyeongseop that he was mistaken, that he isn’t happier with Daniel, that they didn’t need to take a break and that he would make it up to him however possible. Instead he had frozen, looking so shocked that Hyeongseop felt his heart twinge, already reading the hesitation and truth in Seongwoo’s eyes.

 

He walks over to Seongwoo’s side, giving him a timid grin and quick hug, “I’m going to head out, okay? I’ll see you in a week.”

 

Hyeongseop gives Seongwoo just enough time to nod and then heads out the door. Right now, he needed hot chocolate spiked with Baileys, pizza, and a good cry with JungJung and Euiwoong, and in a week?

 

Well, a lot can change in a week. Hyeongseop will just have to plan for the worst and hope for the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, am I glad to finally get this out. I was definitely in a bit of a funk after the finals ended in the mess that they did, but that Ongniel hug was beautiful @__@
> 
> Just a note that updates will probably slow down a bit as real-life kicks my ass for ignoring it for too long. Will be trying to keep updates at least weekly though!
> 
> Thank you again to all you lovely people for supporting and following this fic <3


	13. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and I.
> 
> YouandI.
> 
> You and I?

Seongwoo finds himself drifting towards Jonghyun’s apartment again.

 

Hyeongseop wanted to take a break. A break.

 

Because he feels like Seongwoo is happier when Daniel is around.

 

Because he thinks they need to take space to think about whether this is the best thing for the both of them to keep going forward as boyfriends.

 

Because Seongwoo has once again completely and utterly failed at getting over his feelings for Daniel and at not hurting someone he should have been protecting instead.

 

His feet led him unerringly towards his friends’ apartment even as his mind becomes a chaotic mess; he needs Jonghyun’s steady guidance, needs Minhyun’s advice, needs Dongho’s straightforward manner of cutting to the heart of things. Heck, at this point, Seongwoo would welcome Minki giving him hell for hurting Hyeongseop after all this time of trying to do exactly the opposite.

 

When he arrives at their doorstep, like always, Seongwoo doesn’t bother announcing himself, he just punches in the code to the door and waits for the whir of the lock before letting himself in.

 

Jonghyun and Minhyun are immobile, caught off guard mid-action, staring at him from the kitchen where they were roughhousing while preparing dinner. Or more accurately, Jonghyun was trying valiantly to go back to marinating the meat for tonight’s stir-fry and Minhyun had abandoned the vegetables he was supposed to be julienning in favour of trying to force-feed Jonghyun a random piece of lettuce he had ripped off.

 

“Seongwoo-ah,” Minhyun calls, taking the chance to shove the piece of lettuce into Jonghyun’s mouth while the latter was distracted by Seongwoo’s unexpected entrance, “Are you okay? You look pale.”

 

“Minhyun-ah, am I a bad boyfriend?”

 

Minhyun and Jonghyun turn towards each other simultaneously, a thousand unspoken words passing between them with a single glance. “What happened?” Jonghyun asks for the both of them.

 

Seongwoo kicks his shoes off and makes his way into the kitchen; there is just enough space in between Minhyun and Jonghyun for another body and he wedges himself into the gap, linking his arms through their’s and pulling them close so that he can lean into both his friends.

 

“Seongwoo-ah, I can’t do anything if you take my arm hostage like that,” Jonghyun complains while Minhyun just shrugs; he’d given up on that damn lettuce anyways.

 

“Don’t care,” Seongwoo declares, sticking his lip out in an exaggerated approximation of a petulant child.

 

“At least let me wash my hands,” Jonghyun holds up his hand, waving around fingers that were still sticky with the marinade, “I don’t want this to sink into my pores or I’m going to smell like garlic and soy sauce for days.”

 

Seongwoo reluctantly relinquishes Jonghyun’s arm, widening his eyes melodramatically at Minhyun to convey his reluctance. Minhyun just snorts, used to his dramatics, and drags Seongwoo towards the couch, “Come on, let’s just sit. I don’t think any cooking is going to get done.”

 

Jonghyun just shakes his head at their retreating forms, not bothering to dispute the truth and heading over to the sink so he could scrub his hands clean. He joins them on the couch, sticking an ice-cold, slightly damp hand down the back of Minhyun’s shirt in revenge for the force-feeding. Minhyun jumps, yelping before glaring at Jonghyun who just snickers to himself, settling down on Seongwoo’s other side and surrendering his arm to his friend.

 

“So,” Minhyun breaks the silence when it becomes obvious that Seongwoo wasn’t going to speak again otherwise, “What brought on that thought?”

 

Seongwoo keeps his silence for a moment longer, pulling his friends closer until he’s using them as a human blanket of some sort, hiding from the rest of the world behind their limbs. They wait out his hesitance with practiced ease; for someone who was so quick on his feet to come up with novel puns and ways to draw laughter from their group, Seongwoo has a tendency to become quiet and serious when it came to emotions, mulling everything over until he drives himself half-mad.

 

“I –” he breaks off for an instant, shifting his words around in his throat, “Daniel’s been inviting himself to a lot of my dates with Hyeongseop lately. Or he’ll hang around at home even when I _know_ he should be in class or had other things to do.”

 

“Yeah, we saw…” Jonghyun confessed, “We actually walked by Daniel crashing your date two weeks back? It took all three of us to drag Minki away from that restaurant. Did you talk to Daniel about this?”

 

“No?” Seongwoo lets out a frustrated sigh, thumping his head back into the couch, “He, he was…after that time I cancelled Wednesday night dinner on him, things got a little strained. I didn’t…I wanted him have the certainty that I wasn’t pulling away from him.”

 

“Let me guess,” Minhyun adds, “Hyeongseop brought it up today?”

 

“Yeah, he said that I looked happier with Daniel around? That he didn’t think I felt strongly enough for him. We’re, uh, we’re taking a break right now.”

 

It hurt to admit, like he was finally acknowledging how he had failed in more ways than one. As if sensing his thoughts, his friends shifted closer until he was practically being smothered by them; it was a pleasant sensation, grounding.

 

“Here’s what I think,” Jonghyun offers, “You weren’t ready to let go of Daniel, and people pushing you towards a relationship didn’t work out well.”

 

Minhyun opens his mouth to protest but snaps his jaw shut at the reproach in Jonghyun’s eyes, “No, don’t argue with me over this. You guys had good intentions, and that’s fine; it just wasn’t something that worked for Seongwoo. But Seongwoo-ah, that doesn’t make you a bad boyfriend. You just weren’t used to having to draw lines between yourself and Daniel, nor did you really want to.”

 

Seongwoo doesn’t answer, what does he have to say? Instead he lets Jonghyun’s insight permeate his skin, wondering if the reassurance will sink deep enough to ease the ache in his heart.

 

It doesn’t.

 

“Seongwoo-ah, you need to make a decision though. Either you decide not to let Daniel go and explain to Hyeongseob that you can’t be what he needs you to be, or you need to have a clear discussion with Daniel about proper boundaries in your relationship. Did Hyeongseob give you a deadline?”

 

“A week,” he whispers, “and I do like Hyeongseop, I do. But, it’s just, it’s _Daniel_. What am I supposed to do?”

  
  
Seongwoo says Daniel’s name like it those syllables alone explained everything. In a way, it did.

 

The past three years of Seongwoo’s life has revolved around Daniel; it was never Seongwoo and Daniel, but SeongwooandDaniel, a unit joined together so tightly, so seamlessly, they seemed more like one entity at times. There wasn’t a single accomplishment in Seongwoo’s life that Daniel hadn’t been there cheering him on for, and there wasn’t a moment in Daniel’s where Seongwoo wasn’t there to celebrate. Every stumble in Seongwoo’s life, Daniel was there to help him back up and dust him off; every time Daniel broke apart, Seongwoo had been there to patiently help put him back together again. Where does Seongwoo even begin to untangle himself from the other man when all of Daniel’s triumphs and distress had also become his own since so long ago?

 

“Then like before, you’ve always already known the answer.” The ‘ _you just didn’t want to admit it’_ remains unspoken, but acknowledged.

 

Seongwoo wants to pluck those words out of the air and throw them away even though he knows it wouldn’t make them any less true. Three years and it still comes down to this in the end. His heart aches, recalling the tears Hyeongseop had valiantly been trying to hide, the way he had hurt his boyfriend so badly without even realizing it that Hyeongseop had all but fled from his presence.

 

Just as he could hear the self-pity start eating him alive, Seongwoo’s phone rings and the jangly tune, a remix of some Bruno Mars song that Daniel had insisted suited him, resonates in the apartment. He groans, clenching Minhyun and Jonghyun’s arms closer until he must be cutting off their circulation. For a second he’s tempted not to pick up, but the thought that it might be an emergency stops him and he lets go of Minhyun’s arm to dig his phone out of his pocket.

 

Minhyun makes a huge show of shaking his arm out once out of Seongwoo’s grasp, and he sticks his tongue out at him while Jonghyun chuckles, gently easing his own arm out of Seongwoo’s hold despite the betrayed look his friend shoots him. It takes a second for him to register that the caller display shows his manager’s number before Seongwoo is scrambling to answer, standing up as was habit. He took a few steps away from the couch even though Minhyun and Jonghyun could still hear every word he said.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Seongwoo-ah, are you free tomorrow at 3pm?”

 

“Ah, yes, I’m free.”

 

“And you don’t have a schedule set during your winter break right?”

 

“No, there was a shoot that was being considered but nothing was confirmed.”

 

“Good, good!” his manager sounds delighted on the other end even though Seongwoo has no idea why it was a good thing that his schedule was empty, “Seongwoo-ah, come tomorrow ready for an audition; that short piece you had in your portfolio should be good, you still remember all the lines right?”

 

“Ah,” he floundered for a moment, glancing at his friends helplessly even though they couldn’t hear what his manager was saying, “Yes, I remember it. Manager _hyung_ , what’s this for?”

 

“Seongwoo-ah! This could be your lucky break! There’s a last-minute audition call for a supporting role in a primetime drama! The writer had to change the storyline mid-way through filming so it’s a rush order, but if you get the role, you play the friend of the protagonist’s younger brother. The director from your last CF recommended you or we couldn’t even have heard about this.”

 

“Oh. Oh! That’s, wow, that’s amazing. I, really!?”

 

Seongwoo is stumbling over his words, these kinds of opportunities weren’t things that just happened. He looks over at his friends who are mouthing questions, gesturing wildly, unsure how to convey the news.

 

“Yes, so you have to do well tomorrow, okay? Go to sleep early, don’t do anything risky that might get you injured, and then come early to the company tomorrow. I’ll see you tomorrow, Seongwoo! Don’t stay out too late!”

 

His manager hangs up and Seongwoo is left staring at his phone. No wonder the man had been over the moon; their company was a good one, but also relatively small. If Seongwoo could land this job and go well, it could boost their reputation substantially.

 

“Seongwoo-ah, what’s going on, it sounds like something good happened?”

 

Seongwoo turns towards his friends before running over and tackling them both into the couch, “I have an audition!”

 

“An audition?” Jonghyun’s words are muffled by the fabric of the couch but Seongwoo understands it regardless.

 

“Yes, for a, a part in a drama. It’s a small supporting role, but, guys, it’s for an actual role!” he’s beyond giddy, and once his friends piece together what he’s said, they’re dog piling him, shaking him and shouting about how they always knew he could make it.

 

Seongwoo just laughs, it’s just an audition, he doesn’t have any guarantee that he’ll land the role, but just being recognized, to be given this opportunity. He giddy with the possibilities; he needs to go home, he has to tell him family, he’s got to – he has to tell Daniel.

 

 _Daniel_.

 

The delight inside him dims, trickling away, his limbs slow until they ground to a halt. He tries to find his thoughts again, to retreat back into the ecstasy of his almost-triumph just a split second earlier but it’s gone from him now. Seongwoo wonders when he started to resent, by just the slightest most miniscule amount, how everything in his life seems to begin and end with Daniel.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“What the fuck did we just talk about earlier today?”

 

Daniel wilts at Jisung’s tone but very determinedly refuses to look in his direction. In fact, he has been avoiding Jisung’s gaze ever since he got home; Taewoong had dragged him over to their apartment where he could keep an eye on him but hadn’t managed to get a word out of their stubborn friend.

 

Jisung is just about done with this guilty puppy act; if he could, he’d shove Daniel’s face into his mess and force him to acknowledge it. Sadly, there is no literal pile of shit that he can force Daniel to confront, only the metaphorical kind from an emotionally compromised man-child that does much more damage than a puppy that isn’t housetrained.

 

“Kang Daniel, look at me when I’m talking to you.”

 

Jisung bites his tongue and forces himself to wait, putting all his anger and frustration into the weight of his stare, willing Daniel to uncurl from his position on the couch and face him properly. After a tense couple of minutes, Daniel finally shifts enough so that he looks at him and Jisung wonders if that’s why Jonghyun always uses this trick.

 

Instead he wills himself to remain calm and stern, repeating his earlier question, “Daniel. What did we just talk about this morning?”

 

Daniel sets his jaw mulishly and Jisung settles himself in for another waiting game. Or he would have if Taewoong didn’t come over and cuff Daniel on the back of his head.

 

“Ya! _Hyung!_ ”

 

Taewoong ignores Daniel’s protest, smacking him again until the younger cringed away with a whine, “I don’t have Jisung _hyung_ ’s patience when dealing with you. What the actual fuck do you think you are doing right now, Kang Daniel?”

 

Jisung winces; of the two of them, Taewoong was usually the calmer one, but he also had a much lower tolerance for bullshit. But seeing Taewoong worked up to this extend, Jisung realizes he underestimated how fond Taewoong was of Seongwoo.

 

Taewoong doesn’t wait for Daniel’s response, “You had class. You went from a conversation with _hyung_ where you promised not to try and ruin their relationship to directly trying to interfere with Seongwoo and Hyeongseop’s date. What on earth were you thinking? Are you trying to break them up like this, you miserable bastard? Answer me!”

 

Daniel is resolute in his silence, Taewoong is about to rage on when Jisung grabs him by the arm and shakes his head.

 

He can recognize all the signs of Daniel having already been lost to them, stolen by his inner turmoil, the convulsing thoughts in his mind. Jisung can read the thoughts behind the glassy sheen over Daniel’s eyes, the reluctance to admit fault despite knowing that he is wrong, how he wrestles with the unfamiliar concept of having to share Seongwoo with another person. The most prominent is as always a choking self-loathing and helplessness. Part of Jisung is tired of Daniel always reverting to playing the victim even as the other parts of him protest violently at his own insensitivity.

 

This is a Daniel who is drowning and frantically treading water. This is a Daniel who had never learnt how to love and then was spoiled by someone who moved Heaven, Earth, and mountains for the chance of a smile. This is a Daniel retreating from the world, running from the fact that his reality is shifting, only this time there is no safety net to catch him on the way down.

 

Jisung knows there is no use in trying to get Daniel to talk at times like this so he chooses instead to kneel in front of the couch, hands reaching up to cup Daniel’s jaw in his palms.

 

“Daniel-ah, two choices. Are you listening?”

 

He waits until the slightest hint of Daniel’s soul emerges again, a bit of light that flickers behind the haze, “One, you accept that you and Seongwoo are friends and nothing more. You stop tagging along or inviting yourself on dates. You apologize to Seongwoo and Hyeongseop and this **never** happens again.”

 

Daniel’s gaze bores into his now, sharp, fierce, and defiant; Jisung doesn’t flinch, doesn’t let himself look away any more than he allows Daniel to shift his attention elsewhere.

 

“Two,” he continues resolutely, “Two, you sit down and actually explain to Seongwoo the reason why you’ve been acting out. You tell him that what you want is more than friendship. You wait for and _respect_ his response.”

 

Jisung can hear as Daniel’s breaths come quicker, he’s straining against himself now, alien in his own body, emotions flickering across his face faster than Jisung can catch them. Taewoong is painfully silent behind them.

 

Daniel’s expression shutters between desperation and disbelief and Jisung wants to open his mouth and offer a third, painless option. Wants to tell Daniel that he can just go back to the way he used to be with Seongwoo but he doesn’t, he bites down on his tongue until it bleeds. Lets the copper tang of his lifeblood remind him that allowing them to revert back to that corrosive ouroboros will bring only temporary relief. It was no solution, only a deceitful, temporary stability and the illusion of a resolution.

 

Jisung holds Daniel’s face in his hands but it feels like he is holding his heart. The soft fluttering of Daniel’s pulse beneath his fingers feels like butterfly wings, the final frantic moments of its appendages beating before certain death.

 

He can see just how close to shattering his friend is again, and he prays that Daniel chooses right, prays that Seongwoo chooses Daniel even as he curses himself for putting the burden of Daniel’s brittle heart on Seongwoo. Seongwoo who has already strained in the last three years, Atlas upholding the weight of a single person’s entire world, always choosing Daniel even at the expense of himself.

 

He wonders if all the poets and romanticists ever knew how bitter a pill they were prescribing, or if they just sat back and laugh and laughed, watching everyone around them fall into uncertainty, toppling into an abyss without knowing if arms will reach out to catch them in the end.

 

They must have, they must have. But in the end it doesn’t matter. No poem or grand love story could provide instructions, a manual, a walkthrough. Jisung can only hold his friend close while Daniel wonders why he ever wanted to feel at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst galore, my god, what am I even doing? How have you guys not run for the hills yet?
> 
> As always, comments are 200% appreciated, thank you for the strength you all have given and continue to give me to keep on going with this fic <3
> 
> Ever Grateful,  
> TR


	14. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These words that will not come to me, are they worth your heart?

“ _Hyung,_ ” Daniel croaks after an eternity.

 

Lifetimes could have passed by in the silence that they all held, all of them subconsciously keeping even their breathing to inaudible levels, as if afraid the slightest sound would break the spell. The universe had rearranged itself in Daniel’s eyes, pieces slotting together to form a new picture, some unseen landscape that Jisung can only hope isn’t full of treacherous pitfalls.

 

And it must have been an eternity; Jisung can’t feel his legs at all, having stayed kneeling in front of the couch the entire time, waiting for Daniel to come to his answer. He tries to get up and then hisses in pain, the pins and needles prickling all over his legs has him collapsing back onto the floor. He barely manages to pull himself up onto the seat beside Daniel, shaking out his legs with a wince until the static starts to recede from his muscles.

 

Daniel reaches over without another word, massaging Jisung’s calves gently to help with blood flow, body language subdued and apologetic. Jisung pats Daniel’s hands with a sigh, shaking out his legs one more time while rubbing absentmindedly at his shins.

 

“You had a question?”

 

Daniel clears his throat awkwardly, casting his eyes helplessly at Taewoong who stares back impassively from his spot by the kitchen counter; he lasts all of five seconds before he breaks, coming over to sit on the couch and throwing an arm over Daniel’s shoulders so that he’s sandwiched between his two hyungs.

 

“Just say what you wanted to say Niel-ah. We’re past the point of judgment,” Taewoong breaks off with a snort, “I mean, yeah I’m judging you hardcore for this. But like openly judging you. Just say it so we can solve this mess already.”

 

Jisung rolls his eyes and reaches behind Daniel to shove at his roommate, “You’re terrible at pep talks, god, just stop talking already.”

 

Turning back to Daniel, Jisung gives him what Taewoong had helpfully coined as his ‘mom smile’, “Daniel-ah, what did you want to say?”

 

Daniel opens and closes his mouth a few times awkwardly, trying to drag out that elusive question that was hovering on the tip of his tongue. It takes him a few seconds and Taewoong rolls his eyes behind Daniel where he can’t see, Jisung fighting to keep his look encouraging while furtively jabbing his fingers into Taewoong’s side.

 

“ _Hyung_ , I think…I think I’m going to tell him,” Taewoong throws up his hands in silent victory, punching the air in his glee, “but how….how do I tell him that I love him?”

 

Jisung’s lips quirk up at the lost puppy look Daniel is wearing; it shouldn’t be endearing after all this but it is. “Just like that. Just tell him “I love you”, explanations can come afterwards.”

 

“But what if he doesn’t know that I mean it?!” Daniel flails, Taewoong ducks and barely dodges a hand to the face, “I say “I love you” all the time! How is he supposed to know that when I say ‘I love you’ this time, it’s something more? What if he thinks it’s a joke? What if I chicken out?”

 

“Okay, to be fair, you guys do throw that word around a lot,” Taewoong muses, “It’s not like you never meant it though, just that both of you chose not to acknowledge it? I think?”

 

“What do you mean both of us? What if he doesn’t love me back? What if he only sees me as a friend?!”

 

Jisung and Taewoong both snort in unison, “Niel-ah, there’s no way he only sees you as a friend. _No one_ looks at ‘just a friend’ like that.”

 

“You don’t know that!” Daniel insists, “He could be like that with all his best friends! Or he’s practicing his acting!”

 

“Oh my god,” Taewoong breathes under his breath, “I take back every compliment I ever gave him and every happy thought I had when he admitted it. What kind of bullshit excuses are these?!”

 

“Niel-ah,” Jisung calls, trying to choke back his laughter as Daniel starts pacing and taking in Taewoong’s incredulous expression, “Seongwoo is _not_ like that with all his friends. And no one’s practicing their acting all the time.”

 

“But he’s got Hyeongseop now! What do I do if he says he just wants to be friends?! Do I move? I’ll have to move. I’m going to have to switch schools. I can’t do this!” he wails, latching unto Jisung and shaking him back and forth, “He’s going to reject me. Or I’m going to say something that makes no sense. Then I’m going to drop out, and become an alcoholic bum who lives in a cardboard box on the sketchy side of town.”

 

“Daniel, oh god, calm down!” Jisung spins around and pins Daniel’s shoulder’s to the couch, “First of all, no, dropping out and becoming an alcoholic bum is not a solution to anything.”

 

“Wow, Jisung _hyung_ , that’s what you got out of all of that?” Taewoong says snidely.

 

“Shut up,” Jisung snaps, “Second of all, if you’re that worried about messing up your words, why don’t you write it down? Write him a letter, don’t text him, that’s not romantic at all, and tell him how you feel. And if, I mean _if_ he really does tell you he just wants to stay friends, then you’re going to have to respect that. But I’m telling you that’s not going to happen.”

 

Daniel slumps forward, “But if he says no…”

 

“Look,” Taewoong cuts in, “You’re never going to know if it’s a yes or a no if you never tell him. And I think the one thing we can _all_ agree on, after whatever the hell it is that you have been doing for the past few weeks, is that not knowing is no longer an option. I know it’s scary, the fears of _what if_ and all the ways it could go wrong, that you might lose your best friend. But Niel-ah, don’t let this be your biggest regret in life. If you can’t say it, write it down.”

 

They watch at the pink-haired boy sighs and hides his face in his hands, “I don’t think I can do this.”

 

“You can, and you will,” Jisung retorts, “Come on, I’ll get you pen and a paper. You can start drafting your letter.”

 

“Drafting?!” Daniel looks up in alarm, “ _hyung_ this isn’t a paper or a project!”

 

Jisung rolls his eyes, “There is no way you’re getting it right on the first try, so yes. Drafts.”

 

“I am moving in with you guys if this all goes wrong,” Daniel declares, rolling around on the couch until Taewoong is forced to sit on the armrest.

 

“As long as it’s not in my room, I don’t care,” Jisung shoots back, yelling so that he could be heard from his room, “You can grind your teeth all you want on the couch.”

 

“Ya, _hyung_ , why are you bringing that up again?!”

 

“I had to listen to your teeth grinding and nonsense mumbling for _years_ ,” Jisung stride back in, slamming the pen and pack of lined paper on the coffee table, “I am well within my rights to complain and hold that above your head forever.”

 

“Seongwoo never complains,” he grumbled, yelping when Jisung flicked his ear.

 

“And that is the ultimate proof that Seongwoo is also in love with you. Nothing short of love can allow a human being to put up with your weird ass sleeping habits.”

 

“It’s not that bad.”

 

“No, it’s worse, I’m absolutely sure it’s worse than you think it is because _you don’t have to listen to yourself_.”

 

“Just for that, I’m sleeping here tonight,” Daniel declares, grabbing a piece of paper and a pen, flopping down on the ground to write rather than using a table like a normal person, “On your floor. I’m going to grind my teeth right beside your bed all. night. long.”

 

Jisung narrows his eyes at Daniel who is staring at the piece of paper as if it just asked him to trade his soul for an improbable salvation. He looks up at Taewoong who has immediately reclaimed his seat on the couch, “Am I allowed to kick him out?”

 

“Nope,” Taewoong chirps gleefully, “You’re the one who declared our apartment a ‘safe space’, ergo, you can’t kick out a friend in need! Have fun listening to Niel grind his teeth and mumble about Seongwoo’s moles, I have an overnight shift today and I’m locking my room door. Which is a safe space for only me so you can’t stick him in there, nice try.”

 

“I hate all of you,” Jisung grinds out, “Mutiny! Betrayal! All of you are ungrateful and I’m buying you actual lumps of coal for Christmas.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever you say _hyung_ ,” Daniel responds, distracted, “Now come here and look at this, does it sound okay?”

 

“You literally have written five words,” Jisung deadpans.

 

“Just read it!”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Seongwoo ends up not getting to tell Daniel about the audition that night. He gets himself worked up to into such a jitter that Jonghyun ends up escorting him back to his apartment to pack an overnight bag, convincing him that staying the night at their place is a better idea.

 

“Stay with us tonight, no backing out,” Jonghyun insists while watching Seongwoo run around, shoving things into his black over the shoulder bag with practiced ease, “I don’t think you’re in a good place to talk to him about anything right now. Not right before this audition. If anything goes wrong, you’re going to be an absolute mess and that’s the last thing that you need right now.”

 

“I can’t avoid him forever,” Seongwoo points out hypocritically because, why yes, avoiding the topic together was actually what he had been intending to do.

 

“One night isn’t forever,” Jonghyun reasons, “Just let him know you’re staying with us tonight for something, and then after the audition, you can hash everything out with him.”

 

“And Hyeongseop?” Seongwoo asks, pulling a garment bag out of his closet to carefully store away his clothes for the audition, “What do I do about Hyeongseopie?”

 

“You mean how are you going to tell him that you can’t love him the way he deserves to be loved? Don’t deny it, you already have your mind made up. You made up your mind three years ago and never looked back.”

 

Seongwoo groans but doesn’t bother to refute his friend’s words, pouting as he zips up the garment bag and slings his overnight pack over his shoulder, “I feel like a villain, you know that? One that kicks puppies in their spare time and steal candy from children for fun. He’s so _pure_ , how could I do this to him?!”

 

Jonghyun throws an arm over Seongwoo’s shoulders and steers him towards the doors, “You didn’t mean to, it isn’t fair to him, yes, but you’re going to apologize and maybe make it up to him. Hyeongseop is young but he’s stronger than you think; he’s the one who confronted you about this after all, and I have it on good authority that he has a great support system even if his friends might be out for your blood for the next few months.”

 

“I’m going to need names. And faces. So I know who to avoid,” Seongwoo cries, “Oh god, I’m going to die aren’t I?”

 

“Naw, you’re not going to die,” Jonghyun snorts as they waited for the bus to come, “You know some of them though, at least in passing. They’re part of that giant group of kids Minki adopted this year.”

 

“You know, between Minki and Dongho always bringing strays home, I think you guys have like a dozen children.”

 

“Why do you think our doorbell broke? There are too many kids coming over all the time, jabbing their little demonic fingers into the button.”

 

“You say that like you’re complaining, but I know for a fact that you have joint custody for one of Dongho’s kids,” the taller man teases, “The foreign one, Guan-something?”

 

Jonghyun rolls his eyes but laughs good-naturedly, “His name is Guanlin. He’s a good kid, just needed some help with the language. But you should see his friend with Minhyun, oh my god, it’s hilarious; he sticks to Minhyun like a baby bonobo clings to his mother, and then Dongho pouts because he insists we stole his children from him.”

 

Seongwoo snickers, picturing the scene in his mind, “Now that I have to see.”

 

“You’re probably going to run into them sometime soon, don’t worry about it. And then with any luck, they’ll get attached to you too and you can join the family.”

 

“Who’s mom and who’s dad in this? Is there more than one mom and one dad?”

 

“You’re putting way too much thought into this,” Jonghyun laughed, hopping off the last step of the bus with Seongwoo’s garment bag in one hand.

 

“You’re the one who told me to take my mind off things,” Seongwoo shot back, “Fine, let’s talk about the food you’re going to treat me to after the audition then. I want meat!”

 

“Ya,” his friend complained, “Why am I treating you to food when you’re the one who’s going to get a nice paycheck?”

 

“I’m a nameless model who’s trying to get into acting with nothing more than a handful of CFs to my name, there will be no nice paycheck. But if there is, then I’ll treat you after I get paid. Before that though, I want steak!”

 

“The only meat you’re going to get is bulgolgi, if anything,” Jonghyun informs him drily, “But you can pay for that steak when you land the acting gig.”

 

Seongwoo gives a wistful sigh, “If I do get the role, I wouldn’t mind treating you at all.”

 

They push open the door to the apartment and Seongwoo stops to stare. Minhyun is sitting on the couch, a tall youth, all gangly limbs, is sitting in his lap, wrapped completely around him while nuzzling into his shoulder. Dongho is sitting at the dinning table though he lifts a hand in greeting, poring over a textbook with another boy who looks like he’s half asleep. Jonghyun starts snickering when Minhyun turns a long suffering look in their direction, his eyes silently screaming for help.

 

“I told you it was only a matter of time,” Jonghyun manages to say through his laughter, “Guanlin-ah, Seonho-ah, come say hello to Seongwoo! He’s your _hyung_ as well, same year as us.”

 

Guanlin stands up to bow, narrowly missing the edge of the table with his head, which sends Dongho scrambling to cover the edge with his hand, “Hello, my name is Lai Guanlin, first year student from Taiwan. Nice to meet you.”

 

His voice is deep for his age and his words are all slowly and carefully enunciated; his expression barely seems to change and he sits back down quickly when Seongwoo nods in return.

 

“Hi! I’m Yoo Seonho, also a first year! It’s nice to meet you, Seongwoo _hyung_ , please take care of us as well!”

 

Seonho doesn’t move from his spot in Minhyun’s lap the entire time, doing a little bow that pulls Minhyun along with a grunt as he refuses to let go of his hyung. Seongwoo nods back, not bothering to hide his chuckling even though Minhyun glares at both of them fiercely, “You were not kidding about the clinging, Jonghyun.”

 

“Nope,” Jonghyun chuckles as well, “No need to exaggerate when the reality is, well, this. Anyways, here’s a ready-made distraction! Guaranteed, one hundred percent; just wait until Minki gets home.”

 

“Hyunbin’s coming over too,” Minhyun announces, still trying and failing to pry Seonho off of him, “But don’t worry, we’ll kick them all out around ten so you can get your beauty sleep. Can’t have you showing up to your audition tomorrow with raccoon eyes.”

 

Seongwoo sniffs, dropping into the other couch as he sticks his nose in the air in a move reminiscent of Minki at his most diva-like moments, “I’ll have you know that this face can make even raccoon eyes look good.”

 

His friends snorted in unison, while the younger boys looked on, “Yes, sure, sure, but your manager couldn’t agree less so it’s ten pm cut-off time for everyone here.”

 

“You just want to send the puppy home,” Seongwoo teased flicking his eyes in Seonho’s direction, though the younger boy didn’t seem to notice, already back to staring adoringly at Minhyun’s face.

 

“How did you know,” Minhyun responds impassively, casting a mournful look at his completely numb legs, “How did you know.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Daniel was staring at his still mostly blank piece of paper, hoping that if he just stared long enough words would magically start writing themselves across the lines, when his phone vibrated. Grateful for a distraction, he quickly unlocked his screen, a smile creeping across his face when he saw Seongwoo’s name.

 

 

_Hey, staying over at Jonghyun’s tonight, they’re helping me rehearse_

_I have an audition tomorrow for a part in a drama!!!_

_My manager just called me today ^o^_

 

_Hyung, that’s amazing! Congratulations!!! <3_

 

_ㅋㅋㅋㅋ_ _thank you, thank you._

_I’ll see home tomorrow?_

 

_Yes, fighting!!!_

Too happy to keep the news to himself, Daniel leapt up and flopped down on an unsuspecting Jisung who choked, gasping for breath while trying to push Daniel off of him.

 

Unmindful of the fact, Daniel props himself up with a careless elbow digging into his hyung’s stomach, announcing gleefully, “Seongwoo has an audition for a drama!”

 

“That’s great,” Jisung wheezed painfully, “Now get off me, you’re crushing my organs.”

 

Grinning, Daniel rolls off his friend, bouncing up and down in his excitement, “I’m just so happy! Our Seongwoo is going to make his acting debut!”

 

“Wow, look at him, already calling Seongwoo ‘his’ when he hasn’t managed to write more than one line of his confession,” Taewoong remarked, wandering over with what had to be his fourth cup of coffee for the day.

 

Jisung eyed the mug warily, “Dude, you’re going to have to piss every half-hour if you keep drinking all that swill. And pass on my congratulations to Seongwoo, Niel-ah, I hope he gets the role.”

 

Taewoong just sticks his tongue out, chugging his cup in clear defiance, “Guess Niel’s really staying with us tonight then, no point in sending him home if his precious Seongwoo isn’t there. And by us, I mean you. Have fun with that, I’m off to work!”

 

They wave to Taewoong as he leaves, though Jisung couldn’t help glaring at the back of his head; just for once, he’d like someone else to come help him with the aftermath, thank you very much!

 

Instead he turns his attention back to Daniel who is now more than sufficiently distracted by Seongwoo’s text message. “Better finish that letter then, Niel,” he warns jokingly, “Or your Seongwoo’s going to meet and fall in love with some actor instead.”

 

The horrified look Daniel shoots him is almost worth the impending headache, but not quite. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding,” Jisung sighs, “Honestly, the day you two idiots get married, you’re going to pay all of us for making the wedding happen.”

 

Jisung’s comment on marriage just prompts Daniel to start spluttering, the tips of his ears turning as pink as his hair. “Ah, _hyung_ ,” he complained instead, “Help me finish this letter then, I’ll make you my best man!”

 

“You’re damn right I better be best man!” Jisung huffed, “And godfather to all your children. Now hand that blasted piece of paper over.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Seongwoo was jittery on the car ride back; the audition had gone as well as it could have but it had run much longer than he had anticipated it to. The exacting manner of the director and the constant squabbles between him and the writer had dragged out what was supposed to be a quick audition process to a five-day affair.

 

The character’s personality and role in the drama changed back and forth so quickly that Seongwoo’s head was spinning by the third day, although he had thankfully performed well enough to be called back for the final casting on the fifth day, along with three other hopefuls.

 

Now he was finally headed back home, though they were told that the final decision would be announced within the next two days and warned to keep his schedule open in the mean time as filming for certain scenes had the potential to be moved up. Even now, Seongwoo’s manager was on the phone with his university’s administrative office, asking for certain exceptions to be made for the courses he was taking in case the shoot did get moved up and clashed with his final examinations.

 

With the current marks he had, Seongwoo knew that he could still pass and graduate even if he skipped his exams, but he didn’t study so hard to end his final year on such a low note. Pulling out his phone, he scrolled through all twenty-one texts that Daniel had sent him while he was napping, smiling to himself as his best friend’s bubbly personality bled through every word.

 

Tapping out a response, Seongwoo couldn’t help but heave a sigh in relief. It seemed like things between him and Daniel were mostly back to normal now. All that was left was for Seongwoo to speak with Hyeongseop tomorrow and then…he shook his head vehemently, dispelling all the bad thoughts threatening to crowd around him again. No, best not to think about that part now.

 

 

 

_I’m almost home now!_

_Should be at the company by noon, just need to drop some stuff off_

 

 

_Finally!_

_I missed you :(_ _You said you’d only be gone a day  
_

_It’s been five!!!!_

 

 

_I know, I know, I’m sorry I left you alone in the apartment_

_Missed you too_

 

 

_You better have <_<_

_You’re not allowed to forget about me now that you’re famous_

 

 

_As if I could ever forget you_

_And it was just an audition!_

_Wednesday tonight, my treat?_

 

 

 _ㅋㅋㅋㅋ_ _Chicken!_

_And jajangmyeon!!_

_And ddeokbokki!!!_

 

 

_Wow, this kid_

_Are you trying to eat all my money???_

 

 

_But you said it was your treat hyung~_

_I want all three ^o^_

 

 

_You’re going to get fat_

 

 

_It’s okay, there’ll just be more of me for you to love_

_ㅋㅋㅋㅋ_

 

 

_I just threw up a little_

_How can you say these things with a straight face?_

 

 

_You say that like you’re not just as shameless, hyung~_

 

 

_No respect!_

_Fine then, I’ll just give the treats I brought back for you to someone else_

 

 

_Noooo_

_Hyung_ ㅠㅡㅠ

 

_Go focus on your lecture, I know you have class now_

  

_Fine, fine~_

_But the gifts are still mine!_

 

  _  
_

_Focus!_

  

Satisfied when Daniel no longer responded, hopefully actually, focusing on his studies, Seongwoo fought back his reluctance and typed out a quick message to Hyeonseop. If he put it off any longer, he was going to be tempted to put it off forever.

 

 

_Hey, are you free tomorrow for lunch?_

_Can we talk?_

 

 

Five nerve-wracking minutes past by before his phone ‘dings’ with a notification for Hyeongseop’s response. Seongwoo closes his eyes for a moment and steels himself for Hyeongseop’s reply, glancing at his manager to make sure he hadn’t disturbed the older man with his mostly silent dramatics.

 

 

 

_I have plans with Jungjung and Euiwoong tomorrow_

_If we’re just talking…can I just drop by your place around 1?_

 

  _  
_

Seongwoo exhaled forcefully; they both knew what was coming. Part of him was tempted to just end it over text message, but he knew that he owed Hyeongseop much more than that. A proper explanation, face to face, no matter how unconformable it made him feel was the absolute least that he could do. Had to do.

 

 

_Sure, if that works better for you_

_I’ll see you tomorrow then, take care_

 

_Thanks, you too hyung_

  

Seongwoo dropped his head backwards before leaning his forehead against the cold window. His breath fogged over the pane of glass quickly and he started doodling nonsense while staring out into traffic and the approaching city skyline. If he ignored it for long enough, perhaps he could convince himself that the churning in his stomach was just hunger and not his guilt clawing at his insides, ready to spew out for all the world to see.

 

He closed his eyes to world, as if his eyelids alone could shutter out all his earthly worries.

 

Breathe in.

 

Breath out.

 

 

In.

 

 

Out.

 

 

 

 

In.

 

 

 

 

Out.

 

 

 

Seongwoo’s eyes fall open again, fixating on the familiar horizon of his home beyond the misted over window. One step at a time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh. My god. This chapter fought me so hard, I'm so sorry if it's kind of awkward? I was re-writing parts of this over and over, urgh. Honestly, sorry for the mess guys, I'm going to go not look at this for a while now.


	15. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My heart, red in your hands.

By the time Seongwoo actually gets back to their apartment, he’s absolutely exhausted.

 

After entering the city, their car hit three different intersections they had to make a detour around, two being last-minute construction projects and one an unfortunate car accident. Once they finally got to the company, it’s closer to 3 pm than noon and Seongwoo was eager to say his goodbyes when his manager had gotten a message that their president wanted to see Seongwoo. What was supposed to be a quick stop to drop off a couple of bags and maybe sort out paper work ends up as the weirdest coffee-meeting thing ever, with the normally stern man being all smiles while indiscreetly appraising Seongwoo like one might a prized racing horse.

 

Seongwoo manages to escape after a tense forty minutes, only to be waylaid by all his coworkers on site, excited to hear about his audition. He manages to pacify them by handing over a large bag of sweets the area he visited was famous for and begging off, citing a bad headache and promising a much better recount of his audition in the future.

 

Which is how he finds himself finally trudging up the stairs of the apartment building at a quarter past five, hands weighed down by his travelling bag and Daniel’s requests. Looking down at the plastic bags containing fried chicken, jajangmyeon and ddeokbokki, Seongwoo snorts to himself and sighs; he really shouldn’t have gotten all three.

 

Dropping the bags on the floor to fish out his keys, he struggles for a moment before he gets the door open, scooping up the bags again and kicking the door closed behind him. As if summoned by the sound of the door closing and the smell of take-out, Daniel skids into view within seconds, sliding towards Seongwoo on socked feet, not even trying to stop in time. The younger man crashes headlong into Seongwoo, an excited grin on his face even as his momentum pins the both of them against the front door.

 

“Oof!”

 

“ _Hyung_! You’re finally home,” Daniel chirps, already clinging to Seongwoo and content to ignore the fact that he’s crushing his friend against the door.

 

“Niel-ah,” Seongwoo tries to sound stern but he can’t, he can’t even hang on to how annoyed he feels with the doorknob digging into his back, “Let me up so I can put everything down.”

 

“Don’t wanna,” Daniel whines, squeezing his arms even tighter around Seongwoo and burrowing his face into the crook of Seongwoo’s neck, “Just got you back.”

 

Seongwoo opens his mouth to complain but falls silent when he takes in how tense Daniel is and how he’s breathing in the scent of Seongwoo’s cologne as if it could replace his need for oxygen. So he lets Daniel take the time he needs, trying very hard not to react to how his friend is pressed against him until there’s no space between them at all, focusing instead on how the doorknob is leaving a permanent imprint in his back and the plastic bags are cutting off circulation to his fingers.

 

A few moments later, Daniel finally pulls back, reaching over to take Seongwoo’s bags from him and setting the food on the counter, before running to drop off the bag of clothing in Seongwoo’s room. He’s back before Seongwoo has even managed to put his shoes away, taking Seongwoo’s hands between his and hissing at sympathy at the bright red ridges the bags had half-cut into his fingers.

 

Seongwo gulps as Daniel rubs at his fingers to help drive away the pinpricks, pressing a kiss to each of his hyung’s fingers in apology, “Sorry, I should have let you put them down first.”

 

Seongwoo pulls his hands back gingerly, fingertips tingling more from Daniel’s lips than anything else, and shoves them into his pockets self-consciously. He clears his throat and gestures towards the bags of take-out, “Don’t worry about it, should we eat?”

 

“Oh, yes!” Daniel bounces over to peer into the bags before crowing in triumph, “Yes! You got them all, I love you, _hyung_!”

 

Seongwoo rolls his eyes and pretends to gripe, “That’s all I’m good for? Free food?”

 

It’s a casual comment, one that he’s made a thousand times before when he teases Daniel for ordering exorbitant amounts of food on Seongwoo’s dime; Seongwoo doesn’t actually mind, he likes spoiling Daniel even though he pretends he doesn’t know he’s doing it when their friends call him out. Yet Daniel drops the bags back onto counter like he’s been scalded and is clutching Seongwoo’s hands again in an instant.

 

“You know that’s not true, right _hyung_?”

 

Daniel’s words seem to be tinged by something just shy of desperation and yet at least two shades darker than any insecurity he’s carried before. His eyes are solemn and there’s no hint of any smile on his face to offset his unusually serious expression. Seongwoo can only nod helplessly as Daniel’s fingers dig into his wrists, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in when the younger man releases him with a slow nod to return to sorting out their meal.

 

They eat curled up against each other on the couch, an episode of some drama that neither of them are really paying any attention to playing on the television. Daniel insists on feeding Seongwoo bites of his fried chicken, laughing as he ‘accidentally’ smears sauce on Seongwoo’s cheek, and Seongwoo retaliates by getting sauce on Daniel’s nose when the younger pouts until Seongwoo feeds him jajangmyeon from his chopsticks. Seongwoo wipes it off with his thumb and then casually licks it off his finger, glancing around for a napkin and missing the intense stare Daniel directs at the digit caught between Seongwoo’s lips.

 

Both of them still have to wash their face by the time that dinner is over and, just like Seongwoo predicted, there’s food left over despite Daniel’s best efforts to stuff himself. They pack everything away and clean up in practiced motions, Seongwoo grabbing their clean Tupperware containers while Daniel starts dumping all the empty boxes into the trash and wiping down the table. Between the two of them, they’re done in under ten minutes and Daniel is quick to tug Seongwoo back onto the couch with him, throwing his muscled legs over Seongwoo’s lap to keep his hyung close.

 

“Ya, Kang Daniel,” Seongwoo tries to stand up but fails when Daniel scoots himself forward until he’s sitting in Seongwoo’s lap entirely, “I need to shower, get off.”

 

“Ah, _hyung_ , can’t we just rest for a bit? I already showered when I got home.”

 

Seongwoo tsks and pokes him in the forehead with his pointer finger, “You can rest, I want to shower. Hotels always make me feel weird.”

 

Daniel pouts but then rolls off Seongwoo with a sigh; he knows Seongwoo always looks forward to a shower a home when he’s back. “Hurry back,” he implores instead, only satisfied when Seongwoo make an affirmative noise even though he’s rolling his eyes at Daniel’s antics again.

 

The sound of the shower running prompts Daniel to groan and bury his face in his hands. The knowledge of the letter that’s sitting on the desk in his room burns like a brand in his mind; can he really do this? All night he had been distracted by Seongwoo, drunk off his presence and basking in the fact that not only was Seongwoo back, but his undivided attention was on Daniel.

 

It was petty but Daniel felt more than a small thrill from the fact that Seongwoo hadn’t checked his phone for a text message from Hyeongseop once the entire time they were together tonight. Glancing at his own bedroom, Daniel shakes his head, getting up with a stretch and heading to Seongwoo’s room instead. He pauses outside his room, stepping inside to change into his pajamas quickly and nab his pillow. Daniel stares at the innocent looking envelope on his desk with trepidation before closing the door firmly – tomorrow, he would give it to Seongwoo tomorrow.

 

He settles himself onto Seongwoo’s bed, claiming ‘his spot’, an argument already prepared for why Seeongwoo should let him stay the night. Hugging his pillow to his chest, Daniel frowns when it feels like something is missing, pulling his roommate’s pillow close instead and inhaling the familiar scent while he waits for Seongwoo to finish up in the washroom.

 

One more night. Let him have just one more night. At least for tonight, he wanted things to stay the way they were.

 

* * *

 

 

It’s a rare instance where Seongwoo wakes without Daniel wrapped around him after he wheedled his way into Seongwoo’s bed.

 

The lack of Daniel’s familiar weight and warmth sends a pang of loss through him; Daniel rarely, if ever, will get out of bed when Seongwoo’s still sleeping unless he has class. More than once, Seongwoo had to bite back a scream upon waking to the sight of Daniel watching him sleep, face much too close to Seongwoo’s for comfort. Daniel would just smile as if it’s totally normal to watch someone sleep, chin propped on Seongwoo’s chest with a grin until Seongwoo can’t even stay annoyed at him.

 

Fumbling for his phone on the bedside table, Seongwoo sits up with a gasp, it’s twelve fifteen already, how did he sleep this long?!

 

There are three text messages from Daniel, Seongwoo taps on the notification, reading them while stumbling to the washroom.

 

 

_Hey hyung, you look exhausted so I decided to let you sleep in_

_You never sleep enough!_

 

_I left you lunch in the fridge and there’s something I wanted to tell you for a while now._

 

_There’s a letter on your desk…take your time giving me your answer, okay?_

 

Seongwoo frowns around his toothbrush, a letter? Spitting out the toothpaste foam and rinsing out his mouth, he rushes through the rest of his morning routine. His face wash is still packed away in his luggage, so Seongwoo just nabs some of Daniel’s, stealing the younger man’s toner and moisturizer as well just for convenience sake.

 

Exiting their washroom, Seongwoo takes in the stillness of their shared apartment, only the sounds of passing traffic filtering up from the streets exert any influence of the outside world. A fanciful part of Seongwoo wonders whether he can’t just escape and hide from everything here, nothing but their sanctuary. Glancing at the clock in the living room, he snorts to himself; half-past twelve. Thirty minutes then, hiding from everything was only wishful thinking.

 

Just like Daniel promised, there’s a plate of kimchi fried rice in the fridge under saran wrap, a post-it with a hastily drawn emoticon on it that draws a smile from Seongwoo.

 

Popping the plate into the microwave, he heads back to his room to change into something a bit more put together for when Hyeongseob shows up for their _talk_. He ends up throwing on slacks and a navy button-up Daniel had bought for him a while back, the material is silky soft and he remembers teasing Daniel about buying it just so he has something nice to rub his face against when he clings to Seongwoo.

 

Deciding he looks more than decent, he’s about to leave and enjoy his premade lunch when he catches sight of something white on his desk. An envelope, no name is written on the front, sits right under his desk lamp, propped up against the base of it.

 

Seongwoo tries to think of whether an important event was coming up that he forgot, or whether there’s instructions for some convoluted scavenger hunt like the one Daniel had set up for no reason at all a year ago awaiting him. It is Christmas soon, he muses, perhaps there are tickets to some location or random train stop that Daniel wants to visit during their holidays?

 

Opening the envelope, he finds only a piece of stationary too nice to be anything Daniel would own. The younger boy relies on paper he rips out of other people’s notebooks on most days, fingering the corner, Seongwoo would bet good money that this was taken from Jisung hyung’s supplies.

 

Curious, he unfolds it while sitting down to eat.

 

 

_Seongwoo hyung,_

_I’m not sure how to put this into words. There was another letter that Jisung hyung helped me with that probably makes more sense, but it didn’t feel right so I wrote this one instead._

_Thank you for being there for me in these past three, four years. I honestly don’t know where I would be, or what kind of a person I would be like without having you in my life. You make me better in every way, and I wouldn't be who am I today without you._

_I also wanted to say that I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to put you in a difficult position with Hyeongseop. I just wasn’t used to you having someone else in your life. It’s selfish, I know, but I wanted to be your priority. I still want to be the priority in your life._

_I know you’re in a relationship now, and I know that I don’t have a right to ask this of you. I don’t even know what’s going to happen after I tell you this, but everyone’s right, I need to let you know and what I’ve been doing up to this point wasn’t fair to you._

_Ong Seongwoo, I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you for years now but I never said anything because I’m a coward who didn’t want to lose you._

_Are you shocked? I’m sorry to put this burden on you too. But, if you feel anything for me at all, ah, I don’t know, just. I hope I’m not going to lose you._

_If you need time and space, just let me know, I’m not going to push, I promise. Just please don’t avoid me for too long._

_Your’s,_

_Daniel_

 

Seongwoo stares at the letter in his hands. Daniel. What.

 

He traces the words again with his eyes, thrice, four times.

 

_I’m in love with you._

 

They don’t change.

 

For years, Daniel had written. Seongwoo feels a hysterical laugh bubble up in his throat. They’re fools the both of them, absolute fools. He feels like he can fly in this moment, wants to throw down everything and run to Daniel in that instant. He pulls out his phone, thumb already dialing when the doorbell rings.

 

Seongwoo pauses. Hyeongseop. Shit.

 

He folds up the letter and shoves it into his back pocket, hurrying to open the door. Hyeongseop stands there smiling, looking as awkward as Seongwoo feels right now, “Hi _hyung_.”

 

“Hey,” Seongwoo wipes suddenly sweaty palms on his this pants, hesitating before hugging Hyeongseop quickly, “Come in, sorry I was just eating lunch.”

 

“No worries…you, wanted to talk?”

 

“Ah, yes, you want to sit? Tea? Water?”

 

Hyeongseop smiles at Seongwoo scrambling for some semblance of normality. " _Hyung_ ," he cuts in gently, "I don't think we need to drag this out, do we?" 

 

Seongwoo freezes and then sighs, shoulders slumping as he turns to face his boyfriend. "Only a few months and you can already read me so well. Am I just that transparent?"

 

Hyeongseop shakes his head and laughs lowly, "No, just, I think we both walked away last week with expectations already. I don't think anything in the last week changed those, it just gave us time to put everything into perspective. I like you, Seongwoo _hyung_ , but I'm not in love yet. And I don't think you have enough room in your heart to really fall in love with me."

 

Seongwoo wishes he could refute Hyeongseop's words or soften them, but there's nothing he can deny. He's filled his heart to the brim with Daniel years ago, and any hope of him letting go, any hope of a rope pulling him out burned to dust with five simple words etched into his mind as of three minutes ago. 

 

"I'm sorry," he finds himself saying, wondering when he started to sound like a broken record, "I didn't mean to..."

 

Hyeongseop raises a hand to cut him off, " _Hyung_ , it's okay. You don't need to apologize, I've come to terms with this and the time we had together is something I'll treasure."

 

Seongwoo sigh and nods, sheepish, "Okay. I really did like you though, Hyeongseopie-ah. I'm glad you don't...don't regret what we had. Is there anything...anything that I can do to make it up to you? "

 

Hyeongseop stares at him considering, the corner of his lips quirk up and he ducks his head with a short cough. The apples of his cheeks are flushed becomingly and he mumbles out his request, "Actually....."

 

"Yes?" Seongwoo prompts, peering at the shorter male. 

 

"A kiss?" Hyeongseop squeaks out, "One last kiss, and then we part as friends."

 

Seongwoo laughs low, flashing the blushing man his most dashing grin, more than willing to play the part for him. "Come here," he croons, reaching to tug Hyeongseop towards him, wrapping an arm easily around his waist. 

 

Hyeongseop comes easily, leaning into the hand that Seeongwoo lifts to cup his cheek. The older leans down slowly, carefully slotting their lips together with a pleased hum as Hyeongseop clutches at the lapels of his shirt and presses closer eagerly. 

 

Neither of them hear the door opening. 

 

Neither of them hear the pained gasp as it closes either. 

 

* * *

 

 

Daniel curses as he bound up the stairs, of all days to forget his change of clothes at home it had to be today. He's running late after self-imposed practice in the studio, but he doesn't want to sit through two three-hour lectures with sweaty clothes stuck to him, drying ice cold to his skin from the winter breeze. 

 

Unlocking the door quietly in case Seongwoo is still sleeping, he eases the door open and freezes. 

 

Seongwoo has Hyeongseop wrapped in his arms, the slighter male is clinging to him in a passionate embrace, lips locked together like something straight out of Daniel's worst nightmares. But what steals the air from his lungs in the familiar piece of paper peeking out from Seongwoo's back pocket. 

 

Seongwoo read it. He read the letter. He's kissing Hyeongseob. Seongwoo read the letter but he's still kissing Hyeongseop.

 

Daniel closes the door, choking back a sob. This is his answer then. Seongwoo's already chosen and the choice isn't Daniel, won't be Daniel, could never be Daniel. 

 

He took that chance, took the plunge and put his heart on the chopping block, now he's bleeding red everywhere and the edges of his vision is swimming in black. Nothing is ever his to keep, no one will ever be his; Daniel will never be anyone's choice and no one good will ever stay. 

 

Not even Ong Seongwoo.

 

Daniel turns and does what he does best. He runs. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I actually have no idea how long this is. I'm out of town for the weekend and actually finished this chapter on my phone since I don't have to drive right now. Sorry if there's more typos than usual! 
> 
> See you guys next chapter <3 -runsbeforeanyonecanstabherforthischapter-


	16. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When there are no spaces left between us, how do these doubts still linger in-between?

Halfway through his lecture, Seongwoo’s phone starts buzzing against his leg.

 

Seongwoo has been distracted all day, a certain letter and five arresting word swimming around his mind constantly. He pulls it out discreetly, glancing at the screen and frowning at Jaehwan’s name; the younger boy wasn’t the type to send text messages, preferring to call usually as ‘cut down on the waiting and back and forth bullshit’ when making plans. He pulls up the two messages, hiding his phone partially underneath his notebook and making sure to angle his hand so that his professor won’t see the glow of the cell phone screen.

 

 

_Niel didn’t show up to class, did he say anything about it?_

_Call me._

 

Seongwoo frowns; Daniel hadn’t mentioned anything about missing his classes, and even if the younger had moments where he would slack off and not take his studies that seriously, he would never do anything to jeopardize his grades with finals literally being next week. He checks his messages to make sure he hasn’t missed anything from Daniel that would account for his absence. Nothing.

 

When the professor dims the lights and pulls up footage from a film they were supposed to analyze for their final assignment, Seongwoo carefully notes down the segment they were to watch and slips out of the room, phone in hand.

 

The hallways are blessedly empty and Seongwoo dials Jaehwan’s number quickly, waiting for his friend to pick up.

 

“Yo,” Jaehwan answers lazily.

 

“What’s going on?”

 

Jaehwan’s sigh makes static cut across any further words Seongwoo was about to say, “That’s what I wanted to ask you. Daniel and I have two classes together today and he didn’t show for either of them. I called Jisung to ask if Dan passed out at his place after practice or something, but he’s not there. Normally I wouldn’t bother you over this, but Jisung sounded _really_ suspicious when I made an off-hand comment about how maybe you would know. Like ‘voice went up two octaves within the same sentence’ suspicious.”

 

Seongwoo gulps, hoping the sound isn’t audible over the phone. He’s pretty much a hundred percent certain that Jisung was on edge because of the letter he’d ‘helped’ Daniel write, which means Jisung thought something happened and now Daniel was hiding or something.

 

“You know something,” Jaehwan says accusingly and Seongwoo curses internally for how long he’s stayed silent.

 

Long dramatic silences are the most incriminating and the worst to cover up, and honestly, Seongwoo doesn’t even want to bother trying to hide it at this point. If Jisung knew then everyone was bound to know eventually, and there hadn’t been many secrets between their friends when it came to what everyone thought about Seongwoo and Daniel’s ‘relationship’ for years now.

 

“Niel, uh, he kind of confessed,” Seongwoo admits reluctantly, voice low and glancing around to make sure there wasn’t anyone else around, “But it wasn’t in person; he left me a letter that I read earlier today. I haven’t seen him since last night.”

 

“Fucking finally,” Jaehwan groans, “Urgh, he’s probably just hiding out because he’s nervous and somehow doesn’t know you’ve been heels over head for him for years now. God, you two are complete morons, I swear.”

 

Seongwoo snorts, unable to refute his friend’s words, “I’m pretty sure you meant ‘head over heels’. Who knew even Kim Jaehwan got things wrong sometimes.”

 

“Nope, I meant what I said. Heels over head, as in you fell for him so hard you’re completely upside down and still happy with all the blood rushing to your head.”

 

“That makes no sense!” Seongwoo complains, “Okay, I need to get back to class, I’ll talk to Niel tonight, sorry you guys got worried about this.”

 

“Pfft, just go. If you guys had to apologize, you’d have _years_ to repent for. Just do your part and confess already. Kang Daniel made the first move, who would have thought?”

 

“Yeah, yeah. Alright, talk to you later, thanks Jaehwan.”

 

“See you.”

 

Seongwoo hangs up and shoves the phone back into the pocket of his hoodie. Peeking into the lecture hall, he’s glad to note the scene is still playing and he’s able to sneak back into his seat without. He’ll find Daniel and talk to him as soon as class ends, Seongwoo decides, giddiness building up in his stomach and fluttering outwards to cascade through every nerve in his body.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Seongwoo doesn’t talk to Daniel after class.

 

He doesn’t talk to Daniel because Daniel’s not at home, not at Jisung’s, not in the practice room, and no one knows where he is. Seongwoo has called him at least ten times and sent twice as many increasingly desperate text messages with no response. Seongwoo’s mind is flashing through every single terrible possibility and drama cliché the longer time ticks by without a response from Daniel or any news on where he is.

 

Maybe Daniel got mugged and beaten up and is lying, bleeding and helpless somewhere in an alleyway waiting for Seongwoo to come help him.

 

Maybe Daniel was so nervous he’d tripped and then fallen down the stairs, hit his head, and now has amnesia and doesn’t remember who Seongwoo is at all.

 

Maybe Daniel was so distracted he’d walked into traffic without looking and got hit by a bus and was now in the hospital, on life support and barely hanging on while Seongwoo wastes his time pacing around their empty living room.

 

Seongwoo dropped into the couch and sighed heavily, letting his head fall back and gravity take hold, pulling heavy limbs down. The side effect of being a Performance Arts student with a focus on acting, is that Seongwoo is intimately familiar with every trope out there and it shows in how ridiculous his train of thoughts become sometimes.

 

Jisung had tried to cut through the nonsense running through Seongwoo’s mind and reassure him that Daniel was probably just very high strung about the whole confession, that he’d be home soon, and not to worry while shifting nervously himself. But it’s nearly midnight now and Daniel still wasn’t home, still hadn’t returned a single message or call and Seongwoo doesn’t know whether to comb the entire town looking for Daniel and risk missing his return, or staying put to wear the floorboards down to nothing with his pacing.

 

Just when the ticking of the clock is about to drive Seongwoo mad, his phone lights up, buzzing on the coffee table and Seongwoo almost trips over his own legs in his haste to pick it up. Daniel’s name lights up the screen and he quickly accepts the call.

 

“Niel-ah! Where have you been?”

 

“Umm, hello?” a stranger’s voice filters through and Seongwoo freezes, balking (did his outlandish fears come to be after all?), “Is this Ong Seongwoo-ssi?”

 

“Yes, it is,” he manages to spit out, heart in his throat, “Did you, did you find this phone? Or did-did something happen to the owner of this phone?”

 

“Oh, no, sorry to scare you. My name is Noh Taehyun, I’m a bartender at ‘Hypnotic’. Your friend is passed out drunk right now, and your number was the first one that came up. Can you come get him? The bouncer was going to throw him out but he’s not really causing anyone trouble so I dragged him into the backroom instead.”

 

“Yes, yes, I’ll be right there,” Seongwoo trips into shoes, struggling into his jacket and snagging a scarf on his way out the door, barely remembering to shove his keys into his pocket, “Hypnotic, that’s the club in the east end, on Dong-ji Ro, right?”

 

“Yeah, just come around back and tell the bouncer Taehyun asked you to come pick up your friend. Thanks man, see you in a few!”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Daniel wanders around in a daze, no motivation to go to class whatsoever, stumbling around town with no clear destination in mind. Before he knows it, night had fallen and he’s in the clubbing district.

 

One thing was for sure though; he couldn’t go home right now, not like this. At some point, he’d bought himself a six-pack of some on-sale import beer he’s never heard of from a convenience store and sat down at some random curb, chugging three of them in quick secession. He even gives away a bottle to a guy who’d asked, someone with an impressive beard that he’s not sure is homeless or just a hipster. _Maybe I am going to end up as an alcoholic bum living out of a cardboard box,_ he thinks to himself hysterically, recalling his babbling to Jisung _hyung_ earlier this week.

 

“Hey,” a figure dressed in a black hoodie and ripped jeans sits down next to him, “You got a light, man?”

 

Daniel shakes his head wordlessly, taking another swig of his beer. The guy who’s sitting next to him looks him up and down and then smirks, “What’s wrong, man, girlfriend break up with you? Cheat on you with a friend?”

 

Daniel snorts, shaking his head. If only it was that simple. He looks mournfully at his empty beer and reaches for the last one when the stranger intercepts his hand, “Hey man, don’t just mope here like this. I promise you, she’s not worth it; all those bitches are the same once you get them in bed. Come on, why don’t you come with me and I’ll help you get your mind off things?”

 

Daniel had stared at the stranger, that smirking face oddly compelling in his tipsy state. The stranger gets to his feet and dusts off his jeans, holding out a hand to him, “Come on, whatd’ya say? We’ll find you someone, a distraction.”

 

 _What’s the harm?_ A voice in his foggy mind whispers, and the devil was always persuasive so Daniel finds himself putting his hand in this stranger’s, this stranger with an oddly charming near permanent sneer on his face, and whom pulls him to his feet with a grunt of effort.

 

“I’m Ha Minho. What’s your name man?” he asks, throwing an arm casually over Daniel’s shoulder and steering him down the street.

 

“Kang Daniel,” he croaks, walking away from his final beer without a single glance.

 

“Well, Daniel, I promise that by the end of tonight, you’ll have forgotten about the name of whoever put you into this funk.”

 

Daniel isn’t sure how he ended up in a club after that, it certainly wasn’t where he’d expected to end up tonight. He just remembers Minho steering him through a couple of dark alleyways, and them by-passing the line up because Minho knew one of the staff and then it was deafening music and a pulsing bass that thrums in his bones. For a Thursday night, there’s an unexpectedly large crowd, but apparently there’s some event, and well, it’s a university town, there was always people looking to party even on weekdays.

 

Daniel doesn’t think too much into it. He lets Minho talk him into buying several rounds of shots, downing them and letting the burn race down his throat as his companion urges him on with a callous laugh. Then he’s on the dance floor and there are sweaty strangers pressed against him from all sides; he loses his jacket at some point and at least three people have groped him underneath the workout tank he never had a chance to change out of.

 

His head is spinning when Minho drags them into the midst of a bunch of scantily clad girls who are barely steady on their five inch heels, and Daniel finds himself buying everyone drinks again at Minho’s prompting to the happy cheers of the intoxicated group. Daniel doesn’t remember the last time he drank this much, in fact, he’s pretty sure he’s way over his usual limit and it shows in how the room’s spinning. Everything is blurry and the lights and sounds are too loud, yet oddly muffled.

 

He finds himself face down in a corner of the bar, Minho is off somewhere with the last round of drinks Daniel paid for, and he's left wondering if he’s going to drown in the two millimeter puddle made of melting ice and spilled drinks.

 

A hand shakes his shoulder and a concerned face swims into view, “Hey man, you okay?”

 

Daniel mumbles an answer but it must have been nonsense given the way the other person frowns, “Shit man, I should have cut you off an hour ago.”

 

“Problem here, Taehyun?”

 

“Naw, we’re fine here Dongsu _hyung_ , he’s just had a bit too much.”

 

“You want me to take care of him?”

 

“No, it’s fine, his _friend_ left him here to hook up with someone. I’ll just stick him in the back room and call someone to come get him.”

 

Their conversation continues above Daniel’s head until he feels two sets of hands dragging him away from the counter and pulling him down a hallway. Daniel stumbles between them, glad when they finally deposit him on something soft.

 

“Hey,” the first voice asks gently, “You have someone we can call to come get you?”

 

 _Seongwoo_ , Daniel thinks, _he wants Seongwoo._ But he can’t get the words out so he just struggles to pull his phone out of his back pocket, thankful that it’s still there. It takes him three tries to unlock it, and then he almost drops it and the kind stranger takes it from him. “I’ll make the call for you, okay? Is there anyone in particular?”

 

“O-Ong,” Daniel slurs out, slumped over in his seat.

 

“Hong? Oh wait, Ong. Wow you have a lot of missed calls from them buddy, looks like your friend is worried about you. Hang on, okay? I’ll let them know to come get you and I’ll get you some water so you can sober up.”

 

Daniel nods weakly, wincing when the motion sends everything spinning around him again. Wherever they are, the music is less intense and there are no flashing lights, so Daniel is grateful to just wait. The voice had said Seongwoo was going to come for him; Daniel lets his eyes fall shut.

 

When he comes to, familiar hands are cupping his cheek. Seongwoo’s face swims into focus, brows knit together in concern as his thumb strokes Daniel’s cheek softly. He’s saying something but Daniel isn’t sure what is it, just turns his head until he’s nuzzling into Seongwoo’s hand, pressing wet kisses into his palm. Seongwoo was here, he came for him and that’s all that matters.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Seongwoo sighs when Daniel doesn’t respond at all, looking up to flash a tense smile at Taehyun, “I’m really sorry about him. Thank you so much for looking after him and not just chucking him out, I’ll get him out of your hair now.”

 

“Hey, no worries man,” Taehyun hops to his feet, “I’ve seen him around before in dance competitions, didn’t want anything to happen to the guy. He had a lot to drink though, and the guy he was here with has a bit of a reputation for being trouble.”

 

“Guy?” Seongwoo scowls as he wraps the scarf around Daniel’s neck and hefts him unto his back with Taehyun’s help.

 

“Yeah, his name is Min something, I can’t remember right now. But he’s on the watch list of just about every club around here. He gets into brawls a lot and a couple of girls have reported him for harassing them. Pretty sure he fleeced your friend here tonight, had him paying for all sorts of drinks.”

 

“Right, I’ll keep an eye out for him. Thanks again, Taehyun-ssi.”

 

“Really, no problem, just get him home safe.”

 

“Will do!” Seongwoo calls as he steps out the backdoor of the club, nodding to Taehyun who waves at them before closing the door.

 

With a sigh, he makes his way to the main road, barely managing to flag a taxi down. It takes him several minutes and he’s thankful the night is still relatively young by the standards of the partygoers and he doesn’t have to compete with a crowd all trying to get home at once.

 

Dumping Daniel’s passed out form into the backseat, he shuts the door and goes to get in from the other side. “113 Jeongbyul Ro please, _ahjussi_ ,” he calls out to the driver who nods and starts the car, eyeing the drunk boy passed out on the other side through the rearview mirror.

 

“Your friend there going to be okay, son?”

 

“Yeah, I just need to get him home. Don’t worry _ahjussi_ , I’ll make sure he doesn’t throw up in your car.”

 

The taxi driver chuckles, “Ah, that would be nice, but who drives in this area and hasn’t had to deal with drunk students throwing up? When I was your age, ha! Your friend should just be glad there’s someone here to drag him home. I used to wake up the next morning on steps of a convenience store!”

 

Seongwoo laughs with him, reaching over to pull Daniel’s lax body so that he’s leaning on Seongwoo instead of having his neck bent at an awkward angle, “Sounds like you were wild, _ahjussi_.”

 

“Ah, to be young again. Don’t waste the time you have in your youth, boy, mark my words. You’ll just regret every wasted second when you’re old like me.”

 

Seongwoo chats easily with their driver, laughing softly with one arm wrapped around Daniel, fingers absentmindedly fiddling with the scarf. When they arrive, he pays their fare with a generous tip and pulls Daniel’s arm over his shoulders. The other boy seems to be a bit more lucid now, stumbling to his feet at Seongwoo’s urging. He’s still unsteady on his feet, but at least Seongwoo doesn’t have to carry him this time, and with some effort, Seongwoo manages to get them both safe into the apartment.

 

Dropping Daniel onto the couch with a tired sigh, Seongwoo stands up again with a groan, thumping at the back of his neck to relieve the tension as he goes to grab a glass of water for Daniel. He stops for a second and throws together a quick sandwich, hoping that the food would help Daniel sober up.

 

When Seongwoo returns, Daniel is sitting up by himself now, looking around the room groggily until he sees Seongwoo. Then he’s reaching out with that lost puppy look on his face that Seongwoo could never resist. “ _Hyung_ ,” he whines, making grabby motions at Seongwoo, “Where did you go? I couldn’t find you.”

 

Seongwoo hurries back and Daniel latches on to him immediately when he sits down, arms wrapping around his shoulders and shoving his face into the crook of Seongwoo’s neck. “Niel-ah, drink some water first. And eat something; Taehyun said you drank a lot. Come on,” he coaxes.

 

Drunk Daniel is surprisingly pliant, he drinks the water without complaint and scarfs down the sandwiches, Seongwoo urging him to slow down in case he did throw up. Daniel just licks his fingers with a satisfied sigh when he finishes, as if he had just eaten a five-course meal at a nice restaurant rather than Seongwoo’s hastily thrown together ham and cheese sandwiches, and turns to face Seongwoo.

 

“Feeling better?” Seongwoo asks, pushing Daniel’s sweat-matted bangs out of his face, and Daniel nods.

 

“Better,” he responds, reaching forward until he’s wrapped around Seongwoo again, “You’re here now. Everything is better.”

 

Seongwoo chuckles, running a soothing hand up and down Daniel’s back, heart fluttering without the usual heaviness of dread for once at Daniel’s greasy lines. He turns to press a kiss to Daniel’s still flushed cheeks, moving to stand, “Let’s get you to bed then.”

 

What he doesn’t expect is for Daniel to turn his head and chase after Seongwoo’s lips. Daniel’s lips are slightly chapped, but full, he tastes of sandwiches and lingering booze but in that moment Seongwoo can’t bring himself to care, and he presses back against Daniel instinctively with a surprised inhale. Pulling away from the chaste kiss, Seongwoo tries to urge Daniel to stand up and head to bed, but Daniel isn’t having any of it.

 

“ _Hyung,_ ” he calls, voice husky and eyes predatory as he slowly presses Seongwoo into the back of their couch, “Seongwoo _hyung_ , I want you.”

 

Seongwoo gulps, trying to ignore the effects Daniel’s deep voice and close proximity is having on him. “Niel-ah, you’re drunk. Go to sleep and we’ll talk about this tomorrow.”

 

He squeaks when Daniel lurches forward, pinning Seongwoo against the cushions with wild eyes, “No, not tomorrow. If I let you go now, you’re going to run away from me.”

 

“Niel-ah, stop, you’re drunk,” Seongwoo tries to reason with him, breath hitching in his throat as Daniel noses along the side of his neck, only to trace the same lines with his mouth moments later.

 

“Don’t wanna stop,” the younger boy mumbles into his skin, biting playfully at Seongwoo’s ear, “Do you want me to stop?”

 

He pulls back momentarily to stare at Seongwoo who’s trapped beneath him, strong thighs straddling his _hyung’s_ lithe figure. Seongwoo hesitates and Daniel takes the chance to lean back down, ghosting over his lips as he presses more kisses along Seongwoo’s jawline. Seongwoo clenches his fists as he bites back a moan, trying to remind himself that Daniel is drunk.

 

Seongwoo should do the responsible thing and get him to stop. He should get him to go to bed so they can talk about this tomorrow and so neither of them does anything they regret.

 

But Daniel is warm and intoxicating. He’s mouthing along Seongwoo’s collarbone now, sucking at the skin lightly and Seongwoo isn’t sure he wants him to stop even if that’s the right thing to do.

 

“Seongwoo-ah,” Daniel breathes into his ear without honourifics, hands sneaking up under the hem of his shirt and Seongwoo’s heart stutters.

 

With a groan, Seongwoo reaches up to pull Daniel towards him, lips colliding messily. Their kiss is sloppy, it’s too wet and their teeth clack together before they can find a rhythm and Seongwoo’s nose crinkles at the heavy stench of alcohol on Daniel’s breath but when he pulls away, Daniel whines and kisses him again and Seongwoo is lost.

 

Daniel’s hands stroke at his skin underneath his shirt, hot like fire bands and Seongwoo finds himself gasping for air when the younger boy starts sucking hickies into his neck. He lets Daniel push at his shirt until he discards it entirely, pushing back impatiently until Daniel pulls back to shuck off his tank top as well.

 

The younger boy runs his hands down Seongwoo’s sides, blunt nails raking down smooth skin, whilst simultaneously grinding down on Seongwoo’s growing erection. Seongwoo moans at the sensation, high off the pleasure, throwing his head back and feeling out of breath, and Daniel gladly accepts his offering, latching on to his neck again as if determined to mark Seongwoo for the world to see. Seongwoo can only reach up blindly, fingers tangling in Daniel’s hair as his head lolls to the side, urging the other boy closer even though he knows his manager is going to murder him for the marks.

 

Then Daniel is kissing him again, mouth burning, wet and filthy, and Seongwoo kisses back just as fiercely, ready to drown himself in Daniel’s everything, to breathe him in and never let go. Daniel starts to grind down rhythmically and Seongwoo finds himself arching upwards to meet him, wrapping his leg around Daniel’s waist, both of them groaning at the pleasure from the more intimate angle.

 

“Don’t wanna lose you. Gonna make you stay, make you mine.”

 

It takes Seongwoo a moment to make out what Daniel is mumbling in between kisses and when the words finally registers through the fog of lust, he struggles to push Daniel’s hands away from where they were undoing his pants.

 

“Wait, no, stop,” he gasps out, trying to catch his breath, pulling back, “Niel-ah, stop.”

 

“No, don’t leave me _hyung_ ,” Daniel wraps his arms around Seongwoo, grips tighter than steel bands.

 

“I can’t lose you. Stay, stay,” he continues, trying to reel Seongwoo in for another kiss, “I’ll give you anything, I’ll do anything, just stay.”

 

Any lingering arousal vanishes in that moment and Seongwoo just feels cold, feels a pressure in his chest that has nothing to do with how tightly Daniel is clinging to him, feels like crying. He can’t, he can’t do this, not when Daniel is drunk. Not when he’s promising to do _anything_ because in his drunken stupor he thinks that’s what he needs to do so that Seongwoo will stay.

 

Seongwoo feels dirty, like he used Daniel; he can’t believe he let things get this far. Something was clearly wrong to have driven Daniel to drinking so heavily, how could he have forgotten that so easily? He should have made sure that Daniel was okay first, not given in to a desperate drunken romp.

 

But Daniel is getting increasingly frantic, pawing at Seongwoo’s slacks while pressing kisses into his chest and Seongwoo is quick to gather up Daniel’s hands and shush him, cradling his precious boy against his chest. “Shh, shh, no, you don’t need to do anything. I’m not leaving you. I’m never leaving you.”

 

“Don’t leave me?” Daniel just mumbles sounding so lost that Seongwoo’s heart clenches painfully, “Don’t leave, I need you, I need you.”

 

“I’m right here,” Seongwoo repeats, voice muffles by Daniel’s hair, “I’m here, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

 

“Promise?” Daniel babbles into Seongwoo’s skin and Seongwoo nods, biting back tears.

 

“Promise. I’m not leaving you, not ever.”

 

“Okay,” Daniel sighs, body relaxing and humming contently when Seongwoo sits up and hefts Daniel higher into his lap, carefully standing up, arms straining under the weight as he makes is way to his bedroom.

 

He deposits Daniel unto the bed, shushing his unhappy whimper when he pulls away to run back to the living room and grab his phone. Seongwoo shucks his slacks onto the floor and pulls on his pajama bottoms quickly, not trusting himself to sleep beside Daniel in only his boxers right now. Slipping into the bed quietly, he presses close to Daniel, letting the sleepily drunk boy curl up against him as Seongwoo wraps protective arms around him.

 

“Shhhh, sleep now, Niel-ah.”

 

“Seongwoo-ah,” he mumbles sleepily against Seongwoo’s collarbone.

 

“Mmm?” he responds, stroking his fingers through Daniel’s hair as soothingly as he knows how, “I’m here, what is it?”

 

“Love you.”

 

Seongwoo feels his heart swell in between his ribs even as the urge to cry lingers. “I love you too,” he breathes out, pulling Daniel even closer, “So much, I love you so much.”

 

His answer is a sleepy mumble and a snore and Seongwoo chokes back a wet laugh, wondering if he had just confessed to a sleep-talking Daniel. Well, it doesn’t matter, he thinks with a fond smile, he’d just have to tell Daniel again in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, wow, so many people were upset after the last chapter. I wanted to respond like I usually do but I got so busy and I figured you guys would prefer a new chapter over a reply anyways :P (I'll respond to questions this time though! Promise!)
> 
> Also, disclaimer: this is my first time writing anything remotely, err, 'smutty', wow that was awkward and I don't know how it just segued into that (what have I done ._.)


	17. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wake and wake again.

The first time Daniel wakes, his senses are overwhelmed by nausea that has him bolting upright as he fights the urge to hurl on the spot. His stomach is roiling and he can feel bile rising in the back of his throat, the sudden motion he makes only makes his head pound harder.

 

He stumbles out of the blankets, pushing away warm arms to run for the washroom, barely getting to his target in time and then he’s retching into the toilet, gasping for air as all the drink he’d been poisoning himself with leaves his system. The scent of vomit hits him hard and only makes him throw up again, tears running down his face as the bile rushes up his esophagus, burning his nose.

 

Gentle hands push back his hair as he retches again, clinging to the toilet bowl and curling into himself miserably. The hands leave for a moment and then there’s a warm wet cloth being run over his face, wiping away the tears and sweat matting his skin. Daniel sniffs and the chokes when the bile lodged in his nostrils set him off again and he’s quick to spit out everything he can.

 

He lets the hands maneuver him a bit away from the toilet to rest against a propped up leg. Daniel stares at Seongwoo’s patient expression as he wipes down Daniel’s face with a newly wrung out towel and wonders how his friend could bear to regard him so warmly when he knows he must look like a hideous mess of tears and snot. Suddenly embarrassed, he pushes Seongwoo’s hands away and covers his face with a groan, “Don’t look at me right now, I look disgusting.”

 

Seongwoo only laughs lowly, reaching over to flush the mess away and then pulls Daniel’s hands away so that he cannot hide anymore. “You look fine. How do you feel?”

 

Daniel pouts, ducking his head now that his hands are rendered immobile. “Like shit,” he admits, slumping sideways and curling up on the tile of their bathroom floor.

 

The cool tile against his forehead feels nice and even though Daniel is positive he’s throw up everything that’s in his stomach and then some, he still feels woozy though he isn’t certain if he’s still drunk or just lightheaded from puking his guts out. Seongwoo nudges at him with a foot that Daniel bats away with a whine. “Go back to bed, I’ll grab you some water and then we’ll go back to sleep,” Seongwoo tells him, getting to his feet with a yawn and placing the bottle of mouthwash by Daniel’s feet wordlessly.

 

Daniel does eventually drag himself off the floor of the bathroom and rinses out his mouth, glad to let the overly strong burn of mint eradicate the bitter bile clinging to his tongue. Trudging back to Seongwoo’s room, he throws himself heavily onto the mattress, landing hard enough to make the springs creak in protest. Seongwoo tuts at him and pulls at his arm until Daniel sits up and takes the cup of water from him. Drinking it helps soothe his sore throat and Seongwoo laughs sleepily at the crisscross imprinted onto his face from the tile, reaching over to trace the ridges.

 

Then Seongwoo is frowning, pressing the back of his hand to Daniel’s forehead with a creased brow, “Shit, you’re burning up. Must have been the cold, hand on.”

 

His roommate hurries away and rummages through one of his drawers before he comes back with two pills he holds to Daniel’s lips. “Take these and then finish your water. You need rest.”

 

Daniel doesn’t bother fighting Seongwoo even though he hates taking medication; they tend to make his head feel stuffy and full of cotton when they’re supposed to help him feel better. He pops the pills into his mouth and chases it down with huge gulps of water as Seongwoo wanders back to his desk and then returns with something white flopping between his fingers.

 

Taking the cup from Daniel and setting it on the bedside table, Seongwoo pushes Daniel’s hair back from his forehead and then rips off a transparent film with his teeth, face close enough to Daniel’s that they seem to be sharing a single breath of air as he concentrates on sticking the cooling pad to Daniel’s skin in exactly the center. Daniel’s face is burning but he isn’t sure if it’s because Seongwoo’s face is so close to his he would barely need to shift forward before their lips touched, or if his fever is worse than he thought it was. Once he’s deemed the placement to be perfectly symmetrical, Seongwoo pulls a face, spitting the plastic out from between his lips with a grimace, balling it up and chucking it into the bin.

 

Daniel flops backwards and burrows back under the covers, watching with half-lidded eyes as Seongwoo picks up the cup and heads out to the kitchen to refill it. He’s almost asleep when the bed dips beside him and Seongwoo flicks off the lamp on the bedside table with a quiet sigh. He slips under the covers and Daniel instantly gravitates towards the new source of warmth, curling as close to Seongwoo as possible and giving a contented sigh as Seongwoo wraps his arms around him and pulls Daniel closer.

 

“Sleep,” he whispers into Daniel’s hair, “You’ll feel better in the morning.”

 

* * *

 

The second time Daniel wakes up, the sun isn’t up and he feels cold, so cold. Whining, he burrows closer to the body next to his, seeking heat, rubbing his face against warm, bare skin.

 

He starts for a moment because Seongwoo never sleeps shirtless but a glance around shows he is in Seongwoo’s bed and not someone else’s. Daniel winces as his head throbs, he can’t recall how he ended up here or why Seongwoo is shirtless but he certainly isn’t going to complain.

 

He nuzzles closer, relishing in the feel of smooth skin against his own; it takes a moment for Daniel to realize he’s only in his boxers and that’s when he laughs to himself. A dream then, this had to be a dream. A wonderful fever dream where Seongwoo is his and they are more, and he gets to have every inch of the man that he loves.

 

Daniel breathes, soft and steady in the still hours of the morning, arms wrapped around the most precious thing in his world. His entire world, cradled between unworthy fingers but he doesn’t let go, would never let go if he had the choice. _But the choice isn’t his_ , a voice whispers, _the choice is Seongwoo’s_ , and Daniel is quick to silence the voice that intrudes even his dreams.

 

He stubbornly basks in the feeling of the flesh bared to him, pressed against him, willing himself to remember this feeling always even if it would only visit him in another fever dream. Daniel turns to press three kisses in quick succession to Seongwoo’s chest before curling impossibly closer, winding their legs together. He isn’t satisfied until they cannot get any closer unless they physical fused together.

 

This position should be uncomfortable, suffocating, claustrophobic even, but Daniel wouldn’t have it any other way and real-Seongwoo would never let him get quite this close. He lets his eyes fall shut again as he breathes in the scent of sleep-warmed skin and something uniquely Seongwoo. A dream, only a dream.

 

Well then, let him dream forever. He was allowed to be greedy in dreams, right?

 

* * *

 

 

The sound of his phone ringing draws Seongwoo from his slumber, even though it takes his brain several seconds to connect the ringing with the fact that he should pick up his phone. It takes him another minute to untangle himself from Daniel’s octopus limbs, wrapped around him like a vice grip as they are, and for a second he thinks he’s woken the younger man but Daniel just grumbles sleepily to himself and latches onto Seongwoo’s pillow instead.

 

It’s so cute seeing how Daniel gravitates towards the closest substitute and Seongwoo wastes several seconds just grinning at his sleeping friend before the phone rings again, reminding him of what he got up for.

 

Clambering to his feet, Seongwoo picks up the phone and then hurries out of the room so as not to disturb Daniel. “Hello,” he whispers after clearing his throat, easing the door partially shut behind him, “Seongwoo speaking.”

 

“Seongwoo-ah!” his manager’s voice filters through, “I have great news! You got the role!”

 

“W-what?!” Seongwoo gapes, flabbergasted and still not completely awake, “Are you sure?”

 

His manager roars with laughter on the other end, “Of course I’m sure, you silly boy. You got it! I knew you could do it!”

 

“Oh my god,” Seongwoo breathes, “ _Oh my god_! I got the role!”

 

He’s jumping up and down in his excitement, bouncing around before he remembers Daniel is sleeping and flings himself onto the couch instead.

 

“Congratulations Seongwoo-ah! So for the shoot, they’re actually in a rush because the writer and the director re-arranged some of the scenes again. Your first scene is this afternoon, I’ll be at your place in half an hour. Pack for a week and you can go over the revised script in the car.”

 

“Wait, _today_?” Seongwoo sits up, suddenly not so giddy anymore, “But, I have class. And exams are next week!”

 

His manager sighed, the sound only a rush of static through the receiver, “Seongwoo-ah, we talked about this. These types of opportunities don’t wait for anyone; you know this. You agreed to this when you first joined the agency and I’ve already talked with the administration at your university; you’re excused from the exams and you’ll still graduate.”

 

Seongwoo casts a look back towards his bedroom, through the half-closed door where Daniel is still buried under his covers. “But,” he protests weakly, “My roommate is sick, I can’t- does it have to be right now?”

 

“Seongwoo-ah,” his manager sounded stern and impatient now and Seongwoo gulps, knowing that he’s pushing it, “this isn’t the time to play around. You have a choice to make right now, take the role or waste everything you’ve worked for up until now. What will it be?”

 

“Choose?” he echoes faintly.

 

“Yes, choose. Right now. Am I coming to pick you up or are you giving up on your dream?”

 

“I, I-” He hesitates again, half an hour isn’t enough time for him to pack and talk with Daniel about whatever was between then; the younger boy was sick and still sleeping and Seongwoo didn’t want to leave him, much less disturb his much needed rest.

 

 _A note,_ he decides, _I’ll leave him a note, a response to his letter. I’ll call him, or we’ll talk when I’m back._

 

“Okay, I’ll go.”

 

“Good, now go pack, I’ll be there in half an hour.”

 

“Right, I’ll see you then.”

 

His manager hangs up before Seongwoo can say thank you, probably too irritated with the sudden hesitation on Seongwoo’s part, and Seongwoo sighs and drops the phone, letting it bounce off the couch cushions harmlessly. He lies there for a few moments, watching the light from the window play across the ceiling, trying to make sense of everything.

 

He got the role.

 

Daniel was sick.

 

But Daniel also loved him back. Loves _him,_ loves Seongwoo, even though something had happened and Daniel had gotten plastered.

 

Daniel who thinks Seongwoo doesn’t love him back, who still thinks Seongwoo would leave and, he swallows heavily but it does nothing to dislodge the lump in his throat, was willing to go as far as ‘necessary’ so Seongwoo doesn’t leave.

 

Creeping back into his own room with a heavy heart, he spots Daniel who is turned away from him now, placing the door at his back. Seongwoo goes over to check the younger boy’s temperature – still a bit warm.

 

Carefully, he removes the old cooling patch and sticks a new one in its place; Daniel doesn’t so much as twitch and Seongwoo grins to himself. He digs out the fever medication from his drawer again and leaves the entire pack by the cup of water.

 

Now, packing, right.

 

Experience and practice is the only thing that keeps Seongwoo would throwing things haphazardly into his suitcase. His clothes are folded a little messily and there will probably be weird creases but that’s nothing a quick touch from an iron won’t fix and honestly, Seongwoo is pressed for time right now and he’ll have different clothes to wear on set anyways so wrinkles are things he can absolutely care less about.

 

He heads to the washroom next and chucks everything he needs into a lopsided pouch, the over-sized monstrosity a remnant of a period when Daniel tried to prove to a teasing Jisung that he totally was better at home economics than his _hyung_. Seongwoo grins fondly to himself like a fool, running his thumb over the uneven seams of Daniel’s handiwork. Zipping up the bag, he tucks it into his suitcase and then packs an extra parka just in case; he has no idea where they’re filming the scenes and December brought frosty mornings and frigid nights.

 

Shutting the suitcase, Seongwoo casts another look over at Daniel’s slumbering form; still asleep then. He dresses quickly, grimacing at the marks on his skin, picking a shirt that covers most of it and then wrapping a scarf around his neck and hoping that his manager doesn’t comment. He’ll beg the make-up noonas to use the good concealer on it for him later.

 

Pulling out a sheet of lined paper, Seongwoo wonders if he should write his response on something nicer and then decides against it. He has only a vague idea of where his stationary was, a set that his sister had forced on him a while back when she was moving, stating that she didn’t want to throw it out but didn’t have room to keep it.

 

Just then, his phone rings and Seongwoo curses at the bad timing, “Hello?”

 

“Seongwoo-ah, I’m downstairs. Come out.”

 

“Okay,” he agrees, scrawling his words down frantically, “I’ll be there in a few.”

 

“Don’t take too long!”

 

“Got it, see you!”

 

_Niel-ah,_

_I read your letter, I’m sorry I can’t respond in person. I got the role! I have to run now because filming starts today >_<_

_I love you, Kang Daniel. I love you, I love you, I love you._

_Take the medicine, and get better soon. Call me when you’re up, okay? We’ll talk properly when I’m back, I’ll make everything up to you, promise._

_Your’s,_

_Seongwoo_

Seongwoo finishes his note with a grimace; it’s messy and not romantic at all. This wasn’t how he wanted to respond to Daniel; even though he’s only ever dreamed of confessing, this was far from ideal. But then he pictures the stormy look on his manager’s face and he sighs. Grabbing his suitcase, he hurries out the door, locking it behind him as quietly as he knows how.

 

Pulling out his phone, he shoots off a belated text message to Jisung to let him know Daniel had been found blackout drunk at a club last night and was now sick, and then sends a message to the group chat he has with Jonghyun and the others to let them know he got the role and was leaving for filming right now. Instantly the chat group is flooded with messages of congratulations and demands that Seongwoo treats the next time they go out for dinner. Hyunbin in particular spams emoticons of food and happy faces, only stopping when he gets told off by Minhyun.

 

Laughing to himself, Seongwoo rolls his suitcase out of the elevator and towards the car where his manager was waiting impatiently.

 

“Ready, Seongwoo?” the older man asks as he gets out of the car and pops the trunk for Seongwoo to stow away his things.

 

Seongwoo can’t help glancing back, up towards the window of his shared apartment with Daniel. “Yeah,” he gets into the car, picking up the script left on his seat, “Let’s do this.”

 

* * *

 

The third time Daniel wakes, Seongwoo is just slipping out of the room, ringing phone in hand.

 

Daniel squints and then gives up trying to think about anything when his head swims and his nose is clogged something awful, and oh god, he feels like death right now. He’s about to roll over and away from the sun’s rays that are _stabbing_ his eyeballs when he catches sight of Seongwoo in the gap between the door.

 

There are livid purple and red marks along Seongwoo’s neck, bruises that are stark against his fair skin and Daniel can feel his blood freeze in his veins even through the pounding of his head. Hickies. Someone had left hickies all over Seongwoo’s neck for everyone to see, marking the older boy as theirs, as taken. As not Daniel’s.

 

The image of Seongwoo and Hyeongseob wrapped in a passionate embrace like they were yesterday comes unbidden and Daniel can feel the bile rising at the back of his throat. He pushes the memory from his mind violently, trying instead to remember how he ended up back here in Seongwoo’s bed.

 

Daniel remembers meeting Minho, remembers drinking a lot, too much, remembers the room spinning uncontrollably, the press of bodies becoming suffocating and the wrong hands trying to touch him. He had stumbled towards the bar to get away and then it's all hazy again until he was roused by that soft-hearted bartender that didn’t kick him out but called Seongwoo to get him instead.

 

He must have passed out at some point because after that all he remembers in a blur of city lights, throwing up sometime last night, and Seongwoo sleeping warm next to him. But he’s not here now and Daniel is left cold; cold, glacial, fingertips frostbitten from trying to reach out for something, someone who isn’t his to have.

 

The marks on Seongwoo’s neck are testament to that.

 

“Choose?” he hears Seongwoo’s voice filtering through his thoughts, sees Seongwoo looking back at him worriedly even as Daniel feels his heart stop beating.

 

 _Choose_.

 

Hyeongseob is asking Seongwoo to choose between him and Daniel. Daniel laughs bitterly to himself, muffling the sound against the comforter. And to think, he never thought the younger boy had it in him to be this way with his cute face and innocent eyes. Then again, no one that innocent could leave those territorial marks on Seongwoo’s neck.

 

He strains his ears to hear Seongwoo’s response, wants to hear Seongwoo say no, he’s not choosing, or to tell Hyeongseob that against all odds, he’s choosing Daniel.

 

“Okay, I’ll go.”

 

Three words and Daniel’s heart is shattering. Seongwoo is going to leave, Seongwoo has chosen and it’s not Daniel. He’s paralyzed in his spot, his mind racing, hysterical. He wants the universe to take it all back, to undo this cruel joke. He wanted three words from Seongwoo but they weren’t these three.

 

When Seongwoo re-enters the room, Daniel pretends to be still asleep, biting back tears. He won’t cry, won’t cry, but he can’t face Seongwoo right now, doesn’t want to _talk_ and hear the “I’m sorry” or “It’s not you, it’s me” speeches.

 

He fights to stay still and keep his face lax when he feels Seongwoo’s fingers on his face, checking his temperature and replacing the cooling pack on his forehead. He doesn’t move when Seongwoo starts _packing_ , though it’s a near thing. Is Seongwoo going to stay at Hyeongseob’s place? Is he moving out?

 

Daniel desperately wants to ask, wants to spring out of the bed and grab on to Seongwoo. Wants to ask what is it that he has done wrong, so terribly wrong that Seongwoo is physically leaving him. Wants to demand Seongwoo to stay, wants to hang on and never let go.

 

He does none of those things.

 

Daniel holds himself stiffly underneath the blankets, nails digging into his own skin as he hears Seongwoo answer the phone again to tell Hyeongseob he was on his way. He is a statue, a hollow statue, forcefully immobile until he hears the door click shut behind Seongwoo.

 

Only then does he let the tears out. Only then does he let himself fall apart.

 

Seongwoo is gone, there is nothing left to hold the pieces of Kang Daniel together anymore.

 

He sobs for what feels like hours before he sits up, getting to his feet unsteadily. He ignores the medication Seongwoo had laid out for him, ignores the water beside it even though his throat is tight and burning from crying so much.

 

He ignores the letter on Seongwoo’s desk, cannot bring himself to read the words of farewell, doesn’t need the last nail to be hammered into his coffin.

 

Daniel stumbles into his room and changes without even knowing that he’s thrown on, before heading towards the bathroom. He splashes water on his face and then looks into the mirror. Red nose and swollen eyes, hair matted with sweat against his forehead.

 

He looks like a mess; it’s no wonder Seongwoo didn’t stay.

 

Pushing away from the counter, Daniel storms out of the bathroom and swipes his phone and keys off the living room table and shoves it into his pockets.

 

He needs a drink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, I'm back and alive! 
> 
> Though the alive part is debatable after this chapter, I feel like someone's going to hunt me down and smother me in my sleep. Sorry it took so long guys >_<
> 
> Also, I finally got around to getting twitter now @AStrangeDaze (how I never get on board this before, I don't know), someone please teach me how to use this, or well, I guess you all have another place to track me down now, haha. 
> 
> (Also if anyone knows how to put hyperlinks in descriptions on AO3, please let me know @_@) Ta!


	18. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Revelations can be ugly things.

One drink turned into two. And then three. Then four.

 

By the time Daniel is on his fifth drink, he’s actually nursing it rather than knocking back the contents with a practiced hand and ignoring the burn down his throat. It’s not as if anything could hurt more than his heart did right now.

 

Morning had long since bled away, leaving him to wallow in the corner of some run down bar bathed in the dying light of the afternoon sun. Winter meant the sun seemed to flee from the sky much earlier in the day, and soon the street lamps were lit. Still Daniel sat, grip frozen around his drink, which had long since been warmed by the temperature of his hand, leaving a puddle of condensation on the counter.

 

The bartender had stopped by several times since, asking if Daniel wanted a new drink to replace the one he had been nursing for hours, the liquor long since watered down by the melted ice. The young man only shook his head silently and after the third refusal, the bartender only shook his head at the pitiful sight and left him alone to mope in the corner of the bar; he had seen more than enough of his share of broken hearts across these stained wooden counters. What was one more?

 

Daniel continued to stare into the bottom of his glass as if it might answer for him all the questions in the world. The amber liquid did nothing as such and continued to sit innocuously at the bottom of his cup.

 

“Hey,” a figure clad in ripped jeans and a battered hoodie slipped into the seat next to him, “Drinking again?”

 

Slowly Daniel turned his head to stare at the man sitting next to him, same smirk from last night painted upon his face. Ha Minho.

 

He turned away but Minho didn’t take the hint, leaning over to sling an arm over Daniel’s shoulders. “What’s the matter man, still down? That’s why I told you, just take someone home or go home with someone.”

 

That statement was enough to irk Daniel even in his melancholy state and he turned back to glare at the other man, shrugging his arm off his shoulders. “I love him,” he croaked accusingly.

 

Minho only scoffed and flagged down the bartended to order a round of shots. Downing two, he bared his teeth at Daniel, a sad mockery of a smile, “Love is for fools. A warm body is all you need some nights. Look where love has gotten you; you’re miserable.”

 

Daniel stared, seeing something ugly in the depths of the other man’s eyes that scared him with how familiar it was; he had seen it before some mornings when he stared into the mirror. Minho seemed to sense it as well and he threw his head back and cackled, not caring how it drew the eyes of the others around them that wrote them off as drunks and went back to their own lives.

 

“You see?” Minho gestured behind them, motion sharp and damning, “Those people there? They don’t care. No one cares. Don’t give those bastards anything, I tell you. You need to learn to be the one to _take_ what you want, or you’re never going to come out on top.”

 

Daniel was silent; he wanted to ask the other man what had happened to him, what is was that turned him into what he was now, but he couldn’t. And a part of him wondered if he would have ended up the same if he didn’t have his friends and Seongwoo in his life. _Seongwoo_.

 

The name alone sent another pang through his heart, a grimace stretching his lips as he was forced to remember. That’s right. He didn’t have Seongwoo anymore either.

 

He startled when Minho slapped a handful of bills on the counter and then got to his feet, pulling Daniel along with him, “Come on. If it’s love you want, we’ll find you someone else to _love_.”

 

Too tired to protest, Daniel let the other man drag him from his seat and out into the frosty December air. He curled into himself and trudged alongside Minho miserably, letting the other man dictate their destination. They end up at another club but Daniel offers no protest, lets himself get swept away by the mass of limbs and the grating movement of bodies against him and the swell of the music.

 

Minho wanders off several times to order enough alcohol to kill his liver but Daniel refuses each offer. Now that his head has cleared a little, all Daniel can recall at the taste of liquor on his tongue is flashes of Seongwoo’s gentle hands on his back when he threw up last night.

 

Instead, Daniel drowns himself in the music, in the presence of strangers around him, trying to feel less alone by melding into the crowd. He dances until sweat runs off his body in rivets, dances until his shirt is soaked clean through, dances until he’s nearly stumbling, legs finally giving away to fatigue.

 

Slim arms reach out to steady him and he looks down to finally take in the face of the person he had been dancing with for the last half hour or so. It’s a girl, shorter than him, hair in a bob cut framing a pretty face and doe-eyes. She smiles at him, sweet and sultry, and once upon a time, Daniel would have let himself be moved by that smile, might have brought her home to show Seongwoo his new girlfriend for however many weeks they last.

 

The girl moves closer, arms circling his waist as she sways against his body. Minho’s words come back to haunt him; a warm body to take his mind off things. It’s not like he had anyone to come home to. Maybe he could learn to love someone else, or fall in love with someone at night only to fall out of love in the morning.

 

So when she starts to pull him towards the wall in the direction of the back area, Daniel doesn’t protest. He doesn’t pull away when her hands skim at the edge of his shirt teasingly and he doesn’t pull away even when she leans up to press her lips against his, kisses sticky with lip gloss. He lets her slip a hand down the front of his pants and guide his own underneath the hem of her miniskirt as she sighs against his neck, breath hot against his collarbones even though everything feels so wrong.

 

And then suddenly, she’s not there anymore, someone’s ripped her warm body away from him despite her cry of protest and he’s met with blazing eyes are glaring at him through ice blue contacts and a shock of blonde hair.

 

“What. The fuck. Are you doing?!” Minki spits at him, words like venom and twice as corrosive.

 

Daniel stares at the incensed blonde and tries to formulate an answer, fumbling for his words. “Why do you care?” he throws back, feeling indignant.

 

What right did Seongwoo’s friends have to judge him?

 

Minki just scoffs, shoving the girl who had been groping Daniel away until she got the hint and stomped off in a huff. Behind him, Hyunbin is fluttering in the background, trying to decide between holding Minki back from making good on his promise of punching Daniel or staring at Daniel in disappointment himself. “Yeah, you’re here cheating on my friend, why do I care? I told him you weren’t good for him and look,” Minki sneers, looking at Daniel’s unbuttoned pants with disgust evident in every sweep of his eyes, “You’re shacking up with some whore in the back of a club.”

 

“Excuse me?” Daniel growls, reaching down to fix his clothes brusquely, “I’m cheating? Since when?”

 

“Don’t play the fool Daniel,” Minki looks at him with narrowed eyes, “You may be one, but it’s a pitiful look. You know whom I’m talking about. You dare to confess and then turn around and do _this_?”

 

Daniel pushes off from the wall and gets right up in Minki’s face, blood rushing to his ears as he curses in his head. Did Seongwoo laugh about Daniel’s pitiful attempt to confess with his friends? Or did he have Jisung to thank for blabbing with his big mouth to everyone about his letter?

 

“You think this is funny?” he snarls while Hyunbin frantically tries to keep them separate, “Come to make fun of me now, have you? Oh boo-hoo, Daniel the fool who thought Seongwoo would ever love him back. _Is this funny to you_?”

 

Minki just looks at him as if he’s lost his mind and Daniel feels like he’s only seconds from losing it really. “What on earth are you going on about?” the blonde demands, “That idiot has been in love with you for years, you two were the only ones too blind to notice what’s right in front of you!”

 

“He’s happy with Hyeongseob,” Daniel finds himself screaming back, “He doesn’t want me!”

 

“ _Hyung, hyung!_ ” Hyunbin cuts in quickly, forcing his tall frame between the two men who looked seconds away from a fistfight.

 

He reaches out to grab Daniel’s shoulders, hoping that the older man retained enough of his senses not to lash out at him as well. “ _Hyung_ , I think there’s been a misunderstanding. Seongwoo _hyung_ broke up with Hyeongseobie yesterday after he read your letter.”

 

Daniel stops cold, feeling the fight drain out of him as his legs give away and he sways, grasping at Hyunbin’s wrists to steady himself. “What?” he croaks out, searching the younger boy’s face for a lie only to be met with earnest eyes.

 

“Seongwoo _hyung_ broke up with Hyeongseob because he loves you,” the younger man implored.

 

“But he left,” Daniel protests weakly, slumping against the wall, “He packed and he left me.”

 

Minki rolls his eyes and looks at Daniel, utterly unimpressed, keeping his arms crossed to contain the urge to slap some sense into the younger man, “Seongwoo left for his _job_. Which you would have known if you’d checked your damn phone.”

 

Daniel stares back in a stupor, letting Hyunbin steer him through the halls and towards the entrance. “Job?” he echoes feeling more lost than ever even as Hyunbin manhandles him out of the club and into Minki’s car.

 

The blonde throws him a disgruntled look and climbs into the driver’s seat without responding, grumbling under his breath about stupid human peaches and how Seongwoo owed him so much for this as he started the car and pulled sharply into traffic. Hyunbin just turns around in the front passenger seat and offers Daniel a sheepish smile, “Did Seongwoo _hyung_ leave you a message, _hyung_?”

 

Daniel recalls the note on Seongwoo’s desk and nods slowly. The younger man just gives him another tight smile, “I think you should read that first, _hyung_.”

 

“If you’d read it, you wouldn’t be ruining my night out,” Minki grumbles under his breath.

 

“ _Hyung_!” Hyunbin chides with a pout.

 

“He’s a mess and you know it,” Minki retorts, “Why Seongwoo couldn’t fall in love with a normal one is beyond me.”

 

“Minki _hyung_ ,” Hyunbin’s voice is stern this time, dripping in disappointment and even Minki grimaces though his jaw is still set stubbornly.

 

“Whatever,” he mumbles in lieu of an actual apology, though he doesn’t say anything else for the rest of the drive.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Hyunbin helps Daniels back to his apartment while Minki stays in the car, still refusing to look at Daniel though it was probably for the best, given the words Hyunbin knew Minki was dying to let out. When they get to the door, it's unlocked and for a moment Daniel's heart leaps and he wonders if Seongwoo was home. But he can't be, Minki had said he was away for work and the younger boy beside him looked just as confused as Daniel felt. A robber? Daniel snorts; they were university students with nothing worth stealing, if it was they were in for a disappointment.

 

Pushing open the door, Daniel makes his way inside cautiously, just barely remembering to put himself in front of Hyunbin in case they had come back in time to witness a robbery.

 

Sitting on his couch is a familiar figure wearing an even more familiar look of reluctant disappointment. "Jisung _hyung_ ," he gasps out, hand going to his chest, "You scared us! What're you doing here?" 

 

Jisung ignores him and smiles at Hyunbin, "Thanks for bringing him back, Hyunbin-ah. I'll take it from here."

 

The younger man bobs his head hesitantly and then excuses himself, stopping only to pat Daniel on the back before slipping out the door, shooting a worried look over his shoulder but not saying anything. Jisung stares at Daniel until the younger boy finds himself squirming. He steps further into the apartment wondering why he's this nervous when it's just Jisung who's intruding in his apartment. 

 

When he's close enough Jisung reaches out to place an innocuous bottle on the coffee table delicately. Daniel flinches as if Jisung had thrown the bottle at him instead. "What is this?"

 

Daniel stares at the bottle he had painstakingly hidden in his room, the one not even Seongwoo knew about. All 64 tablets stare back at him accusingly. 

 

"I knew there was something off," Jisung continues in a soft voice, "Have you been skipping your appointments too?"

 

Daniel could feel his breaths coming faster, his throat is dry and constricting with every ticking second, the walls are closing in on him and all that's left is Jisung's disappointed face and that damning bottle.

 

"I didn't need them anymore," he offers weakly, willing Jisung to understand, to stop looking at him like that, "I was better."

 

"Niel-ah," Jisung looks like he's holding back tears, "How long?" 

 

Daniel swallows hard, "Four months." 

 

Jisung lets out an explosive sigh, "Have you told Seongwoo about this yet?" 

 

"No," he shakes his head, "no, but..."

 

"But Seongwoo is no fool," Jisung finishes for him, "not in this at least. He's guessed everything you haven't said."

 

"Yeah," Daniel breathes out, sitting down on the floor right at the spot where he stands before his legs betray him entirely, "yeah. But he's never asked."

 

"Were you ever going to tell him?" Jisung asks, voice soft like he's taking to an injured animal, the tone so alike his counsellor's that Daniel hates how he feels compelled to answer. 

 

"I, I," he looks away, looks at everything else, "I don't want him to know that I was like this."

 

"Like what?"

 

"Broken," he admits, half-sobbing out the word. 

 

"Oh Niel," Jisung is by his side in a heartbeat, arms around Daniel who slumps against his _hyung_. 

 

They sit on the ground long after their legs go numb against the floorboards, until Daniel is no longer struggling to breathe and Jisung's arms feel ready to fall off from the repetitive motions up and down Daniel's back. 

 

"Have you ever thought about leaving?"

 

Daniel turns his head slowly to look Jisung in the eye for the first time since he stepped through the door. "What?"

 

Jisung takes a deep fortifying breath and gets up, heading towards the couch where he rummages through his bag before coming back with a thin stack of papers clutched in his hands that he offers to Daniel.

 

"I think you should consider leaving Korea."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone expecting this? 
> 
> Hope it wasn't too choppy, not going to lie, I rushed because I'm off to the GD concert tonight (I'm so excited!) Let me know in the comments below and/or come find me on twitter @AStrangeDaze


	19. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The many paths the may lead me to you.

The evening was a cold one; the first flurries of snow drifting down had long since picked up momentum until the streets were liberally painted with white. Underneath the light of the streetlamps, the fluttering white snowflakes swirled in their own dance, tugging on passersby who ignored their call, too focused on reaching their destination in hopes of getting out of the cold to notice or care.

 

Seongwoo trudged forward through the streets, head ducked down and blinked away the snowflakes that made a home upon his eyelashes as he weaved his way through the sparse crowd, cursing himself for missing the last bus home. He rubbed his hands together, futilely trying to warm his frozen fingers and curses himself for forgetting his gloves in this weather. Holding his hands close to his mouth, he exhaled noisily on them in an attempt thaw his joints with his breath when he catches a glint of something in the alleyway from the corner of his eye.

 

Looking up Seongwoo squints, there are two men whose hazy figures he can barely make out in the poorly lit alley with the swirling snow obscuring his sight further. They’re arguing, the taller man gesturing angrily with something metallic in his hand while the shorter man is trying and failing to pull away. Seongwoo’s steps slow as he continues to watch them curiously, attention drawn to their scuffle before he blanches when the shorter man crumbles to the ground.

 

The ground around him is stained crimson, paint spilled on a white canvas by a careless artist, and yet all Seongwoo can see in that moment is the slash of colour around the neck of the dying man’s assailant. A scarf, warm and woven from thick maroon coloured yarn; Seongwoo knows that scarf, had witnessed the hours Jinyoung’s _noona_ wrestled with tangled yarn and silver knitting needles to create it while he lazed around with his friend, snacking on chips in the living room while playing videogames. Jiyeon _noona’s_ gift to her boyfriend is sitting nestled around the killer’s throat and Seongwoo can’t bring himself to look away, cannot tear his eyes away from the scene, cannot back away even as an unknown man’s cooling body laid less than fifteen meters to his left.

 

The buzzing in his pocket breaks the spell upon the moment and Seongwoo finds himself scrambling backwards, bolting to huddle under the doorway of the first shop he passes and praying his departure went unnoticed. His heart is thudding in his chest as his mind races wildly trying to piece together what he had seen though he wishes he could forget it all together.

 

“Cut! Standby for the next scene!”

 

Seongwoo slumps backwards against the door with a tired sigh at the sound of the cracking of the slate, wishing they weren’t shooting outside in the dead of winter.

 

His manager hurries over with a heat pack that Seongwoo takes gratefully, giving the older man a thankful smile when he drapes a thick blanket over Seongwoo’s shoulders and guides him towards the waiting area where the rest of the actors were resting as members of the staff rush past them to re-arrange everything for the next scene.

 

“You’re doing well, Seongwoo-ah,” his manager praises him quietly, “All of your scenes have been one-takes so far, the director seems pleased with your work too. Keep up the good work, okay?”

 

“Yes,” Seongwoo responds, bobbing his body in quick bows as he passes his _sunbaes_ to sink into a vacant chair, “I will work hard, thanks _hyung_.”

 

His manager smiles at the exhausted young man in front of him; they had been filming non-stop since this afternoon and Seongwoo had quickly picked up the art of sleeping in the make-up artist’s chair after memorizing his lines with a fervor that had some of his seniors chuckling fondly. With the last minute changes to the script, Seongwoo’s parts had been filmed almost back-to-back to fill in the gaps needed to air the next episode in two days, but the young man hadn’t uttered a single complaint, keeping a cheerful countenance about him that served to endear him to his colleagues. His unfailing polite demeanor also earned him the good will of the staff that had undoubtedly suffered the uppity attitude of other actors before him, though the young man in question seemed unaware of how much his good manners might help him in this industry.

 

“Get some rest,” his manager reaches out to pat his shoulder fondly, “I’ll be back with some food for you in a bit. The next two scenes don’t involve you directly so you should have enough time to catch a nap.”

 

Seongwoo nods distractedly as his hand drifts towards the shoulder bag at his feet, digging through the compartments to pull out his phone. The glow of the screen stares back into his tired eyes mockingly: not a single notification, no missed calls or unread messages. Seongwoo sighs heavily and then pushes it back into his bag, fingers lingering over the smooth metal, heavy with reluctance. He longs to dial a number he’s memorized by heart but stills himself instead; the director had made it clear that he did not appreciate his actors being distracted during work hours.

 

He wonders if Daniel is still sick, if the fever was worse than he had thought and he itches again to call the younger man, or to call Jisung who had surely gone over to check on him after Seongwoo let him know Daniel was running a temperature. It’s not like either of them to maintain this radio-silence and even their group chat has been eerily inactive but then again it’s a Friday night which means his friends are probably either asleep, too busy with work, or too busy partying to check their phones at 2:30 AM.

 

The worry niggles at his mind and Seongwoo knows any attempt to nap now would be futile, knows he’ll only trace racing thoughts behind closed eyelids as they eat at him, parasitic and merciless. Admitting defeat he pulls his phone back out and discreetly shoots off a text to Jisung to inquire about Daniel’s health. After a moment of hesitation, he also sends a general inquiry asking if anything had happened while he was gone to the group chat he had with Jonghyun and the others.

 

It’s the waiting game again after this and Seongwoo yanks the pages of his script out instead of resting like his manager suggested, thumbing through the dog-eared pages, forcing his tired eyes to rake over lines he had already committed to memory. He’ll sleep after he gets an answer, Seongwoo tells himself.

 

Just until then, he’ll wait just until then.

 

* * *

 

 

The buzz of his phone on the coffee table knocks Jisung out of his reverie. ‘You have a new message!’, his ringtone chimes cheerfully, completely at odds with the heavy atmosphere in the living room. Jisung knows without looking who the message if from, knows it’s the fifth unanswered message he has from Seongwoo and he reaches over to flip his phone over, illuminated screen faced down, without bothering to read it.

 

What was he supposed to say anyways that wouldn’t worry the other man? He had spent long dragged out minutes sitting on the couch in Daniel and Seongwoo’s empty apartment contemplating this, having rushed over after his shift to find his ailing friend was not resting but missing once again.

 

Did he just tell Seongwoo that Daniel was missing even though Seongwoo was probably already out of his mind with worry because Daniel had been running a fever?

 

As the minutes crawled into hours, he had considered in a frustrated emotion-driven moment to just give in and call Seongwoo. To ask him to call Daniel who isn’t answering his phone and tell him to come home. The longer he sat there stewing in all his misgivings, the more Jisung’s mind races through everything that has unraveled in the last couple of weeks until he could no longer ignore that niggling in his mind. He throws his scruples on the ground and makes his way to Daniel’s room, convinces himself that he’s just making sure, that he needs to rules out the worse scenarios, that it’s not an invasion of privacy but a necessity.

 

When he had pried that bottle of anti-depressants from where it had been wedged between the foot of Daniel’s bed and the wall (because even after all these years, Jisung can still remember each and every one of Daniel’s favourite hiding places) his worst fears have been confirmed; it’s full. He knows there’s another bottle somewhere sitting just as full, but this is enough and Jisung doesn’t need to see any more.

 

He stumbles back to the living room, plastic clenched so tightly within his palm the lid is cutting into his hand; he’s numb, disappointed, but in whom he can’t tell exactly.

 

In himself, for not noticing earlier?

 

In their friends, for pushing more than they should have?

 

In Seongwoo, for not confronting Daniel clearly about any of this even after all this time?

 

Jisung wants to pick up his phone and call Seongwoo. Wants to tell him to get his ass home right now and fix things, wants to tell him he was a fool to leave Daniel when he was like this, wants to scream that he was cruel to walk away when Daniel was sick and wanting.

 

He does none of those things because Jisung knows it wouldn’t be fair of him, knows that Daniel has never come clean about this to Seongwoo. He knows Seongwoo would never have walked away like this if he had really known. Knows that it isn’t fair for him to expect Seongwoo to throw away his future on nothing more than an inkling, to expect Seongwoo to always make Daniel his priority.

 

Yet he can’t help but resent the other man in that moment, resent Seongwoo who has become both the trigger and the cure, who unknowingly has the freedom of walking away still without the knowledge that burdens Jisung. And that’s when Jisung knows, knows that he can’t let Seongwoo and Daniel finally give in to each other even though that’s what they both want, what everyone who has been rooting for them anxiously since the beginning wants.

 

Because it’s dangerous, so dangerous, _too dangerous_ to ask Seongwoo to become the one thing that holds Daniel to this world without him even knowing, and as much as Jisung loves Daniel like a brother, would die for him, he can’t sacrifice someone else for Daniel’s wellbeing. And Jisung knows with a conviction stronger than any certainty that the sun rises in the east that Seongwoo loves Daniel enough to give up anything, throw away everything for him, and Jisung doesn’t want to watch that devotion melt away into resentment.

 

So Jisung steels himself and goes back into Daniel’s room, riffles through the stack of old forgotten documents that Daniel has probably been meaning to throw out but was too lazy to get around to actually lugging it to the waste room until he pulls out the application Daniel had signed without giving it much thought months back. Staring at the innocent looking papers, he goes back to the living room and waits for Daniel to return.

 

Jisung sits there surrounded by only his own thoughts until the group chat lights up with an angry, barely coherent message from Minki who announces that they found Daniel ‘shacking up with some hoe’ in the back of a club and were dragging him home. Hyunbin’s message comes quickly after, reassuring Jonghyun who had immediately jumped in to tell Minki to keep a handle on his temper that he’ll do his best to ‘stop Minki _hyung_ from doing anything too drastic’, and Jisung pushes aside his own anger at Daniel to be thankful to the younger man, dropping his phone back on the table with a sigh.

 

When Hyunbin arrives with Daniel, the sight of Jisung in the apartment startles them, although Minki is nowhere to be seen. Jisung thanks the heavens because there are such things as small mercies, he doesn’t have the energy to weather the force of Minki’s personality when he’s trying to ready himself for what comes next.

 

Hyunbin takes his leaves, sensing the strange tension between Jisung and Daniel, and then Jisung does it, he puts the bottle on the table between them and watches something die a little in Daniel’s eyes. The younger man’s posture changes instantly into something defensive, shoulders pulling up towards his ears, arms crossing, feet turning towards the doorway, ready to flee at a moment’s notice.

 

But Jisung doesn’t let him, he pulls the answers out of Daniel like teeth from a crocodile though ever tug is a double-edged sword, every excuse offered hollow, a repeating record of stock responses that Jisung has heard before. Then Daniel is breaking down, admitting he’s terrified of being _broken_ and Jisung takes him into his arms, desperately wanting to go back to a time where his lanky teenaged frame was enough to hide the child in his arms from the rest of the world.

 

Except they’re past that point in their lives now and all Jisung can do it try to console his brother in all but blood and hope he _listens_ to what Jisung has to say next.

 

“Have you ever thought about leaving?”

 

Daniel turns to stare at him, Jisung winces internally because he can already feel Daniel drawing away from him. “What?” the younger man croaks.

 

Jisung takes a deep fortifying breath and gets up, heading towards the couch where he rummages through his bag before coming back with a thin stack of papers clutched in his hands that he offers to Daniel, hoping the other doesn’t notice the fact that his hands are shaking slightly.

 

 "I think you should consider leaving Korea."

 

Daniel’s face is pinched, features drawn tight, and Jisung hurriedly holds up a hand to stave off the rejection he knows is on the tip of the other’s tongue. “Just,” he swallows, “Just hear me out first, okay, Niel-ah?”

 

He takes Daniel’s silence as consent and presses forward before he loses his nerve. “The program, it’s for a year right? You’ll get to finish your studies abroad and get teaching experience in foreign schools; it’ll look great on your resume when you graduate.”

 

Jisung exhales and tries for a smile that he knows he misses by a mile. “More than that though, Niel-ah, I think you need some time to heal away from _this_ ,” he gestures vaguely at the air around them, “I know we try not to talk about it, but none of us can deny that the acceptance of mental health issues here is still not what it needs to be. I know that most of the time when you skip out on counselling sessions, you’re actually on your way but then you see someone you know around the area and you don’t want to risk them finding out so you turn around and come home.”

 

Daniel is still beside him, teeth biting into his lower lip in a way that looks painful and just shy of drawing blood, but he doesn’t refute Jisung’s words, so he continues. “I know you don’t like taking the meds, and most of the therapists you’ve actually gotten along with have said it’s the counselling that will help you in the long run. I know you, more than anyone else, want to overcome this, but I also see how being so afraid of people finding out limits you. You haven’t even told _Seongwoo_ and if I hadn’t dragged your to the school counsellor all those years ago, what are the chances you would have told me or sought professional help?”

 

“So, what do you want me to do?” Daniel asks stiffly, voice low and raw with pain, “Just leave and be someone else’s problem?”

 

“Niel-ah, don’t think like that, you know that’s not what I mean,” Jisung pleads, shuffling closer on his knees, “I’m just thinking, overseas, their support systems are more developed, the social stigma a little less. And even if people find out, it won’t reach back home, you don’t have to worry about that part and can go for therapy freely.”

 

“And?” Daniel prods Jisung for a change, sensing that his hyung had something he wasn’t saying.

 

“And it’ll give you some space to grow into yourself,” Jisung hedges carefully, “Without Seongwoo.”

 

Sure enough, those words are enough to make Daniel whip around and stare at him accusingly, as if Jisung was the one taking Seongwoo away from Daniel and the intensity of Daniel’s panic only solidifies Jisung’s resolve that he needs to do this, that _they_ need this.

 

“Niel-ah, calm down. Seongwoo loves you, he’s loved you for years now, he’s not going to stop loving you because you’re abroad. But I think might you need this, you need to grow and learn to love yourself first,” Jisung implores, grabbing Daniel by his forearms as if trying to impress his point into Daniel’s very skin, “It’s not good for you and it’s not good for Seongwoo if you guys stumble into this with you feeling like you’re never enough. How long are you guys going to last if you’re constantly afraid he’ll leave and he’s not sure if you’re staying for the right reasons?”

 

Silently, Jisung draws another piece of paper from his pocket, the letter from Seongwoo that Daniel had walked away from this morning, and presses it into the younger’s hands.

 

“You don’t have to make your decision right away,” he coaxes Daniel off the floor and onto the couch, “Talk to Seongwoo when he’s back from filming. You guys, you have something rare and beautiful together. I just don’t want to see you hurting anymore or see you guys lose that. I just want to see you happy, Daniel-ah.”

 

* * *

 

Jisung watches with a tremulous smile as Daniel finally unfolds the letter with shaking hands and runs incredulous, reverent fingers over Seongwoo’s messy scrawl as if he was touching the finest calligraphy.

 

Daniel traces the words _I love you, Kang Daniel. I love you, I love you, I love you._ over and over again, and lets out a wet laugh that doesn’t stop, pressing his hand against his lips. He glances at his copy of the application for a year-long practicum abroad still scattered across the coffee table and clutches Seongwoo’s letter against his chest, heedless of the crinkling paper.

 

Seongwoo loves him. He hasn’t left him for Hyeongseob.

 

Ong Seongwoo loves Kang Daniel with all his idiosyncrasies and flaws, loves Daniel even though Daniel has kept secrets that Seongwoo suspects, loves Daniel enough to leave a happy _normal_ relationship to take his chances with him instead.

 

Daniel wants to seize this with both hands, to hold Seongwoo tight, to crow his triumph for the entire world to hear, announce that Ong Seongwoo is his and that he’s never letting go. Except he can’t dismiss everything that Jisung _hyung_ has said, can’t deny that he needs to tell Seongwoo what Daniel has been going through, that the thought of getting better without constantly checking over his shoulder to make sure no one saw him leaving the counselling office is a tempting thought.

 

He slumps against Jisung’s bony shoulders, exhausted, feeling drained dry, drawing comfort from his _hyung_ ’s familiar warmth.

 

Daniel looks around the living room, eyes lingering on and taking in every piece of the apartment that makes this a space lived in by Seongwoo and himself, categorizes the little knickknacks that hold the memories they’ve built together. The thought of walking away even temporarily is painful. In fact, the thought of waking up surrounded by unfamiliar walls, away from any traces of Seongwoo scares him.

 

He sighs and feels Jisung lean his head against Daniel’s gently, a reminder that he’s there and will always be, and Daniel wonders how he has gotten so lucky to have these people who care so much in his life. A bitter part of him wonders if this is God’s way of compensating for giving him shitty parents before he brushes the thought away; the family he’s found for himself is worth so much more than a consolation prize.

 

The two of them sit there, leaned against each other on the couch, drifting in and out of sleep as Daniel ponders and deliberates, pulling his options apart and then melding them back together again. They sit there until the twilight hours fade away, Daniel turning the full bottle of pills over and over in his hands, listening to the little capsules clattering about and clack against the plastic while Jisung dozes off to the unlikely rhythm.

 

Warm scarlet hues, cherry-pomegranate tints and tangerine lights, filter through the blinds until the living room is awash with the warmth of the rising sun. Jisung’s neck is sure to have a crick in it by now and Daniel can still feel the grime of sweat and club fumes caked on his skin. Daniel breathes in the morning, breathes in the possibilities, the dreams, thinks of Seongwoo’s smile and his future, _their future_. He imagines a future of waking up and not second-guessing himself, of waking up and always finding that certainty that he is enough, is good, is loved.

 

“I’ll think about it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that answers some questions, and I'm sorry that took so long. 
> 
> Between a massive writer's block and my laptop dying (as those of you who have me on twitter were probably aware), this chapter was utterly uncooperative. Next chapter will hopefully see interaction between our lovely couple again, and I will be better at responding to comments now that I'm not praying my laptop doesn't fail me with every word that I type, promise!
> 
> Also played around with pseuds, hope that didn't throw you guys off too much/cause any inconvenience. Thank you for everyone who's still with me on this mess of a journey, we're nearing the end now! See you all next chapter (:


	20. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Come back to me.

Seongwoo comes home to an empty apartment.

 

Staring into the unlit room he breathes out and watches as small clouds mist out in front of him in the grey light, sending dust particles swirling in the air. The temperature in the apartment has been turned down, probably to save on heating costs, something they only ever did if neither of them were home for an extended period of time.

 

Shivering, Seongwoo drops his bags on the floor and lets the door swing shut behind him, shuffling over to the thermostat to crank up the heat to a more comfortable temperature. Seongwoo doesn’t know what else he was expecting coming home, the rational part of him already knows that there would be no one waiting on the other side of the apartment door and yet, yet a part of him had still hoped that Daniel would fling the door open and greet him with that all encompassing grin.

 

Flicking the lights on only serves to illuminate the empty space. Their apartment has never been particularly big; rented on a budget of money pooled between two university students working part-time, it was just comfortable enough for two people who didn’t mind being in each other’s space. Now the small space feels too big, hollow, the air stale and lifeless. Suddenly, he realizes how Daniel must feel every time Seongwoo was away for work, how much he must have hated coming home to silent rooms.

 

He shakes his head rapidly as if the motion could dislodge those silly thoughts, scolding himself. _Don’t be so dramatic, Ong Seongwoo! He’s at Jisung’s, you knew he would be._

Seongwoo fishes out his phone and pulls out Daniel’s contact, sending off a text message quickly.

 

 

_Just got back_

 

 

He tries not to grimace at the sight of their mostly one-sided conversation over the past few weeks that he had been away for filming. Ever since Daniel had sent him a message stating that they ‘needed to talk’ three weeks ago, the younger man had kept his messages short and impersonal. In an effort to hang on any semblance of normalcy, Seongwoo had kept the conversation going as much as he could. When Daniel only answered his questions of how the other was doing and what was new back home with vague one-liners, Seongwoo took to nearly flooding their chat with anecdotes of his day and selfies of himself in various outfits between shoots.

 

The not-quite silence had set Seongwoo on edge and only his painstakingly trained ability to compartmentalize allowed him to finish the shoot successfully. Just before he left, Daniel had confessed his love for him; what had Seongwoo done so terrible wrong already to warrant getting the cold-shoulder? Minki’s message to the group chat had nearly given him a heart attack but other than everyone reassuring him things were ‘okay’ now, no one would tell him anything further, citing it was best he spoke to Daniel directly.

 

Even messages to Jisung had proven to be fruitless, the older man only telling Seongwoo Daniel’s fever had passed, insisting that any issues that Seongwoo and Daniel might have needed to be worked out without going through a third-party.

 

With no way of getting answers and no other outlet, Seongwoo had taken to relentless pacing and obsessive script reading all while clutching desperately at his phone which didn’t go unnoticed, and even his co-stars had stopped to ask if there was a family emergency, offering to speak to the director on his behalf if he needed to run home for a few hours.

 

Seongwoo had been grateful for their concern but turned down the offer, opting to stay and finish his work instead of run home to Daniel. Somehow, he doesn’t think the director would be impressed if he left because of an unresponsive roommate. Sighing, Seongwoo also shoots off a quick message to the group chat he now had with his co-stars, letting them know he was home safe and hoped they were too. Immediately, Eunji _noona_ who played his best-friend’s older sister in the drama responded with crying emoticons, lamenting that she was heading to another schedule instead of home and asking him to sleep enough for her as well.

 

He tucked away a grin and sent back a quick _hwaiting!_ The idol-actress was so down-to-earth and open, welcoming Seongwoo into their little group and forcibly dragging him out of his moping as much as possible. For a second, Seongwoo wishes Daniel was here so that he can brag about being friends with her and immediately sobers; now was not the time to indulge in frivolities.

 

Dropping his phone onto the counter, he made his way into the washroom, stripping off his clothes methodically and stepping under the hot spray with a relieved sigh as the water hit his tired muscles – long car rides always made him so stiff. Eyes closed, he reached out blindly, groping around for the shampoo bottle. He snaps the cap open and squirts a generous amount of the gel onto his palm.

 

Only when his senses are assaulted by the scent of peaches and vanilla do his hands pause, finger still where they are digging into his scalp, the scent so distinctly Daniel that a part of Seongwoo aches for the real thing. He’d grabbed the wrong bottle but there’s nothing he can do about it now, the sweet smell sinking into is hair in a way water cannot wash away.

 

He still remembers the first time Daniel had come out smelling like peaches and vanilla, the bottle of shampoo was something Daniel had bought on a whim because he found the cartoon cats on the bottle adorable. He hadn’t even bothered to check what it smelled like, running out of the shower afterwards, dripping water everywhere as he panicked over how much he smelled like a teenaged girl. Seongwoo had just laughed and told him it was fine, shampoo was shampoo, and made a cheeky comment about how Daniel’s pink hair would now smell as sweet as it looked. Now, a year later, Daniel was still using that shampoo and Seongwoo had long since gotten used to the scent of peaches and vanilla lingering on the edges of his pillow from those nights Daniel insisted on sleeping in his bed instead of his own.

 

Rinsing the suds out of his hair, Seongwoo contemplates reaching for his own shampoo bottle to try and cover the candied fragrance before deciding against it. Instead, he nabbed the body wash and set to scrubbing himself clean with the loofa, focusing on finishing up as soon as possible so that he could run over to Jisung’s place and find Daniel.

 

Turning off the shower, he dries himself off brusquely, tying the towel around his waist as he stepped out of the washroom. Immediately his skin pebbles and he breaks out into a full-bodied shiver, regretting his lack of foresight. He should have brought clothes in with him, the apartment was nowhere near warm enough for him to be walking about half-naked, skin and hair still damp.

 

Doing an awkward half-run to his room, he pulls on the first pair of sweats and sweater he sees in his dresser, ignoring how the material sticks a bit to his skin. Striding back into the living room Seongwoo freezes, stopping short at the sight of an all-too-familiar figure standing in front of the coffee table.

 

There are bags under those kind eyes, his skin has an ashy tinge to it, a testament to sleepless nights and days he probably barely ate. His hair is a faded mess of pastel, cheeks a bit haggard, his broad shoulders are slumped and hunched over, large hands wringing the apartment keys between his fingers. There are wrinkles in his clothes that could be from fists being clenched nervously into the material or having been slept in carelessly, or both.

 

Seongwoo has never seen anyone more beautiful.

 

Before he even registers it, he’s crossed the room, closed the distance between them and he’s standing right in front of Daniel. He longs to reach out and wrap the other man in his arms but he hesitates, unsure if his touch would be welcome.

 

Instead he settles for reaching up slowly, pushing back Daniel’s messy bangs with trembling hands.

 

“Hey.”

 

Daniel stares back at him, unmoving, but Seongwoo notices the increased tension coursing through his frame when he draws his hand back and fuck it, he leans forward to fold Daniel into his arms like he’s been aching to do since he spotted him.

 

The younger man stays stiff for a moment, body warring between pulling away and giving in, before thawing against Seongwoo’s leaner frame, his own arms coming up to clutch desperately at Seongwoo’s back.

 

“You’re back.”

 

Seongwoo slides his hands up Daniel’s back, up his neck and then draws them forwards to cup Daniel’s face lovingly between his palms, leaning his forehead against wind-chilled skin, breathing in the younger’s words. He catches Daniel’s eyes with his own and holds them with the force of his gaze.

 

“I’m home.”

 

They’re close enough now that Seongwoo’s words are almost spoken against Daniel’s skin. The air between them is charged, electric like the moments before lightning strikes, the seconds leading up to a storm right before the heavens open up. Seongwoo can feel the minute quivers of Daniel’s breaths as they fan across his face, it takes no effort at all to slip forward and close those scant millimetres between them for all that it feels like a lifetime.

 

Their lips meet easily, Daniel’s lips are chapped but full, this is their first proper kiss and Seongwoo’s heart is thudding in his chest, he feels like it might burst right out of his rib cage when Daniel doesn’t pull away, just sighs and melts against him, pliant and soft. The kiss is nothing more than a chaste press of lips but it feels like so much _more_.

 

Seongwoo pulls away when he feels something wet against his cheeks, thumbs wiping away Daniel’s tears tenderly even as he leans forward again to kiss his tears away.

 

“I’m home,” he repeats, “I’m home.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Daniel doesn’t let go of Seongwoo for another good ten or fifteen minutes. If he had his way, he was never letting go again.

 

When his phone had lit up earlier with the simple ‘ _Just got back_ ’ text from Seongwoo, he had panicked, falling off of Jisung’s couch and yelling for his _hyung_. He had missed Seongwoo terribly but he wasn’t ready, didn’t know how to finally come clean about everything, which Jisung have made very clear he absolutely had to if they were to move forward in their relationship.

 

His uncertainty had bled through, tingeing their interactions with a stiltedness that had never been there before with Daniel being unsure what to say and also terrified he would empty his soul over a rambling, incoherent test and regret everything. So for weeks he said barely anything at all, answering with short sentences and relying heavily on emoticons. He was relieved that Seongwoo hadn’t stopped messaging him but also guilty that he couldn’t give the other the explanation that he deserved.

 

Once or twice he had almost gotten on a train to Seongwoo’s location but Jisung had talked him out of it both times, telling Daniel that a filming site was no place for him to air out the skeletons in his closet. So Daniel had sat back down reluctantly, burrowing himself under borrowed blankets on Jisung’s couch, only leaving the house for work and exams.

 

He was lucky that he only had three courses this semester what with doing his practicum at the same time, being barely able to focus in the week leading up to his exams. Daniel would have flunked that if he hadn’t channelled his frustrations into his studies in lieu of breaking down and telling Seongwoo everything over the phone. As it was, he can only hope he had passed everything.

 

Now though, now he had run all the way back to the apartment he shared with Seongwoo, turning the fifteen minute walk into a five minute run. Winded, he had lingered outside of the apartment, tentative, uncertain. What did he say? What if this changed Seongwoo’s mind? What if the three-week silence already changed Seongwoo’s mind?

 

He opened the door and immediately felt the chill from the unit seep through his clothes. In his haste to get out the door, Daniel had thrown on the first jacket in sight, not even bothering to zip it up. He could hear the heating unit working overdrive to warm the air again, he takes two steps inside and then nearly trips over Seongwoo’s discarded bags.

 

He steps over them, toeing his shoes off before picking up the bags and depositing them by the couch. Taking two steps back, he turns and there Seongwoo is, standing in the doorway of his room, staring at Daniel with a surprised look on his face.

 

Daniel can’t move, just drinks in Seongwoo’s freshly showered form, feels his breath catch in his throat when Seongwoo takes large strides across the room to stop just in fronto him. He smells like Daniel’s shampoo, and when Seongwoo cards his fingers through his hair, Daniel almost chokes on the emotion welling up from the base of his abdomen. He struggles to contain himself, feeling disappointed that Seongwoo wasn’t closer although they’re already in each other’s space.

 

It’s his fault though, he can read it in the worried lines of Seongwoo’s face, his extended silence has the older man questioning if he was welcomed, if he was allowed, even though he should have to doubt if his touch was wanted, Daniel would never push him away, would always crave his presence. As if sensing his thoughts, Seongwoo enfolds him into his arms, even if Daniel doesn’t deserve to be welcomed so lovingly after stonewalling him for so long.

 

But Daniel has always been selfish, his own arms come up to clutch at Seongwoo’s back, digging into the fabric; whether he deserved it or not, if Seongwoo was willing to give it, he wasn’t going to let him take it back.

 

“You’re back,” he manages to choke out against Seongwoo’s throat.

 

Then Seongwoo’s hands are warm firebrands against his chilled cheeks, every point of contact between them blazes like the setting sun in Daniel’s senses.

 

“I’m home,” he says, closing the gap between them to kiss Daniel and Daniel can feel himself melting into the gentle press of Seongwoo’s lips, so careful, as if he was something precious.

 

He loses the battle against his emotions then, tears welling up and escaping from the corners of his eyes. Seongwoo draws back only to brush them away, tracing his tear tracks with his lips as if he could kiss away Daniel’s sadness. Daniel isn’t certain that he can, but he welcomes him to try.

 

“I’m home,” Seongwoo repeats, “I’m home.”

 

He says it with a certain intensity that has Daniel feeling breathless. His tears come harder once he realizes what Seongwoo means, that _Daniel is home_ , and he grips at Seongwoo all the tighter.

 

Daniel doesn’t know how long it is before they move again, but eventually they shuffle along the corridor and relocate themselves to Seongwoo’s room, settling on the bed in a mess of limbs. Daniel can tell Seongwoo is still confused, doesn’t know why Daniel is upset, but he doesn’t push, just tries his best to comfort Daniel as much as he can without knowing the root cause.

 

In his mind, Daniel has rehearsed his lines until they felt scripted, ran through a thousand scenarios of how this could go down. He opens his mouth to say ‘I have something I need to tell you’ or ‘I’ve been meaning to tell you something’. Something to segue into the topic, anything to soften the blow of what was to come, to let Seongwoo to prepare himself and increase Daniel’s own chances of success.

 

“I’m sick.”

 

Seongwoo’s hand freezes from where they had been rubbing aimless circles into the back of Daniel’s neck and, fuck, he didn’t mean to say that, didn’t mean to start like that. But there’s no taking it back, Daniel needs to keep going, to make himself clear before Seongwoo got the impression that he had cancer and was dying, or something else terminal and tragic.

 

“I have depression,” he blurts out quickly, “and mild anxiety. Diagnosed. Not just, you know, self-diagnosed.”

 

He waits with bated breath, wondering if Seongwoo is going to draw away now, going to realize for certain now that Daniel was broken and not worth loving. Instead Seongwoo pulls him closer, pressing a kiss to Daniel’s temple as he links their hands together firmly.

 

“How long?” Seongwoo asks softly, shifting so that they could face each other.

 

Daniel gulps at the soft, earnest look in Seongwoo’s eyes, “A long time? I was- I was diagnosed six years ago, but I think it was longer than that. I don’t know when, but it feels like it’s always been there.”

 

“Is that why you disappear sometimes? Were you going to appointments?”

 

“Yeah,” he swallows thickly, “Yeah, I, well, I should have gone more. But. I didn’t want to.”

 

Seongwoo _hmms_ low in his throat, bringing their joined hands up to his lips and pressing a reassuring kiss into the back of Daniel’s hand, eyes never leaving Daniel’s.

 

“And,” he stops for a second to gather himself, throat closing up, dry as sandpaper, as the desert, “and I stopped taking my meds for a bit. Because I thought I was better. But I wasn’t.”

 

“And now?” Seongwoo prompts softly when it seems like Daniel’s courage has left him after that admission.

 

“And I thought, well Jisung _hyung_ said and I knew he was right, that I had to tell you. That if we were going to be, more, I, I had to let you know. That I wasn’t well.”

 

Seongwoo shuffles closer to Daniel, resting their foreheads together again in an increasingly familiar gesture; it’s grounding, the feeling of Seongwoo being pressed so closely to him, the rhythm of each and everyone of his breaths synchronised subconsciously with Daniel’s own.

 

“I’m glad that you told me,” he whispers, “I’m sorry you had to carry this alone for so long. I wish you had told me sooner, wish that I had known so that I could have helped, but I’m glad you trust me enough to disclose this now. Thank you for trusting me.”

 

He presses a soft kiss against Daniel’s brow, then one on each of his cheeks, and then meets Daniel’s trembling mouth with his own. “Thank you for trusting me,” he repeats, and Daniel is crying again, he’s so relieved even though this is just the surface, even though he has more to say.

 

They fall silent for a while, Daniel takes to counting each of Seongwoo’s eyelashes, wants to categorize everything about him. He loses count after some time but it doesn’t matter because he’s already burned Seongwoo’s image into the back of his retina.

 

“I want to get better,” Daniel admits, breaking eye contact because the next words feel heavy on his tongue, “I want to get better and Jisung _hyung_ said, says that maybe I should go away for a while. Away from Korea.”

 

The thought hangs unfinished between them but Seongwoo is patient as always, letting Daniel catch his thought again, find his words at his own pace.

 

“He thinks I need to be, that I need to learn to be away from you.”

 

“I depend on you too much,” he continues, the admission burns on his tongue, acrid and lingering, and laughs through his tears, “And I do. Sometimes I think I’ll go insane, that I’ll fall apart if I don’t have you with me. And he’s right, it’s not healthy, it isn’t. But I don’t know how to be any other way.”

 

“Where will you go?”

 

Seongwoo’s simple question shouldn’t hurt but it does. Part of Daniel had wanted Seongwoo to shoot down the suggestion immediately, to tell him that it wasn’t true, that they would be fine the way they were, that Daniel doesn’t need to leave. But Seongwoo was never one for hiding from hard truths, not when it counted, and Daniel knows that Seongwoo, better than anybody, knows that the level of dependency between them was unhealthy.

 

“There’s an exchange program,” he answers, his reply is so faint that for a moment Daniel doesn’t recognize his own voice, “I’d spend a couple months each at different universities abroad. It’ll last a year.”

 

He’s hiding his face in the crook of Seongwoo’s neck now, breathing in the scent of his body wash, seeking his natural scent underneath.

 

“When would this…this program start?”

 

“Next semester.”

 

Seongwoo’s fingers spasm in his, “So soon?”

 

“I was already accepted, I just forgot about it, didn’t even realize it really because I didn’t actually mean to go through with it,” Daniel answers, “My professor recommended me for it, that’s the only reason why I signed up.”

 

“That gives us two weeks.”

 

 _Us._ Seongwoo was referring to them as a unit, referring to the deadline like a foregone conclusion, but that thought it chased out of his mind when Seongwoo shifts backwards and tilts Daniel’s face up so he can see his face again. His face is solemn, handsome features arranged in the visage of a tragic hero, sorrowful understanding that leaves Daniel’s heart aching.

 

“Kang Daniel,” he starts, “I love you. I fell in love with you three years ago, and I’ve loved you ever since. There is nothing that I wouldn’t do if it meant you would be safe, healthy, and happy.

 

“Part of loving someone, is also knowing when you’re not what they need and accepting it.”

 

Daniel stares at Seongwoo, he opens his mouth to retort that it’s madness, that Seongwoo is always what Daniel will need, but falls silent when Seongwoo’s hand caresses his cheek, reverent in a way no one else had ever directed towards Daniel.

 

“If this is what you need, if this is what you want to do, I’ll wait for you. I’m walk this journey with you every step of the way that you let me, and when you’re finally ready to come home, whether it is one year, two years, or ten years from now, if I’m still who you want, I’ll be here. I will still love you.

 

“So don’t worry about leaving me. Be selfish, be bold. Do what you need to do. I’ll love you always.”

 

He leans forward to kiss Daniel again, heedless of the fact that Daniel is heaving great, ugly sobs in response to his words. He kisses him over and over again even as Daniel’s fingers dig holes into his sweater and his tears soak the pillow clean through.

 

Seongwoo’s kisses say _You’re not going to lose me_.

 

His kisses say _Trust me_.

 

They say _I love you, come back to me_.

 

Daniel leans up and kisses him back desperately. He chases the taste of Seongwoo with his tongue until all his senses are drowned in the flavour of him.

 

 _Always_ , he presses his response back into his love’s skin like a brand, a promise. 

 

_Always._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, that was a tough chapter to get through. How many people were ready to kill me for that first sentence? 
> 
> Our boys finally talked, even though there is still plenty left unsaid. Let me know what you guys think, feedback/comments are always appreciated. Or come find me on twitter, @AStrangeDaze, I get lonely sometimes :<
> 
> Thanks for reading, see you guys next chapter!


	21. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beginnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbeta'd and not proof-read as always, sorry!

“Niel-ah,” there’s a quiet familiar voice nearby calling him and gentle hands running through his hair, “It’s time to get up.”

 

Daniel whines and pulls the warm presence in his arms closer, burying his face into something soft that smelled like home. He was tired and comfortable, he didn’t want to wake up. The figure in his arms shook with laughter and Daniel hummed, pleased, when the other pressed a kiss to his forehead.

 

“ _Jagiya_ ,” the voice said, fond and teasing, “It’s almost noon, we slept past dinner and then through the entire night. If you sleep any longer, you’re going to give yourself a headache.”

 

Stubbornly, Daniel refused to open his eyes, mumbling his refusal into warm skin and pulling the other back against his chest when they tried to untangle themselves from Daniel’s grip. Daniel didn’t want them leaving, he wanted both of them to stay right here in bed where it was nice and safe and warm. In fact, he stops for a moment when an absolutely brilliant idea comes over his sleep-fogged mind, and he rolls himself until he’s on top, trapping the man in his arms under his weight. There, now they couldn’t leave, he thinks to himself contently, nuzzling his face into sweet-smelling hair with a sleepy smile.

 

“Niel-ah, you’re crushing me, I can’t breathe,” the other complains but Daniel just cages the struggling form firmly between strong thighs and clingy arms.

 

There’s a pause and then the other spoke again, almost hesitantly. “ _Yeobo_ ,” the tentative endearment has Daniel freezing mid-cuddle, finally blinking open bleary eyes to witness the blush slowly painting itself across Seongwoo’s cheeks.

 

“Is that what it takes to get you to wake up now?” Seongwoo laughs to cover up his own embarrassment.

 

Daniel feels his pulse thrumming; every beat of his heart sends his blood pulsing underneath the surface of his skin until his skin feels like it’s tingling, like his mortal form can barely contain his soul. Everything feels alive, almost too alive in that very moment; he’s overwhelmed by the rush of affection he feels for the man grinning up at him, hair soft and unstyled and smelling like Daniel’s shampoo falling into twilight eyes.

 

He stares down at Seongwoo with a breathless grin and wonders what he ever did to deserve this beautiful and compassionate man in his arms. He must have saved a nation in his past life or freed a country from slavery. “Say that again,” he ducks down to whisper huskily into Seongwoo’s ears, rubbing his face against Seongwoo’s jawline affectionately like a cat, “Call me that again.”

 

Seongwoo’s face is flushed cherry tomato red by his own boldness but he acquiescences under the force of Daniel’s undeniable delight. “ _Yeobo_ ,” he whispers again, giddy with his own pleasure at Daniel’s easy acceptance at the intimate address.

 

Sure enough, Daniel is grinning from ear to ear, his expression is brighter than the morning sun and he squeals happily, tightening his hold on Seongwoo and rolling them both back and down on the bed, unable to contain himself from needing to express how a single word could make him feel.

 

“Again!” he insists, giggling into Seongwoo’s neck.

 

“ _Yeobo_ ,” Seongwoo calls more confidently this time, pressing kisses into Daniel’s hairline, “time to get up. Let’s go eat, you’re looking too thin.”

 

He wraps up his scolding by poking at Daniel’s stomach, running his palms over thinner arms with a displeased frown. “You didn’t eat well again,” Seongwoo continues his fussing, thumbing the slightly faded shadows under Daniel’s eyes, “And you haven’t been sleeping well either. Let’s get some food into you and then you can take a nap.”

 

Daniel beams under the attention, leaning down to press two light kisses to Seongwoo’s lips quickly, sneaking a third one when he couldn’t bear to stop and finally pushing himself up and off of Seongwoo. “You’re one to talk, _hyung_ ,” he chides in return, stretching his arms and joints in his spine popping, “I can see the circles under your eyes too.”

 

Seongwoo lets himself get pulled off the bed with a sheepish smile, “I was busy filming, there wasn’t much time to sleep. We started napping everwhere inbetween the shoots, I lost count of how many times I passed out on a chair while someone was fixing my make-up.”

 

Seongwoo doesn’t say that he had barely managed to sleep for the few precious hours they were given because he had been obsessively checking his phone for replies from Daniel or any news their friends might pass along. But Daniel hears what hasn’t been spoken and wraps his arms around Seongwoo’s waist again, hiding a grimace of how thin he had gotten into a bony shoulder, head bowed silently in apology.

 

Seongwoo pats his hands gently, walking towards the washroom and dragging Daniel behind him. “Come on,” he coaxes, “wash up and let’s go eat. There’s nothing edible left in that fridge and if there was any food left in there that hasn’t rotted, it’s been pumped with enough preservatives to come out of your digestive track untouched.”

 

“I cleaned out the fridge before I left,” Daniel mumbles into Seongwoo’s shoulderblade and is treated to an amused look and an eyebrow raised in disbelief.

 

“Okay fine,” he admends, laughing at being caught, “Jisung _hyung_ tried to nag me into cleaning out the fridge until Minhyun _hyung_ got fed up and came over to take everything that was usable and chucked the rest.”

 

“Is _that_ what Minhyunnie’s ‘you owe me’ meant then?” Seongwoo snorts, recalling the cryptic text. They brush their teeth side by side before Seongwoo takes in Daniel’s mussed and unkempt look and nudges him towards the shower.

 

Daniel starts pulling his clothes off without a thought, only pausing in shucking his jeans off when he catches sight of Seongwoo’s frozen form in the mirror. He blushed fiercely when Seongwoo doesn’t look away, feeling the flush start from the heat at the base of his neck and spread downwards.

 

“Huh,” Seongwoo says faintly as if unaware he is speaking out loud, eyes tracing the path of Daniel’s blush towards his navel, “I guess it does go all the way down.”

 

Then it’s Seongwoo’s turn to blush when he registers his own words, the colour high on his cheeks and staining his collarbones a lovely pink that Daniel can’t help but stare at. Feeling bold, he swallows and then holds Seongwoo’s gaze steadily in the mirror as he pushes his jeans off entirely, leaving him only in his boxers.

 

Seongwoo’s blush intensifies but he doesn’t look away, watching intently even as his Adam’s apple trembled with each breath. Daniel takes one step closer and then another step, and another, until he’s standing with his bare chest flush against Seongwoo’s back. The material of Seongwoo’s sweater is soft from too many washes and Daniel ignores how his skin pebbles from the cool air in favour of nosing along the nape of Seongwoo’s neck.

 

He deliberately holds his gaze while pressing a kiss to the underside of Seongwoo’s jaw, tracing that elegant jawline he’s longed to worship tenderly until his lips brush against the shorter man’s earlobe. “Shower? Should we save some water?” he asks, voice husky and low, rumbling in his chest.

 

Daniel can feel the slight tremble running through Seongwoo’s spine as his palms come to rest heavily on his hyung’s shapely hipbones, thumbs sneaking underneath the hem of his sweater to brush against bare skin.

 

Seongwoo gulps and then spins in Daniel’s hold, throwing his own arms around Daniel’s neck, head tilting back to display the elegant arch of his throat with a lazy grin. His fingers play with the short hairs at the base of Daniel’s neck idly as he presses against Daniel deliberately, smile just on the edge of sly.

 

“Just a shower?”

 

“Yeah,” Daniel agrees breathlessly, fingers already impatiently sliding under the elastic waist of Seongwoo’s sweatpants.

 

He freezes, eyes wide and heart thudding against his ribcage when he finds nothing but skin underneath for his fingers to explore. “ _Hyung_ ,” he gulps, fingers spasming as he wonders whether or not he’s allowed to touch, “You’re not, you’re not wearing–”

 

Seongwoo chuckles low in his throat, pressing a kiss to the corner of Daniel’s mouth even at his tongue darts out briefly to taste his lips mischievously. “I’m not,” he confirms, relishing in the slight whine that his confirmation draws from the back of Daniel’s throat and the feeling of blunt fingertips pressing into the swell of his backside as Daniel struggled to regain his composure, “I was in a rush and it was cold earlier with the heat turned off.”

 

Rubbing his cheek against warm broad shoulders, he peers up coyly at Daniel’s slightly stupefied expression, “But you’ll warm me up, right?”

 

Daniel’s breath stutters as he tries to process the implication, stopping dead when Seongwoo steps out of his hold and easily strips his clothes off, baring smooth expanses of skin before Daniel’s eyes without an ounce of shame. Even in the harsh lights of their cramped bathroom, his hyung looked beautiful, like his every dream come to life in a way he never dared to imagine would be realized.

 

The sound of running water jolts him out of his thoughts and he refocuses to see Seongwoo smirking at him as he steps under the spray of warm water, “Coming?”

 

Daniel nearly trips over himself in his haste to finish undressing, stumbling into the shower and against Seongwoo who only laughed at his eagerness. His palms meet a bare, wet chest as Seongwoo uses himself as a cushion to stop Daniel from tripping into a wall, slender arms encircling his waist as Seongwoo pulled him close. “Woah, slow down there, love,” he chuckles, “There’s no rush.”

 

Daniel’s mind flashes to their deadline, to two weeks but then gentle fingers are turning his chin towards perceptive eyes and Seongwoo’s smile. “No rush,” he repeats, “We have forever.”

 

“Forever?” Daniel questions, pressing tight against Seongwoo for affirmation.

 

“Forever, if you want it,” Seongwoo intones solemnly, leaning up to seal his promise with a kiss.

 

Daniel closes his eyes and leans into the kiss, savouring the slow, unhurried press of lips against lips. When Seongwoo pulls again, he grins and darts forward to press peck to Daniel’s nose before reaching over to snag Daniel’s shampoo.

 

“Turn around,” Seongwoo instructs, squirting a generous amount of shampoo into his palms and Daniel turns without hesitation.

 

Clever fingers work their way into his hair, kneading against his scalp until Daniel is purring under Seongwoo’s ministrations, feeling the stress from the last few days slowly drain out of his temples and wash away with the last of the soap suds. He turns to return the favour but Seongwoo just shakes his head, reaching for the body wash Daniel prefers instead.

 

Hands slippery with soap come to hover above Daniel’s shoulders and Seongwoo looks at him imploringly, waiting for permission, “Let me take care of you?”

 

Daniel just laughs even as he nods, “Haven’t you been doing that all along?”

 

“As more than that,” Seongwoo murmurs, focusing on his self-imposed task of scrubbing Daniel clean, “officially.”

 

Daniel gasps as Seongwoo’s hand brushes against a sensitive part of his anatomy. “Seongwoo _hyung_ ,” he tries to sound scandalized, “Are you asking me to be your boyfriend while you have your hand on my dick?”

 

At that, Seongwoo’s hand pauses from its place on Daniel’s thigh and he slowly moves to wrap his hand around Daniel’s dick. “Are you complaining?” he teases as Daniel chokes out a gasp, giving the organ a playful tug, “Do you not want to be my boyfriend? Or…”

 

He lets go to trails his fingers teasingly along Daniel’s hipbone, tracing random lines against his butt, “…did you want my hand somewhere else?”

 

Daniel squeaks when Seongwoo’s fingers get a tad too daring, “ _Hyung_!”

 

“Sorry,” Seongwoo chuckles, hand retreating but Daniel reaches out to grab his wrist, pulling the errant hand back towards his front with a fierce blush.

 

“H-here is okay,” he admits, and Seongwoo laughs lowly, leaning forward to chase the blush heading down Daniel’s chest with his lips while he wraps his hand around Daniel’s member obligingly.

 

Daniel’s breath hitches in his throat when Seongwoo starts to move his hand, slow but firm, stopping a moment to squeeze more body wash into his palm before returning his attentions to Daniel. The pink hair boy shudders and leaned his forehead against Seongwoo’s shoulder, hands coming up blindly gripping at hair and raking down a lean back as he sighed his pleasure.

 

“That’s it,” Seongwoo croons, ducking his head to catch Daniel’s mouth with his, breaking from their previously chaste kisses to slip his tongue into Daniel’s mouth.

 

Daniel let himself melt into Seongwoo’s touches, letting his presence overwhelm his senses, sinking deeper into the languid kiss. He can feel his nerves singing as ever sensation became heightened, raking his nails along Seongwoo’s flank in a way that _definitely_ left a mark when the older twists his hand just so, pressing his free hand into Daniel’s lower back, encouraging the younger to fuck into his grip.

 

He does so eagerly, mouthing along Seongwoo’s shoulders and neck, licking and sucking his mark into the skin, senses singing with a sense of triumph at being allowed to leave his claim for all to see. Seongwoo only tilted his head to the other side, offering up more of himself to Daniel even as he sped up his motions, drawing a pleasured groan from the other, muffled as it was against wet skin.

 

“That’s it, that’s it love,” Seongwoo gasps breathlessly, pressing his own length against Daniel’s hip and grinding against a firm thigh as Daniel rut against his hand with increasing desperation, “Keep going, that’s it.”

 

Everything seems to narrow down to the feeling of Seongwoo against him, the feel of that hand around him and the sound of their labored breathing echoing loudly in the shower as they chased their pleasure together. Daniel knew of nothing else but the taste and smell and feel of Seongwoo, hips jerking forward frantically until he came undone at Seongwoo’s hands, his release splashing white against the other’s chest and stomach is washed away by the running water.

 

Seongwoo’s hand slows but doesn’t stop, working him through the aftershocks of his climax as he slumped against the older man heavily, spent. Daniel nuzzles lazily against one of the many marks he had sucked into Seongwoo’s skin and lets himself be maneuvered under the shower head, swiftly cleaned, and then ushered out of the cooling spray and into a fluffy towel.

 

“ _Hyung_ ,” he frowns, reaching out towards Seongwoo when he realizes he can’t recall his hyung reaching his own release, “Did you?”

 

Seongwoo shushes him, pressing a tender kiss to damp hair and then leaning down to meet him when Daniel whines, craning his head upwards for a proper kiss. “I’m fine,” he whispers against Daniel’s lips, nipping at his bottom lip playfully.

 

“Seeing you like that was enough to,” he cuts himself off with a laugh when Daniel blushes with the realization despite everything they’ve just done, “Anyways, let’s get dressed. We’re meeting Jisung _hyung_ for lunch.”

 

“When did you have time to arrange that?” Daniel asks, puzzled, even as he moves to get ready.

 

“Yesterday night,” Seongwoo calls over his shoulder as he deems his hair dry enough and wraps his towel around his waist, “You were still sleeping but he called, he was worried. And dry your hair or you’ll catch another cold.”

 

Daniel grins at him sheepishly, feeling the droplets of water from his hair roll down his neck and soak into the wife beater he had just pulled on. Seongwoo rolls his eyes in exasperation before snagging Daniel’s towel and stepping forward to dry his hair for him as was their routine.

 

“When you’re overseas,” he murmurs softly, “You’ll have to dry your hair yourself, okay?”

 

Daniel stares at him with wide startled eyes at the reminder and Seongwoo looks back serenely. “But while you’re here with me, and when you come back to me, I guess it’s okay to spoil you,” he declares, toweling the pink strands dry with a practiced hand.

 

“Done! Now go get dressed,” he laughs when Daniel turns to wrap his arms around Seongwoo again, pressing lazy kisses against all the forming hickies along his _hyung_ ’s neck, “Get dressed!”

 

“Can’t we just call Jisung _hyung_ to cancel and get take-out?” Daniel cajoles, “I want to stay in, I want to just be with you.”

 

“After lunch,” Seongwoo insists even as he makes no move to stop Daniel from sneaking a hand underneath his towel, leaning into the touch with a pleased hum, “He was really worried about you. About the both of us. Let’s go see him and then we can stay in for the rest of the day, hm?”

 

Daniel pulls away reluctantly at the reminder of how much stress he had put Jisung through in the past couple of weeks, “Alright.”

 

“Good,” Seongwoo throws the door open and then flicks off the lights, meandering towards his room, “Besides, you still haven’t answered me.”

 

“Answered what?”

 

“Why, Mr. Kang!” Seongwoo gasps all theatrical even as he steps into his boxers and riffles through his closet for something clean and presentable, “You’ve yet to make an honest man out of me even though you took such _liberties_ earlier! What would my mother say?”

 

Daniel splutters in shock, “ _Liberties? Me?_ If I recall it was _you_ who grabbed my dick!”

 

“And you propositioned me,” Seongwoo sniffed, nose in the air primly, sliding on a knit cardigan over a plain long-sleeved tee, “Inviting me into the shower with you like that.”

 

“You didn’t have to accept,” Daniel insists even as he stole his favourite sweater of Seongwoo’s from his hyung’s closet and slipped it on, sticking his tongue out when Seongwoo shot him a look, “And your mother loves me but she probably doesn’t need to hear about what we do in the, uh, in the bedroom.”

 

“But we haven’t done anything in the bedroom,” Seongwoo points out with a cheeky smile, eyeing his bed slyly as he took a seat on the edge and rakes his eyes up and down Daniel’s half-clothed form.

 

Daniel growls low in his throat and stalked over, dropping into Seongwoo’s lap and pushing the other onto his back until he was caged under his arms. “Don’t tempt me or we’re not making it to that lunch.”

 

Seongwoo hummed contemplatively, reaching up to snag the back of Daniel’s neck and pulling him in for a breath-stealing kiss. “We’ll fix that after lunch,” he declares when he finally releases Daniel, pulling away with a wet smack.

 

He shoves at Daniel who’s still dazed from the heated kiss until he stands and heads towards his room to find a pair of serviceable pants; Daniel would have stolen something from Seongwoo except his thighs would never fit in Seongwoo’s skinny jeans. He meets Seongwoo at the door of their apartment, pleased when the other reaches over to naturally entwine their fingers, keys dangling in his other hand.

 

“Ready?”

 

Daniel pulls their joined hands towards himself and presses a kiss to Seongwoo’s knuckles.

 

“With you? I’m ready for anything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea how that scene worked itself in, but it did. I was fully intending on it being all fluffy and cute but nope, nope. We got smut (kinda?) instead. I'm sorry, I'm still awkward in writing it (this is what? my second attempt at such a scene?), hope you guys liked it?
> 
> Not much movement in plot really, but let's just let our boys be happy together right now, yes?
> 
> Let me know what you guys think! And or come shout at me on twitter @AStrangeDaze where I also scream about things as I write, throw around ideas, or announce new projects :) 
> 
> Oh! Also I made a curiouscat for fun: https://curiouscat.me/AStrangeDaze Ask me anything! See you guys next time~


	22. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Resolve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap, has it really been over a month? I can only offer apologies and hope this chapter is sufficient >_<
> 
> Unbeta'd as always, sorry for the typos!

Daniel doesn’t realize how hungry he is until they step into the restaurant and he’s hit by the mouth-watering scent of sizzling meat and hot bubbling stews that has his stomach rumbling instantaneously in response. Immediately he turns wide hopeful eyes towards Seongwoo, swinging their joined hands back and forth as the older man scans the restaurant for signs of Jisung. “ _Hyung_ , are you having meat today?”

 

Seongwoo waves when he makes eye contact with their friend and then pulls Daniel along behind him, Jisung perking up in his seat and giving them a wide grin and a thumbs up when he notices they were holding hands. Seongwoo turns to take a look and snorts at how Daniel’s hopeful look has started to morph into a pout at his lack of response. “Do you want meat?” he asks noncommittally.

 

“Yes!” the younger boy perks up immediately, the metaphorical tail wagging behind him almost visible in his glee, “You’ll treat me, right _hyung_?”

 

“When am I not treating you?” Seongwoo complains without any heat behind his words.

 

“So are we having meat?” Daniel wheedles, tugging on Seongwoo’s arm even as they arrive at the table and Seongwoo greets Jisung, sitting down on the banquette and pulling Daniel with him.

 

“Where’s my hello?” Jisung demands, turning to Daniel with a frown, “After everything I’ve done for you, you’re going to ignore me in favour of meat? You brat!”

 

“Ah, _hyung_ , don’t be like that,” Daniel pouts at his closest friend, trying to fold his large frame up to look small and unassuming; it fails miserably and Jisung rolls his eyes, throwing a menu at Daniel instead.

 

The younger boy catches it easily and then flips it open, humming under his breath until he gets to the page with the boneless marinated ribs, punctuating his find with a delighted wiggle. “ _Hyung_ ,” he turns the menu slowly towards Seongwoo, pointing at the dishes that he wanted with wide eyes, “Meat?”

 

Seongwoo rolled his eyes at all the expensive beef cuts that Daniel was pointing to, “Two of those at most, darling; I’m not made of money.”

 

Daniel pouts, “That’s not what you’re supposed to call me now.”

 

When Seongwoo looked at him quizzically, Daniel’s pout only intensified as Jisung watched on in amusement, sipping his tea. When Seongwoo looked towards him for help, the older man’s expression conveyed a clear sense of ‘he’s your problem now’ and his silent mirth as he flipped open another menu to pick out a modestly priced stew to go with Daniel’s extravagant demands for Korean beef.

 

Seongwoo looked back at his sulking boyfriend before turning flag down a waiter and placing their order. When he finished, Daniel leaned closer to whisper, “That’s not what you called me this morning.”

 

Jisung watched as Seongwoo’s face flushed red all in an instant, his cheeks burning so hot they could have probably grilled the meat on his face instead. “I’m not calling you that in public!” he hissed, “Jisung _hyung_ is sitting _right_ there!”

 

The eldest pulled a face, “This better not be something nasty guys, or I’m walking out right now. I refuse to put up with dirty talk at the dinner table!”

 

“It’s not _dirty_ and we’re eating lunch,” Seongwoo spluttered, glaring at his unrepentant boyfriend who only leaned closer with a shit-eating grin, “Stop that!”

 

“You said it this morning,” Daniel points out, a hint of a whine in his voice as Seongwoo rolled his eyes.

 

“Yes, in private,” Seongwoo insisted even as Jisung lifted his fingers to plug his ears and start chanting nonsense under his breath to drown them out, “Why are you insisting on this?”

 

Daniel shifts uncomfortably in his seat, eyeing Jisung and knowing that his _hyung_ was paying attention even as he pretended to ignore them. “I like it when you’re calling me your’s,” he admits finally in a low voice, “It reminds me of that I can finally call you mine too.”

 

Seongwoo hides his face in his hands, completely unprepared for the mushy sentiments Daniel would spout so easily in the middle of this crowded restaurant even as his heart sang with delight. Jisung is watching them both with an amused tilt to his lips, the silence broken when their server returns with their side dishes and excuses himself to light the grill. As the rest of their food is piled onto the table, Seongwoo sidles up closer to Daniel and turns to bury his nose into the younger’s hair.

 

“Do you really want me to call you that in public?” he murmurs against the delicate shell of Daniel’s ear, delighting in the slight shiver that runs through his boyfriend at the ticklish sensation, “In front of Jisung? All our friends will know within the hour; the teasing will be merciless.”

 

“I don’t care,” Daniel declares, “unless…you don’t want to?”

 

Seongwoo doesn’t really want to be teased to hell and back, but more than that, he wants to make Daniel happy. And by the hope shining through clearly in the younger boy’s eyes, he supposed being made fun of by all their friends would be worth the price. After all, he thought wryly, they did always complain that the two of them acted like they were married already.

 

“Alright,” Seongwoo agrees, willing his blush away as he reaches for the tongs and flips the meat that Jisung had silently started to grill, “If that’s what you want.”

 

Conversation picks up normally after that, with Daniel complaining that the meat was taking too long to cook and dramatically complaining about his head hurting, that he felt faint, until Jisung picked up the entire dish of kimchi with his chopsticks and shoving it into Daniel’s mouth mid-complaint. Daniel chews around the giant wad of fermented cabbage as best as he can, glaring while Seongwoo doubled over snickering. Seongwoo’s sniggers are broken with a yelp when Daniel smacks his arm for not being sympathetic while still chewing on the kimchi petulantly.

 

Exchanging a fond look with Jisung, Seongwoo picks through the grilling meat quickly until he finds a piece that’s cooked enough to eat, making a wrap and holding it up to Daniel’s lips in apology. The younger boy purses his lips and turns away playfully, and Seongwoo sighs. “ _Yeobo_ ,” he calls, faithfully ignoring the sound of Jisung choking on his mouthful of meat and coughing wildly, “weren’t you hungry? I made a wrap for you.”

 

Immediately Daniel turns around, delighted that he was getting his way in more ways than one, and opens his mouth obediently to let Seongwoo feed him.

 

“What. The. Hell.” Jisung finally chokes out, glaring as he takes a sip of tea to soothe his throat, “I know you guys already act like you’re married, but seriously, _yeobo_?!”

 

Seongwoo struggles to keep a straight face even as the tips of his ears turn bright red, giving away his embarrassment. Daniel just giggles happily, flinging an arm around Seongwoo’s shoulders and pulling him close to press a noisy kiss on his cheek. The elder grimaces, wiping at his cheek and whining, “Urgh, you got grease all over my cheek!”

 

In response, Daniel grabs a napkin to wipe his lips quickly before ducking his head to kiss Seongwoo full on the mouth. Seongwoo squeaks in surprise just as the both get hit in the face with Jisung’s napkin, the older man glowering at them from across the table.

 

“Ya!” he screamed, “I’m right here! **Right here**!”

 

Seongwoo shoves Daniel off of him and clears his throat awkwardly, not making eye contact with either of them, as Daniel laughs sheepishly, “Sorry _hyung_.”

 

“I can’t believe I thought things would be better after you got together,” Jisung grumbles under his breath, grilling the meat with aggressive motions, “Of course you’re going to be _that_ couple. Why did I think otherwise? Oh Lord, what have I done wrong in my previous life to deserve this?”

 

“ _Hyung_ , we’re sorry. We’ll be good, promise,” Seongwoo turned his best apologetic look towards his friend, nudging Daniel until the younger also apologized.

 

“Yeah, we’ll tone it down, sorry Jisung _hyung_ ,” Daniel added, contrite, “It’s just, we only have two weeks now so…”

 

“Ah,” Jisung’s irked expression dropped into something more sympathetic, “So you’ve decided then?”

 

Daniel accepts another bite of food from Seongwoo’s chopsticks and nods, letting his boyfriend answer for him.

 

“I want what’s best for him, so if this could help, he understands I’ll support and stand by any decision he makes,” Seongwoo explains with a subdued smile, reaching over to lace their fingers together, “We’ve waited this long for each other, a year won’t change anything.”

 

Jisung gives them a watery smile as he starts to tear up though he’s quick to blink away the tears, turning away with a sniffle and a quick cough, “I’m glad. I’m really glad, Niel-ah. And Seongwoo, thank you.”

 

Seongwoo laughs a little wetly himself, placing some of the grilled meat onto Jisung’s plate with his free hand, “Don’t thank me, _hyung_. If anything, I should thank you for always being there for Niel all these years. And for putting up with us for so long.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

The next two weeks seem to past by in a blink of an eye.

 

Throughout it all, Daniel never strays far from Seongwoo, and Seongwoo never steps out of Daniel’s orbit; Seongwoo’s face is the first thing Daniel sees when he wakes and the last thing he sees before he closes his eyes at night. It feels like everything he’s ever wanted, a dream-like haze settles over his senses, and he has to stop at times to centre himself, to let it sink into his soul that this is real now, that he can have this.

 

The new couple eats their way through ever restaurant they’ve been meaning to try. Daniel drags Seongwoo skating at a new ice rink and the both of them slip and fall everywhere until they spend more time scooting around on their butts, laughing too hard to care about the forming bruises or the cold. They sample every brand of hot chocolate and gourmet coffee their town has to offer, and Seongwoo surprises Daniel with a visit to the grand opening of a cat café.

 

They go shopping for everything Daniel might need overseas, Seongwoo insisting that Daniel stock up on all his favourite brands of toiletries and skincare products, new underwear, socks without holes. He piles his arms high with thicker sweaters and badgers him into picking out a thicker winter jacket. They laugh and joke around in the boutiques and department stores, sneaking kisses in change rooms, and together they manage to make it fun. Seongwoo treats it like a start to an epic adventure and Daniel finds it hard not to follow, it’s easy to get caught up in his boyfriend’s enthusiasm and more preferable than letting the uncertainty lapping at the edges of his mind seep through.

 

Their friends are informed in short order that Daniel was going overseas, though Daniel doesn’t get into the reasoning for it, and though they are surprised at the short notice, everyone is excited and supportive of his decision. The news of his impending year abroad is eclipsed by the collective elation and relief across the board the first time Seongwoo and Daniel joins their friends for a group dinner hand in hand and Daniel is caught sneaking a quick peck to Seongwoo’s lips as they sit down just because he can now.

 

Hyunbin points at the couple and just starts screaming, while Taewoong exclaims ‘fucking finally’ loud enough for the other diners to turn and give them reproachful looks at the profanity. The couple just laughs sheepishly as Jisung starts on a rant about how everyone needs to watch out for them now, recounting the lunch he third-wheeled them on, ending his anecdote with the fact that Seongwoo is shameless enough to call Daniel ‘ _yeobo_ ’ in public.

 

Their friends mockingly cry out in disgust though their smiles remain wide and everyone keeps coming up to them throughout the night, wishing them well and congratulating them on actually getting together. Even Minki stops to congratulate Daniel and apologize for his harsh words previously under Jonghyun’s watchful eye, though his expression made it quite clear it was under duress that he allowed such words to pass through his lips.

 

“Guys, stop,” Seongwoo finally says after the fifth person pulls him aside after their group has migrated to a noraebang Jaehwan haunts frequently, like a spirit with unfulfilled wishes, “It’s not like we’re getting married, we’re dating. Really, stop.”

 

Jaehwan just sniffs imperiously, “We had to put up with your shit for _years_ , we’re allowed to be dramatic and relieved about you finally getting your heads out of your asses.”

 

“And,” Minhyun throws over his shoulder as he walks by on his way to the washroom, “If you guys get married without telling us or announce it last minute like this, we will have _words_.”

 

Seongwoo shudders and stares at Jaehwan wide-eyed, “How does that man manage to be that threatening while remaining completely civil and without raising his voice?”

 

Jaehwan shrugs helplessly and pushes a plate towards Seongwoo in lieu of an answer, “Cake?”

 

Seongwoo accepts the plate and feeds half of the cake to Daniel; Jaehwan makes a noise of disgust and walks away from them when Daniel starts making what he calls “those heart eyes” at Seongwoo again.

 

“What do you think they’ll do when they hear you calling me _yeobo_?” Daniel teases, eyes dancing as he accepts another forkful of cake.

 

Seongwoo chuckles and leans forward to kiss the excess chocolate away from the corner of Daniel’s mouth, “It’ll be a screaming contest, who knows who will win.”

 

“My money is on Hyunbin,” Daniel snickers before winding an arm around Seongwoo’s waist and the slighter man curls up against his side with a content sigh as they sit and watch as their friends fool around, with Hyunbin trying and failing to keep up with the blaring rap lyrics and Jaehwan refusing the relinquish the mic in his grip to a squawking Jisung.

 

“Shall we join them?” Seongwoo suggests, standing and offering a hand to Daniel, which the other man accepts and allows himself to be pulled up, snagging a stray tambourine on his way.

 

“Let’s!” he agrees and the two of them barrel onto the scene, screaming lyrics into the microphone beside Hyunbin while dancing about wildly.

 

Later that night they will return to the privacy of their own home and fall into bed, comfortably wrapped around each other. Later that night Daniel’s hands will relearn all the paths along Seongwoo’s skin that make him sigh in pleasure and find the sweetest comfort in the familiar taste of his lips. But for now, they lose themselves eagerly in laughter and the synergy of the room, surrounded by the best company in the world.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Daniel stares uncomprehendingly at the letters and number darting across the screen mounted on the wall, one hand clenched tightly around the handle of his luggage and the other clutching Seongwoo’s fingers hard enough to start cutting off his circulation.

 

“Is it too late to change my mind now?” he asks weakly.

 

Seongwoo’s only response is to press a kiss to his cheek before rubbing his thumb over the back of Daniel’s hand soothingly before he pulls Daniel towards the line up for him to check-in and get his baggage checked.

 

Daniel is silent as they slowly move up in the line, eking out the shortest responses he can get away with as Seongwoo handles most of the proceedings for him, speaking easily with the middle-aged woman behind the counter. He accepts his passport and boarding pass woodenly, letting Seongwoo guide him into a shallow bow as the older man thanks the woman and steers him towards where the rest of Daniel’s friends are waiting.

 

They had already delayed checking in for as long as possible, dragging out a farewell lunch. Only Jisung and Taewoong had accompanied them to the airport since they only had one car and too much luggage to fit in a fifth person in the back. Seeing Daniel’s despondent look, Jisung shoots to his feet, dragging Taewoong off his seat to wrap Daniel in a group hug. “You’re going to be fine,” Jisung whispers into his ear as Daniel clutches at the back of his jacket with stiff fingers, holding his brother in all but blood tightly.

 

Jisung steps back to let Taewoong hug Daniel properly. “We’re going to miss you,” the other man squeezes him and then strains to lift Daniel up briefly, startling a laugh out of Daniel, “Remember to eat and sleep properly yeah? We can’t check on you from so far away, so you have to take care of yourself.”

 

“What happened to make you mom instead of Jisung?” Daniel questions with a weak chuckle, “I’ll be good, promise. If I’m not, I won’t put it past you guys to find a way to nag me even from miles away.”

 

“Glad you know it,” Taewoong declares with a grin, slapping him on the back and stepping back as well with a nod towards Seongwoo.

 

Daniel stares as his boyfriend smiles at him softly, barely aware of Jisung and Taewoong moving further off to give them some semblance of privacy. Seongwoo opens his arms and Daniel steps into them eagerly, ducking his head to hide his tears against Seongwoo’s shoulders, letting the warmth and familiarity of Seongwoo’s scent envelop him.

 

“Hey,” his boyfriend murmurs against his temple, pressing kisses on every spot on the crown of Daniel’s head that he can reach without dislodging the younger boy’s hold on him.

 

“I’m going to miss you,” Daniel mumbles against the soft weave of Seongwoo’s sweater, neither of them commenting on the growing wet spot, “Every second, every minute. I’m going to miss you so much.”

 

“And I’m going miss you just as much,” Seongwoo promises, “You’re so brave for taking this step. One year. You’re going to meet new friends and see so many new places, it’s going to be amazing, you’ll learn so much, darling. Don’t let us, don’t let me hold you back.”

 

“It’s going to feel like forever,” Daniel whines, clinging tightly and refusing to lift his head.

 

“Time goes by faster than you expect it to sometimes, love,” Seongwoo continues soothingly, rocking them side to side.

 

He drops a soft chaste kiss to Daniel’s lips when he lifts his head, silencing the protest hovering on them before it can form fully, “We’ll chat every day. Just remember that no matter the distance, I’m always here for you.”

 

“You’ll wait for me for a year?” Daniel asks again, needing that confirmation to a question he already knows the answer to.

 

“I would wait forever,” Seongwoo intones solemnly with the surety of a thousand sunrises, steady and unchanging.

 

It takes forever for Daniel to untangle himself from Seongwoo, every movement reluctant, but he finally allows himself to be herded towards the departure gate. He counts every kiss that he steals though Seongwoo would have given him as many as he asked for without complaint, memorizing the feel of his boyfriend, his scent and taste, until he is certain he would forget his own name before he lost the memory of Seongwoo mouth pressed so sweetly against his.

 

“Go,” Seongwoo urges when Daniel hesitates at the entrance again, “Go and do what you need to do, love. Call us when you’ve landed safely and settled in.”

 

Daniel steels himself and walks towards the gate. He allows himself one last look backwards, just long enough to read the declaration of love form across Seongwoo’s lips, to blow a kiss back, before he turns around resolutely before his resolve leaves him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Daniel finds his gate easily enough, fiddling restlessly with the strap of his duffle bag, though he almost misses the announcement for boarding to begin for his section of the plane. The air in the place has an odd scent to it that reminds him uncomfortably of hospitals, though the smiles of the fight attendants more are plastic than the harried smiles a nurse would wear.

 

He’s directed to his seat easily enough and stands up twice to help more elderly passengers store their carry on luggage in the compartments above. The seats are narrow and he finds himself trying to curl inwards to fit and not intrude on his neighbour’s space, though his knees press against the back of the seat in front of his regardless of how much he tries to shrink into himself.

 

The flight is just a little under eleven hours and he’s too restless to sleep regardless of how tired he feels so he watches a bunch of Pixar movies instead, letting the sound of English sink into his brain, mouthing along to the words silently. They’re served two meals that tastes surprisingly better than what he had been expecting given the horror stories he’s heard about airplane food.

 

Just as Daniel was about to choose another movie, the PA system comes to life and their captain announces that they will be landing shortly, requesting all passengers to please return to their seats and fasten their seatbelts. Daniel tightens his nervously though it doesn’t stop his ears from popping uncomfortably, nor can he resist clutching at the armrest tightly when their landing jolts him in his seat.

 

When the seatbelt sign turns off, he stands, barely missing hitting the low ceiling with his head, and rushes to help the elderly couple next to him retrieve their luggage. They thank him profusely and Daniel grins, glad to be of service, before hefting his own duffle bag over his shoulder and slowly shuffling out with the rest of the line.

 

Passing through customs is uneventful, although it seems to take forever for their luggage to be unloaded from the plane, and then Daniel is stepping through the gates and making his way towards the taxi stands, getting his first taste of what the UK feels like.

 

It’s surprisingly underwhelming; Daniel isn’t sure what he had expected, but other than the signs being in English and most people around him looking distinctly not Asian, it’s not the strange, alien place he had been preparing himself for. Part of him snorts and chides himself – it’s a different country, not a different planet – but it’s a relief more than anything.

 

He pulls out the sheaf of papers from his bag and pushing his luggage along towards the taxi stand and he’s directed to a free cab within moments. The gentleman there gives him a polite nod and helps him load everything into the back, asking him where he’s headed and Daniel slips into the car, giving him an address he’s practised reciting for days in careful English.

 

His pronunciation seems to pass the test and the driver nods knowingly before pulling away from the curb. They make some small talk, Daniel confirms that he’s a student here on exchange, learns the man has two children also of university age right now, and then accidentally dozes off against the window halfway to his hotel.

 

The driver shakes him awake gently when they arrive, chuckling good-naturedly under his breath when Daniel jolts awake and babbles in a mix of English and Korean. Daniel laughs sheepishly and then gives the man as generous a tip as he can afford to, before slowly dragging himself into the lobby of the hotel that he was arranged to stay in for the three days before the dorms of the University open again after holidays.

 

The moment he unlocks his assigned room with the key, the first thing he does is whip out his laptop and connect to the free wifi. It takes a minute or two for everything to load and then he’s video calling Seongwoo, leg tapping anxiously against the plush carpeting.

 

Seongwoo picks up in seconds and something in Daniel’s chest loosens at the sight of his boyfriend’s pixelated face filling up the screen.

 

“Hey you,” Seongwoo greets playfully, his face cast in a stark white glow in contrast to the unlit room around him, “How was the flight?”

 

“Not that bad,” Daniel settles onto the double bed, pulling the laptop screen closer as it that would bring Seongwoo closer to him as well, “I’m sorry, were you waiting up for me?”

 

“Do you think I could have slept without knowing you had landed safely?” his boyfriend asks with a raised eyebrow as he settles against his pillows comfortably, “Don’t worry about it.”

 

They talk for almost an hour before Seongwoo yawns too widely to be ignored and Daniel insists on him turning in for the night. “Don’t forget to message Jisung _hyung_ and the others,” Seongwoo reminds him even as he hide another jaw stretching yawn, “He’s probably still up and worried.”

 

“I won’t, I promise.”

 

The silence across the screens are comfortable and Daniel watches fondly as Seongwoo’s eyes slowly drift close, fingers aching to reach through the screen and push that stubborn lock of hair falling into his eyes back.

 

“I love you,” he croons softly instead, delighting in the smile that blossoms across Seongwoo’s face.

 

The other man puckers his lips and blows Daniel a kiss, “And I love you.”

 

“Can I stay on the line with you until you fall asleep?”

 

Seongwoo chuckles, “Mmm, if you want. Goodnight, _yeobo_.”

 

“Sweet dreams, my love,” Daniel whispers as he watches Seongwoo slip softly into his dreams, tracing the image on his laptop screen with his fingertips, heart aching and full to bursting with love for this man, “I love you so much.”

 

He stays on the video call even after Seongwoo falls asleep, unable to tear his eyes away. One year, he thinks to himself, smiling at the soft snuffling sounds of Seongwoo’s breathing, just one year.

 

Then he would be back in Seongwoo's arms where he belonged.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was so delayed and I'm so so so sorry.
> 
> With that being said, I do need to let you guys know that I will be on semi-hiatus until late/end of November due to personal reasons, I hope you will all understand.
> 
> I hope you guys liked this chapter, it fought me a lot and was re-written something like 5 times. As always comments are always appreciated, a huge thank you to everyone who takes the time to do so. It really means a lot to me and I read every single one of them; it makes my day to hear from you guys even if a lot of times I'm super awkward and don't know what to say back.
> 
>  
> 
> Quick shoutout as requested: the lovely admins for the W1 FF Awards would like to remind you all that the Awards are running and it's closer to the deadline for nominations now! They're working hard on this, so if you guys are interested, head on over to https://wannaoneffawards.tumblr.com/ and submit your nominations when you have a chance; they really appreciate everyone who takes the time to do so. 
> 
>  
> 
> See you all in December! <3


	23. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes we travel far to stay right where we are. Sometimes we don't realize how far we've come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter will discuss Daniel's depression and anxiety.
> 
> This is the start of his healing process and I apologize ahead of time if this triggers anyone. I can't vouch for exactly how accurate Daniel's struggles here are, or how 'real' the therapy he undergoes is, but I tried my best to do it justice.

London is new and dazzling.

 

Daniel is settled into his new residence for the next couple of months, a type of housing called an“Intercollegiate Hall” his guide tells him it’s called, his own university had suggested that option so that he would be able to meet people who attend other universities as well. (He doesn’t dwell on how much it cost to live here, he had sent a copy of his approved application to his parents weeks ago and woken up to a deposit in his account with a brief e-mail stating he had better make good connections over there and not embarrass them. He had smiled bitterly to himself because they have never approved of his choice of career but allowed it grudgingly because at least it was a ‘noble profession’ or one they could spin as such, then thrown himself into Seongwoo’s arms to remember what it felt like to be loved.) He shares a floor with nine other students from varying backgrounds but most of them he’s only had a chance to greet in passing in the first week, everyone’s schedules being so different.

 

He takes to exploring his campus, stumbling through the hallways in halting English to ask for directions before he’s confident enough to start wandering around the streets close by. The sights that he had missed when he first landed hit him once over the course of the next few weeks.

 

The buses look different, the cars are different models, the street signs aren’t the same and it rains as much as it snows. The buildings and architecture of the UCL are grand, a mix of the new and aged history, the shops surrounding the campus look like scenes from out of a movie. Passers-by keep to themselves, polite and distant, there is no ahjumma here calling out to tempt him with the mouthwatering food at her stand, no kindly ahjussi who strikes up a conversation on the train.

 

London is cold and foreign. Lonely.

 

Some days he wakes up and barely wants to get out of bed, has to force himself to go to class, remind himself he’s stronger than that, that he can get through the day.

 

Days where everything seems to blend in together, when the snow that falls doesn’t feel like it could possibly be cold because he feels numb all over, wandering the streets listlessly. Days where emotions are fleeting and he wonders if he’ll ever feel happy again and he’s desperately clinging to the one thing he has in the day to look forward to, his daily calls with Seongwoo.

 

He calls Seongwoo every day, calls him religiously, drinking in the sight of his boyfriend’s features through the screen, basks in his voice, commits each smile to memory because he’s determined to drown in it. Seongwoo keeps their calls lighthearted, teasing Daniel and urging him to be the friendly person he could be and make some new connections. He hesitates for a moment, barely half a second, and then asks Daniel if he’s started sessions with the school counsellor and Daniel nods, smiling tightly, he was going because he promised, not because he wanted to.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Dr. Blunt had been, contrary to Daniel’s expectations, a warm man in his forties with laugh lines and a small beer belly that was just starting to form. He was gentle with Daniel and treated him like a friend, no matter how much Daniel itched to claw his way out of his skin and run during their hour-long sessions.

 

“So, tell me more about this friend of your’s,” Dr. Blunt had prompted one day when Daniel had, haltingly, reluctantly, admitted that there was someone he had depended on when his depression got particularly bad.

 

“He, he’s my best friend. I call him every day. He makes me feel less…broken.”

 

“I’m glad that you have someone there to support you, Daniel. Now, what have we talked about in regards to negative thoughts?”

 

“To stop and re-evaluate,” Daniel parroted the doctor’s words from their previous sessions.

 

“Good, very good. Let’s take a look at what you just said right now then, you mentioned feeling broken, correct?”

 

“Yes,” he whispered, feeling the tension build in his shoulders as the discomfort of having to lay himself open mounted.

 

“Why do you think you’re broken, Daniel?”

 

“Because, because…” he laughed nervously, not sure what to say, how to explain it, “it just seems like, there’s something wrong with me, you know? Or else I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t be this way, wouldn’t feel like this all the time.”

 

“And how do you feel?”

 

“……..like nothing. Like I want so badly to feel something but I don’t. I’m just tired and then sometimes I get angry, but then it passes and I just feel empty again,” he opens his mouth but the words don’t want to come out so he shuts it uselessly, unsure of what else to say.

 

Dr. Blunt is patient as always, waiting to see if Daniel was going to continue before interjecting gently. “So if I’m hearing you correctly, you feel that there’s something wrong with you because you don’t feel as many emotions as you think you should, and you feel tired quite a bit, as well as feeling angry about this. Is that correct?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“But does that mean that you’re broken, Daniel? You may be diagnosed with depression, but you’re here at therapy working towards getting better. You’re doing well in school, from what you’ve mentioned, you have fulfilling relationships with your friends, and you are here overseas for an exchange program that I daresay you’re excelling in. Do you think someone who is broken could do all of this so well? Would your friends agree with that statement, that you’re broken or that something is wrong with you?”

 

Daniel opens his mouth to retort, to deny it all, but the good doctor’s look gives him pause and he forces himself to digest the questions properly, mulling it over in his mind. Dr. Blunt gives him a knowing look and continues softly, “Say that it’s a friend you know, one who’s kind and helpful, he’s smart and even studying overseas. Would you agree that he’s doing well?”

 

“….yes,” Daniel admits.

 

“Then don’t you think it’s fair to say the same for yourself? You’re doing very well, Daniel. Yes you’re struggling with a mental health issue, but you are not broken. Why don’t you try rephrasing your earlier statement?”

 

He bites his lip, brows furrowing under the patient gaze of his therapist. “I, I have a best friend who I call every day,” he begins hesitantly, “…and, and he makes me feel like I could…be a better person?”

 

“Okay,” Dr. Blunt nods encouragingly, “self-improvement is a positive thing, and having a friend that inspires you to want to do so is good. That was good Daniel, good job. Now, this friend, has he been supportive?”

 

“Very,” Daniel says, a soft smile coming across his face as it always does when he speak of Seongwoo, “He’s been very supportive, he’s actually the one who encouraged me to try studying abroad for a change of pace and to go back for therapy.”

 

“Good, that’s very good, I’m very glad to hear you have a strong support in your life.”

 

His sessions with Dr. Blunt gradually became more comfortable, Daniel found himself hesitating less over time, though he still struggled with remembering to stop and re-evaluate negative thoughts like Dr. Blunt always urged him to. He kept a daily thought journal as the doctor asked him to do for homework and, at his suggestion, took to working on it before his calls with Seongwoo, finishing up his entries before rewarding himself with his boyfriend’s lovely face. Sometimes, when there were entries that he felt particularly proud of, he would share them with Seongwoo, and the older man would give him such a proud smile that Daniel felt tingly inside.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Before he knew it, the semester was drawing to an end and he had been in London for almost four months, had been away from Seongwoo for almost four months. Somehow, everything has been both harder and easier than he thought it would be.

 

“You’ve been staring at your phone for an awfully long time.”

 

Daniel looks up to meet the amused gaze of his group members (friends, a little voice whispers in his ear), tucking away the phone with a sheepish laugh, “Sorry sorry, just, trying to get in contact with someone.”

 

“Girlfriend?” Lydia buts in, blue eyes twinkling with mischief, “You’re always turning people down when we hang out at the pub, you’re attached to someone, right?”

 

“Ah, um,” Daniel hesitates, wondering if he can trust them even as three pairs of inquisitive eyes stare back, Isabelle not even trying to hide her interest while Connor was starting to look a bit more than just sloshed, “….boyfriend, actually.”

 

“Oh!” Isabelle exclaims, “That’s a shame then, I was hoping to set you up with a friend of mine.”

 

Daniel laughs, relief flooding through him when no one makes any adverse comments about his sexuality, “Naw, I’m happily attached, thanks though Izzie.”

 

“I’m offended though,” Lydia complains, “We’ve known each other for months now, you’re due to leave, and you never mentioned anything. Come on, show us a picture or something, tell us more about him.”

 

Daniel grins, more than happy for an excuse to show off his boyfriend and unlocks his phone, pulling up one of the recent pictures Seongwoo had sent him from his last modelling shoot and turns the screen towards his friends proudly, “This is Seongwoo, he’s a year older than me.”

 

“ _Oh!_ ” Isabelle snatches the phone out of his hands, Lydia leaning close to take a better look as Conner cranes his neck to see, “ _Damn Daniel_ , are you dating a celebrity?”

 

“Uh, sort of?” Daniel laughs as the girls stare intently at the screen, enlarging the picture and _oohing_ and _aahing_ , “He’s a model, recently he’s started acting too.”

 

“Well damn, no wonder you’re not looking anywhere else,” Connor whistles, giving up on trying to see with the way the girls were hogging the phone, “A model and actor. You certainly don’t do anything by halves.”

 

“I didn’t go after him because of that,” Daniel protests, “We were friends for a long time before- hey!”

 

He lurches forward to grab his phone back even as the girls whine in protest when he notices they had been scrolling through his album, “Guys! Privacy!”

 

“He had an _underwear shoot_ , the hell we weren’t going to creep.”

 

“That’s my boyfriend you’re ogling,” Daniel snaps, “Go get your own.”

 

“I have one,” Lydia points out, “He just doesn’t look or pose like _that_. Besides, that’s from a photoshoot so that means it’s public property anyways.”

 

Isabelle laughs at the face Daniel pulls at the reminder, “Urgh, I know, they were on billboards for a department store and he had to go around with a face mask the entire time so people didn’t stare when he was out and about. And now _everyone_ knows what my boyfriend looks like under his shirt.”

 

“And his trousers,” Lydia quips, lurches sideways in laughter as Daniel pins her with a glare.

 

“Okay, okay, leave the poor guy alone, he’s clearly wound up because he’s too far to get some and can’t have any company but that of his own hand without jeopordizing his relationship with Mr. Underwear Model,” Connor jokes.

 

“Are you going back home to visit him then? You’re almost all packed now, right?” Lydia pouts, cutting in before Daniel would do more than make a face at Connor for his crass words, “You better not forget us all, it took forever for us to get you talking.”

 

“And now he doesn’t shut up,” Isabelle laughs, “But seriously, keep in contact with us, yeah?”

 

“I will, I will,” Daniel promises, “And no, I’m off to Canada next, then Australia, then home at the end of the year.”

 

“I want postcards!” Lydia declares immediately, loud enough for half the pub to hear.

 

“You’re going on exchange to America next year, get them yourself!”

 

“But that’s America, not Canada or Australia,” she whines.

 

“Canada is attached, just drive north!”

 

“It’s not the same!”

 

Daniel laughs as Izzie joins the argument as well, Connor getting up to buy another round, declaring he needed more alcohol to deal with all this noise even though he ends up getting the most worked up when they start debating the merits of different countries to go on exchange for. If there was anything characteristic of these three, it was the endless bickering - it had startled Daniel in the beginning, convincing him that their project was doomed to fail from the start with a group like this, but they strangely fed off each other’s energy like this and since then, arguing in good fun became second-nature. They certainly made his stay here more colourful, he muses, watching on as Connor’s Irish accent thickens to a point that Daniel can barely understand him and Izzie starts to shout back just as loudly, her complaints heavy with a Scottish brogue.

 

 

* * *

 

 

They see him off at the airport in much the same manner two days later, still bickering; Connor bumping shoulders with him and thumping him on the back while the two girls half-strangled him with hugs, demanding that he let them know when he lands safely. He has a box he has to ship home (when had he accumulated this much stuff), he’s left little gifts behind for the girls and Connor though they won’t find it till they get home, hell, he’s even left a thank you note with chocolates for Dr. Brunt with his secretary.

 

He boards the plane, a little more steady than he was the first time, a bit surer of what he’s doing and who is was as a person. The seats are still too small to be comfortable, the flight still has him startling every time turbulence hits them, but the smiles of the flight attendants are kind and he shares a bag of gummies with the child in front of him who sits on his sleeping mother’s head to face Daniel and giggles into the comic Daniel shows him, fingers sticky with sweet and sour candies.

 

Somewhere along the way, the boy’s mother wakes and after scolding her son for bothering Daniel and thanking Daniel for entertaining him, switches spots with Daniel at her son’s insistence that he watch Big Hero 6 with his “new best friend”. Daniel exits the plane with a six year old hanging off his shoulders, chattering about how much he loved Baymax and how he was going to be taller than Daniel when he grows up.

 

He bids the excitable Joseph goodbye to make his flight connection from Toronto to Kingston; by the time he drags his luggage into his newly assigned dorm room, half stumbling after the guide from the student centre who had been helpful enough to lead him directly to his room and help him with his luggage, wondering how on Earth it could possibly still be this cold in May. He barely remembers to send off a text message to his friends back in London and then face plants on his bed, crinkling his nose at the dusty scent of the mattress. He fumbles to pull his laptop out and calls Seongwoo with only half an eye open.

 

It takes forever to connect, his internet lagging, but then Seongwoo’s sleepy face fills the screen and the tightness in his chest eases.

 

“Hey, you.”

 

His boyfriend blinks several times as if trying to banish the sleep that still clung to his eyelashes in the early hours, lips pulling into a lazy smile, “I see you’ve landed, yeobo. I missed you.”

 

“I miss you too.”

 

They chat until Seongwoo has to go for his schedule and Daniel is more asleep than he is awake. When the call ends, Daniel a pang run through him when he’s reminded that he’s going to miss Seongwoo’s graduation. What’s even worse was Seongwoo’s explanation that he’s going to have to move for his job; where they were living was simply too far from most of the studios he was filming at, the long commutes were draining him beyond what he could manage.

 

The older man had haltingly explained his situation, wringing his hands and telling Daniel if he wanted, Seongwoo could find a way to keep paying the rent so it would be there when Daniel came home, but Daniel just shook his head. There was no point - the apartment was where they had endless memories, yes, but in the end, home was where Seongwoo was. Even if he came back to those familiar walls, without Seongwoo everything would still feel empty.

 

He turns over, reaching up to switch off the lights with a sigh; at least, he smiles to himself, Seongwoo had admitted shyly, a comely blush staining his cheeks, that the place he was moving to was big enough for two.

 

 

* * *

 

 

After London, Kingston feels….odd.

 

Queen’s University is situated in a small town with a close knit community, everyone seems to know everyone and Daniel startles at all the people he swears he’s never met before that greet him as he passes, complete strangers who start conversations with him as if they’re old friends. There’s an odd sense of being overwhelmed with kindness because he’s uncomfortable still in his settings, still trying to find his bearings in this new country, yet everywhere he turns there’s someone demanding his attention.

 

Seongwoo laughs but is sympathetic when Daniel complains about how _nice_ people are, how his roommates keep knocking to check to see if he’s settled, how the RA for his floor keeps urging him to participate in activities on campus. But it’s a bad time for him to be confiding solely in Seongwoo; the older man’s drama had finished airing recently and his performance had caught enough eyes that the nation as curious to find out who he was.

 

Curious meant more activities, guesting on talk shows, variety, casting call for other dramas, more CF offers. So while Daniel is happy for Seongwoo and so proud of him, he can also feel his anxiety mounting as everything builds to become too overwhelming. He wants talk more with Seongwoo but the other’s time is limited now; he wants to say no when people invite him to hang out but he doesn’t know how, so he lets them drag him out, and then fights back his urge to bolt the whole night. He wonders what his friends back home would say if they saw him now, Daniel who’s always the life of the party trying pathetically to play the wallflower.Wonders if Seongwoo will still remember him at the end of the day, if he’ll still have time to be Daniel’s Seongwoo by the time he returns.

 

Daniel’s feeling lost enough by the end of the week to stumble into the counselling office on his own, desperately needing someone to talk to.

 

Dr. Risser is a woman in her fifties with greying blonde hair, more professional than Dr. Blunt, but no less warm. She talks him through his panic and the two of them come up with a plan together for Daniel to slowly integrate himself with his year mates even as she encourages to continue with the journal Dr. Blunt had started him on. “It’s okay to say no,” she tells him, “No one will like you less just because you don’t agree to everything, Daniel.”

 

Daniel runs his fingers through his hair agitatedly, “But, everyone’s going out of their way to be so _nice_! It feels, it feels wrong to tell them I can’t.”

 

“There’s absolutely nothing wrong with not agreeing to go out all the time,” Dr. Risser repeats firmly, “ Just be clear in your reasons and there’s no shame in turning anyone down. Why don’t we come up with a couple of ways you can say no to someone while leaving it open for them to invite you again another time?”

 

“O-okay…”

 

Daniel uses one of their scripted responses the next time his RA comes up and the older girl laughs and pats him on the shoulder. “Sure,” she chirps brightly, “Next time then, have a good night!”

 

Her easy acceptance loosens something in Daniel, especially when she still smiles at him the next time they cross paths. When she swings by to tell him the intramural basketball team is playing and their floor was planning to go spectate, he’s feeling a little more steady and goes along with them. It’s easier to chat with the people around him when it’s on his own terms, and soon Daniel’s chattering away happily - he likes meeting people, likes talking to people when he’s not second-guessing himself and fretting about whether they’ll hate him, whether they’ll find out he’s _different_.

 

He’s one month into his semester when Dr. Risser asks if Daniel might be interested in joining a group therapy session and Daniel feels as if his gut is gripped in ice at the thought of other people knowing about his illness. He must look particularly panicked for Dr. Risser to look so concerned but he can’t even bring himself to be embarrassed right then.

 

“It’s just a suggestion, Daniel, you’re not under any obligation to. I just wanted to let you know that’s an option you can take. Sometimes, I have had patients who find it helpful to discuss their experiences with other people going through similar things; they liked the reminder that they weren’t alone in feeling this way.”

 

Daniel doesn’t take the option, in fact he never intends to take the option. He’s okay where he is now, he thinks, being able to feel mostly in control. He can get out of bed now without feeling like he's fighting a battle every step of the way, can pinpoint more moments in his day that he's actually enjoying himself. He can go out with friends without second-guessing himself every moment someone new barges into the conversation. Even on occasions when Seongwoo doesn't have time to chat with him nowadays, he doesn't feel the sharp edges of self-doubt cut into him quite so keenly. 

 

He keeps his journal as told every day. Takes his medication on time and exercises, goes out and tries to be engaged with others. He's improving and that is enough. Has to enough.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Daniel’s mid-way through June, sprawled across a bench on the terrance and flipping through his notes frantically when Audrey nudges him, “Hey, you wanna come to Pride with us?”

 

Daniel blinks, confused, “Um, what?”

 

“Oh,” she stops for a moment, “sorry, I didn’t mean to presume. Just, you have a boyfriend, so I thought, uh, I thought you might be interested since a few of us are going to Toronto that weekend.”

 

“No, just, I don’t really know what Pride is?”

 

“Oh. _Oh_!” Audrey laughs as if amused by her own blunder, “Sorry, I forget that Korea doesn’t really….Pride is to celebrate and raise awareness for the LGBTQA community. There’s going to be a parade and you get to meet a lot of cool people. I’m going with my girlfriend, we do this every year.”

 

He’s stunned for a moment; he’s forgotten how open some countries are about this, that gay marriage is legal in Canada. Daniel knows that he’s beyond lucky with his friend group back home being this accepting, that their university had a strict no-bullying policy after an incident five years back resulted in a suicide that headlined newspapers for weeks, and that this attitude had filtered into the area they lived in. While no one would say anything untoward to his face back home, while most of his fellow students would never whisper about him when Daniel was out with his boyfriend, it carried the weight of something forbidden still, something not to be talked about in the open. In fact, Daniel knows that if Seongwoo ever admitted to being in a relationship with another man, he could kiss his budding career goodbye, damn whatever anyone said about progress having been made.

 

“Yeah,” he blurts out, hoping he hadn’t been silent for too long, “I think I’d like that.”

 

Daniel goes to the parade with Audrey and her girlfriend, and regrets absolutely none of it. He meets all their friends, then all their friends’ friends, and listens as strangers share their stories and experiences, watches as they march down the street together, unapologetic of who they are and who they love. He wonders if he’ll ever have a chance to come back with Seongwoo and makes up for it by showing off pictures of his boyfriend when people ask if he’s in a relationship.

 

It feels good to be honest about himself, he realizes, feels good to be a part of something bigger.

 

The shocker of the night, though, is when Daniel meets Shaq, who is as open about his sexuality as he is about his mental illness and admits to being bipolar in between bites of nachos as if he’s discussing the weather. “I’ve been dealing with it all my life,” the other boy shrugs, “It’s better now that I’m on meds, and that I don’t have to hide who I am anymore. But it’s still there.”

 

Shaq’s admission seems to open up the floodgates and Daniel sits there, stunned, as three others at their table chime in with their own stories, swapping diagnoses like candy, and not a single person there blinks an eye. Audrey picks up on Daniel’s amazement, though really he’s pretty sure he looks poleaxed, it’s not that hard to tell, and smiles encouragingly at him.

 

“It’s not like this everywhere,” she warns, indicating their impromptu friend group with a tilt of her chin, “But here…I guess when you fight prejudice on one front all your life, you’re more likely to be sympathetic to other causes as well? And a lot of us, the pressure of hiding it, of coming to terms with it and understanding it, of coming out…it gets to you, you know? But then you remember you’re not alone, and it hurts a little less when someone’s there to share the burden, at least for a little while.”

 

Daniel is silent on the way home, mulling everything over. Jisung hyung and Seongwoo had been right about this trip broadening his horizons, if nothing else; it seems like every day there’s something that changes his worldview around again.

 

When he walks into Dr. Risser’s office the next week, he sets his jaw as he makes up his mind.

 

 

“Dr. Risser? I think…I think I’d like to try joining one of the group therapy sessions.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Belated Christmas?
> 
> It's really not exactly the most holiday-spirit filled chapter but here we go anyways (Was it worth the wait?). Checking off things I need to get done before the end of 2017. 
> 
> As always, I'd love to chat with you guys, your feedback is always loved and appreciated. Thank you for all the love and support so far guys, I really wouldn't have made it this far without you all. Leave a comment below, or come yell at me on twt or cc @AStrangeDaze
> 
> We're nearing the end of the year and the end of this story! One last chapter to go, guys! Who's ready?


	24. Chapter 23

Group therapy is everything Daniel hoped it would be and also everything that he had been afraid of.

 

It takes him weeks to stop jumping and running away every time he sees someone from his therapy sessions around campus which, thankfully, was not often. In fact, he had just managed to stop immediately falling in a mass of anxiety at the sight of an unwanted familiar face when the end of the term rolls around and then he’s rushing to study for exams, to say goodbye to his students, and then he’s packing up his entire life into three suitcases for the third time this year.

 

He leaves with more numbers and e-mail addresses saved in his contacts, he leaves feeling older and wiser, even as he still staggers through life wide-eyed with wonder at everything that he has yet to see. He leaves feeling like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders even as his feet feel like new weights have anchored themselves around his ankles. But most of all, he leaves feeling tired.

 

At the end of the day Daniel has to admit it to himself, and he’s had plenty of practise admitting unpleasant truths at this point: he’s tired.

 

He doesn’t want to go to Australia, he wants to go home. He’s tired of making connections and getting his feet back underneath him, learning the lay of the land, only to have to break away and leave. Wrapping up the second part of his journey has him hungry for home and familiarity with a yearning that knocks the air out of him every moment he stops and lets the insidious call for home creep over him.

 

When he’s packing up, he wants nothing more than to be packing to go back to Korea, to be able to call up his friends and catch up over lunch instead of scheduling video calls around time differences, wants to be _there_ to witness what’s happening instead of hearing about it second-hand a week later or waking up to five hundred notifications in the group chat. He wants to be home, to dance with his crew, to show up at Jisung’s doorstep in the middle of the night with a six-pack of whatever was on sale and order chicken, the extra-spicy kind that Taewoong always complains about, and then wake up the next day to the snoring of his friends as they all try to shake out the cricks in their necks from falling asleep in the living room.

 

Most of all, Daniel wants to curl up on the couch beside Seongwoo, wants to sneak into his bed night after night and wrap himself around his boyfriend, wants to _be there_ to celebrate all of Seongwoo’s firsts.

 

Maybe that’s the worst part of it: not being able to be there with Seongwoo as the older man celebrates the various love calls he’s getting from different agencies. Because not being there means he can’t squeeze himself into the minute amount of free time Seongwoo now has left. Video calls were becoming a thing of the past, a luxury - these days it was text messages, voice notes, and lazy selcas left in the moments Seongwoo could find between his schedule and ongoing training. The more love that Seongwoo receives, the farther he seems to get from Daniel. Daniel feels the overwhelming need to run back to Korea and hold Seongwoo in his arms until he’s certain again that Seongwoo was his, that he wasn’t losing every part of him to the public, that he still had a _right_ to call Seongwoo his.

 

Because right now it feels like he doesn’t.

 

Right now it feels more like Seongwoo belongs to everyone, which was an inevitability; Daniel had long since come to the understanding that Seongwoo was too beautiful, too precious to hide from the rest of the world, no matter how much he wanted to have him all to himself. But he had hoped that there would at least be that small part of Seongwoo that would remain just his.

 

This far apart it’s impossible for Daniel to bask in the moments when Seongwoo drifts from asleep into waking, for Daniel to remember how it feels to have Seongwoo in his arms, skin sleep-warm as the morning sun take the place of moonbeams, striking light across delicate cheekbones. Daniel lays awake at night sometimes, fingers tracing imaginary lines along his sheets, wishing his fingers were worshiping warm skin instead, and hates himself for not being stronger than this.

 

He knows that every time he sounds disappointed about Seongwoo being too busy to chat in his messages he worries Seongwoo and makes the older man feel guilty. He hates himself for not being able to be fully supportive of Seongwoo as his boyfriend’s career slowly but surely gains the traction that it needs to spring him into fame, that he can’t smile and tell Seongwoo he’s happy for him without his insecurities nipping at his heels when Seongwoo has been nothing but completely supportive of each and every one of Daniel’s needs. He tries to hide that he feels like he’s grasping at empty air again, that even though Daniel was the one to leave, he feels like he’s the one being left behind.

 

So he forces himself to send messages that read ‘ _That’s great, I’m so proud of you!’_ instead of ‘ _I’m scared you’re not going to want me by the time I come home’_ no matter how much he hates himself more for lying to Seongwoo about how he feels when he promised that he wouldn’t.

 

It’s ridiculous, it’s irrational, he owes Seongwoo more trust than this, knows its his own faulty thought processes roaring to life again but its all getting away from him and he feels helpless all over again. Even now as he bids everyone goodbye and hides behind plastic smiles, doles out tight hugs that have friends laughing, not knowing him well enough to read the underlying desperation written into his frame, that he feels like a tiny boat lost at sea, flung far from the shore. The plane takes off and the world falls aways from him, falls out from under his feet, and he turns to hide his head into that tiny pillow that does nothing to cushion his cheek.

 

He wants to go home but was home waiting for him anymore?

 

Daniel doesn’t know and, clutching the coarse blanket he had ripped out of its plastic confines and wrapped around himself at the earliest opportunity, he knows he’s also too afraid to reach out and ask.

 

* * *

 

 

The first thing Daniel notices when he lands is that the weather was, surprisingly, cooler than he had expected coming from the tail ends of summer sunshine in Canada. He had rushed through the end of his classes and exams, a whirl-wind of anxiety and mounting stress that left him feeling frazzled even now, so he could make it to his third and last stop in time for the new semester to begin.

 

As it was, he puts on his most practised mask, smiles at all the people that he needs to ask for directions from, and somehow manages to drag his exhausted frame from the airport and to the school’s dorms. He hadn’t slept a wink on the plan, wide-eyed as he stared blankly out darkened windows, every worst case scenario running rampant in his brain and spawning like rabbits in spring.

 

The simple solution, he acknowledges with a grunt as he wrestles his luggage through the doorway of his door room, would be to call Seongwoo and tell him he’s landed. He could fix it all if he would just call Seongwoo and lay bare his insecurities, but just the mere thought that Seongwoo might not pick up, of waiting on the line while the dial tone hums with rejection before the call drops has his stomach roiling and he decides against it, sending a single ‘Arrived’ into the group chat and then chucking his phone onto his new bed.

 

He unpacks just enough to dig out his toiletries and then stumbles his way into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. Daniel cranks the water on high and then strips methodically before jumping under the spray, letting the unrelenting stream of water wash out everything. For a couple of moments he manages to lose himself to the sensations, just lets his mind go deliciously blank and focuses on the feeling of water hitting his skin, scalding hot and burning up everything in its path. He lathers up with his body wash, breathes in the familiar scent, scrubbing himself down and letting the repetitive motions soothe him, slowly allowing his worries and anxieties float away with the curling steam that rises, fogging up the small room. As he scrubs the last remnants of stale airplane air and travel dust from his skin, he thinks that it’s no wonder Seongwoo insists on showering after he comes home from hotels, the feeling really can be euphoric.

 

And just like that his calm collapses as thoughts of Seongwoo invade his mind again. Mood thoroughly ruined, Daniel rinses off brusquely and shuts the water off, towelling off and hastily knotting the towel around his waist in his rush to escape the bathroom, the vapour and steam collected inside suddenly suffocating. The double room is still thankfully empty when he returns, pulling on clothes hastily before drying his hair moodily. A traitorous part of his brain reminds him of how Seongwoo would always dry his hair gently, laughing low in his ears as Daniel leans back content, cradled between Seongwoo’s thighs, and he throws his towel away from him with a sound of disgust.

 

Just another reminder of what he couldn’t have right now.

 

Instead he forces himself to stumble into the mess hall and grab some food, a burger that weighs heavily on his stomach long after he’s swallowed it down, and returns to his room to find his roommate has arrived. He introduces himself as politely as he can and his roommate returns the favour; his name is Ian, he’s two years younger than Daniel, and his family recently moved out of town so now he had to live in the dorms instead of commuting from home.

 

Ian seems interested in the fact that Daniel is an exchange student, looks ready to ask more questions about it, but Daniel is quick to beg off, claiming exhaustion from the flight which isn’t a complete lie - he _is_ exhausted from the trip, just not really because of the travelling. His roommate nods understandingly though and backs off, promising to be quiet, and encourages Daniel to turn in early which he takes advantage of immediately, throwing himself on the bed and pulling the covers around himself as a barrier against the rest of the world.

 

He spends almost an hour staring at the phone that lays dormant on his bedside table as Ian putters around the room in the background, guilt eating away the base of his stomach every time it vibrates a little with a new incoming message.

 

Resolutely he turns his back on his phone and shuts his eyes; he had to get used to not depending on Seongwoo, right?

 

* * *

 

 

It’s been two weeks since he landed in Melbourne and Daniel still feels rattled, like the thoughts in his brain have scattered into the air along with every worry and emotion in his soul, refusing to settle like sand at the bottom of the ocean, stirred up again and again by turbulent torrents of self-doubt. Classes had started before he even had a chance to get over his jet lag and he feels run ragged.He’s locked himself into the washroom he shares with Ian at least a dozen times already, cranking up the shower to hide the sound of his tears as he shakes apart underneath the spray, but he’s pretty sure Ian can tell by how red and puffy his eyes are afterwards. Thankfully, so far, his roommate has tactfully avoided commenting on anything.

 

Yet the worse of it is the blaring fault in the fabric of his reality, the gleam of light reflecting off the tiny bit of glass that makes up his laptop’s camera, a taunting reminder that it’s been two weeks and Daniel still hasn’t made the slightest attempt to contact Seongwoo like he normally would outside of curt text messages.

 

Even now, Daniel stares at the ‘call’ icon his mouse is hovering over and has been hovering over uncertainly for the past hour. Based on the group chat, he knows Seongwoo should have wrapped up his shoot for that new variety show right about now. If he calls Seongwoo while he’s on his way home, they should theoretically have time to facetime for the duration of his trip. Except his brain keeps coming up with reasons why he shouldn’t disturb Seongwoo, keeps churning until it’s 2AM now and Daniel is almost convinced it would be better for everyone if he just never contacted Seongwoo again.

 

A shiver runs down his spine at the thought of actually falling out of contact with Seongwoo forever; it’s an uncomfortable possibility that Daniel wants to banish immediately though the persistent tingling on the nape of his neck refuses to let him. The ticklish sensation intensifies and Daniel frowns, hand coming up to scratch the itch only to come in contact with something that was definitely _not_ his hair.

 

_Wait a minute-_

 

Curious limbs ghost against his fingers and Daniel screams as he bats at whatever was on him frantically, leaping onto his chair and then clambering onto his desk even as Ian jolts awake from the commotion.

 

“What the bloody hell is that?!” Daniel screeches, standing on the top of his desk in a panic as his poor roommate tumbles out of the bed.

 

“That’s a spider,” Ian yawns, clicking on the light and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

 

“That is not just a spider, it’s the size of my face!”

 

“It is a spider, and it’s not the size of your face,” Ian rolls his eyes, picking up a flip-flop, casually chasing the spider around before finally cornering it and smacking it dead as Daniel watched on in awe, unable to contribute beyond pointing and screeching from his spot far, far away from the entire mess, “You’re in Australia now, mate; you’ve got to get used to the creepy crawlies, yeah?”

 

Shivering still, Daniel gingerly gets off his desk and sits back down in his chair, and declares emphatically, “I hate bugs.”

 

Ian snort, yawning and feeling closer to half-asleep now that the excitement was over, “Why are you up this late anyways? Classes have barely started.”

 

He glances over to Daniel’s screen and catches sight of the program active, mouse hovering over the call icon but never connecting, “Missing home?”

 

Daniel shifts uncomfortably, not quite certain how much he wants to disclose to his roommate given they have only known each other for half a month. “Have you ever been in a long-distance relationship?” he hedges at last, unwilling to say anything more specific.

 

Ian sit heavily on his bed and then shifts to face Daniel more fully. “I can’t say I really have…” he scratches the back of his head and then sighs, looking a bit unsure at giving relationship advice, “I guess technically I’m in one right now? My girlfriend goes to a different university but it only takes me an hour to get to her campus so it’s not……on the same scale as your’s. Have you been having problems?”

 

“…they’re busy a lot,” Daniel admits vaguely, “It was hard to find time to keep in contact with the time difference and…recently with work, they’ve been a lot busier and I just, can’t help but feel a bit left behind, you know?”

 

“That’s tough man,” Ian nods in commiseration, “Have you talked to them about it?”

 

“Not really? I mean,” Daniel sighs, the sound heavy with the weight of all his worries, “I don’t want to make them feel bad when there isn’t anything they can do about being busy and I’m the one who’s out of the country. Things were supposed to be easier now that our time zones lined up a lot more but, I just, I don’t know what to say any more.”

 

Ian is silent and for a moment Daniel thinks his roommate must have fallen asleep before the box springs on the aged bed squeak under the shifting of his weight, “I know this sounds like really generic advice but, uh, communication is important in a relationship, yeah? And uh…the longer you don’t talk about it, the worse it’s going to get, right?”

 

It’s Daniel who stays silent this time; Ian is right, it’s generic advice, the other boy sounds more like he’s repeating relationship advice he googled than anything really heartfelt, but that didn’t make it any less _right_. The longer Daniel waits the heavier the words feel, even now they are anchors on his tongue, if he leaves them unsaid any longer they will morph into anvils that crush his windpipe.

 

“You’re right,” he says finally, voice barely a croak, “You’re right.”

 

He doesn’t call.

 

* * *

 

 

There’s nothing to break him out of this dazed monotony that he imposes on himself; he drifts through classes, through placement, through social interactions. Eventually he gets sick of crying in the shower every day, gets sick of how drained and empty it leaves him feeling, the grit of emotions he won’t face choked in his throat as he clamours out of the steam each time. He finds his way to the counsellors office, checks-in with a perky receptionist who smiles a tad too much for his comfort, and plops himself down in a chair as he waits his turn. The office looks both like something out of a furniture catalogue and some grandmother’s living room, the disjointed furnishings are almost laughable in their oddity, but Daniel has no heart to giggle over this.

 

He counts the ceiling tiles to pass the time, steadfastly ignoring the way his phone seems to burn an outline against his thigh with every vibrate. It’s probably the group chat, but Daniel doesn’t dare to check on the off chance that it isn’t, that it’s Seongwoo checking in on him. He doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know how to act normal around him anymore, doesn’t want to keep his silence but also doesn’t want to spew his worries out as a mess onto his boyfriend’s lap.

 

Was he even still Daniel’s boyfriend at this point?

 

His fists clench, unkempt nails digging into his palm sharply enough todraw blood. He winces, slowly relieving the pressure, fingertips coming away bloody and he curses under his breath, standing to find the bathroom, washing the blood from under his nails quickly, ignoring the sting of the cuts under running water. He returns just in time to hear his name being called and hurries into the doctor’s office, sitting down gingerly with a murmured hello.

 

“Thank you for joining me today,” the doctor says, a practised friendly smile on his face and Daniel forces out an unsteady breath, “My name is Dr. Rizcard Spencer, you can address me by whatever you’re comfortable with.”

 

“Daniel,” he whispers in return, shifting uncomfortably.

 

“Well Daniel, what’s brought you to me today?” Dr. Spencer offers him an encouraging smile andDaniel tries to convey his appreciation but is certain he’s failed.

 

Instead he settles back into the chair, mentally preparing himself for the next hour. _This is going to make things better_ , he tries to convince himself, already weary from making the trip here and dreading the emotional exhaustion that always seemed to follow his sessions, _you need to do this, you need to._

 

* * *

 

 

In a way, Daniel is almost certain that the next couple of weeks are some of the worst he’s had in his life. He spends his time trying to keep up a semblance of normality, expending small bursts of energy trying desperately to claw his way out of his depressive episode to no avail, effort ebbing and flowing with the invisible tide that drags him violently away from the shore. His phone vibrates almost constantly now, inbox collecting messages from concerned friends, new and old alike, but he can’t find the energy in him to answer. At most he manages short conversations until he feels compelled to hide from the rest of the world again. The guilt of not giving proper responses when he’s being showed this much love and concern only serves to make him feel like an absolute piece of shit, and he stops answering completely when the effort to do so takes too much and only sends him spiralling into the abyss after.

 

It takes almost everything he has in him to attend classes and show up at his practicum, unwilling to let his students down because he promised to be there and if his parents have taught him one thing, it’s how terrible it feels for a child when adults don’t keep their word.

 

Rushing now from one building to another, Daniel thinks longingly of his bed, wanting nothing more than to just give up on his responsibilities and hide from the world from under his blankets. He runs into someone while turning a corner, head down as he winces and mumbles an apology.

 

“……hyung?”

 

The hesitant address and the sound of someone speaking Korean has Daniel stumbling to a stop, looking back over his shoulder to see a gangly teenager with eyes too big for his face and floppy hair that looked oddly familiar.

 

“Sorry, do I know you?” his mother tongue feels awkward in his mouth for a moment, having not used it much for the past few months, but the younger boy lights up at the sound of it, almost bouncing across the three steps that separate them with a wide grin.

 

“Hyung! It is you! Do you remember me? I’m Lee Daehwi, we used to go to the same middle school!”

 

“Dae…hwi?” Daniel frowns and wracks his brain before remembering the younger boy who lived down the street from Jisung, who used to come knowing on hyung’s door and chase after their bikes when they went to the local park, “Ah! Daehwi-ah, it’s been so long! I thought you moved to Japan?”

 

“I did, but then dad’s company was opening a new branch here and offered him the position as the COO in this satellite office, so we moved here two, three years back?” the younger boy is still all enthusiasm, words bubbling out of him like a spring brook, “Ah, hyung I’m so glad to see you! Are you here on exchange? Are you busy? We should catch up!”

 

“Yeah,” Daniel musters up a smile for the younger boy who was clinging to his arm now, bringing back memories of the same look when Daehwi would hang on to Jisung hyung’s arm and whine for the other half of his ice pop after Daehwi dropped his own, “That would be nice. I have class soon though so…do you want to exchange contacts?”

 

“Okay, here,” the younger is quick to dig his phone out and shove it at Daniel who types in his contact quickly before handing it back to Daehwi, a more genuine smile on his lips now at the sight of how Daehwi looks honestly delighted to have run into him, “I’ll see you around?”

 

“Yup!” Daehwi beams, popping the word in his mouth like chewing gum, “I’ll message you, good luck with classes, hyung!”

 

Daniel waves and then continues on his jog to his next lecture, feeling a bit less tense oddly enough though unexpected situations had been throwing him off kilter all month. Daehwi’s energy was infectious and it wasn’t hard to admit that hearing the boy’s rapid-fire Korean quenched his thirst for home, however momentarily.

 

By the time he settles into his seat and waits for the professor to get on with the day’s lesson, there’s already three messages on his phone from Daehwi, asking him if he was free on the weekend for lunch, what he wanted to eat, and whether it was okay if Daehwi brought his friend. Before he can respond, however, the lights dim as the projector whirs to life and Daniel tucks his phone back into his pocket - after class, he tells himself, biting back the sigh he feels at the base of his throat now that he realizes he would have to socialize on his usual ‘hide from the rest of the world’ days, he’ll respond after class.

 

* * *

 

 

The restaurant Daehwi sent Daniel a link to turns out to be a bustling little hole-in-the-wall; the moment Daniel steps through the threshold, the smell of grilled meat and soondobu jigae hits him full force and his mouth waters. He spots Daehwi waving at him wildly from a table against the far wall and makes his way over, hovering awkardly for a moment before taking a seat at the sight of the teenaged girl sitting beside Daehwi who offered him her own bright smile.

 

“Hey,” he slides into the chair, repeating a mantra in his mind to remind himself he _wanted_ to be here, that he could do this and not run away.

 

“Hi hyung!” Daehwi chirps, pushing one of the menus towards him, “This is Ennik, but I usually just call her Somi, she’s my best friend; Somi-ah, this is Daniel hyung! We used to live in the same neighbourhood before I moved.”

 

“Hi, it’s nice to meet you,” Somi smiles at him and Daniel takes the proffered hand, shaking it politely, “Just call me Somi; should I address you as oppa, or?”

 

“Ah,” Daniel shrugs, “Whatever you’re comfortable with, I’m not too picky about these things.”

 

It’s comfortable enough with them; both Daehwi and Somi drive the conversation so that Daniel doesn’t really need to do much beyond nodding along and interjecting a comment or two now and then. Daehwi alternates between reminiscing and telling Daniel funny stories with Somi taking over at points, determined the embarasse her friend, and Daniel offers him a few tales in exchange of the crazy things he’d gotten up to with Jisung and other friends in the past few years.

 

At Daehwi’s insistence, he takes a selca with the two and sends it to Jisung, with the caption ‘do you recognize him?’ and Jisung responds within seconds with a voice note, screeching about how well Daehwi has grown up and demanding Daniel pass on his contact. Jisung tactfully doesn’t bring up the fact that this is the first time in almost a month since Daniel initiated conversation with him and Daniel is grateful for it, letting Daehwi chat happily with Jisung and watching the younger boy’s face turn bright red when Jisung asked if Somi was his girlfriend. In the middle of Daehwi’s vehement protests that they’re ‘just friends, really hyung!’, Somi leans over with a pout, eyes gleaming impishly, asking if she was really that bad of an option for a girlfriend and Daniel can’t stop laughing at how Daehwi babbles, digging himself deeper into that hole.

 

Before Daniel knows it, it was late October and he had allowed Daehwi to drag him out with Somi multiple times on the weekend, even been introduced to the boy’s other friends as well as some of Somi’s. Upon hearing that Daniel had been part of a dance crew, Somi had excitedly insisted on him meeting one of her upperclassman, a dancer the same age as Daniel by the name of Annie. Coaxed into a dance off, Daniel was horrified to find how much his dancing had deteriorated with him not having practiced much since he left Korea.

 

Annie had just laughed and then sent him the hours her own group met up at the studio to practise, the invitation a subtle thing hanging in the air that he appreciated and accepted with a murmured thanks. Today was one such day where he laid panting afterwards on the floorboards, anything cooler than his overheated skin, and Annie pads over, light on her feet as always, to sit down beside him, offering an icy water bottle straight from the vending machines outside.

 

“Any reason you’re pushing yourself so hard?” she asks conversationally as he takes the water bottle and presses it to his forehead with a sigh.

 

Daniel doesn’t respond for a moment, doesn’t know how to tell her he had forgotten why he loved dancing in the first place, that the movements let him leave his mind and all his darkest thoughts behind for some time. Already last week Dr. Spencer had commented on how Daniel seemed to be a bit more energetic as of late and, upon hearing he had taken up his old hobby of dancing again, had encouraged him to exercise more and continue to socialize with new people as much as he was comfortable doing.

 

Annie looks at him, still waiting for an answer calmly and he groans, pushing upwards into a seated position and unscrewing the cap of the water bottle at last. “I’m out of shape,” he offers with a wry smile, pausing to take a long pull from the bottle, “And, well, when I’m dancing I don’t have to worry about anything but getting the routine down. It’s a good outlet, isn’t it?”

 

He covers up his vulnerabilities with a laugh and Annie smiles back, leaning her weight back on her arms as she stretched her neck, “Yeah, it is. It’s hard, isn’t it? Being this far from home?”

 

Daniel goes still, looking at Annie for an explanation as to why she was suddenly bringing this up and the young woman quirks a smile. “We moved to Texas when I was around the same age Daehwi was when he first went to Japan,” she continues on conversationally, “You’re much older than we were then but making getting used to a new country, building new connections, fitting in, it’s hard, isn’t it?”

 

Daniel can’t seem to do anything but nod and Annie seems to understand, carrying on the conversation herself, nodding towards where Daehwi and Somi were fooling around with the camera used to record the group’s dance routines for their instagram account. “David doesn’t want to admit it, but he was bullied a lot when he first came here. Ennik too, when she was younger, I think that’s why they gravitated towards each other so quickly and why they’re still stuck to each other like glue ever since. Me too,” she laughs a little here as if she isn’t sharing something personal with him and Daniel finds himself equal parts amazed and baffled at the fact, “being a visible minority sucks and children are cruel. That’s how I started dancing actually, the school counsellor told my parents it might help with my self-confidence and I fell in love with it.”

 

“Self-confidence?” Daniel echoes.

 

“Yeah, that’s the first step in getting anywhere in life, you know?” Annie stands and stretches, joints popping in a satisfying manner, “You’ve got to like yourself first. It doesn’t matter how much anyone else tells you you’re great or that they love you, if you don’t like yourself, it’s not going to stick. And self-confidence, well, it only counts when no one else can take it from you.”

 

Daniel bites his lower lip even as he stands as well, moving back into position to start practise again even though his arms feel wobbly still from Annie’s attempts to teach him whacking earlier, parts of Annie’s well-meaning speech echoing in his head.

 

_You’ve got to like yourself first._

 

That just another one of his problems at the end, wasn’t it: how does one learn to like themselves?

 

* * *

 

Daniel picks up his heart along with every last shred of his courage in height of November and calls Seongwoo. His pulse stutters to the rhythm of the dial tone before the call connects, he’s swimming in the guilt of having hid from the one person in his life who he had promised not to lie to or hide from. But he needed this, _he needed this_.

 

He’s not better, but he thinks he might know how to get there now, thinks he might have just the slightest of a better idea as to how to weather the ups and downs and not lose himself completely in the process. He’s come this far alone, hated so many parts of it, but he’s still gotten to this point. Daniel used to think it was embarrassing that it takes him this much effort to do what comes so easily to other people, that sometimes he takes an hour to find the motivation to leave his room, to respond to a message without over thinking things, to get up and live. But now he thinks he might dare to call it strength. Because he has seen so many people around him with shoulder their own burdens, watched them get up again after falling down again and again and marvelled at their courage, so standing here with his scuffed knees on wobbly feet, doesn’t he have the right to be proud of himself as well?

 

Some days the answer to that question is still no - those are the days where self-loathing claws at his mind and weighs him down, shackles around this feet, days where he’s angry at the world and himself in turn. But other days he thinks he can believe.

 

He takes his medication, goes to therapy, forces himself out of bed more often than he gives in and stays inside, and calls that a victory.

 

The call connects and Seongwoo’s concerned face fills his screen and Daniel’s heart swells at the sight of that furrowed brow and the way Seongwoo’s eyes immediately darts above, taking stock of Daniel’s form as if he could divine the state of the other man’s health through sight alone.

 

“Hi,” he breathes, unsure again what he could possibly say in the face of how much he worried Seongwoo.

 

Seongwoo is silent for a moment before he sighs, a burst of static, shoulders very deliberately loosening as he dropped his head into his free hand. Behind him Daniel can see the interior of the van Seongwoo is in more often than not these days. “You had me so worried,” Seongwoo says at last, “Are you…”

 

Now it is Seongwoo’s turn to fumble for his words, the things he wants to say, wants to ask, tangled up in the currents and four thousand odd miles. It has been a long time but not so long that Daniel can’t read each and every one of his questions in Seongwoo’s face, and his heart clenches less tightly knowing that he hasn’t lost that connection, that in this world he is still one of the people who knows Seongwoo best and who Seongwoo will let his guard down around.

 

_Are you well?_

 

_Are you sleeping?_

 

_Are you eating?_

 

_Are you happy?_

 

_Do you miss me as much as I miss you?_

 

“Are you coming home?” Seongwoo says in the end, hesitant, drinking in the sight of Daniel like a starved man.

 

Daniel glances at the plane ticket sitting on his desk, touches it briefly with steady hands he hopes are now strong enough to build a home instead of just chase after a dream he’s too scared to grasp.

 

“Yes,” he smiles, “I wouldn’t want to go anywhere else.”

 

* * *

 

The air on the plane is just as filtered and dried as always. The food an odd mix of bland dryness and salty, overcooked, mush. The movies available are the same as the ones he watched on the flight before, and the seats are still too cramped to comfortably fit his long legs.

 

Customs is tedious and the baggage claim takes forever, his foot tabs incessantly even as he smiles at the messages from Daehwi that flood his phone, asking if he landed safely and swearing he’ll see Daniel soon, that he’s going to come back to Korea for his own exchange program next year. It takes half an hour for his luggage to roll out on the conveyor belt and in the mean time he helps two elderly couples and one pregnant woman load their luggage unto a trolley.

 

There isn’t that much for him to carry, just one suitcase, the rest he had sent ahead a week earlier, and he hurries through the gates and into the arrivals area. He looks around, eyes seeking, watches as families reunite and friends stand waiting still with embarrassing ‘welcome home’ signs, and tries to find Jisung’s familiar face.

 

There is the middle of the milling crowd, a young man stands with his hand in his pocket, surgical mask over his face and a black baseball cap shadowing his eyes, waiting patiently.

 

He’s almost Daniel’s height but with shoulders less broad and when he shifts, Daniel can see a single red rose in his right hand held by elegant pianist fingers, and he walks over as if drawn by a magnetic pull, a quiet gravitational force that will bring him back over and over again. Daniel’s feet picks up speed before he skids to a halt, stopping just short of the figure who reaches up to pull his mask off to reveal the smile that Daniel loves most in the entire world.

 

“Hyung,” he breathes, eyes suddenly stinging as Seongwoo offers him the rose that he accepts with shaking hands.

 

They have so much to talk about still. Daniel has so much to explain, to apologize for, to catch up on. But Seongwoo opens his arms and for the moment he forgets about it all, just steps into this familiar embrace, sinks into Seongwoo’s hold and buries his face into Seongwoo’s neck. His own arms come up to clutch tightly at Seongwoo’s back as he starts to sob in earnest. “I’m home,” he chokes out and Seongwoo laughs just as wetly, holding him fast.

 

“Welcome home,” the older man whispers, pressing a kiss to his temple, and Daniel grins, picking Seongwoo up on impulse and swinging him around as the older man yelps with laughter.

 

A few whispering teens are pointing at them, someone might have snapped a picture, but all Daniel can think of is the picture Seongwoo had sent before his flight of Daniel’s belongings lovingly unpacked on his side of the room in Seongwoo’s apartment.He wants to show Seongwoo the pages of his journal, wants to share his progress, and ask if Seongwoo will really walk every step of this road with him.

 

And he thinks he knows the answer already, has always known the answer all along even when his doubts pulled at the trust Seongwoo had built between them during all these years. Thinks that things may never be perfect but perfect is boring, is impossible, and he’d rather have things their way, that all the hard work put into them makes their ending so much sweeter.

 

“I’m home,” he whispers again, setting Seongwoo down gently, giggling at the way Seongwoo grins back, pure and joyful.

 

 

He found his forever four years ago, and now? Now he thinks he might just get to keep it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's a wrap! I've kept you all waiting, haven't I?
> 
> This was a long time coming and I would just like to extend a huge thank you to everyone who has been along on this journey with me since the beginning, and everyone who has sent support and encouragement throughout; I couldn't have done it without you guys. To my friends who told me never to give up and to keep going, please accept all my love for your endless support.
> 
> I hope that this was satisfactory (I tried to keep this realistic) but we've come to the end finally. It's not exactly a definitive end to their story but this is where I will be leaving them and I hope that you all enjoyed this last chapter <3


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